New and a Little Nervous

Old 01-04-2012, 01:50 PM
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New and a Little Nervous

Hi, I'm new here. I'm dating a recovering substance addict. We've been dating for a year, his addiction started shortly after our relationship, and I found out about it two months ago when he got arrested for possession with intent to sell (but I'll save those great details for another time). I've already been through my family and friends telling me I'm an idiot for staying with him and believing him, and finally feel that our relationship is starting to be accepted. However, I still haven't fully accepted it myself...

For the past two months he's been doing really great. He's stayed sober, stayed away from bad influences, gone to NA meetings and outpatient rehab, gone to a psychiatrist.
We do have a lot of misunderstandings and fights, mostly because I can't let go of all the bad memories of the constant deceit and the horrible way he treated me while he was an addict. He sees himself as a new person now, but I haven't been able to completely believe the full transformation, not yet.

I came to this site just to do some reading, but I ended up with lots of questions. I can check off almost everything on the Codependent checklist, and that scares me a little. What does it mean that I am Codependent? How can I overcome this? Is it going to hurt him and his recovery? Is it me causing all of the fights and all of the problems we still have?

It's so hard to stay happy and not get scared for the future, especially when I'm not fully over all of the bad things in the past. I'm trying to move forward with him but some days are just really hard. There is so much about who he was and who he is now that I just don't understand, but I can't walk away from him and I don't want to. I guess I'm just looking for some guidance or some advice from anyone else who has been through this before.
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Old 01-04-2012, 02:03 PM
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Hi lovestrong, and welcome to SR!

I am a recovering addict/alcoholic, and a recovering codependent. (I was married to an addict and have an addicted daughter).

The good news is there are many resources out there to help you heal from the effects of his addiction and address your codependency issues.

I'd highly recommend the book "Codependent No More" by Melody Beattie. It was a real eye-opener for me.

Alanon has been a tremendous help to me over the years too. There I have found face-to-face support among those who understand and have been where I was at when I started. My current sponsor is a double winner...AA and Alanon both.

There are a lot of "sticky" topics at the top of this forum that are good reading in educating yourself on the disease of addiction.

I'm so glad you found us, and know that you are among friends, okay?
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Old 01-04-2012, 04:41 PM
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Hi lovestrong,

We have similar situations. I joined this site a week ago and it is really full of information - it's helping me .

This comment:

your FIRST concern wasn't about how YOUR codependency is affecting YOU, it was about if it is affecting HIM. see "normally" when we find out we got some illness or injury, we want to know how to make it go away and how to make US better, healthy and whole. codependency turns everything on it's ear and the LAST person we concern ourselves with is.....US.

I'm discovering is Really important. I'm just starting to understand what codependency is also. I matched a lot of the checklist Also .
It's scary basically
I came here trying to understand my boyfriend and I see along with that I Have to figure me out.

This site will help us' both do that -
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Old 01-04-2012, 04:57 PM
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Welcome Lovestrong.

his addiction started shortly after our relationship, and I found out about it two months ago when he got arrested for possession with intent to sell
I would suspect that is a very big LIE. His addiction was in full force long before you started a relationship with him.

#1 RULE: Addicts and Alcoholics LIE to make themselves look and/or sound better.


You didn't CAUSE this.

You can't CONTROL this.

You can't CURE this.

Definitely get yourself a copy of "Co Dependent No More" by Melodie Beattie. It is very reasonable on Amazon. Make sure when you sit down to read it you have a 'highlighter' pen handy.

Read the 'stickys' at the top of this forum and some of the threads.

Please continue to post and let us know how you are doing as we do care very much. Feel free to rant, rave, vent, cry, scream, and yes even laugh.

Love and hugs,
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Old 01-04-2012, 05:53 PM
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Originally Posted by laurie6781 View Post

I would suspect that is a very big LIE. His addiction was in full force long before you started a relationship with him.
My very first thoughts, too.

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Old 01-04-2012, 08:09 PM
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being told you are an idiot is not very helpful
your friends and family are telling you that because they love you and they want to see you be free of relationship with an active addict
that is because active addiction is horrible, it includes lies, deceit, blaming, manipulation, really awful destructive mind/heart/soul numbing and killing behavior.

there is so much denial surrounding addiction that it will be pretty much next to impossible for you to understand it, but you are probably going to try to do everything you can do to try to understand it because your heart is involved.

hearts aren't made for dealing with active addiction, and active addiction doesn't have much connection to heart. quite often, when someone who does not have any experience with addiction or codependency discovers that they are in the midst of it it can be entirely confusing. sometimes friends and family members want to just take you out of the situation

it's kind of like an intervention...and it happens, a lot, for a reason. if you decide to stay in there and try to understand this it is going to be a long journey ahead, it will take up a lot of your life energy. this is why some people will call someone an idiot...because though it is not "our" addiction we can become attached to the addiction and unable to let go

get as much help and support as you deserve it. keep reaching out, get the books!! go to meetings!! you deserve it. do it for you. do it for your heart and soul. do it for your life.

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Old 01-05-2012, 12:12 AM
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Thank you all so much. I really didn't expect such a warm welcome but I'm pleasantly surprised. I have been reading the stickys and I already feel like I know so much more about myself and my ABF. I don't consider him an "active" addict right now (which I could be very wrong about..?) because of the weekly drug tests and his dedication to NA and rehab so far. He's also coming clean about his past, telling me anything and everything I want to know. That's another thing I'm not really sure about. I want to know these things and it helps me that he's now being honest (and that he is really ashamed while telling me what he's done) but sometimes hearing the truth just hurts me more than I expect it to. For example, he told me that he used to drive about 90 miles to a specific spot once a week to get what he needed, and him and I often had fights about money because he would complain about spending money on gas to drive the 40 miles to my school a few times a month. Now I'm beginning to see that he was at the point where he'd do anything and everything to feed his addiction and it had nothing to do with me, but at first it was really hard not to take it personally that A. driving twice as far for something like that was more important and less of a hassle than seeing me and B. he would take money from me and lie about what it was used for...and then on top of that make me feel guilty. I think that for the next few days my main focus will be not taking the things he did or said personally, and trying to separate myself from his addiction. From what I've read so far it seems like a good place to start.
And I'll definitely be getting a copy of "Codependent No More"

Again, thank you all for responding I feel the support and love already
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Old 01-05-2012, 06:21 AM
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Welcome Lovestrong.....I don't have the time to respond like I want, so all of what they said! I highly recommend reading Codependent No More. It is truly worth it. I took one weekend and read it, highlighted about a million things and did the activities at the end of each chapter. What an eye opener! I have also ordered her second book from Amazon, which delves further and has more specific methods to really breaking free! Best wishes to you!
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