Krystal32

So, I heard from my fiance today and its his 3rd day in rehab and he says to me that he doesn't know if he can do this. He says that its killing him not being able to see our son or me and that they aren't really doing anything for him. That most of what he's doing is just sitting around. The place he's in now is more of where they get all his info and do all the medical stuff I guess and then he's going to be transfered to another place where I'm assuming more of his actual therapy will begin. So, its like he's just waiting right now and I told him that he can do this and to remember that its very temporary having to be away from us and that once he gets transferred things will start to happen. I'm just very worried about him cause I don't want him to get discouraged and I know there's only so much I can say or do to help him and I know I need to be focusing on myself right how but its pretty much impossible for me not to be worried. I don't really know how all this works as far as the whole process in rehab. I can just imagine just sitting there has to be like torture. I just don't want to see him leave which I don't think he will cause he has way too much riding on this. It just has me on edge. I know its all up to him but I can't help but worry

Ann

It is not unusual for addicts to begin making excuses to leave the first week or so of rehab. They have usually detoxed and are now craving their drug. They will play on our sympathy or fear to get an okay to leave and then they will pick up where they left off, once out.

The good news is that most make it past this difficult time. I really hope that is the case with your fiance. The longer he stays, the better his odds of learning the skills needed to embrace recovery.

Keeping you both in my prayers.

Ilovemysonjj

Hi Krystal, agreed. Many experienced people said the first week in rehab is the hardest. It actually will be a good sign if he stops calling you, cause that will be the signal that he is now focusing on his recovery. Our part is just as hard as the addicts. We need to stop trying to fix them. We need to let them hurt, let them agonize and let them choose.
Stay strong, he needs you to be detached (and you need this as well) so he can find his own ability to choose sobriety and recovery.
I am walking this same mile, and it kills me not to know how my son is doing (he has been in since 10-24) BUT also I have been encouraged by others that if the addict is taking their recovery seriously, you don't hear from them as much.

Your husband will find his way if that is what he wants. No matter what you want, that is his mile to walk.
Hugs and support,
Teresa

Krystal32

The first thing I said is that he has to stick it out and that it's going to get better. I kinda figured it was normal, I would imagine the first week is the worst. I don't by any means at all want him to leave and there's nothing he can say to me that's going to make me say that its ok for him to leave. Absolutely not, he knows he has to do this and I'm not going to be flexible with that in any way. And anvilhead, ur totally right. He needs to see what a great opportunity he's been given and hopefully he will. I understand what ur saying about him not thinking about me or our child when he was getting high, I'm just trying not to focus on where he's at now and moving on from here. I don't want to hold any resentment in me cause its just going to eat at me. I'm just trying to keep my stress level as low as possible. Ann- thank u again for ur support and words of encouragement, they mean more than I could tell u.

outtolunch

Worrying about people and situations we have no control over tends to cause us to lose sight of the most important thing we do control, our reaction. One of the greatest ah-ha moments I had was the realization that worry is a choice, my choice.

Knowing, really knowing, that there is nothing you can say or do that will cause him to stay put or bolt, relapse or stay clean, is liberating. Recovery is a one man show and he will need to work it every day for the rest of his life.. Rehab does not cure addiction. At best, it can teach a highly motivated guest the tools of recovery. It's up to the addict to use those tools , or not. Parenthood does not cure addiction. Our love, concern and worry does not cure addiction. If it did, none of us would be here. We are not that powerful.

outtolunch

I am going to make a cheesy analogy, here. The first week of a diet is tough. The next week, it's tougher and so on. We all know the drill. Reduce calories and increase activity and the weight comes off. Lots of people push through and achieve healthy weight goals. And once they do, so many stop working their program. Calorie intake increases and activity output reduces and before ya know it, the weight is back on and often some extra, too.

The point of this is that rehab is the easy part. It's a controlled drug -free enviornment. It's tough to stick to it. It's even tougher to do so outside of a controlled rehab enviornment.

Attaching your emotional well being to his ups and downs and outcome is not healthy for you or your children. As the father of these children, it's his job to emotionally support you, especially in your final trimester. Mature support, given the situation, is taking responsibility for himself and the incredible opportunity that awaits him.

Freedom1990

When I went through rehab in '86, we were allowed zero contact with anyone outside of the facility the first two weeks we were in rehab. There was a good reason for that too.

Anything that can deflect an addict from working on his/her own recovery, like whining to family about how tough it is, is something an addict will jump on if given the chance.

Krystal32

Thank you outtolunch for your input, that does help me see things differently. The hard work will really begin once he's out and I do hope that he embraces all the help that's coming his way. When we were talking he said he was hoping for me to say "come home" and I told him that he's not going to get that from me. I have a long road ahead of me as far as not letting his choices and moods affect my own. This is just the very beginning of this life long process and there's clearly a lot I don't know and a lot I have to learn. What confuses me is now that he's made the choice to change the path he's been on, I should be supportive, right? But how do I do that and detach myself at the same time? I guess that's where I need to go to the meetings and start to get some knowledge that I need.

outtolunch

[QUOTE=Krystal32;3230929

What confuses me is now that he's made the choice to change the path he's been on, I should be supportive, right? But how do I do that and detach myself at the same time? I guess that's where I need to go to the meetings and start to get some knowledge that I need.[/QUOTE]
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Picture responsibility as a monkey. Many active addicts and those in early recovery or in the midst of yet another relapse, seek to transfer the monkey off their back and onto those who care about them. This way, it's someone else's fault. They fail to own their own addiction and recovery.

The thing about support is that it keeps us engaged in stuff we don't control.
It can become a two-way crutch and an excuse. This forum is full of posts where the addict blamed the people who cared for them, for relapsing because these other people were not supportive enough. Many codependents believe they are responsible for and feel guilty that they should have done more to support the addict in their lives. Just poppycock.

"Bummer" is a dorky and magical word. It acknowledges the other person's woes while preventing the other person from transfering the monkey off his back onto your own. Your fiance is an adult with an adult problem. Makes no sense to me to clap with glee when he makes a pee-pee in the pot, instead of his pants. Know what I mean?

He either going to put 150% into this opportunity or not, regardless what what you do or say.

You have a healthy boundry that he cannot come back home. Absolutely no reason for someone in active addiction to be around children, ever. You have a toddler and another on the way. More than enough on your plate, right now. While he can't be there to rub your feet, he can keep that blasted monkey where it belongs and man up and put 150% into his recovery cause there are no magical solutions.