outtolunch

I am allowing myself to be haunted by this kid's words....

Tough love is a misunderstood term. It's all about being tough with ourselves and creating and enforcing our boundaries.

Serious millions of parents are dealing with this stuff and it has all to do with perceptions of entitlement and nothing to do with substance abuse.

cc88

^ this ^

December2011

he is not a kid he is a man at 24--- he will never learn unless he has to fend for himself.

December2011

It is time to start asking yourself why you need to keep him a child.... I am not being mean- I have just been there as a mom

Justfor1

There use to be an old pot commercial that said, "sometimes nothing happens with marijuana, nothing happens." It showed a 25 year old kid in the basement smoking pot & playing video games and his mom screaming, "Johnny, did you look for a job today!!??" It was very true. Pot is like a lazy mans drug. Cocaine/heroin because of cost makes people move to hustle to get the drugs. Alcohol can make people violent. Pot is a sneaky drug.

24hrsAday

i like your Avatar Just.. Happy New Year!

PurpleWilder

I know this is really hard for you but I'm just gonna say it as I see it.....

Thirty days? How about "30 seconds to get out before I call the cops and have them cart your sorry butt out in a squad car?"

You are giving him 30 days to work out his anger and resentment on you, your home and your property. If he knows he has nothing to lose what is to stop him from trashing the place, breaking windows, throwing a major party and then leaving you with the cleanup but minus every valuable/resellable thing not nailed down? If it were me, I would get rid of him RIGHT NOW and not feel a twinge of guilt.

aviatrix

I am so grateful to have you all supporting me in this. I think deep down, the reason I haven't given him the boot before now is that I am just terrified of losing him forever. I probably over-compensated for his emotionally absent dad. His dad died of a brain tumor two years ago. He was an alcoholic who quit drinking when my son was about two. But never went through treatment or any AA meetings. Just went cold turkey. The "stuff" of his alcoholism never went away and in some ways, he got meaner after he quit drinking.

After my husband found out he was terminal, with only a matter of weeks or months to live due to the highly aggressive, lethal form of cancer he had, he just quit talking to us. The weird part is that this house was like grand central station, he had so many friends in the community, so many people who looked up to him like he was some kind of god. He had this "outside face" and he had this face that the family saw. His funeral was attended by hundreds of people and it was standing room only. Many people got up to talk about him and all the wonderful things he did, how brilliant he was, how caring, how he would volunteer for this or that, serve on boards and commissions, how he would send flowers and cards to people. Such a giving man! But that, as I said, was his outside face. It was like I had somehow stumbled into the wrong funeral. He was not there for the people that mattered most.

Through lots of therapy, I have been able to let go of a lot of the anger I've felt towards my husband. Anger for over twenty years of verbal/emotional abuse. But it's really hard to forgive him for treating the kids and me as "outsiders" when he was dying. For not at least leaving a letter for each of us, telling us he loved us, telling us he was sorry for the things he said and did.

I am not trying to make excuses for why I have allowed this to go on so long with my son, but maybe you will understand there are complicating factors. And yes, I understand there are complicating factors in each family.

Again, thank you all for keeping me strong in this.

tjp613

I say this with the greatest amount of compassion in my heart....but if you enable him you might just lose yourself forever.

FT

Wow. All I can say is how deeply I feel for a family that has been through so much pain. Forgive me if I did not catch it in the above posts, but have you received family or individual counseling for the grieving process? People don't often realize that is dysfunctional relationships, anger and pain at your husband, that have the hardest fallout.

Take care of yourself. My guess is your son(s) have not done their "grief work" either. It sounds like you have come farther in that regard than they have.

FT

Chino

aviatrix, you've given your son two beautiful yet bittersweet gifts: you have shown him a better way by going to therapy and you're allowing him self determination.

You and yours and in my thoughts and prayers. I'm asking the Universe to bless and heal all of you.

kittenkaboodle

Wow! My AD does not feel entitled and never says the things that your kids are saying. She's the nice one. My non addicted daughter, on the other hand, has said the most horrible things to me. She, at age 20, gave my check routing number to a collection agency for $900+. When I found out, she told me that I owed her because she had a bad life. I was happy when my parents didn't beat me and call me names. These kids now are bums!!

I had two jobs from the time that I was 12, and it wasn't because I had to work; it was because it's just what we did as kids. Don't feel guilty for throwing him out. I was married, had two kids and a job at 24. What's wrong with kids now? Sheesh...

outtolunch

I think perhaps what has changed the most is that a heck of a lot of parents cushion their teen and adult children from the consequences of their behaviors. Your daughter likely would not consider pulling that stunt and felon crime with anyone other than you.

I say this as a mom who went to great lengths to avoid decisions that could ruin my daughter's life. That's the kind of BS I fed myself at the time.

aviatrix

I have certainly done my part to save my son from experiencing the consequences of his actions. Even as far back as middle school. When he would wait until the last day to start on a major school project (representing 33% of his grade) I would jump in and "help" him get it done so he wouldn't fail the class. Of course, now I regret it and wish I had let him fail the class, maybe even have to repeat a grade because of his own actions or failure to act. I learned this parenting style from my own parents. They wanted to spare us from the harsh realities, but it ended up crippling us. Like my own parents, I wanted to shield myself from feeling like a failure for having my children fail. So I deprived him of those valuable life lessons. I played my part in this. I think that is why I am having a hard time letting go. I somehow want to re-wind the tape and have a do-over, but it's too late now. Sigh....

lesliej

ah yes weed...
used to smoke the stuff A LOT...until it started making me too paranoid, then I switched into alcohol...which developed into alcoholism. weed is seen by some as somewhat ambivalent and "softer"
it's not as though people kill other people in car crashes or your liver caves in
and it's not as insanely addictive as heroin, meth, crack or pills.
however...the subtleties are more insidious

I think the biggest issue for me was a pipe dream apathy
when you are high life is good and you can imagine all sorts of plans and things you're going to do. then you just end up spacing off, coming down, eating a lot and sleeping.
nothing ever gets done. that is what you are describing.
when you take away his bed and his munchies he will go and find a way to survive.
I seriously do not know a single pothead who would end up living on the street like other addicts do...they just end up living sort of sub standard and lazy.

I also don't know many potheads who go to treatment. however my brother did, that is because we did an intervention on him for alcoholism and he now has 3 years in recovery! he tells us to this day that he doesn't think the alcohol was as bad as his weed.

just posting this because I know I like to hear some insight from those who used the same drugs as my qualifier..

aviatrix

My son and I have not spoken to each other since the day I told him he had 30 days to get out. We pass each other on the stairs or in the hallway, but neither one of us greets the other. I'm wondering, do I at some point remind him of the deadline? Suggest that he start lining up another place, etc.? Or would that be enabling him more? I am really getting anxious about what will happen on the 28th. I think he figures I'll sort of let the whole thing slide and he'll just end up staying...

I will attend my Al-anon meeting tonight.

Hanna

Today being the end of the Holidays before everyone goes back to work, it might be a good day to remind him that he needs to be out on the 28th.

Can you email him? That might keep it from getting contentious and let him know you mean business.

suki44883

I would absolutely remind him. If you don't, he is liable to acted shocked when the day comes and you tell him to leave. Don't give him that excuse. Make sure he knows that you expect him out on the 28th.

outtolunch

Good idea.

ColetteTocca

Well, that won't happen unless you let it happen. Focus on what it is you CAN control at this point because chances are you are 100% correct; he's biding his time hoping you just 'forget' about him having to move out... what plan do you have in place when the 28th comes and he doesn't move out? And more importantly, do you intend to follow through with the plan?