Struggling and scared
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Nov 2011
Location: New York, NY
Posts: 30
Struggling and scared
Brief overview: My 17-year-old foster son was arrested on a drug charge, sentenced through judicial diversion to 12 months residential drug treatment, absconded after three weeks, refused to turn himself in to the courts, and was picked up on a bench warrant a week ago at my home. He was angry at me for opening the door for the police when they came to pick him up, and called me from the courthouse to tell me that he was disconnecting me from his life. He is currently in jail, waiting for his next court date of 1/11.
Current status: He is, of course, speaking to me again. The first couple times he called me, he was distant, although not rude, and he certainly didn't apologize for anything he had said or done, he just asked for money and clothes. Every time he called I was in public, so I didn't get into it with him over what had happened, we just had very short very business-like conversations. But then I was upset later, feeling like I didn't stand up for myself, like I sort of let him get away with his behavior.
He has told me that he will refuse any further treatment options, preferring just to do his time in jail.
He called me on Christmas, and was actually pretty pleasant. We just talked, and when we hung up he said I love you.
But I am still feeling really angry at and disappointed with him. Because of his recent escapade, I feel like it is no longer possible for me to believe anything he says about wanting to change or be different. I am already worried about what it will be like when he comes home again, even though we won't know until court on 1/11 how much time he is going to have to serve. (It will probably be somewhere in the area of 6 months, although the judge could surprise us and order pretty much anything, I suppose.)
I know that it has to be his choice to finally address his drug use and get clean. No one can force him to do this....if I had any doubts before, I certainly know now.
But I am really struggling.
I am struggling to let go, because what I want to do is find out if there are programs he can access while in jail, to find the right words to convince him to start working on himself now before he comes out.
I am struggling to figure out what my boundaries are and will be. Do I say if he is going to come home he MUST be involved in a recovery program? What if he says he will go into treatment but then doesn't? Would I actually have the strength to kick him out?
I am struggling to figure out how to make sense of everything in my head, to figure out how to communicate any of it to him, to figure out how much of it I even SHOULD communicate to him.
And the truth is, I am scared. Scared that he won't change, scared that I won't change, scared that he will come home and the misery and the craziness will just continue.
I am just feeling very small and hopeless and weak tonight.
Current status: He is, of course, speaking to me again. The first couple times he called me, he was distant, although not rude, and he certainly didn't apologize for anything he had said or done, he just asked for money and clothes. Every time he called I was in public, so I didn't get into it with him over what had happened, we just had very short very business-like conversations. But then I was upset later, feeling like I didn't stand up for myself, like I sort of let him get away with his behavior.
He has told me that he will refuse any further treatment options, preferring just to do his time in jail.
He called me on Christmas, and was actually pretty pleasant. We just talked, and when we hung up he said I love you.
But I am still feeling really angry at and disappointed with him. Because of his recent escapade, I feel like it is no longer possible for me to believe anything he says about wanting to change or be different. I am already worried about what it will be like when he comes home again, even though we won't know until court on 1/11 how much time he is going to have to serve. (It will probably be somewhere in the area of 6 months, although the judge could surprise us and order pretty much anything, I suppose.)
I know that it has to be his choice to finally address his drug use and get clean. No one can force him to do this....if I had any doubts before, I certainly know now.
But I am really struggling.
I am struggling to let go, because what I want to do is find out if there are programs he can access while in jail, to find the right words to convince him to start working on himself now before he comes out.
I am struggling to figure out what my boundaries are and will be. Do I say if he is going to come home he MUST be involved in a recovery program? What if he says he will go into treatment but then doesn't? Would I actually have the strength to kick him out?
I am struggling to figure out how to make sense of everything in my head, to figure out how to communicate any of it to him, to figure out how much of it I even SHOULD communicate to him.
And the truth is, I am scared. Scared that he won't change, scared that I won't change, scared that he will come home and the misery and the craziness will just continue.
I am just feeling very small and hopeless and weak tonight.
