Hanna

I speak to my brothers when they are polite and clean. When they are not I walk away or just don't pick up the phone. At least that's my current plan. Sometimes mitigating circumstances require me to make changes.

I felt alot of anger for you while reading this thread yesterday and started to post things about what to do with his stuff after the way he treated your home and then I remembered: He is your son. So I calmed down and didn't post anything. That's a very different situation from the things the addict BF left around my house when I told him to pack up and put him on a plane.

I do think you should find a way to get the things you know he can handle now to him asap, just so they aren't laying around the house.

Just an hour ago I found a letter I had written on behalf of my brother to the court 5.5 years ago which perfectly demonstrated that there's no way to really know what I will know and how I will feel about anything in a month, a year, or five years from now. That's one thing I learned a while ago, but boy that letter nearly made me dizzy. So I just try to focus on what I am thinking at this very moment and what I know today. What I mean is, you don't have you tell yourself you won't want to talk to him for a year or two years. You can just know that right now, you don't expect you will be willing to within the next week.

Peace

TiredandSpent

The stuff issue has been sort of resolved. My middle son called me at work and said it had gotten cold out so he'd like to take a bag of clothes to AS's work and drop them off, but he didn't want to do it behind my back and didn't want me to be upset. I said that was fine.

AS works from 4-6, M-F, and middle son dropped the bag off at about 1. I texted Middle son and asked if he'd seen AS. He said 'nope'. I asked if AS had contacted him, he said 'nope'. I texted back "It's good of you to drop off the clothes, I'm glad he still has a job there." Middle son texted back, "Same" and then mentioned his activities for the rest of the day.

So, that's that for now. We'll see what happens over the weekend. The college kids will all be leaving town to go back to school and hopefully AS will go with him. But if he does, he'll lose his job here and won't be able to get one up there (he's lost his id, no ssn card, no driver's license or birth cert, etc... and he's just not good about fixing those types of problems, which costs a little money at least to fix, and he won't have any).

If AS stays here, he keeps his $90 a week job, but will be homeless. Up there he'll have a home, but absolutely no money and no way to get any.

I wish he'd clean out his system and join the army. But probably can't without ID. Or maybe he'll figure out another solution. But chances are good that he'll show up at my door between Sat and next Tues.

If I can get beyond that, I think I'll really be able to relax and assume I won't see him for a while.

If he shows up at the door, I have to be mean and it'll be unpleasant. We'll live through it, but.... well, you all know.

At least he's got his clothes.

TiredandSpent

That's what my therapist says. But she says start thinking about it and feeling your way through it so you aren't blindsided if he shows up crying, shows up with an attitude, shows up suicidal, breaks in and you walk into the house to find him there or it trashed again. Think about what you'll do if you get a call from jail, from the police saying he's been in an accident, a call from your mother saying she gave him $500, etc...

She said I don't have to commit to any course of action yet, in fact, it's too early--just to mull it over, so I get a feeling for what I might want to do as a defense against being cornered or reacting in inappropriate ways.

I'm interested in hearing about your experience with reading the letter from 5 years ago if you're willing to share. How is your reaction different now, than then? What made it so dizzying?

TiredandSpent

The assumption always is from everyone that I will see him again. I'm not so sure. He's angry, and I wouldn't be surprised if he's also a bit ashamed, and likely to assume I'm furious and maybe punitive (which I sort of am--furious--and consequences I think are gnerally considered by addicts to be punitive, so he's right there too). I think these are all things that may keep him away forever if he can manage it.

But then again maybe he believes I am heart broken missing him and sick with worry. I've given him cause in the past to believe that too. So maybe he would come back.

But I'm sort of thinking nope, I'm not going to see him for a very, very long time, if ever.

However, I've been wrong every step of the way here, so who knows. I know some of you have had adult children disappear for years and years and some have had them keep showing up like a bad penny, and a lucky few seem to have had adult children actually turn themselves around.

Any experiences to share about this?

Chino

This is basically what my RAD's first addictionologist said to me, and I've not ever forgotten it:

"Imagine your worst fear about <insert name here> coming true. Now what?"

Prepare for the worst, hope for the best.