recoverme

My son, 26 years old, will be 'getting out' of treatment on Friday and has asked me to pick him up. He is in treatment for heroin addiction; lived with me for two years, at first, unemployed, then employed for over a year-- thought it was progress (getting a job) but once the job ran its course and the addiction progressed, lost his job and very quickly and deliberately cleared my home of anything of any value at all and everything I owned is gone. Guitar, drum set, cameras, jewelry, computer equipment... (Says he, 'You're not still hung up on your things are you, Mom? People are more important than things...') He used in my home. I found needles, cookers, and it sickens me to think of it. I believed his lies, and still want to believe him-- to give him the benefit of the doubt... that because of his illness, he needs my help. Because heroin has debilitated him to the point that he cannot help himself.

I am as sick or sicker than the heroin addict. Sick with grief and sick from thinking that his fate is death and my fate is to mourn the loss of a gifted, beautiful son.

I wanted to track down the dealer until my son said that he was given heroin by my youngest son.

My youngest son drove himself to my parent's home in Alabama two years ago. He was not living with me prior to this, so I do not know the details. All I know for sure is my parents are extremely proud of him-- that he is a gentleman, a hard working, and wonderful grandson. They do not believe he ever had a problem with drugs.

My middle son has asked that I pick him up from treatment on Friday. I believe he has been qualified for long-term treatment by the state, but he has only finished 30 days treatment.

It was less than two weeks ago he left a message that visitation would be the next day at 1:30, and would I please phone his old (rehab/drug-using) girlfriend and bring her down to visit... and I could visit too.

I am a pushover and very very weak from the two years he lived here-- chasing away drug dealers; sleeping with keys and handbags; finding drugs; defending my property and sanity.

My little brother passed away November 2009, and when I returned from the funeral (middle son was asked to please feed the cats while I was gone) he met me at the airport with alcohol on his breath; there were needles in my home. My life has been a living hell. I was apparently too helpless, traumatized to help myself apart from getting to a NarAnon meeting.

When he is in treatment, he has very limited access to telephone, and therefore, I can avoid calls. I am not strong enough to deal with him.

I phoned the rehab center and left a long and fairly concise description of the circumstances on the counselor's voice mail-- that my son had asked that I pick him up; that I haven't the ability to help him; that he cannot stay here. There is a good chance they will not be able to return my call if my son does not give them permission to talk to me.

This is beyond me.

He has broken into my home numerous times.

When everything was stolen, I filed a police report, but the investigator kept asking me if I wanted to press charges. I answered that I did, but they never believed me, apparently. They just kept asking if I wanted to press charges. I do not know how to deal with police or drug rehab.

I do not know how to talk to my son anymore because I cannot trust him.

I want to disappear and be left alone.

I want peace and serenity so that I may recover from this nightmare. It has and is taking a toll on my health.

I am doing all I can, but I feel the addiction is winning.:

butterfligh

I'm sorry you are suffering so much. I think you know
what you need to do, and that is to detach
from your son. Do not let him back into your house. Do not
give him money. If you can't get yourself to a meeting, stay on this forum and read all the stickys. In my opinion, it's time for the realization that there is nothing you can do to fix him. Only he can fix himself. Keep coming back here. We care. You are among friends. Peace.

Ann

I agree, do not let him in your home. Sadly, my son can no longer come in my home again. He too stole every single time...no matter how clean I thought he was, it always led to stealing. If he is serious about his recovery, he will find it for himself. "We" are not the solution, but we can be part of the problem if we don't get out of the way.

You sound like I felt a few years back, my son's addiction almost killed "me".

What helped me was to find a meeting, where I could only cry and listen for the first few. But those meetings literally saved my life. Ongoing support from meetings, SR and working my own recovery every day keeps me sane, balanced and happy to live in peace today.

I love my son too, and I know your pain. But I was becoming sicker than he was and could only save myself in the end.

Please do not repeat past mistakes. I did for too many years and it always ended badly. Do not let his words hurt you, it's addiction speaking. He may be your son but he is not entitled to destroy your safe place, your home.

Find peace for yourself. I promise you that it is there, but first we have to let go of the chaos.

Hugs

outtolunch

You are not your son's only option. "No" is a complete sentence. " No because..." opens the door to negotiation and manipulation. You are no match for addiction which compels your son to protect and sustain it at all costs.

Do not pick your son up. Do not chauffer his GF . Heck, don't take his calls.

Change your locks and phone number.

If he breaks in, call 911. Tell the Police you want to press charges and ask them to guide your through the paperwork to do so.

Please find a therapist who can help you recover from the stress of dealing with all of this.

Know that you did not cause this. You cannot control this. You cannot cure this. You can however, save yourself.

Heroin was my daughter's drug of choice too. I nearly bankrupted myself financially, emotionally and physically trying to save her from herself. I put myself in harms way, imposed myself between her and a dealer. I walked into a crack house to rescue her. I allowed her to steal from me, lie to me and gave her money so she would not prostitute herself. Back then, I thought I could fix her. I was mistaken.

My choice to let go was motivated my by own paonful acceptance that I could not fix her and either had to let go or be dragged down with her. I chose to save myself. And you can save yourself and reclaim your life.

As an aside my daughter eventually cleaned herself up and did so on her own and in her own timeframe. She decided to save herself.

CatsPajamas

Recoverme,

Nice to "meet you" again. As I mentioned in the chatroom last night, this forum is a wonderful place for you to connect with many parents of addicts. Some of those addicts have found a recovery program, others have not.

I'm glad you posted here, and I expect you'll get some great feedback from others who have been in your shoes, or at least close.

For my own son, I remember telling him that I loved him SO MUCH that I would no longer cover for him when worked called, I wouldn't pay his overdue bills, I wouldn't do anything for him that he could do for himself. At first it was awful and he was angry with me. Now, years later, he is glad that he had to find his own answers and his own path.

Mom hugs,
Cats

Chino

My daughter is a recovering IV opiate addict (two years coming up soon). While she did continue her recovery after returning home, it's not something I'm willing to do again. I've worked really hard at my own recovery and we have a really nice relationship now.

I kept thinking we had issues living together because of her disease and our codependency, only to discover all of our issues came from natural order. It isn't natural for adult offspring to continue living in the nest or return to it.

Please trust your instincts and don't let him return home.