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Old 01-04-2012, 09:31 AM
  # 21 (permalink)  
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It is very possible that he was a weekend warrier all along, sustaining the fantasy that he could control the beast until it once again, controlled him. Addiction refuses to compete. Addiction demands your husband to protect and sustain it at all and any costs. You don't know the truth. He probably does not know the truth.

How easily your child could have found what you did and injested it. Does your life plan include the potential for the ER pumping your baby's stomach, brain damage or worse?

Rehab does not cure addiction. At the very best, a rehab can teach the tools of recovery. It's up to the addict to use those tools or not. It's a fact that most former rehab guests relapse. Your husband did and did so despite pending charges, a business and a family.

Only thing certain is that he was not using at your or the baby. Addiction is not personal. It just feels that way to the people who get in its way.

You did not cause this. You cannot control this. You cannot cure this.

You can however protect your child, whatever it takes.
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Old 01-04-2012, 10:09 AM
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Originally Posted by WhereDidHeGo View Post
It's totally insane right? He hasn't been alone with her since I found out about his relapse. Putting my daughter in danger is out of control.although e bag was empty, he shouldn't be getting high in our space. I went through his things tonight and found needles among other things. My gut is telling me to just get rid of it and not confront him while in treatment. It's just difficult for me to detach bc I know this isn't him. I know who he is capable of being.
But this is him. We want to hang on to the fantasy of who our loved ones are capable of being, but that's not reality. Since he injects you might want to get tested for Hepatitis B, C and HIV if you haven't already. No way to know for sure if he shared needles in the past.
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Old 01-04-2012, 10:15 AM
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Originally Posted by cynical one View Post
Physical abuse is a deal breaker. But, heroin in a 2 ½ year olds bathroom…next time she could be dead…sorry, that’s not something I could forget, forgive, or ever get past. Addicts don’t do that…sociopaths do.
I am not as experienced at recovery as Cynical or Anvil or Outtolunch. Looking back I wish I took their advice. With that being said...heroin in a 2 1/2 year olds bathroom...he needs to work on his recovery and you need to work on your own recovery. Once he has been clean for a length of time and you have worked your recovery then make a decision on what to do with an "us". What to expect? Expect nothing this way you are not disappointed. Concentrate on you and your child.
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Old 01-04-2012, 10:43 AM
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Originally Posted by KuanYin View Post
But this is him. We want to hang on to the fantasy of who our loved ones are capable of being, but that's not reality. Since he injects you might want to get tested for Hepatitis B, C and HIV if you haven't already. No way to know for sure if he shared needles in the past.
He is an addict doing what addicts do and so lost in his addiction that the safety and welfare of anyone else doees not matter. This is the reality of who he is which is way different than the hopeful fantasy of who you want or need him to be.
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Old 01-04-2012, 10:59 AM
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You should not under any circumstances move past that anger. You have EVERY right to be angry. What would have happened if your child got a hold of that heroin?!? Personally...I would take that anger straight to a lawyer and get custody. What are you teaching her and what does she have to gain from being around someone like him? Yes...being a single mother is hard...but I actually have found it MUCH easier to be a single mom than being in a two parent household with an addict. I found one of the most powerful things for me was to read what growing up with an active addict can do to children.
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Old 01-04-2012, 08:31 PM
  # 26 (permalink)  
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Well I have had some time to let things sit and have spoken to my family as well as his, figuring out a plan for me to stay away from him as he gets out of rehab on Monday. He will not be coming home, I cannot risk my daughter safety. I will say, I don't agree with him going to a sober living bc of he new connections and companionships created with other addicts, and his parents support me on that. He will be staying with them, and attending IOP four days a week. If he doesn't follow treatment plans, he will be forced to leave. More importantly, his family is going to help me take care of my bills in our family home until my lease is up in April. At that time, I will move myself and my daughter into my parents home, making it easier to go to school and work. I want to be a family, but I want myself and my daughter to be alive even more. I will get through this, and I can only hope my AH gets well enough to have a relationship with his daughter again one day.
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Old 01-04-2012, 08:35 PM
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I will also say I don't think it I'd impossible for him to overcome his demons. With the exception of the past few months, he has been a loving a supportive husband, and an even better father. I am not giving up on him, but focusing on myself.
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Old 01-04-2012, 08:40 PM
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((((WhereDidHeGo))))
your decisions show a lot of strength, and your expression even seems somewhat calm
I am so glad that you are communicating with the circle involved and that you are all finding agreement for yourselves and your decisions and so glad, as well, that you are finding help and support with them.
your strength and calm and circle of support will help to carry you through the pain of this experience. I know that I needed my anger to help me be aware of how badly my boundaries had been crossed, and anger can certainly be healthy. eventually the anger subsides a little and the more healing calm fills in. I pray that you experience as much calm as possible. Hugs to you and prayers. you are so not alone.

each of us is a voice, a person dealing with pain...seeking peace and understanding and love. recovery works...and I am speaking to you about your recovery from having to deal with this in your life. I hope you continue to find all the support that you need. you are already an inspiration.
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Old 01-08-2012, 07:15 AM
  # 29 (permalink)  
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How you think his recovery should go and what steps you feel he should or shouldn’t take is how you think. You might want to keep those thoughts and opinions to yourself and plan out your own recovery which is much more important now rather than plan out his…

When I read what you wrote about the “connections” all I could think of was look he didn’t even relapse and she is making the excuse as to who’s’ fault it will be…

There was nothing wrong with him going to a sober living place….I am not a big proponent of adult children going home so mommy can take care of them.