Member
Join Date: Aug 2011
Posts: 213
I'm sorry your going through this, I guess this is the part where they tell us we have no control, my son is in rehab and I have been having the same feelings since he left and his phone calls of getting him out certainly don't help, honestly at this point about the only thing i can deal with is just getting through the one day at a time I'm trying on letting go if the program is working for him, what will happen when he gets out etc etc ...., all i can offer is i feel the pain your in and to let you know your not alone
Member
Join Date: Sep 2007
Location: Atlanta
Posts: 31,179
(((Emily))) - I'm so sorry you are going through this. I can't answer what things will be like if/when he comes home. I know, when I came home, the one rule was no drugs - if they even suspected it, I was out. I actually got away with it, dabbling here (NOT at home) but as most addicts do, I relapsed in a big way. I was allowed to come back home, but by then I was done.
I don't know about your son, but the thought of prison being the next place I would go was enough to put me on the straight and narrow.
I don't know that you'll be able to answer whether or not you'd have the strength to make him leave if he comes home and messes up again, but I think the more you work on YOU, you'll find the answer if/when the time comes.
In the meantime, I'm sending you all the hugs and prayers I can, and I'm really glad you're posting here - SR has been my lifesaver on more than one occasion. We care, we understand, and we're here to walk this path with you.
Hugs and prayers,
Amy
I don't know about your son, but the thought of prison being the next place I would go was enough to put me on the straight and narrow.
I don't know that you'll be able to answer whether or not you'd have the strength to make him leave if he comes home and messes up again, but I think the more you work on YOU, you'll find the answer if/when the time comes.
In the meantime, I'm sending you all the hugs and prayers I can, and I'm really glad you're posting here - SR has been my lifesaver on more than one occasion. We care, we understand, and we're here to walk this path with you.
Hugs and prayers,
Amy
Member
Join Date: Nov 2011
Location: Minneapolis
Posts: 924
One Day at a Time!
You don't know right now what will happen months from now. That is okay.
Addicts have a way of pushing for answers. (especially for what they want/need from you!) and you don't need to know the answers!
If you are not legally responsible to provide housing then you do not need to know.
You are confused, naturally. You can take all the time you need to know what you want to do. The other night in some contact I had with my exABF I discovered more evidence of increasing health in my expression of boundaries...I was able to say "I don't know." and be verrrrrrry comfortable with it! I can live in the present. I can handle ambiguity...because sometimes the plan of my higher power has not become entirely clear yet.
Becoming healthier and healthier with boundaries affords so many luxuries of serenity.
Not knowing the future is one of them! We are not fortune tellers...most especially with someone who is out of control with an addiction. BUT we can make our lives manageable and have a great deal of peace and serenity if we choose not to engage in their out of control lives.
Are you legally responsible to provide him with housing?
If not then he can just figure out what he wants to do...since he seems to have the plan he wants in place...and he can not influence or push your decisions...just like you can't push or plan his!!
Breathe in, find peace, turn it over!!! Your higher power has a plan and maybe you just don't know it yet!
You don't know right now what will happen months from now. That is okay.
Addicts have a way of pushing for answers. (especially for what they want/need from you!) and you don't need to know the answers!
If you are not legally responsible to provide housing then you do not need to know.
You are confused, naturally. You can take all the time you need to know what you want to do. The other night in some contact I had with my exABF I discovered more evidence of increasing health in my expression of boundaries...I was able to say "I don't know." and be verrrrrrry comfortable with it! I can live in the present. I can handle ambiguity...because sometimes the plan of my higher power has not become entirely clear yet.
Becoming healthier and healthier with boundaries affords so many luxuries of serenity.
Not knowing the future is one of them! We are not fortune tellers...most especially with someone who is out of control with an addiction. BUT we can make our lives manageable and have a great deal of peace and serenity if we choose not to engage in their out of control lives.
Are you legally responsible to provide him with housing?
If not then he can just figure out what he wants to do...since he seems to have the plan he wants in place...and he can not influence or push your decisions...just like you can't push or plan his!!
Breathe in, find peace, turn it over!!! Your higher power has a plan and maybe you just don't know it yet!
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Join Date: May 2009
Location: Land of Cotton
Posts: 3,433
Hi Emily -- I've been following your story since you first came here and my heart is so heavy for you right now. I feel your sadness, fear and frustration.
