TiredandSpent

So as peace settles in our house and we turn forward, I made the policy that he's 22 and able to take care of himself (whether he does or not, he's able), and I would assume he's managing fine somehow unless I heard otherwise. It works for me.

So this morning I get a call from one of his friends. The friend basically tells me that AS feels that I favored the other kids and when his little brother, the one he spit on, was stealing from him, I did nothing about it.

Okay, wait. The 'stealing' that little brother (LB) did to AS was over a PSIII cord. I have no idea whose cord it was, but we have 2 PSIIIs and only one cord and they were stealing it back and forth from each other. What are they, 2? I told him to buy himself another cord and I would put a lock on his door and then nothing more could be stolen. AS didn't like that solution, so I figured he just wanted to be a victim and wouldn't listen to the complaints any more. Eventually LB took the cord to a friend's house and left it there and AS whined about it constantly and I kept saying buy a new one and I'll put a lock on your door, and that's the story.

So this kid, a friend of AS then says that AS's theory is that I always have to be running everyone out of my life and he's just the newest victim. It was nothing he did, but running people of my life is my hobby and it will probably be another brother next and AS is 'worried' about me.

Oh please. I divorced in 94, Divorced in 2009, and had this blow out with AS, and that's it. I told well meaning friend that AS was thrown out for breaking and entering and trashing my house, for continual pot use, for stealing $60, for spitting on his brother, knocking me to the floor, and for slapping my hand. Friend said, "I didn't know that." Well of course not.

I told friend that it was more complicated than he knew and it wasn't something he wanted to get involved in, that he was 21 and busy with his own life and really there was nothing he could do. Friend is at his first year at West Point, so I asked questions about that and got him off the phone after wishing him well.

I was irritated. I'm not sure why. It's not that AS is bad mouthing me or coming up with excuses and lies, that's to be expected and pretty much all he has to survive on right now. I don't begrudge him that, I just don't want to hear it.

Then in the afternoon, my middle son's ex girlfriend who used to go to school with AS dropped by to give a gift basket and told me that she'd seen AS on Facebook and he's spent his birthday at another friend's house and was staying there.

This is too much information. I don't want to know it. I don't know why. But it upset me. This is a household with a husband and wife and 3 daughters and AS is friends with the oldest daughter. This father last summer gave AS about $400 to set up a new life, get an apt and utilities when I threw him out back then, and instead AS broke into my house when I was out of town and trashed it (altho not as bad as this time). I was irrate with this man back then because I came home to a house REEKING with pot and my car REEKING with pot purchased by that $400.

I explained to him what happened to his $400, and threw AS out of the house. This man said he didn't want to get involved. AS wandered around and got kicked out of a couple other people's houses (parents mostly catch on that he's not trying too hard to get his life together), then showed up about 2 weeks later in my front yard at 530 am begging to come home, hungry and dirty, making every promise in the book. This man's wife didn't want AS there and his daughters go to college out of town, so after giving him a lot of partying money, they threw him out. But they offered to give AS their old car when they got their daughter a new one, but that never happened. Maybe they found out AS doesn't have a valid license, can't afford insurance or transfer fees, I don't know, but it didn't happen and AS avoided them for about 3 months.

So AS is there now, and when the girls go back to college next week, AS will likely be thrown out (the wife doesn't like AS). Maybe he'll go with the girls and bum around the college town--or maybe he'll show up on my doorstep. The girls' mother won't want him going up in their car and their dorm won't let him couch surf, so his free ride will come to an end.

Now, this is pretty much happening exactly as I thought it would. I assumed AS would work up a pitiful story of mommy dysfunction and misery to get sympathy housing and refuge. So the facts are exactly as I would have predicted. No surprise, no feeling of betrayal.

But this knowledge has me agitated. I don't want to know. I don't want to discuss him with people. I am both annoyed that he's been temporarily rescued and relieved that he has been. It's to my benefit that he's with these people, he's not hanging around here. I don't care what they think of me, I've never met them. I have to steel myself for the reappearance of AS in my front yard if they leave him behind when they go back to school, but I have always known all along that the possibility of him coming back was high when school started again. I don't understand why I'm agitated about hearing this not-unexpected news.

I think maybe I'm just burned out on AS; I've been thinking and worrying about him for so long and yesterday I actually managed to go long periods of being AS-free. It was nice. But short lived.

I'm asking people not to tell me about AS as it comes up. It came up a lot today. Monday I have my next counseling session, and my alanon group meets in the evening. I'm looking forward to it.