Welcome to the real world where people must take responsibility for their own actions and the situations they put themselves in…oh and in case you didn’t know drugs are everywhere….if he wants to use he will use, that simple, being in a sober living home will not up those chances, he can find connections in iop, in meetings, in his own neighborhood, at work…
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Old 01-08-2012, 08:51 AM
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To each thier own, and everyone is entitled to their opinion. I have heard people here tell me that I should basically let him go and live on the street, but he is my husband, and regardless of what others tell me, it IS my responsibility to try and help him. I took a vow to be there for him under the watch of God, and if addiction truly is a disease, it is not somehting he should go at alone. No one said his parents are going to baby him either, I just want to see if he is serious about recovery before bringing him around our child.I am strong enough to move past this if I have to, but for now, I am going to do all that I can to support him, as long as we are staying safe in the process. The more time I spend here, the more I am starting to feel like those who have been successful in recovery stay away from the message boards.
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Old 01-08-2012, 10:40 AM
  # 31 (permalink)  
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Dear,
You wrote: "I live with a stranger."
and "He hit me."

We know how much danger you are in and we fight for you and your daughter with our experience.

Recovering addicts who really walk the walk will advise you to step away from him until he has a full year of solid sobriety.

You can love him and wait for him from an emotional and a physical distance. You do not have to put your daughter at risk and you do not have to be hit again. You can place him in the hands of the only people who can help him: addiction specialists.

It's okay to be sensitive about the hard words here. I was. And in my naivete about how deadly and cunning addiction really is, I was absolutely unequipped to be the partner of an addict, recovering or otherwise.

Truly, if ever you want support, please do always talk to recovering codependents here, or in meetings, for we do understand how strong your love is. We just know that usually the spouse becomes an enabler, and hard as it is for you to imagine, enablers can hasten an addict to his death. And enablers and their children can go down, too.

This is a very very dangerous disease for the family. Please always stay connected to people in recovery.

Much love to you.

Last edited by EnglishGarden; 01-08-2012 at 10:42 AM. Reason: spelling
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Old 01-08-2012, 12:13 PM
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I said nothing about leaving, what I did say is this is his recovery, he needs to run it and his way. It is important that he is seen as capable of making decisions that effect his life, that he make them for him and him alone cause if he doesn’t his chances lessen big time.

I also did not suggest in any way for you to not support him…but I would suggest understanding healthy and non healthy ways to support and also understand that support is one thing, helping, well you can’t help him.

And I did say to work on you and make your own recovery plan…

Trust me when I say if you want this relationship to have a chance you will have to work your end and allow him to work his…it is that simple.

So are you worth it?

Some of the things I have learned:
We never get the answers we want only those we need which we tend to miss...
We find none looking through the eyes of the addict in our lives, only through our own.
We alone are the only one who holds the key to our endless possibilities.
The lies told to us are nothing compared to the ones we tell ourselves.
The motives to our actions are the ones that need to be looked at.
Our motives for making decisions should have nothing to do with anything but our own well being and the well being of our children.
All choices made in hopes that they will get it, be less likely to relapse, be safer are just choices made out of fear.
The posts that **** you off the most are usually the ones you need to pay the closest attention to.
Just because addiction is a disease it does not mean that those suffering from it are helpless, sick, pitiful and incapable and need to be saved.
Oh and the took a vow under the watch of god… the second your husband hit you, god wept.

Stay safe.
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Old 01-08-2012, 04:17 PM
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. The more time I spend here, the more I am starting to feel like those who have been successful in recovery stay away from the message boards.

Oh honey that's not true. I remember when I learned about my husband's addiction, I was certain that my love and comittment to our marriage would help him stop using. It didn't. He had 3 significant relapses in our 10 year relationship. The last one took his life. And I remember after the second relapse, just wanting SO BAD for everything to be ok; for it to go back to where he was working and we were visiting family and going out to dinner and having fun. But I could not make that happen. Nothing I ever said or did stopped him from using drugs.
Of course your husband can stop. People can get clean and stay in recovery for the rest of their lives. You have to take care of you and your daughter. Let him take care of him.
The people who have responded to your post have been where you are. Its hard to listen to, I know. The truth is so hard to hear. But trust me, its the truth.
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Old 01-08-2012, 04:41 PM
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I am so sorry WDHG I can't imagine your pain. I have gone through a really tough time recently. I would recommend listening to Melody Beattie - Co - Dependent No More. This has gotten me through the worst month I think I've ever had. It was like she let me breath a bit and said things that my brain would not allow me to think or say. You will make it through this. He will always regret what he has done, but you need to just take care of yourself and the baby. I am sending good vibes your way...
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Old 01-08-2012, 04:48 PM
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"The more time I spend here, the more I am starting to feel like those who have been successful in recovery stay away from the message boards."

