story74

Ugh!

How do you deal with a father who calls and says he wants to be a part of his son's life, but has only seen him 5 times in 8 months? I am trying no contact as much as I can, but by the 3rd phone call and text I give up and let him talk to his son. I am trying to do the right thing. His son doesn't want to talk to him, and I don't force it. So, then he makes me feel guilty like I am suppose to talk to my son about how important it is to talk to his father,but this father has done us wrong over and over and over. AND this father that I am suppose to build up to my son as important continues to consistently miss his 2 hours a week visitation. I have no respect for this man. And this is all my fault. He called on christmas at 8pm???!!! My son is 3. Really? He was sleeping. He is so clueless.

I just am so tired of dealing with a self absorbed spoiled child. He is so angry and won't listen to anything I say. Everything is my fault. And he has seemed to forget everything he has done to us. He seems to think he is trying. I find him to be not trying in the least. He has yet to make his son a number one priority. If I were in his shoes, I would be bending over backwards doing everything asked. He seems to think I should bend over backwards for him. He can't even call/text before 12 on a visitation day to confirm the visit. He will text at 1 and say he overslept and ask if we can still make the visit. Then the next week he texts at 3. I ask him not to come over my house, he does anyways. Its like he doesn't care at all what I ask. No respect. I am Not bending on my boundries either. He must call/text before 12 on visitation days or forget it. This is simple. And he not only messes it up 2 weeks in a row, but gets angry at me for not bending the rules for him. Follow the rules first and show me respect first and then maybe I will bend for you. Then he calls and leaves a message that he doesn't want to hear my voice, but wants to talk to his son. Wtf? It is all about him.

I keep wishing he will just go away.I am so sick of feeling anxious. I am so sick of questioning myself making sure I am doing the right thing...because what he says to me. I feel like he is using my son to make himself feel better. So in his delusional mind he can say that he didn't abandon us. Which he did. It makes me so mad that my son is a tool to him. He has been the worst father ever. Has anybody ever had to deal with this? Will he eventually just go away? He says he is clean, but his behavoir proves otherwise. A clean man would be trying hard core. He doesn't even talk to his family. His step father was in the hospital, and he would only text his mom. He couldn't even call her. And our relationship is just a mess. We don't communicate. I am trying super hard to just have absolute no contact. He texted me something mean yesterday, andi just ignored it. Today he texted me telling me he is there for his son, and I couldn't help but tell him he is delusional. It is so hard to not respond to something that is being said that is unjust or wrong.

All I want is for him to text me before 12. Meet at the park for 2 hours and that's it. Just slowly rebuild trust. He is making it a circus.

Legally, he has to get 2 hour a week. So, I can't change my number. I am thinking about moving, but my lawyer said he has to sign a paper and approve it first. I don't want to do visitation thru the state bc my son doesn't want anything to do with him, so I want to be there. Also, I want to be there with him so I can hear what is being said.

I don't trust him. He is a liar. He hides things from me. Owes me money. Is living with a *****. I am just so tired of the pain and anxiety. Here I am spending a hour and a half of my life upset. Again.

I just wish he would go away bc I don't know how to deal with him. he won't even sit and talk to me like an adult.

YearForMe

what about supervised visitation in an approved facility where he has to pay for the visit and they monitor and document everything?

Heartbroken0608

Change your number. Set up a supervised visit, if not with an official at least with some other 3rd party (aunt, grandmother, friend). You don't have to communicate with him. Thursdays at the park from 2-4 (for example) is the end of your responsibility. You do not have to communicate with him beyond that.

Impurrfect

(((story))) - I don't know if it's possible in your situation, but my niece (who we've raised since she was 1, her mom died in a car wreck and dad is an addict) was appointed a guardian-ad-litem. Their sole purpose is doing what is best for the child.

My niece had supervised visits, done by her "dad's" grandparents, and she started screaming when she saw a car that was similar to theirs, screaming "don't make me GOOOOO" and she was around your son's age. She had her own lawyer, the guardian ad-litem and a psychiatrist at age 3 (it was paid for by the state). The visits were stopped when the lawyer saw her reaction at the mere mention of seeing her "mee-maw and paw-paw" with her dad.

As she grew up, we never spoke bad of her dad, she went through a phase where she thought he was wonderful, believed all his lies, etc. She's now 18, and has wanted nothing to do with him for years. She figured out how he was, all on her own. She did, however, have some anger at us as she thought we MADE her see them. A few years ago, I told her what we went through to keep her safe, comply with the courts, etc. and she was livid at what her "dad" and family put us through.

