laurie6781

I've waited a bit to respond Jason, because I really had to do some 'internal looking.'

I'm not sure 'resentment' is the right word at least for me. You see I look at the majority of my 'resentments' as somebody not doing, what I WANTED them to do, when I WANTED them to do it, to make ME MORE COMFORTABLE.

Knowing as much of your story as I do, I want to first say, OMG you have come SO FAR JASON and have turned into such a COMPASSIONATE, CARING young man, it is just WOW!!!!!! to me.

I suspect that some of what you feel about both your dad and mom is resentment, but I suspect a lot more of it is a terrible hurt and emotional turmoil that you are trying to get past.

I am not going to say 'forget' what happened, but I am going to suggest that you work on 'forgiving' them for they were and she is VERY SICK. You are not forgiving them for them, you are 'forgiving them for you.' To stop renting space in your head.

Just remember to look at the other side of this coin ................................. you did survive, you are growing and changing, and I suspect you are going to be very helpful in the near to far future to MANY other young people that have gone through what you have. You will be their inspiration that with work, and a bit of faith, a person can move forward and be a very contributory person in society.

A wee bit of a 'trick' that will help you with ACoA meetings. Try a few and when you hear someone say G.O.D. thing of Good Orderly Direction

or

Group Of Dependents

and use the 'group' as your HP.

The 12 Steps are not about RELIGION. They are about leading you to a 'spiritual way of life.'

Well, what is a 'spiritual way of life'? Keeping it simple, here is what it comes down to for me:

Each day to the best of my ability, I practice THOUGHTFULNESS, KINDNESS, AND CONSIDERATION to all who cross my path, and I treat all who cross my path as I would WISH TO BE TREATED.

Now I know that sounds simple, but it can be very difficult some days.

So please give some ACoA meetings a try. There you WILL meet others who have been where you are and/or are where you are now. They will be able to share their ES&H with you, and you may slowly make some new acquaintances, some of which who might turn into close friends as time goes on.

You have come so so far Jason!!!!!! Every time I read a new post from you, my heart really smiles.

Love and hugs,

YearForMe

Jason....

I can tell you that it's not good to turn your emotions off completely. What happens is...you are not emotionally available to anyone. And that includes people that have not hurt you and have no reason for you to shut them out. It's painful to them and harmful to you.

My personal translation of resentment (and this is just for me) but the things I find being resentful of...are the things the other person refuses to acknowledge. For me...it's unresolved until I either get confirmation from the other person that they are aware, or sorry...or not sorry.

Or if I get nothing....then I work it out internally and get rid of it. For me...for my health, happiness...etc. How I do that now is....I write it down and have it on my desk for a day or two. then I make the decision to no longer think about it....nor carry it around in my heart or in my head. I decide that what is done is done.....and the paper goes into the shredder....and while it's being chewed up....I stop whatever I am doing and watch every last morsel of it go thru the jaws of the shredder.

This life is not a dress rehearsal. As you get older....you will start to realize certain things and you will work thru things and not hang on to them as long....then most things will be like water off a duck's butt.

I know it sounds impossible in some ways....but it absolutely is possible.....I promise you.

catlovermi

I wanted to add just a little, to what I said before, and it dovetails in with the point Laurie is trying to make, too.

In the case of a CHILD, who is developing, and PARENTS, who are the guardians of that development, the responsibility landscape is nearly exclusively on the parents. Very, very little responsibility in this relationship is on the child - only to be basically decent and respectful, etc. In addition, this is perhaps THE most vulnerable relationship a person will ever have, as the child - it is uniquely structured to where the child is vulnerable to the other party's influence. So in this case, it's fairly unique in terms of a "resentment." I do agree with Laurie that the result of this going bad is a whole lot of damage, hurt, and pain.

In MOST other resentments, the responsibility landscape is more complex - both parties have objective responsibilities within the landscape. So objectively painting out the responsibility landscape in MOST resentments has an element of figuring out which responsibilities are actually OURS.

