Boyfriend of 3 years entered detox today, need advice
 

Hey, I'm new here and I want to make a very long story, fairly short. I met my boyfriend 7 years ago and were "close friends" you could say until 3 years ago when we started really dating. And when we started dating, unfortunately, he also started doing Oxycontin, all around the same time. I didnt know what it was all that much back then but i knew it wasn't good if it continued. I tried telling him not to do it cause he could get addicted easily and now 3 years later, after many failed attempts to get clean, many relapses and many many pills later, here I am looking for a word of encouragement. He got clean, got back into the gym, started looking/feeling good again and went back, and that happened about 4 times so far, always self-detoxing at home and taking suboxone. Never lasted more than 2 months, the amount of drugs he needed increased. Went from a few oxy80s to a lot of roxy30s to roxys & cocaine together and this past time turned into heroin & cocaine together, snorting all of it. He calls it "speedballing". Now, I have seen it all. I know I am a big enabler of this because I never left him and always stuck by his side with a safety net whether he was using or quitting. I have seen it all, nodding out, falling asleep anywhere he is, the night terrors, the "demons", the hallucinations from being awake for days straight, the withdrawals, the sweating, the snorting, the stealing, the lying, the cheating. We lived together so I saw it all first hand for the past year and I recently moved back home. But Im still by his side. Today he took a new road to sobriety and went into a detox center and is going to rehab after. Do I believe this will work this time? Not exactly, but I will stand by him because I do love him and care about him as a person and since I know he never wanted to become this person (he never thought he would) I have faith in him and Im always supporting him. But Im getting sick of saying this time is different, this time this time ..my family nor his family doesn't want to hear it anymore and Im sick of defending him. He's never hurt me physically, hes never stole from me (from what I know, I check a lot) Im not the enemy in this and he doesn't treat me like it, he deffinately shows me he needs me, but Im so sick of being second to drugs. But I can't leave him. Mind you I haven't touched anything in my life and that's God's honest truth. So that's where I get GoodVsEvil ..Me Vs. His disease.

What I need to know is... do I stick by his side since he says he needs me or do I move on and let him be on his own with it? I know all I do is rationalize everything, its my defense mechanism, but who looks foolish here? Im honestly happy being there for him and helping when I can with what I can. Am I just blind or am I really sticking by someone truly? Please give me some advice, I need to hear it from complete strangers who knows my position, not family or friends.

Hi GoodVsEvil, and welcome to SR! I'm sorry for the circumstances that brought you here, but am very glad you found us.

I can't tell you what to do. What I can do is share my experience, strength, and hope.

I spent 5 years of my life with an active addict/alcoholic, as well as being an addict/alcoholic myself who used through that entire relationship.

I was bound and determined to stick by him no matter what.

That marriage almost killed me, in more ways than one.

It took many years into my recovery from addiction/alcoholism before I hit a bottom in my codependency, and started the journey of self-discovery, which continues today, and will be a life long quest.

I now have a 33-year-old daughter active in addictions.

The tools that have helped me discover self, and start making healthy decisions in my life are attending Alanon, working with a therapist, and reading the book "Codependent No More" by Melody Beattie (have read it several times over the years).

As a recovering alcoholic/addict, I can tell you my support has had to come from others in recovery, those who understand where I have been. Family, and even well-meaning friends just aren't the kind of support that I need.

I hope you continue to post. Please feel free to ask more questions, vent, or just read here at SR. There are some very good "sticky" topics at the top of this forum to further educate yourself on addiction.

Sending you hugs of support. :hug:

Welcome to SR......this is a great forum.

I also can't tell you what to do. That never really works anyway. If I give advice, I also get to share some of the responsibility for the outcome......and I have a tough enough time being responsible for me!!! However, I'm happy to share some of the things I have learned from being married to an addict (many years ago) and being the mother of an addict.

Addiction is a very tricky disease. Addicts aren't bad people....they are sick people. Unfortunately, the disease often doesn't allow them to see how very sick they are. Addiction is also called a family disease because it usually causes dysfunction in the people who love the addict. Those closest to the addict are usually the most affected.

This forum is a great place to learn about codependence and addiction. There will be many who come along to respond to your post. All have experience with drug addiction. Some will give advice. Others will not. Take what you need and store the rest--it may not mean much to you now but it may come in handy at some point in the future.

Again, welcome to SR.......

gentle hugs
ke

I picture addiction as a weight, like an anchor that my son has wrapped himself in. Hanging on will only drag me down with him. Letting go frees him up to find his own way to detangle.

Only you can decide what is right for you. If love could save our addicted loved ones, not one of us would be here. That said, I stuck with my son for years and years until "his" addiction almost killed "me".

I am glad you joined us and hope you find the support here you seek. Take a good read around and learn a little about the stories of those here who have walked where you walk today.

Hugs