Except for here, counseling and meetings, I just don't want to talk about AS, unless my other 3 kids have something to say. I don't mind talking to them about AS. But they aren't bringing him up except for middle son who said everybody thinks you did the right thing to throw him out, everyone understands (this was said after the ex girlfriend left).

Has anyone else just felt burned out on their A and just wanted not to have him brought to their attention for a long while?

Ann

I felt that way too. Most people were well meaning and others just gossips, but I found that if I refused to listen, they stopped bringing me "news".

"I'm sorry but I need to let him live his own life without my interference"

"It's too painful to discuss, thank you for understanding."

"Not now please, I need to worry less."

These were all lines that worked for me, and if they persisted I walked away.

I no longer had to justify my actions or his...I just let go and didn't allow it to be up for discussion or debate.

I hope you find peace. Eventually, I did. Meetings helped more than anything.

Hugs

bluebelle

Ann's suggestions all sound really good. These are all things out of your control. Your son will do what he's going to do. Some people will go along with him. They will believe his stories and attempt to rescue him. People will let them stay on their couches or whatever for awhile. Does it help you to pray for him? Sometimes, I just pray for God to bless my mom & even my dad. I say for God to bless my step-daughters. I believe that somehow it works. If nothing else, it helps me realize that I am not in control of their destinies. They make choices which are out of my hands.

Sunshine2

Yes, I felt totally burnt out and had no contact whatsoever for a year.

I have to smile at the stories your AS so tells about you. "So this kid, a friend of AS then says that AS's theory is that I always have to be running everyone out of my life and he's just the newest victim." My son's friend told me this one night after I threw them out at 1 am when my son was still living here. I knew this must be what my son told him. My son also predicted I would do the same with his younger brother. So far, so good.

I think Ann has some very good suggestions. It worked best for me to say enough of all the drama and to withdraw from it. The well-meaning people have to understand that you want peace and don't want to get caught up in long-distance drama either.

outtolunch

Yep, he's playing victim and not taking responsibility for himself. What else is new?

Since you know with reasonable certainty that he's going to show up at your door with all the promises you want to hear, what are you going to do different this time?

TiredandSpent

Well meaning friend number 1 stopped by unannounced a while ago to pick up AS's stuff. I told him it wasn't ready, and that AS had been told in June he was to move out in December and in addition AS had had the entire week after he broke into my house to organize and move out his stuff. I said my shoulder still hurt from when he pushed me to the ground and I would get around to collecting it, when I got around to it; a lack of planning on his part did not constitute an emergency on mine and since he dragged his feet about it for six months he couldn't expect me to move any faster. I said when it was ready I would text him and he could tell me what he wanted done with it. I said probably by the end of January I'd have the room cleaned out, if not sooner, but would make no apologies if it was later. If he had a problem with it, he was welcome to file a lawsuit, but I doubted it would get his stuff any faster.

I said furthermore I was not going to deal with third parties. AS needed to make his own arrangements with me and I preferred to deal with him by text or email. Then I wished well meaning friend number one a happy new year and sent him on his way.

What will I do IF he shows up on my doorstep with promises? I will tell him I don't want to hear about it and ask him to leave. I HOPE I will have the fortitude to shut my mouth at that point and not point out that having nothing and no where to live is a logical and foreseeable consequence of not working and planning and drug use and that he burned his bridges with me and that he has the life he designed for himself. I HOPE I will not say I not interested in what he intends to do but only in want he actually accomplishes and to call me when he actually has a job that supports himself and his own place to live. I HOPE saying it here now will make it easier not to say it later to him.

I HOPE I do remember to tell him that I wish him well and have every confidence that he has the ability to dig himself out of the mess he created for himself and that one day we can have a reasonable relationship with affection and mutual respect.

But I'm fragile and unstable where he is concerned right now and I'm sure I'll say the wrong thing. However, whatever is said, I will NOT give him money, and will NOT let him in or offer solutions. I WILL give him his health insurance car, and if I have some or all of his stuff packed in bags in the shed, I'll let him get those. If I don't.... I will give him his new health insurance card. It just came in the mail last week and he's on my insurance at no extra cost to me until age 26, so he might as well have it. There are therapy and some rehab benefits and if he gets into a serious illness/accident he will have it in his wallet.

And then I will shut the door or hang up and that will be that. I might end up SAYING too much to him or the wrong thing, but I won't end up DOING too much.

tjp613

Sounds to me like he is "pinging" you.... Making contact (through others) to gauge your response. Yep, looks like he's getting a little worried. Life isn't one big party after all, eh?

pommie

I feel totally burned out from my AS. Haven't heard from him in over a month. But he goes to my mother because he knows he can get money from her. I didn't even get a thank you call from him for our Christmas present to him which my mother gave him when he came to her house the day after Christmas.