My experience (oh, crap, OUCH!!) has been that the heart of most of my resentments is that along with the emotional fallout I've received from somebody else's actions is this little thorn in my side that I've tried to push some piece of MY responsibility onto them.

And I was NEVER able to clear the resentment until I took ownership of my appropriate pieces of responsibility.

Until the responsibility landscape is ACCURATELY, and HONESTLY painted out, the resentment is in limbo.

WHEN the responsibility landscape is finally ACCURATELY and HONESTLY painted out, THEN we can lick our wounds from what we did TO OURSELF, and then heal from the part of damage resulting from the failed responsibilities that do not belong to us.

My own experience is that the sticking-est part of a resentment is admitting my part.

(Note, again, this scenario of parents failing a child is uniquely different and the child really cannot hold any responsibility in this case.)

---

Just felt compelled to add this.

CLMI

Willybluedog

Jason,

Start reading, don't sweat the higher power stuff, from what I have read it take some people many years to find the higher power, and my interpretation is that higher power is different for each person.

I would also recommend you read Conversations with God by Neale Donald Walsh, for me it reframed my concept of God, I was always struggling with, is go there, why does he not answer me, etc. this book helped me with that.

Some people have also recommended The Shack, I started it but it's some tough reading, I had to put it down for awhile.

You know it's ok to be emotionally wild, it is hard but at least you are "feeling", someone here said that they "center themselves" by sitting in a dark room and looking at the flame of a single candle. I find that very comforting also.

Hang in there, obviously lots of people here care about you, if you need to talk just let me know.

Bear hugs,

Bill

DesertEyes

Hello SpeedyJason, and pleased to meet you

Well, that's not the way I got rid of my resentments. The phrase "Let go" is just convenient shorthand for a much more complicated process. Some people say "Let go, or be dragged", which is the way my life was when I hung on to my resentments.

But wait, I should introduce myself first. I am an alcoholic, a co-dependent, an adult child of alcoholics, an incest survivor, and a few other things.

My "family of orgin" was nuts. The politically correct term is "toxic". I call it "nuts", as in crazy. Most of the adults were drunks, wife beaters, child abusers, and a couple pedophiles tossed in just for variety. I had two aunts that tried to get away from the insanity. I'm not sure exactly what their story is but they died of anorexia.

I ran away from home when I was 12. I found out that on the streets I got the same treatment that I got at home... but I got _paid_ for it. I fell in with some older guys that had lots of money and partied all the time. The booze made it possible for me to exist amongst other humans without getting too emotionally worked up. Nowadays they call that "self-medication", I just called it "relief".

By the time I was 17 I had burned out. Living in a trash dumpster. Thinking that I was better than the wino's because I was _not_ living in the gutter. That's called denial. One day I was having DT's in the dumpster and somebody came by, fished me out and took me to a church where they had a homeless shelter in the basement.

Took me a few years to catch on, but I managed to quit drinking. The problem then is that I was left without my "self-medication" and all my "issues" came roaring forward and my emotions were a mess. I used the 12 step programs and a couple good therapists to help me and little by little I got straightened out.

Today I have a fantastic life. I've checked off my "bucket list" many times over. All those old resentments and "hangups" are long gone. Enough about me, let's see about your questions.

Doesn't work that way. I had much the same resentments you mentioned. I was angry at my various family members for all they did to me. The years of life I lost as a young adult because I was busy getting my head cleared out instead of working on a career, or life of my own. All the "social inadequacies" I had as a result of their abuse. I had loads of anger.

I was never able to "let go" of any of those feelings. They're not objects that I can just drop. I had to do the step work mentioned in the books and then the anger slowly faded away.

I think it would be rather weird if you were _not_ angry at them. I mean, only a sociopath has _no_ feelings. Recovery is not about denying feelings. It's about _accepting_ them, and then taking action to turn them into something positive instead of negative.

