Jcash2319

Well it has been a while since I posted on this site and it has been a while since I have been to a Alonon meeting but I will be going to one the first chance I get. Well my wife who has struggled with addiction to just about all substances has decided that she is going to start drinking socially again. Over the past 5 years we have been to just about every every rehab locally and not local that you can think of. This is the first Christmas that she has been around in the past 3 years. Things were looking like they were going pretty good then she decided that she was able and was going to start drinking occasionally. Well I have been to enough family weeks at rehabs to know that this just does not work. We have 2 children my 7 year old daughter has been to the Betty ford 5 star kids program so she knows about her mothers addiction problem. And my son who is just 2. I know that I am not able to control her from drinking but I sat down with her and explained my worries and concerns about her thinking she can manage her addiction again. This is not the first time that she has tried this. I told her that if she chooses to drink that is her decision but I will not take part in it. I will not drink a beer or a glass of wine with her. I will not enable her. I told her that I am all for being more social and going out and doing things with friends but if she is if she is planning on drinking any alcohol that I will just stay at home with the kids. I think she is mad at me because I won't drink a beer with her on ocasions. But over the past 6 years I have figured out that is how it starts just with a beer every now and then. Then it goes to she's going to smoke pot every now and then. Then its the pills the. It's coke then its heroin. Just not going to start down that road with her again. My question is I tell her that I won't drink with her or be around her when she is planning on drinking but when she still goes out and drinks I have a hard time just being myself and staying in a good Mood when she gets home. I kind of shut down and put up a wall and I'm sure I seem like I am pissed off and which I am because she still goes out and drinks. Although so far it has only been a glass of wine or 2 but to me all I can see is its just a matter of time before it starts down that road to we're it leads to other things. I am going to try and make a meeting today if possible.

lesliej

It almost seems like your wife is stating that drinking and being social are inseparable activities? This is the logic of an alcoholic in relapse. Claiming entitlement to a destructive element.

I have been in recovery from alcoholism for almost six years. "Going social" has its own demands in recovery but it is quite navigable and enjoyable when done with a program. There are so many reasons NOT to drink, the first being that an alcoholic/addict is powerless and life becomes unmanageable. I would ask your wife, as another person in recovery, what one single reason is there to drink.

There isn't a single viable "excuse" to drink...what is at stake in the balance is her sobriety...and as an alcoholic sobriety means LIFE. the one reason to use a substance is to alter ones sense of SELF, to escape life.

I am so sorry that you are facing the very likely, most probable, already in action, spiral road. Glad you are heading to a meeting. Can you find some therapy as well?

When one is an alcoholic/addict a "glass of wine or two", or a "beer" is nothing short of poison. There is no reason in the world to "enjoy" poison.

Praying for you.

outtolunch

Alcohol is the gateway and she's crossed the line, once again.

What are you prepared to do differently, this time to preserve your own sanity and safety of your children?

Jcash2319

As of right now my plan is just to stand strong to what I set up my boundaries when we were at the last rehab. I said that if she planned to drink or started drinking again that I would not drink with her or attend any where with her that she planned on drinking. Really not much else I can do. Until it escalates into drug use or excessive drinking which if history repeats it will lead her back to that. It's just a matter on how long it will take for it to go there. She is 28 years old and if she wants to have a beer every once and awhile there is really nothing that I can do other than what I'm planning on doIng. I went to a meeting today on my lunch and met a couple that are both recovering addicts and they have children that are using drugs and that is why they were at a Alonon meeting and they were very nice to talk to. I to struggled with substance abuse before my daughter was born but I was able to stop cold turkey it was a process but I was able to put it down. I'm just going to hold my boundaries and not move them and wait for sh&t to hit the fan then I will do what I have to do and set new boundaries and then stick to them. Thank yawl for all the support that everyone gives. This site is awesome

Heartbroken0608

I'm sorry you're going through this. I'd suggest you think about how waiting for the "$hit to hit the fan" could affect your two young children. they deserve to be protected at all costs and that may mean setting firmer boundaries for their sake before things spiral out of control.

outtolunch

Here's an example of a consistent boundary :

"Neither I or my children will live with someone in active addiction" is a boundary. When confronted with an active addict in residence, we remove ourselves and children from the situation. Either the addict leaves or my children and I leave is how to enforce such a boundary.

You are the only responsible parent these kids have, right now. Putting them, their needs, first comes before your own.

You know you cannot control her choices or fix her. You can however, protect your children from the day to day and long haul effects of addiction.

Kindeyes

One day at a time.....time will reveal more.

I'm one who always wants to predict an outcome. And of course, when there is a long history of behavior, it's very hard not to do just that.

I have to remind myself constantly that "doing the same thing over and over expecting a different result is the definition of insantiy". I'm tired of being "insane" so I'm doing a lot of things that I never thought I'd have the strength, commitment or courage to do. But it took me a long time to get here.

Take care of you. Take care of those little ones. The rest will fall into place.

gentle hugs
ke

bless5

This is wonderful advice! I couldn't have said it better myself. Not drinking with her does not protect the children. Even if she doesn't drink at home, she can still come home under the influence. Please don't subject your children to this.