sofacat

Hello all... I've been coming here for just over 2 years now.

In a nutshell...I broke from my EXAH two years ago. He is an opiate addict.

I spent the whole first year working on myself...no dating, just trying to get to know "me". I still am.

Over the last few years, I have managed to maintain a close friendship with my ex. He has been living in Dubai for work, so the distance made it easier for me to not get too close. Every time he is back in the states, we see each other.

Last year was a pretty rough one for me, as I lost my 12 year old dog (my baby) in January, and RIGHT after went to NY to see my brother in ICU. He was admitted for liver and kidney failure due to alcoholism. I've never seen anything like that in my life...mostly in horror movies to be frank. He battled for 6 months in ICU, and passed away at the end of last May. It was devastating to me and the family.

Mr.Sofa...though in the middle east stayed with me through it all. We were friends. AND it was nice. He's always been a very friendly person to be around, always warm. I was glad we were able to maintain a close friendship after it all. We were together for 10 years, and have known each other as friends for 14.

Fast forward................

He was home for the holidays and came to see me in the morning with coffee. Brought me some gifts from Dubai, and showed me pictures of his recent trip to Thailand. I had actually seen some already because he was texting me from Phuket. Told me he went alone, needed to clear his head and just get away for awhile. Said his work was starting to get to him.

I admit, I was planning on having a "rendezvous" with him while he was home. Haven't "been" with anyone in YEARS!!!! Ugh.... he was very excited about the proposition, to say the least.

While he was at my house the first day, I asked him if he had been seeing anyone. In a "friend" sort of way... He said NO and went into a BIG story about how his work is too taxing and he has NO time for anything like that. Ive actually tried to bridge that gap over the last few years with him, but he always maintained that he hadn't seen anyone at all.

We made plans for that night for him to come over. He never showed. Texted me the next day with an apology, saying he slept through the night and woke up late the next afternoon.... he was tired, so I "bought it".

About an hour after I got home from work, my phone rang. It was one of my employees (and friends) who was hysterically angry and apologetic...asked me if I had been on Facebook. I said "No,why?" She told me that MrSofa had changed his status to "In A Relationship"... I was FLOORED. Whacked over the head! AND it says he's been seeing her since November 2010!!!!! The VERY year we broke up! WTH?????!!!!!!!! There have been NO pictures of her, no correspondence on FB with her... NOTHING. And would you guess who he went to Thailand with? Youbectchya!

Since then, he's avoided my calls and texts... no communication whatsoever.

I am dumbfounded. WTH???? It's as if I did something terrible to him, and he's being malicious. Which has NEVER been like him. Never intentionally cruel to anyone.

I am hurt, very hurt. I have been here reading for the past week trying to shake it off...but I can't seem to get closure on this, and I keep tripping over me ego every time I start to feel better.

I realize I'm not capable of sorting this out on my own, and I need to be confronted.

I am just shocked....going down the rabbit hole.
We were still so close.


......................................Or so I thought.

laurie6781

Okay, here's what might help.

Rewrite everything that was 'wrong' about your relationship. You broke apart because he was 'SICK'.

Now you know, he is still 'SICK'.

Do a pro/con list on about him NOT being back in your life.

Some A's are just sicker than others.

I am glad that you felt comfortable to come here!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Remember, we are always walking with you in spirit!!

Love and hugs,

TiredandSpent

This sounds like basic jerk behavior. Not everything is substance abuse related. He's got more problems than just an addiction, he's got a character and maturity problem. He'd probably have those even without his addiction.

Lots of men do this. A good rule of thumb is a man is probably not going to go very long without a woman if he can possibly help it. So when you hear a single guy has gone 2 years without you evaluate if he has the option of getting a female, and if he has, you assume he did so. It might not be true, but it's true more often than not.

In any case....

Sounds like you were a 'backburner' girlfriend, someone he was keeping sweet just in case this one didn't work out. He's decided she's the one after their Phuket trip, and so now he's going public. Because of his character and maturity problems, he's embarassed to face you and confess. Just plain jerky behavior.

I'm so sorry you were hurt. You don't need to be beat over the head, you need a <<<hug>>>

EnglishGarden

Is he still an active addict, Sofacat? Do you and have you known all along he is an active drug addict?

If so, why would you open yourself to him? And when you have discovered he is a liar, why are you surprised?

Maybe you just needed one more hard awareness about drugs addicts and what they do. So you could let go. Words across continents do not a friendship make.

I think you must be so lonely without your beloved dog. It is a terrible loss, only those who have had to say goodbye that way know how wrenching it is. I am so sorry.

And the long slow death of your brother so devastating.

You maybe are very vulnerable and seeking right now, and a drug addict was just a wrong turn. It's all right. It happens to many of us. We fall under a spell.

I'm sorry for your hurt and shock. It was a wrong turn. There's nothing wrong with you.....we just get tricked sometimes.

You deserve an honest, stable, present man. Save yourself for that one.

