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Old 01-08-2012, 04:30 PM
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Unhappy Alone

I am new to this, so i just figured i will start writing. My fiance over dosed on xanax 2 days ago. He took an entire bottle of 2mg xanax and locked himself in a room. When i got home, i knocked on the door to no reply... i found the bottle outside of the door on the floor. I proceeded to break in the door, my hands and feet and body are bruised and cut due to the failing process. I called the police, who broke in the door. He was sitting in a chair passed out... he was unresponsive and barely breathing. I have never seen him so pale before.

Luckily, he survived and is now in a psych hospital. Since he does not have prescripts of xanax often, he believes he does not have a problem and that the whole incident was an accident. Although he only gets the prescriptions every few months, when he gets a bottle of the pills he takes them all within a few days, forgets everything, and apologizes to me after and says he will not take them again... a few months later, it happens again... this time was a bad one.

He is embarrassed to be where he is now and his parents and him have asked me to not tell anyone about this, even my parents. I feel very alone. I cannot talk to anyone about this... not even my mom or my best friend due to their request. I have never felt more alone and sad. I found this website a few minutes ago and immediately joined, hoping it will give me and outlet to tell my story and get feedback from others who feel my pain.

thanks for listening,
fiance of a user
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Old 01-09-2012, 06:17 AM
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It is a very lonley feeling not to share something that is so deep inside . It is not my place I understand to tell of my son's addiction to anyone, it will be his place someday to tell others in the family...if he chooses to at that time. Still I feel like I am lying by not saying anything when Grandparents ask about him. But I have to tell myself silence is golden and what value would there be to tell others.
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Old 01-09-2012, 06:31 AM
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We codependents/enablers are known to be cover up artists. We lie for our addicts, we play lets pretend, it is part of our disease.

Based on what we do, we create alot of internal stress for ourselves and basically live in a prison with invisible bars.

I didn't run around telling everyone that my exabf was an addict, however, when asked, I did not lie. There are two ways to lie, and, one is by ommission, leaving out details.

Do what you feel is best for you. If you haven't read Codependent No More I would suggest that you do so. I would also read all the stickeys at the top of this page.

His addiction is his to resolve, your codependency issues are yours to resolve. The relationship will never be a healthy one, until you both get healthy.
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Old 01-09-2012, 07:38 AM
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That xanax is nasty stuff. It is what my husband is primarily addicted too. He also will take any other opiate pain medication if he doesn't have xanax available.

I know that feeling you have. A few years ago I walked in on my husband face down in the carpet in his underwear and I couldn't tell if he was breathing. Scary stuff.

Anyway, lying to cover up someones addiction is only another way to enable them to continue. I don't just blurt it out, but if someone asks, then I am not going to lie for him. I might say he is struggling with addiction at the moment and leave it at that or I might just say, he is sick and refuses to get help at the moment and not elaborate any further than that.

I did not put my husband in the position he is in and you did not put your fiance in the position he is in right now. They did that all by their lonesome. The way I figure, if he didn't want people to know he was an addict, then he probably shouldn't be one.
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Old 01-09-2012, 07:57 AM
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I'm so sorry you're going through this. FWIW, I'm an RA (recovering addict) and have loved ones who are addicts, so I know both sides of the fence.

When I was out there, and then relasped after doing well, my dad told everyone! However, when my stepmom got arrested for something drug related, he didn't want anyone to know. My niece (stepmom's granddaughter who we have raised) was upset, called her friends and dad said something sarcastic.

I told him that stepmom put herself where she was, just as I did, and that those of us who love her have every right to reach out for support.

No, I don't go blabbing to everyone about my addiction or anyone else's, but I don't lie, either. In fact, I've been pretty open about my own addiction and have met many people who also have A's in their life.

SR has been a huge help because people understand what we're going through. However, some f2f help is really important IMO.

Do I like it that so many people know of my past? It really doesn't bother me, because it IS my past and the very same people are some of my greatest supporters in recovery. They say that secrets keep us sick, and it not only applies to the A's, but us codies (codependents), too.

Whatever you decide, please know that we are here for you.

Hugs and prayers,

Amy
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Old 01-09-2012, 08:24 AM
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Originally Posted by fianceofauser View Post
He is embarrassed to be where he is now and his parents and him have asked me to not tell anyone about this, even my parents. I feel very alone. I cannot talk to anyone about this... not even my mom or my best friend due to their request. I have never felt more alone and sad.
Why should you not confide in your mother or best friend? Just because someone requests something of you, does not mean you are obligated. It was a very selfish and unreasonable request for him and his parents to make. Why are his needs to cover up his shame greater than your need for support and understanding? And how dare anyone, even your fiance or his parents, try to moderate YOUR relationship with YOUR parents? What you tell your parents is YOUR business, not anyone else's.

