New here...need advice..it's long...and I
Member
Join Date: Dec 2011
Location: Another Earth
Posts: 172
Oh Kelley 
I was exactly where you were 7 years ago, that is right - 7 and guess where I am today?? The road has been long and I am not ready to tell my full story yet, but I feel as if my whole life...my family, my kids, my very being was chewed up and then I was spat out. My ABF had stretches of not using, the longest being 9 months and he did go to AA, but I suppose it was not fully embraced. I finally had to ask him to leave our home. I was not sure what was going to happen next, I just knew I could not take living the way I was anymore. It is still new, only about 7 weeks. What has helped me is going to Al Anon meetings, reading as much material as I can (I highly recommend Codependent No More by Melody Beattie) and the SR boards have been a God send. I have been pouring through all these posts, both past and present and they have inspired and helped me a great deal. Take care of YOU. It has been very difficult letting go of the outcome and not obsessing about him all the time, but the more you use the tools to take care of yourself, all of the sudden you notice you are having more good moments than bad and then you notice you're having more good days, than bad. That is where I am at now. I have truly had the revelation that I am POWERLESS over him and his addiction and it is very freeing. You will get there and you are not alone.
I was exactly where you were 7 years ago, that is right - 7 and guess where I am today?? The road has been long and I am not ready to tell my full story yet, but I feel as if my whole life...my family, my kids, my very being was chewed up and then I was spat out. My ABF had stretches of not using, the longest being 9 months and he did go to AA, but I suppose it was not fully embraced. I finally had to ask him to leave our home. I was not sure what was going to happen next, I just knew I could not take living the way I was anymore. It is still new, only about 7 weeks. What has helped me is going to Al Anon meetings, reading as much material as I can (I highly recommend Codependent No More by Melody Beattie) and the SR boards have been a God send. I have been pouring through all these posts, both past and present and they have inspired and helped me a great deal. Take care of YOU. It has been very difficult letting go of the outcome and not obsessing about him all the time, but the more you use the tools to take care of yourself, all of the sudden you notice you are having more good moments than bad and then you notice you're having more good days, than bad. That is where I am at now. I have truly had the revelation that I am POWERLESS over him and his addiction and it is very freeing. You will get there and you are not alone.
Member
Join Date: May 2009
Location: Land of Cotton
Posts: 3,433
Originally Posted by KelleyF 
And I have to say...I keep thinking about this quote by anvilhead:
i fail to see why a grown man who was able to get himself to the bar and find a female connection with a lotta cocaine suddenly needs an escort to go to the DOCTOR???
This I am going to be thinking about while I am sitting there in the waiting room.
i fail to see why a grown man who was able to get himself to the bar and find a female connection with a lotta cocaine suddenly needs an escort to go to the DOCTOR???
This I am going to be thinking about while I am sitting there in the waiting room.
Member
Join Date: Dec 2003
Location: twilight zone,usa
Posts: 3,909
kelley, this is alot to asorb. i know this hurts you so bad. i am just glad you are able to hear what everybody is saying. they all are showing u a different way of looking at things & thinking a different way. lots to learn.. stick with us.. hugs & prayers,
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Jan 2012
Posts: 445
Originally Posted by SuzyMarie
Oh Kelley I was exactly where you were 7 years ago, that is right - 7 and guess where I am today?? The road has been long and I am not ready to tell my full story yet, but I feel as if my whole life...my family, my kids, my very being was chewed up and then I was spat out. My ABF had stretches of not using, the longest being 9 months and he did go to AA, but I suppose it was not fully embraced. I finally had to ask him to leave our home. I was not sure what was going to happen next, I just knew I could not take living the way I was anymore. It is still new, only about 7 weeks..
I was exactly where you were 7 years ago, that is right - 7 and guess where I am today?? The road has been long and I am not ready to tell my full story yet, but I feel as if my whole life...my family, my kids, my very being was chewed up and then I was spat out. My ABF had stretches of not using, the longest being 9 months and he did go to AA, but I suppose it was not fully embraced. I finally had to ask him to leave our home. I was not sure what was going to happen next, I just knew I could not take living the way I was anymore. It is still new, only about 7 weeks..Thank you for your post. I am so sorry for all that you are going through. You sound very strong but regardless its soo difficult to heal the heart after something like that happens.
