Krystal32

So, today is my fiance's 5th day in rehab and the past couple days a few things have come to surface and I'm not too sure how to handle it. Of course he was on a rampage a couple days before he went in, going to great lengths to get high as much as he could. I guess I just didn't realize how desperate he had really gotten. He didn't take anything from me cause I don't have anything of value anymore but he did steal all his sisters prescription diet pills and today his mother just realized that he stole a heart off her necklace that belonged to his grandmother who passed away a few years ago and it was the last piece of jewelery she had left of hers. I don't know how to handle this. I guess this is where the codependency kicks in cause I feel awful cause of what he did to his mother and his sister. It's like I feel it's my responsibilty to apologize for him. His mom is so heart broken and I feel so bad for her. He's stolen plenty of things from me but nothing of sentimental value like that. Obviously if I talk to him I shouldn't say anything, right? It's just baffling to me, his behavior before he left shocks me but why should it? I knew he was extremely desperate but I guess I just didn't think he would go that low.....

lonelystar

Hi Krystal,

ive figured out the longer they keep using the more lower they become, i dont feel you should have to apologize for anybodys behavior or actions , sending you my prayers

lesliej

I'm not sure about the "obviously" part of your post. To me there is never ever a need for anything but transparency in communication. No egg shells. No hiding, secrecy, or shame.
It is neither your responsibility (necessity to respond to situation) nor need to withhold. You now know this part of the story. If YOU feel the need to express, express...to him? to others?...if you feel the need to not express to him, then don't. Focus on yourself, your needs. His behavior has once again affected you, do you need to "protect" him from this? Isn't this a consequence of his actions? You get to decide how you handle this...

Keep seeking freedom for your self to express!
Peace.

dollydo

He is on his own, sink or swim. To me, it is not in your place to do anything...except work on your codependency issues.

This is only the tip of the iceberg, more will be revealed, he is an addict and doing what addicts do, lie, steal, manipulate and negitively affect everyone who comes in contact with them.

Take this time to work on you and get yourself healthy, so, you can make appropiate decisions for your well being, your life. He will be an addict all his ife, there is no cure for this disease, relapses are common...it can be pure h@ll being a codependent in a relationship with an addict. I know, I was there.

InnocntBystnder

He knows or will find out from someone else that he did what he did. It is not your place to tell him, it is his mothers if he doesn't remember.

You also do not owe his mother an apology. HE owes her one.

fianceofauser

krystal, i am currently in a similar situation... except we (my fiance's family and i) are desperately trying to get him to go into rehab... he had his second overdose 2 days ago. he is still in the hospital.. i am also struggling if i should let him know all of the horrible things he did while he was on his rampage to get drugs before his overdose. I do believe though that it is important to not blame yourself and also that you do not have to apologize for him. Since he is in rehab, hopefully he will get better and in the meantime you can have time to heal as well. Good luck with everything...

Krystal32

Thank you everyone for all the advice and support and fianceofauser, I am so so sorry for what you are going through and I do hope that you and your fiance family are able to get him to go to treatment but if there's one thing that I have learned up to this point, its that he will not get help until he is ready to. I'm sure you have heard that a million times but let me tell you, from being very fresh into this whole situation, that statement couldn't be more true. They do have to hit a bottom and that's exactly what happened with my fiance. I truly pray from the bottom of my heart that this is your fiance's bottom. And I am just starting to work on myself and I know it's a long road ahead of me is but I am ready to face it. I hope everything works out for you

outtolunch

Most people call the Police and press charges when they are robbed.

Codependent family members tend not to do so because of a mistaken belief they don't want to ruin the criminal's life. When they make this choice they prevent the criminal from experiencing the consequences of their behaviors.
They also send a message to the criminal it's OK to steal from them which is why many persist in stealing from their family.

Desperation for drugs and rampage are not excuses for criminal activity.

TiredandSpent

What is also true however is that if it's a family member police often have a tendency NOT to do anything about it. If YOU break into my house, the police will arrest you. If my ex-husband breaks in 5 years after the divorce, they won't. They will take him out and tell him to calm down and stay away, even if the door frame is splintered from where he kicked in the door. (this happened to me, and when he broke in again through the OTHER door several hours later, I still had to BEG them to arrest him).

If YOU are visiting my house and refuse to leave, I can call the police and have you arrested. But if you are my son or my MIL or my brother, and I call the police, they say "It's a family thing" and won't do anything.

If YOU slam me against the wall, the police will arrest you. If my husband slams me against the wall, they take him to a hotel.

If YOU steal my identity, you will be arrested. If my mother does it, I have to seek a remedy in court.

After a while, you learn that the police won't do anything if you are victimized by a family member--and the criminal figures it out too. It's not always a codependency thing.