If your fiance doesn't want people to have shameful knowledge, he should not engage in shameful activity. If he insists on engaging in shameful activity then let HIM suffer the consequences.

This is your life too, not just his, and you have a right to validate your experience with people important to you. You have the right to support. HE'S getting support from his friends and family, and yet is denying you the same. IMHO, not right at all.

I wonder how his parents would feel if you inflicted a terrible trauma upon HIM and insisted that he not tell them? Bet they wouldn't be so understanding. Bet they'd think it was out of line for you to dictate what their own son could and couldn't tell them.

I always used to hear from my ex: "Don't air the dirty laundry in public", and at first I didn't; and then it occurred to me that if he didn't want his dirty laundry in public, he could refrain from creating dirty laundry in the first place, and if he were going to dump his dirty laundry on me, I could handle it ANY WAY I SAW FIT--and he had no room for complaint. Once he made his problems my business, they were MY business to handle. God knows, he wasn't handling anything well, so he really had no say in the matter.

Abusers like to isolate people; it makes them more susceptible to further abuse. You are being isolated. There's no reason for you to face these problems in your life without people who love you. Frankly your parents love you and have your best interests at heart more than HIS parents do; they don't have your best interests at heart at all. Why should you deny yourself of the support and nurturing and care of people who love you most in the world: your friends and parents, people who love you more than your fiance and his parents. They aren't concerned about you.

Remember YOU MATTER TOO. There's no reason to honor their request, nor is it in ANYONE's best interest to honor their request, no in yours, his, your parents, or his parents.

He's ashamed? Well, he can just man up and face that shame, and maybe (or maybe not, who knows) it will motivate him to avoid shameful behavior in the future. But even if it doesn't, he has no right to avoid the shame he created by shifting it's burden onto you.

Please reconsider isolating yourself from people who care and can help you. IMO, it's just not right.
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Old 01-09-2012, 08:49 AM
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Addiction is progressive.

Addiction demands he protect and sustain it.

Silence sustains denial, thus protects and sustains addiction.

This forum is chock full of posters who knew their spouces had problems with alcohol and/or drugs before they married them. Many did not understand the power of addiction and thought marriage and parenthood would snap their loved one out of it. They were mistaken.

Addiction is progressive.
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Old 01-09-2012, 11:58 AM
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thank you guys for all of the support. Last night, i was not in a very good place... my fiance i believe is detoxing and he is saying he is experiencing hallucinations that are not really happening.. this morning at 5 am he called and said that someone beat him up in his sleep. I was terrified! he had an elaborate story about how the nurses saved him and how the person who did it was in jail. naturally, since i believed him at first due to his hysteria, i called the hospital... none of that acutally happened. bc of this early morning trauma... i have decided to tell my mom, no one else. My mom is a wonderful lady and i know i can confide in her, just as i have found solice in confiding in you guys. Your information is truly helping me better cope knowing that there are others out there like me.
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Old 01-09-2012, 01:04 PM
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Please think before reacting. Your life will be happier.

Originally Posted by fianceofauser View Post
...this morning at 5 am he called and said that someone beat him up in his sleep. I was terrified! he had an elaborate story about how the nurses saved him and how the person who did it was in jail. naturally, since i believed him at first due to his hysteria, i called the hospital...
If the nurses 'saved' him, then the hospital already knows about his problem, and your terror and your call to the hospital was unnecessary. If he called you after his 'beating' then he was clearly all right and didn't need either your terror or intervention.

This is why people say you are in over your head. He played you, you reacted right on cue; you were terrified, the nurses were annoyed (they are busy and it's not their job to sooth strangers who are overreacting), and he got positive reinforcement for bad behavior.

Frankly I'm shocked the hospital talked to you. What happened to HPPA? They were discussing a medical condition of a patient with a non-patient, non-family member, non-medical person. I believe your fiance could probably turn around and sue them for that. Most hospitals won't even admit a mental patient or drug treatment patient has been in admitted.

It's not their job to calm you down and reassure you. It's your job to monitor YOUR reactions and behavior (not his reactions/behavior). Would you consider going no contact while he's in the hospital? For YOUR good?

PS: we all get played when we first start interacting with an addict. After a while you get callous--hence perhaps why his father is 'controlling'.
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