In a way I'm glad I haven't talked to him but I also feel heartbroken that things have turned out this way. He is my only child.

TiredandSpent

When I first read this I thought, naw, he just wants his stuff, and if he's pinging me, he's not going to be reassured.

But driving around tonight doing errands i drove past a lit-up carnival, and I suddenly remembered something. About 3 months ago AS spent two weeks working for a state fair in the middle of the country. This was the first time since he graduated HS he had a 40 hour a week job. He has a special talent and was filling in for a friend who had a contract with these people and had to drop out.

It was work my son had never done before and was a little bit scary. He's afraid of heights. He was a stranger and the youngest and got hazed. It was a rough crowd. He was also sore from the work and very cold all the time and got sick. I think he got walking pneumonia. He called home almost every day. Just to talk, just to check in. In fact, I talked to him more those two weeks than I'd talked to him in the last two years.

When he got back he was proud of himself for having done the work and for getting the nice pay check. I told him I was proud of him for sticking it out, and for doing something that must have scared him everytime he did it.

But he was homesick. And he didn't call his brother and he didn't call his grandmother (well, he did once or twice); he called me. Every day. It had been a strange and scary and tough world, and he was homesick and needed to touch base often.

Nothing I can do about it. I'm not addiction specialist and I can't help him. And everytime I think of him spitting, SPITTING on his brother I feel worse and worse. It's putting nausea in the bottom of my stomach to think about it. I feel sicker each day when I think of it.

Had anyone else in the world done that to my child, I would have pressed charges (it's considered assault in this jurisdiction). But I didn't because it was AS. And I'm ashamed because what does it matter who did it? I should press charges against AS for that. You don't get a free face-spitting because you 'only' spit on your brother. Except I guess in this case you do. And it's wrong of me to let him get away with it, but I know I will.

So instead of pressing charges I will deny him everything else. He got his liberty, but he won't come back. He won't get a sandwich if he shows up hungry. He won't get his stuff until I get around gathering it for him. He won't get money. He gets nothing from me.

Well...he'll get an insurance card and the suggestion he take himself to the ER if he feels like he's in crisis. That's all I have to offer.

But I'm just musing. He's esconced at his friend's father's house, and there's another week before winter break ends and he either goes to college with the other kids to mooch off them, or has to fend for himself here. A week is an eternity to AS who's never been able to plan more than a couple hours in advance. I doubt he's getting worried, I think he just wants his computer and a change of clothes and his play station. And he likes the idea and drama of sending someone else out to get it for him.

TiredandSpent

I'm slowly cleaning up around the house and I'm appalled by what I find.

I stepped on glass today. There's broken glass everywhere. I can't seem to get it all up.

And I noticed that the couch cushion smelled of urine. How do I clean that up?

And in the downstairs powder room there are short very curly dark red hairs. Pubic hairs? OMG?!!! What went on in my house?

TiredandSpent

Oh pommie, I'm so sorry. I hope you get to reclaim him some day from his addiction.

Hanna

Wow, I know you must feel like your home was totally violated. Ugh! Very upsetting.

Can you unzip the cushion cover and take it off or not? We always put kitty litter on urine (like when a kiddo wet the bed) but not sure what to do with it when it's already dry.

I'd be inclined to notify the parents of the kids you know were in your home while you were away, too but maybe that's not a good idea.

Heartbroken0608

There's a product called "natures miracle" that works amazingly for pet urine. I'd try that. Sorry...

Panda13

You have every right to feel irritated. Honestly if it was me I would have smacked him and told him to mind his own business and that he knew nothing about the situation.

Again, I'm sorry you had to go through even more bull***t especially when it's not called for. You've been in my thoughts over the holidays and hopefully something will click for him. In the meantime you're doing what you need to do for yourself. Although a lot of this crap keeps popping up for you, you're staying strong and I wish I was. Hang i there.

Peace and love

-Panda

outtolunch

Urine on the sofa brings back memories. We were out of town and my daughter broke in and she and/or her so called friends trashed the place. People had pissed on all upolstered furniture. I mean some of the furniture was heavy with it. I trashed it all.

At the time, I was not aware that she was into drugs, let alone heroin. I do know she was overwhelmed by what was going on and left the house, my house, full of strangers. At the time, I did not want to ruin her life and get the Police involved. At the time, I thought I had the power to fix her. I was so mistaken.

What I did was send her a clear message that she and her pals could do anything to my property and I was not going to involve the Police/ press charges. And so they did it again. I was a very slow learner.