Im fortunate that I dont have the added responsibility of having children. I just cant imagine the pain when you have a "family" involved in addiction.
I read so much here on SR and in my head I know that I should just walk away and wish my BF the best. It will hurt for a while but I will get over it.
But the stupid heart......it wants what it wants.....and I have the burdon of being an optimistic person in general; hoping for the best; not necessarily planning on it, but hoping for it.
The book - CoDependant No More - I have ordered it online a few days ago and it should be arriving really soon. Im sort of afraid of reading it, but then Im also looking forward to it.
I fit a lot of the patterns, but really I think a lot of us do in some respect. It is the extent to which we take it that can make it harmful to us.
One of my big faults is that while I dont trust easily, once I do Im loyal - like hit me with a brick and put the evidence in my face because Im not going to doubt this person that means so much to me...and then let this person explain....and I will then and only then make a decision; which will most likely give them a second chance. That totally makes me codependant I know. Like i said Im looking forward to the book. But in my defense ---once I lose that trust in someone; I can walk and not look back. Its the getting there that kills.
Thank you again for sharing your story - whenever you want to tell more Im here to listen. This site has helped me a lot so far; hearing others experiences...makes me feel not so alone in this.
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Jan 2012
Posts: 445
Well sometimes there is a thin line between laughing and crying
And to be honest....although i have been eating an extreme amount of chocolate...I think my mood has improved because of recent interactions and events with ABF ...which I'm trying to muster the courage to explore in the safety of this forum. And yes I realize that having my mood improve based on HIM is a codependent quality. And yes, it troubles me.
And to be honest....although i have been eating an extreme amount of chocolate...I think my mood has improved because of recent interactions and events with ABF ...which I'm trying to muster the courage to explore in the safety of this forum. And yes I realize that having my mood improve based on HIM is a codependent quality. And yes, it troubles me.
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Jan 2012
Posts: 445
Originally Posted by Hanna
It is such a blessing that you were there and that you found him and got him to the hospital.
I think if you truly care about this man, you will take about 3 steps back now. You met him when he was 6 weeks clean, and that was just 9 months ago. He repeatedly told you he wasn't ready for a relationship, that he needed to work on himself and his life. You ignored that and convinced yourself he needed you. After nearly dying he again asked you to back off, and you seem to be convincing yourself that he's saying that out of care and concern for you, rather than his very real need to focus on himself and try to get better.
What everyone here is telling you is true true true, but what is also true is that you have ignored his wishes from day one and continue to try and make his situation about you and it just isn't. Your need and desire for a romantic relationship just can't come ahead of someone else's life threatening addiction.
Al-Anon or Nar-Anon meetings will help you grasp things better, but meanwhile please consider giving this man you say you love room and space to breathe and believe him when he says he is not equipped at this moment in his life to be in a relationship. When he says it, he means it; it's not some kind of secret code.
Again, it's a blessing you were there to find him.
I think if you truly care about this man, you will take about 3 steps back now. You met him when he was 6 weeks clean, and that was just 9 months ago. He repeatedly told you he wasn't ready for a relationship, that he needed to work on himself and his life. You ignored that and convinced yourself he needed you. After nearly dying he again asked you to back off, and you seem to be convincing yourself that he's saying that out of care and concern for you, rather than his very real need to focus on himself and try to get better.
What everyone here is telling you is true true true, but what is also true is that you have ignored his wishes from day one and continue to try and make his situation about you and it just isn't. Your need and desire for a romantic relationship just can't come ahead of someone else's life threatening addiction.
Al-Anon or Nar-Anon meetings will help you grasp things better, but meanwhile please consider giving this man you say you love room and space to breathe and believe him when he says he is not equipped at this moment in his life to be in a relationship. When he says it, he means it; it's not some kind of secret code.
Again, it's a blessing you were there to find him.
I have to stop feeling guilty; like if it wasnt for me he would have been in some zen like atmosphere dealing with his recovery, or hanging out with an ex-addict who better understood him and could have somehow prevented the od.
I was ignorant to the addiction and recovery process....because I didnt know there was a process; I thought if you said you quit; you quit. ... and presto now your an non-addict again. Maybe if Id been a recovering addict myself I would have know he needed a year ....at minimum.... before he could have a romantic relationship, but Im not and I didnt know. I cant blame myself for this.
Currently Active Users Viewing this Thread: 1 (0 members and 1 guests)