Me? I used that anger as a motivator. I got a job and signed up for college. It turned out to be a lot harder than I expected. Every time I felt tired, or defeated, I would intentionally bring up that anger and use it. I was going to do well in college as my own form of revenge.

It worked. Ok, my first year was awful, but I did graduate and with good grades. I also used the anger to motivate me to excercise, to run, to lift weights, and so on.

Well yeah, you're not _supposed_ to be able to get close to people. No ACoA is able to do that. That's _why_ there is the organization of ACoA, and why there are therapists and self-help books. That ability is something that children learn from their parents. ACoA's don't have parents.

I had to teach myself how to do that. I started by showing up at meetings of AA and just sitting. Not talking to anybody. Just sitting. Eventually they talked to me. I was nice to them, just as a form of practice. I made it a point _not_ to expect myself to be suddenly normal just because I quit drinking. I gave myself permision to be just like all the other ACoA's and teach myself how to be normal.

You are right with that statement. Pretending never worked for me. Like I wrote above, I taught myself how to be normal little by little.

Nope, no objections from me. That's exactly what my parents did to me. I decided I was not going to let them get away with that and so I decided I would un-screw myself. And I did.

It's not fair. And you're not supposed to "let it go" by pretending it never happened. That's called "enabling". You're supposed to fix your own life and use your experience as an ACoA to show others how to get _their_ lives un-screwed.

Welcome to the world of ACoA That's what we all feel.

Here's a couple things I never thought I would experience.

Pride. I helped raise a daughter. She got married, had her own kids. One day she was going thru a rough time in _her_ life and came up to me and just said "I know I'm going to be alright because I have you. You are my rock"

How's that for showing the world that I have overcome my parents "screwing" and become a decent human?

Love. That daughter I helped raise? She has 4 kids of her own. When they were small they would bring me their books so I would read to them, and they'd fall asleep snuggled up next to me on the couch.

You think any child ever did that with _my_ parents?

Getting back to your question.

Start with step One. But use the version for ACoA.

"I am powerless over my past, and my life has become unmanageable".

Use the "Serenity Prayer", but use the version for ACoA

"HP, grant me the serenity to accept the past I cannot change,
the Courage to change the future I can
and the Wisdom to start today"

Try one of the "self-lessons" that worked for me. See if it works for you. Go to some place that is good for you, and don't talk to anybody. Just go to see what you can learn. Don't try to be sociable, or try to like people, or pretend, or any of that. Try the ACoA forum right here on SR. Don't post. Just go to see what information might be useful to you. Then leave.

Try that just once. Just for one day. The next day you can decide if you want to do it again. Or you can decide not to do it again. That's what the whole "One day at a time" concept is all about.

That's what worked for me. See if it works for you.

Mike

boing5050

WOW,this quote just made my day, thank you.

laurie6781

Not 'hijacking' the post or OP, but

DANG MIKE

What an awesome SHARE, especially since you have been through the same thing and were able to articulate so well for so many of us.

And yes the I suppose the 'politically correct term is toxic', but my family too was and is still JUST PLAIN NUTS. The oldest member, my mother's younger brother is 83, still drinking and is kept totally away from his grandchildren and new great grandchild.

Thank you so much!!!!!!!!

Lots of love and bunches of hugs,

JustAYak

Thanks for sharing your experience with me Mike, it was helpful to hear that. One question though, when you say "enabling," who would I be enabling? I'm assuming you mean that I'm enabling myself, my denial of my feelings towards whatever has happened. Is that what you mean?

Oh and don't worry, I lurk on the ACoA forum quite often

DesertEyes

Directly, yes. Indirectly you are also enabling all the other abusers in the world because if you never fix yourself you will never be an example to other recovering ACoA's.

Good. I'm glad to hear that we are useful to you.

Mike

bluebelle

I'm twice your age, and I still deal with resentments. It comes and goes. I get reminded of my feelings when I interact with family members. I think the feelings get worse when I interact with a family member, or when I hear something else about what a family member has done. I think it has helped some to talk to people--friends, counselors, etc., so that I can sort through my feelings. That has been healthier than pretending that everything is o.k. My psychiatrist has helped me by validating my feelings of resentment. She has acknowledged that my feelings of sadness, anger, resentment, etc., are normal and understandable considering the circumstances.