++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++ +++

I have read many things on this board that I have not agreed with, however, the above statement tops them all for me!

IMHO,recovery from both addiction and codependency require a support system, to me, this forum was a life line for me...without the support, guidance and direction of the members on this site I would not have recovered from codependency....to all the posters here, I say......
Thank you.

I hope that all your dreams come true, sending my best wishes your way....Dolly
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Old 01-08-2012, 06:23 PM
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I just wanted to say I am sorry for what you are going through. I met my boyfriend when he was 10 mos ino his recovery and we started seriously dating after a month. He has now been clean a little over 18 months. He living in a sober living environment and attends IOP 3 nights a week as well as 3 NA meetings a week and an individual counseling session a week. He drug of choice was heroin. He tells me often of people getting kicked out of his house as well as iop (weekly) for having dirty urines. I know that the possiblity of him having a relapse is high, but I can't let that fear keep me from supporting him an havig him as an active part of my life and my sons. If your husband is serious about his recovery then he can do it. He actually does need regular interaction with other addicts in recovery regularly because they can help him understand things that you or I can't since we are not in recovery. I believe you should support your husband as he needs your love and support, but I also believe that you should try (even though I know its hard for me sometimes) to allow him to make is own choices on how to work his recovery. FOr me I don't see an addict in recovery when I look at my boyfriend even though I know he is, I see a wonderful loving man and I think in some way that actully helps him as he doesn't feel me judging him or scrutinizing his every move or decision. Protect yourself and your daughter first then love and support your husband. It can work.

Good luck and I am here if you need to talk or vent.
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Old 01-08-2012, 07:02 PM
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I am glad to hear that he is not coming straight back to your house. It also sounds like you have a good plan in place as to what you will do so that you can complete your education and take care of your daughter.

In terms of recovery from codependency, it is a process. It's not like you wake up one day and everything is fixed. This website and the books I've read have helped me with my interactions with the people in my life (including the addicts and recovering addicts). It has helped me learn about things like acceptance, forgiveness, boundaries, and letting go.

It is a tool that I use. There are other tools that I use to help me in my life--including the support of my psychiatrist, regular exercise, eating regular meals, and balancing my work/school responsibilities.
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Old 01-08-2012, 07:11 PM
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I have been successful in recovery for 5 years and 51 weeks.
I am feeling better and better in recovery with my codependent tendencies every week.
I have been coming to this site for a month now.
My beautiful ABF (currently "ex") is in the grip of drug addiction.
His last relapse made me ask him to leave.
I can see how the last relapse happened, I am in recovery, I am surrounded by an awesome recovery community, I am super well researched, I have a sponsor, I have a therapist. Believe me I am immmmmmmersed in recovery, and it is successful!

My ABF (ex for now..) is living in a great sober house, he has a new sponsor that has an excellent reputation, he has started going back to his therapist...and more.

Our contact? A few loving and supportive texts here and there. We have visited online meetings together (how's that for contact) and some letters back and forth. When the truth about using/relapse comes out it is never pretty. There is a huge amount of pain, blame, shame, fighting, talking, debating, etc etc. Then it subsides and we all just want things back to normal. The pain disappears. (How else would a woman EVER have another child after childbirth?!)

But this particular pain is important to remember...to learn from.
There is a saying in AA meetings..."my best thinking got me here". The first word of the 12 steps is WE. It is absolutely imperative...absolutely imperative...that WE all engage in the WE. Group consciousness...WE wisdom.

When it comes to relationships...some people stay, some people leave. Some suffer, some "succeed"...it is YOUR LIFE!!! But don't give up the WE, because once you have entered the arena of addiction and codependency all the rules have been changed. Addiction is dealing with demons and devils...make no mistake. You need support and all the wisdom you can find: for yourself. The best chance...in he//...of making it out healthy with your husband is going to be keeping an open mind to the voices here.

There are A LOT of success stories here. Part of the program, the complete cycle of success in recovery is giving it back...passing it on. Don't mistake the strength and power of conviction here as a judgment against your marriage...please. This voice is coming through the experience strength and hope of years and years and years of insight, awareness and healing.

There are A LOT of stories of life...of loss...of pain and of LOVE.
When you enter the arena of addiction...which is where you are at right now...you need to relearn some of the basic tenets of love. if you don't you can love someone to death.

That is what you will learn here. How to love. How to love a person struggling with addiction. Whether or not you stay, it is your choice, your life, your love. WE WE WE are all going to ABSOLUTELY agree on that!
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Old 01-08-2012, 07:12 PM
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I have been coming to this site for a month but I have been working a program of al anon for over a year, with two intensive inpatient sessions.
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Old 01-08-2012, 07:15 PM
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I want to be a family, but I want myself and my daughter to be alive even more. I will get through this, and I can only hope my AH gets well enough to have a relationship with his daughter again one day.
This is good to hear, you can have hope for him, but you know you have to act for you and your daughter.
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