Newbie - ABF of 6.5 years broke up with me
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Join Date: Dec 2011
Location: Kentucky
Posts: 15
Newbie - ABF of 6.5 years broke up with me
This is the first time I have ever posted on this forum, but it seems like there is a lot of good advice on here and I thought it wouldn't hurt to share my breakup story...
My boyfriend of 6.5 broke up with a week ago. It was kind of sudden and unexpected. However, a lot has been going on in our relationship these past few months: In August, I found out he was abusing prescription pills off and on our entire relationship. I am heavily against drugs and even though we had fought about drugs in years past, I never considered he would still be doing them. So this of course came as an utter shock to me. I was distraught and didn't know what to do. We decided to take a break.
My ABF went straight to rehab. It was only for 2 weeks, because that is all he could afford. He then started going to AA and NA meetings. During all this, I found out my grandfather had developed a rapid and aggressive cancer. My mother, who I live with, went down to Florida to take care of him. I found myself all alone in the house and needed a shoulder to cry on, so I allowed myself to take my ex-boyfriend back. He seemed geniune about hurting me so badly and wanting to make things work. I wanted to take things slow, but seeing that we had so much history together, things quickly went back to normal. We saw each other every other day and talked every night.
Then in the beginning of December, I found out my ex-boyfriend had started smoking cigarettes. Although I asked him on two occasions about it, he continued to lie and it took me badgering him to finally hear the truth. Considering what we just went through, I was hurt, mad, and disgusted with this behavior. We had continual fights about it and I decided to not talk to him for a few days to clear my mind.
I ended up not talking to him for a week. When I finally called him, he refused to answer. It was not until the next day he returned all my calls and texts. I quickly found out that during that mere week, his feelings for me changed and he was highly considering a break up. This baffled me completely, because of anyone wanted to break up, I felt like it should have been me!
He came over the following day to talk and he kept saying he was confused about us. I could not go through a waiting came, so I kind of forced him to make a decision. It was obvious he did not want to be with me. He said things like "I do not love you as much as you love me", "My feelings have changed", and "I do not think about you as much as I once did". The main reason we broke up is because he wanted time to himself. Confusingly though, he also said he still loved me, did not want to see me with anyone else, and still would like to talk to me.
It was hard not to talk to him the first few days because I had gone 6.5 years talking to him nearly every day! We had texted back and forth, and to me, things started to look better. However, we go into a fight and he decided not to talk anymore because he felt like he may be leading me on. Again, he said he needs time to himself. I asked him though if he ever changes his mind, would he fight for me? He said yes, even if I'm in another relationship. So confusing!
This break up changes my life in every way. I had planned to move in with him this summer and marry him one day. I have been with him since I was 15 and do not even know how to begin being with someone else. And I was prepared to support him through his recovery and help as much as I could.
Sorry this was so long. Any advice? Thank you!
My boyfriend of 6.5 broke up with a week ago. It was kind of sudden and unexpected. However, a lot has been going on in our relationship these past few months: In August, I found out he was abusing prescription pills off and on our entire relationship. I am heavily against drugs and even though we had fought about drugs in years past, I never considered he would still be doing them. So this of course came as an utter shock to me. I was distraught and didn't know what to do. We decided to take a break.
My ABF went straight to rehab. It was only for 2 weeks, because that is all he could afford. He then started going to AA and NA meetings. During all this, I found out my grandfather had developed a rapid and aggressive cancer. My mother, who I live with, went down to Florida to take care of him. I found myself all alone in the house and needed a shoulder to cry on, so I allowed myself to take my ex-boyfriend back. He seemed geniune about hurting me so badly and wanting to make things work. I wanted to take things slow, but seeing that we had so much history together, things quickly went back to normal. We saw each other every other day and talked every night.
Then in the beginning of December, I found out my ex-boyfriend had started smoking cigarettes. Although I asked him on two occasions about it, he continued to lie and it took me badgering him to finally hear the truth. Considering what we just went through, I was hurt, mad, and disgusted with this behavior. We had continual fights about it and I decided to not talk to him for a few days to clear my mind.
I ended up not talking to him for a week. When I finally called him, he refused to answer. It was not until the next day he returned all my calls and texts. I quickly found out that during that mere week, his feelings for me changed and he was highly considering a break up. This baffled me completely, because of anyone wanted to break up, I felt like it should have been me!
He came over the following day to talk and he kept saying he was confused about us. I could not go through a waiting came, so I kind of forced him to make a decision. It was obvious he did not want to be with me. He said things like "I do not love you as much as you love me", "My feelings have changed", and "I do not think about you as much as I once did". The main reason we broke up is because he wanted time to himself. Confusingly though, he also said he still loved me, did not want to see me with anyone else, and still would like to talk to me.