She does talk to her other grandparents (my dad and stepmom are technically her grandparents, but also the parents as they have raised her). Her "dad" is in prison, again, and he's sent letters and tried to call, begging her to let him be her "dad". Too little, too late.

I'm sorry you're going through this, and I do know the pain. She's not my child, but she's the closest thing to it. I was totally disgusted with the court system, at first, but they did come through. I hope you can find a way to protect your son, and not have to deal with all this mess.

Hugs and prayers,

Amy

tjp613

If you stick to your boundaries and do a little better job of not reacting to his jabs then I think the chances are real good that he will just fade into the sunset. My guess is that his interest lies in shifting blame to you and keeping you enmeshed in drama -- not in having a real relationship with his child. Stay strong -- you are a good mom.

YearForMe

I know it's a scary thought, because you want to do the right thing in the eyes of the law, even if it's not really the best thing.....when you look at the situation.

If you were to stop the visits and refuse contact with him in any way....he would have to go thru the courts and file contempt of court charges against you.

This is the way my grandson's dad did with my daughter. (my daughter is the addict).
She kept missing visits etc. etc. etc.....harassing the dad. etc. etc. and she didn't file with the court....she waited for an upcoming hearing where she said he wasn't holding up his end of the bargain. Dad very calmly told the judge that her behavior was very disturbing and disruptive to my grandson and asked if a guardian ad litem could be appointed? He additionally asked for court ordered drug screening of my daughter and anything else the guardian ad litem thought might be appropriate.

In other words....he ASKED calmly for assistance. What happened was....my daughter showed up for drug screens....which came back dirty.....and the guardian ad litem dealt with the court....not my grandson's daddy.

It took all of the drama out of all of it. And the state paid for all of it.

verylost

I don't have any advice for you. I'm basically just sitting around and hoping my AH disappears eventually. I highly doubt it'll happen, because I think having random short contact with his children makes him feel like he's a good person. He claims he's sober, but he's still just as selfish. I don't know what to say, I don't understand why they won't just go away. Anyway, I'm documenting everything and hoping that one day if I need to move to another state I can use it all to help me leave.

story74

Thanks for all the posts. This site helps my sanity and always puts things in perspective.

Verylost, I am sorry you are going thru the same pain. It is awful because of course I want my son's father in his life. I loved this man for 16 years. I never thought this would happen. This isn't what I wanted, but it is what it is. I'm soooooo tired of the anxiety and pain. I realize most of this comes from the fact I still love him and am still getting over the hurt he has caused. For right now, my goal is to try to not even care what he is thinking or saying. Ignore it. On Monday, if he follows the rules, he can see his son. Otherwise I will not respond or communicate with him in anyway. I will not answer the phone or texts when he calls. Which by the way is funny. He will call 3 days in a row to talk to his son, and then I finally give in and we won't hear from him for a week. I couldn't go a day without seeining my son. Its almost like it is just a game. So, my goal is to stop thinking about what he is thinking. To stop caring about what says. I don't have to defend myself. I know I am doing right by my son. And then its his choice to see his son. I think I will see how emotionally I am feeling after a month or 2 and then if comes to it, I may just revert to state visitations.

So annoying. I just want the anxiety to go away.

Thanks for all your help!

Blessings and happy new year!

outtolunch

Age is not a good indication of maturity. Do you have court-ordered child support in place? While most courts view child support and visitation as 2 separate issues, they do have some bearing.

Living with or without this man, you still manage to make him the focus of your attention. You can change this by disengaging and sticking with your own healthy boundaries. Being a solo parent is hard enough without all this drama.

story74

Outtolunch, thank you. You nailed it.

StillLearning1

Story,
You've gotten some good replies.
I only want to add my experience. It was very difficult when my children were young. Also very difficult when I was trying to get divorced. I was also very fearful of leaving them with him, alone.

I just want to share with you, my son's grew up without a father.
They are pretty nice, good, kids. Frankly, better than many that had that Father in their home, in their life.

Today, I am so grateful. So grateful. He was as bad as he was!!!
Like you, had he just shown up, just cared a lil bit...
OMG!!!!!

I remember someone telling me once- probably my ex, Gods Plan.
Today, I can tell you, His plan, was without a doubt better than mine.

It was such a nice Christmas.
I pray that for you and your child.