YearForMe

It is a well known fact that men working in Saudi, Dubai, etc. go to Thailand to have week long sexcapades with Thai girls. They have windows with risers 3 or 4 deep and the men pick them out by number.

Those girls "lovin them long time joe" and they can take them back and pick a different one if they want.

There are organized trips to Thailand for men.....

Many of those girls have HIV, Hep C, etc.

I would look at it that NOT hooking up with him might very well have saved your life.

He just wanted to see if he COULD hook up with you again.

He showed you who he is NOW......I hope you are paying attention.

TiredandSpent

Oh yeah, and don't feel jealous of that girlfriend. He's a junkie who was texting another woman while vacationing with her in paradise.

What a winner.

lesliej

Hi Sofa Cat
I am sorry that you are feeling hurt and probably rejected. It sounds as though you decided, after a loooong time without the intimacy of a connection with a man, that you decided to take the leap and be vulnerable and open yourself to the possibility...

it's not as though it would have developed toooo far right? I mean, he is still living/working in Dubai?

so...what if, what if, he was enjoying the fact that you two were able to have a friendship after all that you had been through together. what if it felt good for him and for you that he was able to be present and be a comfort to you when your brother died.

what if he appreciates your friendship and wanted to bring over coffee and some gifts for you? you two have known each other since you were 14.
what if he was afraid to tell you that he has been in a relationship...afraid that it would hurt you? he's been living long distance...how would you ever know?
granted, of course honesty is best between "friends" but he probably hurt you A LOT in the past and didn't want to hurt you again...maybe didn't feel it was super necessary to let you in on the fact that he was in a relationship with another woman...something you two weren't able to continue with. it's kind of a slap in the face maybe and he was too afraid to tell you.

that is until you were "planning" a little rendezvous...he probably sensed it and panicked...at the very least he didn't sleep with you and then you found out!!!

you found out through facebook, which is cowardly, and painful, and unfortunately a lot of people use social media to take care of intimate communication.

it is totally understandable why you feel hurt, hurt pride, hurt in your attempt to be vulnerable and open to physical intimacy, hurt by his fear to communicate in a much more appropriate manner. but you were kind of not communicating either...
just be gentle around this one.
take some time with it...

I'm sorry for you that it happened this way.
I'm sure there is some anger that there was that little shred of okay-ness and simple hopefulness open and it probably feels very insulting, but from the outside it doesn't look like that was what he meant to do.

dollydo

Hard as it will seem to believe....he did you a big favor...getting emotionally attached to him...yet again would not be of any benefit to you. I guess he was trying to keep you in the sidelines JIC.

Now you know, he is a bald face liar, a must miss.

I am sorry about losing your little friend, I know it hurts...as for Mr. Wrong, leave him in your dust, he is not worth another moment of your time.

Freedom1990

The difference between God's will and my will is that my will hurts.

That's why each day I say "Thy will be done, not mine."

It's my own personal experience that for many years, my decisions in the sex department created much pain for me.

Those decisions were always based on self, and what I wanted, not what I needed (though I thought I needed it). LOL!

After enough pain and heartache, I decided abstinence was best until I got myself properly sorted out and healthy emotionally.

I discovered that lack of nookie did not kill me.

Sending you hugs of support, and deepest sympathies in the loss of your beloved dog. I have one who is 14 right now, and her days are growing short.

Miela

You deserve better than that.

sofacat

@ Engilsh -"You maybe are very vulnerable and seeking right now, and a drug addict was just a wrong turn."

I think you're right. I am so very lonely, and my house is very quiet. Most of the in betweens are spent at work and with work friends.

I do go out occasionally..art strolls, movies, park, dinner with friends on occasion, but I am very lonely. ANd I'm either beginning to realize that I have been subconsciously waiting for him, because I am so accustomed to waiting... or I am reacting out of vulnerability as well.

I do know that I have become consumed by it. It's eating me up inside...and THAT'S the part that's bothering me so much.

I didn't intend to EVER get back with him, his company in person is actually quite "flat"...the "light" in him has gone out...and he doesn't smile like he used to. He just seems numb. But nonetheless, we were maintaining a good friendship....

which is why THIS behavour of his has left me baffled and upset. He's completely shut me out and I cannot figure out why. What I AM left with is my own crazy thoughts...trying to "sleuth" once again to figure out what happened. And I hate that I am doing that. I thought I was good....I have been working so hard at this "me" thing.

But I Can't shake it. Silent treatments are the worst....I'd much rather you hit me over the head with the truth, than turn your back and shut me out. Sends me reeling.

@YearForMe- I thought Thailand was not the BEST choice for someone who is an addict....but an addict may think it's probably the BEST choice. As for the prostitution...I believe his girlfriend was with him on the trip. Who knows?