It was hard not to talk to him the first few days because I had gone 6.5 years talking to him nearly every day! We had texted back and forth, and to me, things started to look better. However, we go into a fight and he decided not to talk anymore because he felt like he may be leading me on. Again, he said he needs time to himself. I asked him though if he ever changes his mind, would he fight for me? He said yes, even if I'm in another relationship. So confusing!
This break up changes my life in every way. I had planned to move in with him this summer and marry him one day. I have been with him since I was 15 and do not even know how to begin being with someone else. And I was prepared to support him through his recovery and help as much as I could.
Sorry this was so long. Any advice? Thank you!
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Join Date: Feb 2008
Location: Chicago area
Posts: 4,269
Sounds like you fell in love with the hopeful fantasy of the guy you wanted him to be. He's not that guy.
Sounds like you and he don't share the same values. You don't care for smoking and substance abuse and want an honest relationship. . He wants to smoke and use and lies to protect and sustain it. No reason either one of you needs to change to accommodate the other. It is what it is.
Sounds like you outgrew him, very common stuff in relationships, especially between young adults.
If any of us could love and support the people we care about clean and sober, none of us would be here. Eventually, most of us realize we are not that powerful and recovery is 100% an inside job.
Sounds like you and he don't share the same values. You don't care for smoking and substance abuse and want an honest relationship. . He wants to smoke and use and lies to protect and sustain it. No reason either one of you needs to change to accommodate the other. It is what it is.
Sounds like you outgrew him, very common stuff in relationships, especially between young adults.
If any of us could love and support the people we care about clean and sober, none of us would be here. Eventually, most of us realize we are not that powerful and recovery is 100% an inside job.
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Dec 2011
Location: Kentucky
Posts: 15
You're probably right outtolunch. It is just frustrating that he is finally getting the help he needs (during our last conversation, he told me he was getting a sponsor and doing a 12 step program), but he doesn't want me to be apart of his life anymore! And I know addicts have to love themselves first before they can love anyone else, it is just hard to give up all the years I invested...especially when I was so willing to be there for support. =(
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Join Date: Nov 2009
Location: Waterford MI
Posts: 4,202
it is just hard to give up all the years I invested...especially when I was so willing to be there for support. =(
Try not to look back at your relationship as a good investment gone bad, but an education about alcoholics (and others) some are just incapable of investing anything of themselves in a relationship because their only concern is the next high.
I speak from experience as a codependent wife and an alcoholic of 20 years.
Be easy on yourself. You deserve someone who can be honest.
Beth
PS I will come back with the title of an excellent book I have about this very thing!
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Join Date: Apr 2004
Location: In Today
Posts: 6,101
"I do not think about you as much as I once did". The main reason we broke up is because he wanted time to himself.
His mistress is his addiction. He has given you a great opportunity to find out who you are, what your 'boundaries are' in any relationship and move on.
You are worth so MUCH MORE than what he can give you.
Please keep posting and let us know how you are doing as we do care very much.
Love and hugs,
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Join Date: Dec 2011
Location: Atlanta,GA
Posts: 38
Your story is very similar to mine. I recently broke up with my ABF of 5 years...he went to treatment...lied when I asked him if he's sober...I did everything I could for him and thought that would be enough...we wanted to get married sometime in the future...etc. etc. etc.
This forum has immensely helped me and has made me realize that focusing on myself and taking care of myself is the best thing I can do. Although I still love and care about him (as he does of me) I did what I had to do for myself. He needs to be on his own, figuring out what the next steps are for him...if he wants to be sober?...does he want to continue using?
Focus on you, love yourself, and keep coming back to this forum. Have a good start to the new year. *HUGS**
-Panda
This forum has immensely helped me and has made me realize that focusing on myself and taking care of myself is the best thing I can do. Although I still love and care about him (as he does of me) I did what I had to do for myself. He needs to be on his own, figuring out what the next steps are for him...if he wants to be sober?...does he want to continue using?
Focus on you, love yourself, and keep coming back to this forum. Have a good start to the new year. *HUGS**
-Panda
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Join Date: May 2009
Location: Land of Cotton
Posts: 3,433
There's an old saying, "Women marry hoping that their man will change. Men marry hoping that their woman never will." That is so true!! Not just in this relationship, but in all future ones, ask yourself if you can accept this man just as he is today--without expectation of any change--because people really don't usually change much. Of course there are many exceptions, but as a general rule applied to fundamental and important values, think very carefully about your expectation of change. You néed to adjust your expectations or move on. That is a tough pill to swallow, I know, but in the long run in will save you from making BIG mistakes in your choice of a life-mate.
Your post could have been written by my son's ex-girlfriend. They are about your age and had been dating since the age of 15. By the time they were 18 or 19 it was clear that their values were very different--he is a drug user and she is not. She hung on for another year or two, putting herself through SO much anguish!! I even told her to run for the hills many times. She finally did and is now doing Very well making straight a"s in college and has a great new guy. My son is a serious drug user -- in spite of the many years of begging, bargaining, meetings, rehabs, sober living houses, etc. This is not the future you want. I would never choose it in a million years.
