lesliej

part of what I mean to say, when I say "learning to love a person struggling with addiction" is this...learning to love not only the addict...but learning to love the person struggling with the addict (the codependent) enough to develop and maintain healthy boundaries.

Up until the realization of his using happened you may have thought everything was okay...now you know it wasn't...okay? Odds are, probabilities have it, that his drug use is going to affect you to the level that you have to relearn love. Drugs. Drugs. Drugs.
It is what it is.

Learning to deal in the healthiest manner possible will be your success story...and then hopefully you will be here to share. If you go to face to face meetings you will know what I am saying.

YearForMe

One thing to consider.......

Was he thinking about you...or his daughter when he was using? No....because addicts only think of themselves. That is the nature of addiction.

Was he going to meetings or seeing a counselor over the past 3 years? Because recovery is WORKING A PROGRAM for the rest of his life.
And he knows this if he has ever been in any type of recovery program.

So you meet this guy and become intimate physically....intimate enough to get pregnant....but not emotionally or morally intimate enough for him to tell you about his fairly recent past. And you let it slide and supported him thru his legal woes. That right there....set the bar lower....and he "thought" he had you for life.
You did what countless others...myself included...have done.

Now you are in a situation where it is vitally important to draw a line in the sand. If you batten down the hatches and show him a firm boundry....he will either take his sobriety seriously.....or...he will listen to his addiction.

When i married my first husband...we were both young. I got pregnant right away and almost immediately...he was off and running with his addiction. He got in trouble with the law...big trouble. I was pregnant when the police broke down my door and proceeded to upend my apartment. They found drugs that i had no clue were there. People have said "oh right...you didnt know? And my hand to God....i didnt have a clue what he was doing.
I almost went to jail that day because they found drugs. Thank goodness my husband told them i was not involved. But i packed up all of my things and i left there the next day...filed for divorce and although it was excruciatingly devastating......i kept moving forward on my own.
That was almost 34 years ago and my ex is still head first in his addiction. i honestly cant believe he is still alive.
Now...looking back...do i think anything would have been different?

quetzal

Hey Lesliej what do you mean " two intensive inpatient sessions " I think I may need something like this as I am struggling so much with my co-dependency and feel I need more help.

lesliej

I feel really fortunate that I was able to attend these inpatient sessions!

One was at The Retreat here in Minnesota, when my ex went into treatment there they offer a weekend al anon retreat for a family member. I would think that there are probably many treatment centers that offer such a thing? google?

The other, very intense...very "productive" one was a 4.5 day stay at the Caron Foundation. I think it was nightline that did an episode on it? This one was a deep core issue exploration into family systems and formation. I discovered there some really informative things about how I find love and how I operate in relationship. Their take on it is that you can KNOW all this stuff...but when you go into a therapy modality that has you RE-EXPERIENCE the system and "see" what happened, how it affected... then you can actually change it!! The improvement in my boundaries...in owning my truth...the improvement was/is remarkable.

So fortunate as to have experienced these.
Pia Melody and Melodie Beatty offer invaluable insight as well!

lesliej

Breakthrough at Caron Featured on NBC's Dateline | Caron Drug & Alcohol Treatment Centers

quetzal

Thank you Lesliej, I find that all the information that I am getting helps me so much more. The crying and sadness I know needs to come, but having the knowledge has helped my really try to understand what I was and am responsible for. WHat scares me the most is when I am put into these scenarios in the future, will I be able to stand my ground and not aloow myself to be pushed. I'm pretty sure I won;t but I do fin that I yearn for more classes or support groups. Thanks

kj3880

I don't know if you want to hear the opinion of a 47-year-old female, college educated, well-employed, single-mom addict and codependent (lucky me!) with almost 4 years clean off of all alcohol and drugs or not. If you don't want to hear it, just skip my post. My feelings won't be hurt. I'm here to reach out, but I'm fine if you don't want my help! Some codependent partners are so burned by "their" addict that they don't want anything to do with any of us!

I also had an opiate addiction, so I'm familiar with it. I can tell you this: You did not Cause your husbands's addiction, you cannot Control it, and you will not Cure it. Those are the 3 c's of codependency. I strongly recommend you pick up Melodie Beatty's excellent book, "Codependent No More." It will save your sanity!

I've got to tell you, I've never seen anyone recover from addiction without having the company and support of other addicts. We addicts can help each other when nobody else can. We alone can do step work together. Your husband would benefit greatly from a supportive recovering addict as a sponsor. He also needs a whole network of them to support not using right now and in the future. No, you don't have to mix with us if you don't want to. A lot of the spouses don't come to the meetings and functions. But some do. Clean Addicts who've worked their 12-steps and stay in the spiritual process of active recovery are excellent company. I strongly recommend that you get to know some of us before you decide. I'm always available if you have any questions. Or not, as you wish!