What concerns me is his total lack of remorse and his attitude of entitlement. I know he's had a VERY rough life and you want to stick by him (if at all possible) to try to make up for that. But IMHO you are not equipped to do that...or to cause a change in him simply with the power of your love.
I allowed my son to come home from rehab with all those conditions.... continued treatment, psych evaluation, AA meetings, curfews, responsibilities, etc. He didn't last a week. I woke him up one morning and gave him 10 minutes to gather his belongings and get out. In the case of you and your son, I believe you would be in the same position in a very short time. Again, that's just my opinion, and it's not worth much...it's only based on my experience.
My (17yo) daughter was also in a residential treatment program for her psych disorder. There were several kids in the same center who were sent there by the county from juvenile detention. Many had similar issues and backgrounds as your son and we were all in multi-family therapy together. I was able to watch them make progress (or not) over a period of several months. And it does take that long....6 months to a year of intense treatment with lots of family, group and individual counseling... to realize any material change. Your son was given that chance, but bolted from the program. Kids bolted from this program, too....but they were hauled back in and had privileges taken away for a long time. I did see kids just like your son get turned around. It was nothing short of miraculous. Who knows if they chose to stay on the right path or not after discharge? I don't know. But at least they were given a year of good treatment to give them a fighting chance.
This is what I would do if I were you: I would write a letter to the judge and as eloquently as possible ask that he be returned to his previous (or other) treatment program if at all possible. Tell the judge that as long as he is in treatment you will do everything in your power to provide parental and emotional support, but that you are unable to do so under any other circumstance. Beyond that, it will be up to the judge to ask your son the relevant questions. At least with the letter you will feel better that you have done something to try to help. It could very well be that he just doesn't want the help. But then again, he has to realize it comes with a very steep price....no soft, warm place to land. It will be his choice and there can be no backing down on your part. It's show time.
This sucks. I'm so sorry. I'm glad you're here.
What concerns me is his total lack of remorse and his attitude of entitlement. I know he's had a VERY rough life and you want to stick by him (if at all possible) to try to make up for that. But IMHO you are not equipped to do that...or to cause a change in him simply with the power of your love.
I allowed my son to come home from rehab with all those conditions.... continued treatment, psych evaluation, AA meetings, curfews, responsibilities, etc. He didn't last a week. I woke him up one morning and gave him 10 minutes to gather his belongings and get out. In the case of you and your son, I believe you would be in the same position in a very short time. Again, that's just my opinion, and it's not worth much...it's only based on my experience.
My (17yo) daughter was also in a residential treatment program for her psych disorder. There were several kids in the same center who were sent there by the county from juvenile detention. Many had similar issues and backgrounds as your son and we were all in multi-family therapy together. I was able to watch them make progress (or not) over a period of several months. And it does take that long....6 months to a year of intense treatment with lots of family, group and individual counseling... to realize any material change. Your son was given that chance, but bolted from the program. Kids bolted from this program, too....but they were hauled back in and had privileges taken away for a long time. I did see kids just like your son get turned around. It was nothing short of miraculous. Who knows if they chose to stay on the right path or not after discharge? I don't know. But at least they were given a year of good treatment to give them a fighting chance.
This is what I would do if I were you: I would write a letter to the judge and as eloquently as possible ask that he be returned to his previous (or other) treatment program if at all possible. Tell the judge that as long as he is in treatment you will do everything in your power to provide parental and emotional support, but that you are unable to do so under any other circumstance. Beyond that, it will be up to the judge to ask your son the relevant questions. At least with the letter you will feel better that you have done something to try to help. It could very well be that he just doesn't want the help. But then again, he has to realize it comes with a very steep price....no soft, warm place to land. It will be his choice and there can be no backing down on your part. It's show time.
This sucks. I'm so sorry. I'm glad you're here.
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Join Date: Feb 2008
Location: Chicago area
Posts: 4,269
Originally Posted by TitiEmily 
He has told me that he will refuse any further treatment options, preferring just to do his time in jail.
A wise poster on this forum once posted that "if you cannot say no, you have no business being in any sort of relationship".
We codependents use our emotions and negative inner dialog to rationalize our own bizzaro behaviors.Tough love means being tough on yourself and not capitualating to the whims of children.
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