Thank you all for your kind words of my doggie and my brother. It just sucked, plain and simple.

barblsn

Sofacat Why are you alone?? When my husband relapsed last year, I knew I was done with him. And I new that I didnt' want to get depressed like had all the times before. I knew I had to do something different. My neice encouraged me to start dating. Now, I am 50 years old and 80 lbs overweight. Not exactly a hottie! But what the heck, I joined a free dating site, was honest in my profile and met several very nice men. Some younger! Some older. And it was FUN, and it was great to have men flirt with me, and call me on the phone. Completely increased my self esteem. And yes, I did meet a VERY nice man who rarely drinks and has never used drugs and treats me like I am a delicate little flower, which I assure you I AM NOT!
Get out there. Have some fun. Start living your life.

sofacat

@barblsn....


Ugh, I tried the dataing site thing. Blech! :crazy

Didn't have much luck there, though I probably didn't give it a decent try.

Not sure I was... or am ready. All I see now in men are RED FLAGS .... EVERYWHERE!!!!!
Good part is I see them, crappy part is it's MUCH harder to find someone stable "enough".

Chino

Would knowing why help you with acceptance?

sofacat

@Chino "Would knowing why help you with acceptance?"


I think so, yes. This silent treatment is making me feel horrible, and I don't understand it at all.

WMaxwell

I don't know what to say to make you feel better. There is nothing that anyone can say to make you feel better. Addicts can be really good liars, and it sounds like your EXAH is good at hiding things. I agree with you; why act like a supportive friend if he cannot be honest with you? Why play such a mean and sick game!?

I do not doubt your EXAH has love for you. That's probably why he didn't tell you about his new lady (because he didn't want to hurt you) and why he is giving you the silent treatment (because he can't man up to the pain he's caused).

It could also be that he WANTS to be your friend, but his new lady would not support that. It could be that he didn't plan on hooking up with you, but he couldn't say no (because the love for you is still there). He's in a new relationship, and after he hooked up with you he felt GUILTY so he didn't contact you any more.

So maybe he didn't set out to hurt you and cheat on his lady. Maybe he intended to be a loving supportive friend to you, and he did not think his new lady would understand so he hasn't told her about you.

Now that I'm sorting this out, I would guess he didn't plan on sleeping with you. He didn't tell you about her so as not to hurt you, and he didn't tell her about you so as not to hurt her. He messed up when he slept with you and he's regretting it. Or maybe he was confused in that moment and consumed by his feelings for you and regretted it later.

If I had to guess (which I do because he's avoiding you) I would guess he loves and cares for you but he's in a new relationship that he's not ready to end. He's scared of you now. He thinks that since he's scorned you, you might destroy his new relationship, so he's avoiding you.

P.S. TiredandSpent is right; men rarely go for very long without a woman. It has nothing to do with you (or me or the quality of any other woman) it's that most men need/want a woman. He might even be in love with a woman other than the one he is with! (some people are selfish like that). I used to be like that. I used to be in love with my ex but in a relationship with someone new for the pure distraction that a new relationship provides. Eventually I'd get over my ex and love the one I was with. Now that I'm older, I have decided not to devalue myself in that way, and, like you, take time between break ups to heal myself BEFORE getting into a new relationship. Your EXAH wasn't single for long because he couldn't stand to be alone. I'm sure he loves her now, but he still has strong feelings for you too.

I know that there is little any of us can do to offer comfort in the face of such a betrayal, but maybe understanding that his behavior may not have been as evil as it appears might give you some comfort. He is human and he is a man, and human men do dumb things (just ask one of them, they'll tell you!)

sofacat

Thank you WMaxwell...

I agree with most everything you said, I do...

But to clarify, we never did sleep together (THANKFULLY)!!!!

He dropped the bomb on the internet and left the country.

My guess is, she probably went through his texts and saw our conversations. Declared he tell me "or else".... SHE is the one who posted it on FB, and he HAD to accept it....she gave him no choice. He was caught.

I don't think he ever intended on telling me. He's only going to be in Dubai for a few more months, and is bidding for a job in Austin, TX next.

She's not American and she lives and works in Dubai. He was prob playing BOTH sides of the globe for his own benefit... "just in case".... either way. But his time ran out.

He tucked his tail and ran, for sure! "because he can't man up to the pain he's caused"

BINGO!!!!! And in typical addict fashion, is playing the ole "switcharoo" game. Treating me as if I had done something wrong.... and I've been playing RIGHT INTO IT! Spending the last few weeks wondering what I had done wrong.

Fool me once shame on you, fool me 536,723 times....I HAVE A HUGE PROBLEM!

Yes, he loves me... but he loves himself, his secrets and his drugs more. He's always loved the "high" he gets from the secret life he lives.

No different with her, me or anyone else in his life. Texting me from Thailand while she was right there. Not cool. And she looks very young....maybe she'll find her way here too someday.

Thank you for that.... I think I'm coming out slowly (I'm PMS'ing so THAT isnt helping)

But I'm beginning to see this for what it really is.

I decided to stay engaged with an addict.... why am I surprised and shocked? It's what addicts do.... they lie.

YearForMe

Say a prayer of THANKS.

You were saved by this in many ways. You were lonely and vulnerable....
and a few months down the road.... and he's back in the US.... and wants to start up with you.

God was looking out for you. That is the way I would take it. He saved you from yourself. Thank you God. Thank you.....