Brand new here
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Join Date: Dec 2011
Location: Another Earth
Posts: 172
Brand new here
Hi, I am brand new here and have been reading through so many posts that are so inspiring and helpful. After almost 7 years of dealing with my addict BF, I had to ask him to leave the home we share. Initially, we still had contact, although definitely not healthy communication all the time...I am sick, too. I did not wish to completely discard him from my life. All of the sudden he decided that he could not work the program and focus on me so he decided to take a break in the relationship. Well, come to find out that in a few weeks time he is already talking to another female in the program. What a slap in the face. He still insists he "loves" me and all the other nonsense. I am hurt, angry, beaten down, confused and all that other good stuff a codependent would be "after all I've been through". Ugh. I have cut off communication with him, I blocked him from being able to call or text me, but I cannot stop him from calling my work, which he has done twice today. What is he still trying to hang onto?? I hear how he is working the program, he is an independent man, how I am the one who beat him down for the last few years...all this finger pointing. Yet he calls me today at work and says to let him move back home today so we can work on it, that he is reaching out one last time to me. I hung up the phone. Really? After how horrible you told me I am and that you cannot say that you don't have an interest in this woman from the program ?? I guess my point, is I have found that what they say and what they are actually doing are 2 different things. I have started Al Anon and have been working out of the Melody Beattie books. I am enjoying spending time with my friends and family, who have been very supportive. I just want to keep at it and stop feeling responsible and putting my destiny in my ex's hands. I want to stop focusing on what he may or may not be doing. I know the focus needs to be on me and healing. I need to get well myself and that is that. Thanks for letting me share.
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Join Date: Sep 2007
Location: Atlanta
Posts: 31,179
(((SuzyMarie))) - Welcome to SR! Wow, you're way ahead of where I was when I first got here - good for you!
Even with al-anon, Melody Beattie, and SR it takes time to re-train our minds from obsessing over what they're doing and who they are doing it with. I'm also a recovering addict (RA) and I see a lot of similarities - I was as addicted to whatever dysfunctional man I was involved with as I was to crack. Crack, I can stay away from; people? not so much.
Be gentle with yourself, keep doing what you're doing, and keep reading/posting here. SR has been a huge part of both my recoveries, but this stuff takes time.
Hugs and prayers,
Amy
Even with al-anon, Melody Beattie, and SR it takes time to re-train our minds from obsessing over what they're doing and who they are doing it with. I'm also a recovering addict (RA) and I see a lot of similarities - I was as addicted to whatever dysfunctional man I was involved with as I was to crack. Crack, I can stay away from; people? not so much.
Be gentle with yourself, keep doing what you're doing, and keep reading/posting here. SR has been a huge part of both my recoveries, but this stuff takes time.
Hugs and prayers,
Amy
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Join Date: Sep 2011
Location: California
Posts: 99
You are doing so well..... Just wanted to encourage you..and to second impurrfect...go easy on yourself..its taking me a long time to have him leave my heart even though we dont share a home... One thing that helped me to not live with him again
Was the realization that I could not live with the daily insanity of an addict and that doing so would free up more of his money for "other things" hugs
Was the realization that I could not live with the daily insanity of an addict and that doing so would free up more of his money for "other things" hugs
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Join Date: Dec 2011
Location: Philadelphia, Pa
Posts: 16
My story was identical to yours when my addict BF went into a recovery house 2 years ago and turned on me. There was no proof but I knew that he met a woman in the program. It was obvious. I went through the pain that you feel. He has argued me down when I tell him that I know that speech from two years ago was about another woman and not about needing space. Well, my addiction to him allowed me to take him back and fool myself into believing that since he came back to me it was over with her or MAYBE he was not lying when he said he needed space because I had no PROOF. However, this has been an on going argument for 2 years about the pain he caused when he turned on me for this mysterious woman. He has been actively using since he came back 2 years ago.
Three weeks ago I found out that he was seeing another woman. I believe that it is the same woman. She knows about his addiction, says she has been through this "waay" too long, wanted him to get his stuff etc and since he came back he stays out for days "getting high" moved out twice for a month...things he did not do even when he got high before the recovery episode years ago. The point is that you are doing well so do not take a page/chapter out of my book. If I stayed away two years ago I would not be in this rotten, depressed state now. Somewhere here told me that there is always a girl B or one in the making. I believe it now.
Three weeks ago I found out that he was seeing another woman. I believe that it is the same woman. She knows about his addiction, says she has been through this "waay" too long, wanted him to get his stuff etc and since he came back he stays out for days "getting high" moved out twice for a month...things he did not do even when he got high before the recovery episode years ago. The point is that you are doing well so do not take a page/chapter out of my book. If I stayed away two years ago I would not be in this rotten, depressed state now. Somewhere here told me that there is always a girl B or one in the making. I believe it now.
