Conflict at naranon

Old 01-02-2012, 06:27 PM
  # 1 (permalink)  
Member
Thread Starter
 
Join Date: Apr 2011
Posts: 62
Conflict at naranon

I have a weird question. I have a Naranon mtg that I go to on Thursday nights. I would really like to go one more night during the week, but my mother in law kind of "owns" those meetings. She goes to every other naranon meeting in the area. She is severely mentally ill and I suspect she goes because she wants to check up on my husband (in meetings next door) and because she has nothing else to do. Don't get me wrong, I know we should all be allowed to go and it shouldn't matter who "needs it more" but I can't share about my husband without her taking offense and him being embarrassed that his mom knows everything going on in his/our life. Do you have any thoughts about this? Should I share this with members? So far, they haven't made the connection that we are related (that I know of). Should I just stick to the
One mtg she doesn't attend and let it go?
Wife2anaddict is offline  
Old 01-02-2012, 06:43 PM
  # 2 (permalink)  
Member
 
Join Date: Nov 2011
Posts: 146
Wow, I can see your problem. They are supposed to be anonymous and if your MIL is there, you can't be anonymous. I wouldn't worry about the effect on your AH, I'd worry about yourself and what stories she might tell about what you'd say. It would definitely be inhibiting.

If there are no other meetings, and you can't expand your area to include other towns, can you try al-anon meetings? Much of it is the same, and most al-non meetings welcome people who's family members use drugs. And if that doesn't work, can you go and just sit and listen and not share--would you get anything out of that?
TiredandSpent is offline  
Old 01-02-2012, 07:07 PM
  # 3 (permalink)  
Member
 
Join Date: Jul 2007
Location: Eastern Time Zone
Posts: 1,011
Definitely do not go to the meetings your MIL goes to. The suggestion above for supplementing in Alanon meetings is a good idea. If it were me, I would not feel comfortable sharing even if I got along with my MIL.

Just my opinion.
sojourner is offline  
Old 01-02-2012, 07:26 PM
  # 4 (permalink)  
Member
Thread Starter
 
Join Date: Apr 2011
Posts: 62
Yes, there are al-anon mtgs. The problem is, I finally feel like I have a real connection to the group. I was in coda for a while, but it didn't click like this naranon mtg does. I think I'd give al-anon a try. I guess I'm just bitter that she goes.
Wife2anaddict is offline  
Old 01-03-2012, 05:11 AM
  # 5 (permalink)  
Member
 
catlovermi's Avatar
 
Join Date: Nov 2007
Posts: 1,294
What about going to those meetings, but not sharing IN them, perhaps you could develop a mini-network of support for small AFTER meetings, meetings, that don't include your MIL. Think outside the box. Many meetings have some folks go for coffee afterwards, etc. But I agree it would likely come back to harm you to share in her presence.

Sending support,

CLMI
catlovermi is offline  
Old 01-03-2012, 07:32 AM
  # 6 (permalink)  
TMZ
Member
 
Join Date: Aug 2011
Location: St. Louis, Mo. USA
Posts: 265
You can't control her nor should you allow her to control you. Go !!!

The 10th concept protects you. Also the 12th tradition!

There is no reason not to go and share if you want to. You going might get her to back off on going.

Just my opinion as a meeting leader.
TMZ is offline  
Old 01-03-2012, 07:45 AM
  # 7 (permalink)  
Member
 
Kindeyes's Avatar
 
Join Date: Dec 2007
Location: The Jungle
Posts: 5,435
That's a tough one. Since MIL goes to several meetings in the area, would it be possible to negotiate one meeting that she doesn't go to?

Many of us know people in the meetings through outside sources. I am a business owner in my community. People know me. I simply can't worry (or control) what they take out of a meeting and share with others. I hope that they don't but I cannot control it.

In meetings, I am not sharing about the antics of the addict in my life. I am sharing what I am learning about myself. I am trying to understand how I need to change myself not how I can impact change in the life of the addict. I am looking inward and realizing that my behaviors are what are causing my misery--not necesarily the behaviors of the addict--its my reaction to their behaviors.

Often, in meetings, particularly in the Nar-Anon meeting I go to, members are sharing the antics of their addicts--sometimes almost a "my addict is worse than your addict" contest. I have to remind myself not to participate in that manner and share my thoughts on how I AM growing and changing and how that applies to or is aided by the NarAnon 12 Steps. The meetings are really about us......not about the addict.

It's sad that we sometimes are unable to attend a meeting because of the attendance/behavior of others in the meeting. I also go to AlAnon meetings in addition to the NarAnon and find them very effective as well.

There are also online meetings that you may explore. I loved the suggestion of making friends within the NarAnon group and exploring things outside of the normal meeting. Perhaps finding a sponsor within the group may be a thought?

gentle hugs
ke
Kindeyes is offline  
Old 01-03-2012, 08:44 AM
  # 8 (permalink)  
Member
Thread Starter
 
Join Date: Apr 2011
Posts: 62
Thank you, my friends.

Well, I certainly don't want to engage in any "my addict/my life is worse than yours". But, as a sort of newbie, my sharing usually consists of how someone w/ E, S and H may have shared about how the program has helped them and I usually follow by sharing with how I NEED to do more letting go, more "is it THAT important?", less expectations, in GOD's time, etc. So inevitably, I am including how I sometimes I still try to control my AH's life by______ or________. Or, how I should not have reacted to his ____________and ___________.

So even though I'm not trying to "give the scoop" on my RAH, or cut him down, there's still stuff that I am not comfortable with her hearing about me/him/us. She has already made it clear that his addiction is my fault, I don't deserve him, he deserves better, etc. I don't need her having another reason to support her feelings. I have connected with the members outside of the rooms. I am thinking that at some point, I will be able to express my feelings on the matter to a sponsor and she can give me some direction. In the meantime, I think I'll continue w/ my Thursday meeting, make phone calls, post here, continue step work, until I find it's appropriate to share the matter w/ my sponsor (who I don't have yet)

Thanks for letting me share!!
Wife2anaddict is offline  

Currently Active Users Viewing this Thread: 1 (0 members and 1 guests)
 
Posting Rules
You may not post new threads
You may not post replies
You may not post attachments
You may not edit your posts

BB code is On
Smilies are On
[IMG] code is On
HTML code is Off
Trackbacks are On
Pingbacks are On
Refbacks are Off




All times are GMT -7. The time now is 10:18 AM.