Some days, I'm able to feel forgiveness for my mom's actions. That was not something that came easily. I used to feel that it wasn't my duty to forgive--that was God's job. I later learned that forgiveness was a gift for both my mom and myself. It wasn't doing either of us any good by not forgiving her. It was odd, because I felt the forgiveness toward her after her latest suicide attempt/OD. However, I still feel waves of resentment, especially when I think about how difficult my life has been because of being abused. In my mom's case, it is easier b/c a lot of her issues are due to mental illness as well as drug abuse. I feel that her mental problems are so extensive, that it is not all under her control. She has done good things for me as well as bad things to me.

My resentment toward my father and father's father are much greater. My few interactions with them were of an abusive nature. There was almost nothing else. I still feel lots of resentment toward both of them. That is much more than anything due to drug abuse/alcoholism. My interactions with them have mostly been negative, so my forgiveness is more difficult.

bluebelle

I want to add that one thing that has helped me is by volunteering to help animals. Somehow, it helps for me to give of myself in a non-codependent manner. I think it is healing b/c I am giving them something that I didn't get.

Chino

Jason, thank you for reaching out, and many, many thanks to the ACOA's for your shares. I've learned a lot from this thread. You all provided insight I was lacking, and I have a better understanding now, and deeper compassion for all the ACOA's in my life.

m1k3

Jason, I am an atheist/buddhist and have no problem with the higher power stuff. For me it can be several things. It can be the wisdom of the group, it can be my inner wisdom and it can simply be reality/nature/the universe. Or it can simply remain undefined. After all it's just words. For me meditation brought me in touch with my higher power, whatever it might be.

I have just started an ACOA group that is working out of the 12 steps to self parenting for adult children of alcoholics. That book has really hit home with me and framed the 12 steps in a way that just works. In that book they refer as much to your higher parent as much as they do to a higher power. I highly recommend it.

Your friend,

Thlayli

I wondered if Mike was going to chime in about Buddhism

I'm not ACOA but Buddhist readings have been particularly helpful in helping me let go of resentments. I also find that it works nicely with some of the ideas in 12-step programs. Pema Chodron is a current favorite of mine.

keepstrong

I had a few major relapses recently, and it's because of this very reason, I'm disappointed to say. Resentments, of my upbringing, my life situations, traumas and crises have quite literally been eating me alive, no matter how much work I do in other areas of my life my mind just goes into the past and crushes me. I've realized I cannot stop my addictions until I forgive and let go of the past, which includes my resentments.

But as of a few days ago, in my search for a solution, I picked up a book called "Love is Letting Go of Fear". I've tried every other type of therapy, tool, book and counselling and nothing has really started to work until this. It's a very short read, but for whatever reason is very soothing and hits the right notes. I may have to read it 40 times until all the lessons truly sink in, but, for me anyway, it just has an effect of soothing and releasing the past.

I realize my suggestion may not count for much, with me having relapsed. But it is having an effect on me where nothing else did. Maybe it will help you as well?

JustAYak

I must say I'm not much of a book reader, but thanks again Bill for mentioning the book called "The Shack." I picked it up after I read a little excerpt from it online and found it interesting (even though I have a God-complex of sorts). Holy crap do I relate and I'm only 65 pages in...

Keepstrong - Thanks for the other book suggestion, I'll have to look that one up too.

Thank you all for your replies once again. They are much appreciated

JustAYak

Will do, cynical one!

bluebelle

You guys got me, now. I'm checking out the first chapter.

catlovermi

Yeah, reading The Shack was like a deep muscle massage - taking all those mental gnarly knotty resistances and rejections of Higher Power concepts, and massaging them into something more flexible. And by the end, something beautiful, comforting, and peaceful.

CLMI