Run for the hills and be grateful. You have an angel watching out for you.
Your post could have been written by my son's ex-girlfriend. They are about your age and had been dating since the age of 15. By the time they were 18 or 19 it was clear that their values were very different--he is a drug user and she is not. She hung on for another year or two, putting herself through SO much anguish!! I even told her to run for the hills many times. She finally did and is now doing Very well making straight a"s in college and has a great new guy. My son is a serious drug user -- in spite of the many years of begging, bargaining, meetings, rehabs, sober living houses, etc. This is not the future you want. I would never choose it in a million years.
Run for the hills and be grateful. You have an angel watching out for you.
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Dec 2011
Location: Kentucky
Posts: 15
Thanks everyone for all the support and wisdom! You are all right in that I can't change my AXBF and I shouldn't lower my expectations just so I can be with him. I know being apart is what is best for both of us, but it doesn't make the breakup any less hurtful. I just hope I will be able to move on from him as healthy and quickly as possible.
I do have another question though. Before we split, my AXBF ran over a deer and damaged my car pretty severly. I payed for the repair costs (which were about $800), as he didn't have enough funds at that time. He had plan to pay me back with his income tax return. Even though we are now clearly broken up, he still intends to pay me back at the end of January. However, since we decided not to talk to each other anymore, what should I do when that day comes and he pays me back? Should we not see each other or should we? As of right now, I don't think seeing each other would be a good idea...
I do have another question though. Before we split, my AXBF ran over a deer and damaged my car pretty severly. I payed for the repair costs (which were about $800), as he didn't have enough funds at that time. He had plan to pay me back with his income tax return. Even though we are now clearly broken up, he still intends to pay me back at the end of January. However, since we decided not to talk to each other anymore, what should I do when that day comes and he pays me back? Should we not see each other or should we? As of right now, I don't think seeing each other would be a good idea...
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Join Date: Nov 2007
Posts: 1,384
I agree that him mailing it is the best choice. However, don't be surprised if he doesn't follow through this time. You probably don't want to count on it in your budget!!
It is very hard to break up with somebody after that period of time. You might be helped by some counseling, or some journalling. I've found daily journalling to help. Also, you can now discover what you like to do on your own. Maybe, there are some things you've been wanting to do/try, but he wasn't interested in it? I had a long term boyfriend in college who wasn't much of an outdoors person. He wanted to stay in and watch sports. After I broke up with him, I went back to hiking and walking a lot. My current boyfriend is like me--he prefers to be doing things outside. I really wasn't into staying in and watching sports, but that's what the previous boyfriend wanted. See what I mean? You will probably learn a lot about yourself since you have time on your own.
I think that him needing "time alone," sounds like a codeword for wanting to do what he wants (drugs, cigarrettes, etc.,) without you telling him what to do. It sounds to me like you two have grown apart. You want a marriage, stability, no drugs, no cigarettes. He wants something else. It's sad when this happens, but it'll give you a chance to move on.
It is very hard to break up with somebody after that period of time. You might be helped by some counseling, or some journalling. I've found daily journalling to help. Also, you can now discover what you like to do on your own. Maybe, there are some things you've been wanting to do/try, but he wasn't interested in it? I had a long term boyfriend in college who wasn't much of an outdoors person. He wanted to stay in and watch sports. After I broke up with him, I went back to hiking and walking a lot. My current boyfriend is like me--he prefers to be doing things outside. I really wasn't into staying in and watching sports, but that's what the previous boyfriend wanted. See what I mean? You will probably learn a lot about yourself since you have time on your own.
I think that him needing "time alone," sounds like a codeword for wanting to do what he wants (drugs, cigarrettes, etc.,) without you telling him what to do. It sounds to me like you two have grown apart. You want a marriage, stability, no drugs, no cigarettes. He wants something else. It's sad when this happens, but it'll give you a chance to move on.
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Join Date: Dec 2011
Location: Kentucky
Posts: 15
Originally Posted by bluebelle 
I think that him needing "time alone," sounds like a codeword for wanting to do what he wants (drugs, cigarrettes, etc.,) without you telling him what to do. It sounds to me like you two have grown apart. You want a marriage, stability, no drugs, no cigarettes. He wants something else. It's sad when this happens, but it'll give you a chance to move on.
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Join Date: Dec 2011
Location: Kentucky
Posts: 15
I've been looking into Al Anon/Nar Anon meetings today! Unfortunately, the closest Nar Anon meeting is an hour away, but there is a local Al Anon meeting I may go to. I've noticed Melody Beattie has been menetioned quite a bit on these forums, so I'll have to check out her books as well! =)
EDIT: Just looked online at my local library and they have 5 of her books! And I am going to check them all out today! =D
EDIT: Just looked online at my local library and they have 5 of her books! And I am going to check them all out today! =D
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