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Dec 2011
Location: Another Earth
Posts: 172
phillyds....I understand the pain. It is like they want to keep running so they latch onto the next one and keep on running! I have the "proof"...he admits to talking to her because she "understands" him and he also admits that there is an interest there. So to me, the Universe did me a favor because it is better to find out now than to be still trapped in this same pattern months down the road thinking we were both working on ourselves, only to find out he had set his sights elsewhere. It is funny, because in my sick state I was pompous enough to believe that no one else would put up with him, and to be fair, she may not because she does not even KNOW him, but like you said, there's always one in the making. Hugs to you.
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Join Date: Jun 2011
Location: Right here, right now!
Posts: 3,424
SuzyMarie-
Change the drug of choice to alcohol and boyfriend to husband and you have me 12-18mths ago.
It has not been easy, but it does get easier with time.
Counseling, Al-anon, Codependency issues etc have all been really, really helpful.
I am not yet grateful for the lessons, but am grateful for the learning. You will be to.
Change the drug of choice to alcohol and boyfriend to husband and you have me 12-18mths ago.
It has not been easy, but it does get easier with time.
Counseling, Al-anon, Codependency issues etc have all been really, really helpful.
I am not yet grateful for the lessons, but am grateful for the learning. You will be to.
Member
Join Date: Nov 2011
Location: Minneapolis
Posts: 924
when people are serious about recovery they usually find someone of the same sex to "understand" them...that being a sponsor, and fellowship too, yes, but usually the romance seeking members of 12 steps...especially when new... are headed for trouble.
relationships can be a major distraction to people new in recovery
I am guessing that he is not all that serious about his recovery if he is finding meetings to be a playground rather than a healing ground
at the very least let your break up be certain...
not a very principled guy.
not much integrity.
can you do better than that in a partner?
relationships can be a major distraction to people new in recovery
I am guessing that he is not all that serious about his recovery if he is finding meetings to be a playground rather than a healing ground
at the very least let your break up be certain...
not a very principled guy.
not much integrity.
can you do better than that in a partner?
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Dec 2011
Location: Another Earth
Posts: 172
Thank you everyone for the kind words. I went to a really great meeting last night and there is something to be said about power in numbers...I feel so good today. I didn't wake up depressed this morning. That is how I feel right now, I know that may change but I am embracing the moment. The BF called me at work again this morning, asking if I thought about what he asked me yesterday, which is to come back home. I calmly explained that he knows that is not an option right now and that I feel maybe he is only asking, knowing I will say no, so he can justify his interest in this lady. He got angry and said that he is not interested in her for a relationship, etc. I borrowed a little bit of what Leslie posted and the finger pointing started. I said that I was not engaging in this, I feel very good about myself and that I wish him the best and I hung up. I feel empowered!
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Join Date: Dec 2007
Location: The Jungle
Posts: 5,435
Welcome to SR.....you've found a great forum with so many people who understand what it's like to love an addict.
One of the sayings I love the most around here is:
Say what you mean, mean what you say, and don't say it mean.
Say what I mean: I state my boundary clearly. If that boundary is "do not call me at work" and the boundary is crossed it takes me to......
Mean what I say: My boundary is not negotiable. If I have asked you to not call me at work because it is disruptive to my workday, I will gently hang up the phone as soon as I know it is you.
Don't say it mean: There is no reason to use anger, animosity, naughty words, yelling while delivering the message of my boundary. I can say it matter-of-factly without bringing my emotional world crashing down on the addict's head.
This is how I began to take control of the one thing I could control......me.
This saying helped me a great deal. I hope it helps you too. If not, that's ok. Take what you need and store the rest. It may not be helpful today but it might be something you can use in the future.
Again, welcome to SR.
gentle hugs
ke
One of the sayings I love the most around here is:
Say what you mean, mean what you say, and don't say it mean.
Say what I mean: I state my boundary clearly. If that boundary is "do not call me at work" and the boundary is crossed it takes me to......
Mean what I say: My boundary is not negotiable. If I have asked you to not call me at work because it is disruptive to my workday, I will gently hang up the phone as soon as I know it is you.
Don't say it mean: There is no reason to use anger, animosity, naughty words, yelling while delivering the message of my boundary. I can say it matter-of-factly without bringing my emotional world crashing down on the addict's head.
This is how I began to take control of the one thing I could control......me.
This saying helped me a great deal. I hope it helps you too. If not, that's ok. Take what you need and store the rest. It may not be helpful today but it might be something you can use in the future.
Again, welcome to SR.
gentle hugs
ke
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