PurpleWilder

Hmmm....be a shame if you had to sell his stuff to pay for the cost of replacement furniture, carpet shampooing and getting the bathroom disinfected....

TiredandSpent

I won't, because it doesn't feel right and also, his stuff is crap, and not worth anything. And it's all he has.

On my other thread when I described the blow up that led to me driving AS from the house, a couple people mentioned that the thread was triggering them with memories of having stuff thrown out on the lawn. The thread was locked before I could ask, if these were ex-addicts who were reliving when their fed up family members threw them out with their duds behind them. Or were these fed up family members reliving the awful moment when they came home and found their addict had destroyed their things?

Anyway, the house is cleared away for the most part. It's been exactly a week. I still need to wash everything down thoroughly with clorox and water and figure out what to do about the furniture. I was going to move and buy new mattresses and couches when I moved, but that's not for 12-18 months so I don't want to buy them now. However, I can't live with beer soaked beds and urine-reeking couches for another year.

I have this fantasy--and boy do I ever know that it's a fantasy--but I have this fantasy that in a year or two or ten, AS will recover, get his life in order, and reapproach me wanting a healthy relationship based on mutual respect and affection and responsibility and kindness and trust, and he won't just have words to offer, such as "I'm sorry" (which frankly I don't know if that will ever be enough, although my sponsor says give it time); but will actually DO something (he's never been good on DOING, only on promising and talking--so DOING would be a huge step forward) to show he's sorry, to make amends. Something like purchasing a maid service for a year or painting my house. Something to show he actually was sorry for trashing my house to such an extent that a week later it isn't really yet all clean.

Yes, I know it's a fantasy. But I have a couch stinking of urine about 3 feet away from me and it's a dayum pleasant fantasy. And my counselor says the next task I need to set for myself now that we feel physically safe, is to figure out the boundaries and conditions I want to put in place to resume a relationship with AS, should he show up wanting one. You know, I've been thinking about it, and I have NO CLUE.

All I know is I'm not helping him with anything but an insurance card and some garbage bags of clothes. That's not much to work with.

And a vague notion that I really in my gut don't want to have much to do with him for about two years--if he's even interested. For all I know, he'll never be and right now, I'm okay with that. It's not been bad at all having him gone. Nice actually. I feel like I ought to feel guilty for not missing him, although I'm thinking about him, but I don't feel guilty. Does anyone know what I mean. I feel more guilty that I don't have a clue as to what sort of conditions I'll deal with him again.

What are some of the boundaries and conditions you all used when you reestablished some sort of relationship with your addicts (if you have ever been able to do so successfully).

lonelystar

I for one was a mess at setting boundaries, I have not yet ,i say yet, kicked my son out of the house, when he gets back from rehab we will take it from there, im thinking down the road either a sober house or him living on his own, i do know one thing until that gets decided i will do everything to help him with his recovery within my bounds and nothing to help him abuse drugs, he will need to attend group therapy, meetings and whatever else his counselors say he needs to do . I can say that i can understand your anger with your son trashing your home like that, mine never went that far he did bring around a couple of his friends to sleep for a night or hang around but i put a stop to that asap, none of his friends are allowed one foot into my house. I have noticed that with drug abuse morals seem to go down the drains along with everything else, take care

Shining~Again

I posted 2 days before it was locked. I think I was pretty specific regarding what triggered bad memories. It had nothing to do with drugs nor addiction.
kind of don't think you are talking about my post tho'. In case you are....
there ya have it. Nope - no ties ins to the addict crap there.

It's an easy post to find again. If you wanted. 2nd page on forum. The one with the big LOCK on it.

bluebelle

Regarding my boundaries with others--

with RASD, I will not give her any money--no gift cards, no phone minutes, no payments to the college, no bailing out.

I will not fix RASD's problems. If she wants to return to taking classes, she can call the college, look at their website, and do the legwork. If she has gotten herself into a pickle, I tell her that she in smart enough to figure out how to get herself out.

I will return phone calls, but it might not be immediately. Therefore, just because you leave 15 phone calls in 10 minutes, does not mean it is an emergency.

Regarding my addict mother, if she threatens to hurt herself directly or indirectly, I will call 911. I will not listen to even vague threats such as, "Everybody would be better off if I wasn't around." My mom has a history of suicide attempts, so I take this very seriously.

I will not tolerate any abusive phone calls. I will hang up, and if necessary, block the number.

I am not a couselor or psychiatrist. If RASD, RABF, or AM has depression, they need to talk to a professional. If they are not sure how to take their medicine or whether or not they should, I refer them back to the psychiatrist. If they are having withdrawels, they need to talk to the doctor. ETC