caughthiminject

Hanging my head in shame to be back here. But here I am. He promised he wouldn't do drugs ever again. LMAO. Oh my god that's so hilarious. Things were okay for a while, even good again. Then he changed. Smoking pot. Daily. He says he's not injecting meth. I don't believe him. Even if it's "just pot", it's a daily thing. He's broke even though he works fulltime and makes an exceptional wage and lives with his mom so has no bills. Where's the money gone? Must have been drugs. No one could eat that much. He started vomiting violently whilst driving in the middle of the day. Pot? Me no think so! So much pot he's incoherent at night. I'm thinking injecting meth to make it to work in the morning.

I have to flush thousands of dollars in plane tickets down the toilet. But I can't go back to see him. He's obviously associating with his drug dealer. He's going to get himself killed or me killed or both of us in prison or something. Or I'm gonna wake up to him in a puddle of his own vomit with a needle sticking out of his arm.

I am just so sad. I just can't understand. What the hell is wrong with him? Drugs make you a loser, so hence the logic is to stop. Anorexia? Eat something. I don't understand. Spicy food gives me gas. I don't eat spicy food. Problem solved. Shooting meth can kill you and smoking so much pot has destroyed your brain. So stop. Problem solved. I just can't wrap my head around the inability to stop. He says I'm a freak of nature because I don't do drugs. Um okay. Well find yourself a girlfriend from prison then. Seriously?

Look, I don't care if people smoke pot. I'm not dating them. If you smoked it once a month or something and it didn't consume your entire life and use all of your money and make you a zombie, then perhaps it wouldn't be an issue. But when I find big black track marks in your arms, this is a problem.

Okay, thanks for letting me rant. He bought me a Christmas tree. I told him to shove it up his ass and make sure his dealer sells him enough meth to inject himself to death. Okay I might be a little angry. Christmas cheer is not in order. I should have been opening up presents with the man I love on Christmas morning. Not sitting alone.

blakemadison

Wow, I posted a pretty angry post last night too. If you knew my story I kept taking someone back over and over and over again over the last 7 months after being told he was clean, in therapy, etc. Well it always started again. I seriously had to put myself in therapy and one of the first things she asked me was "what did you love about him" and you know what? I had a hard time answering it in a way that made any sense. I realized that what I loved was the idea of what I wanted him to be, not what he really was. I know it's hard, I professed my undying love to this person for a long time, but now as I sit back and think about it, it's hard to really come up with what it is about him I loved. It's hard, but I had to look at myself and realize what I am grieving is not him and definitley not the way he treated me in active addiction, I am grieving what I wanted and longed for in my life. I hope you feel better. It's so hard to go through this.

cc88

When I was brought to the ER for fear of a heart attack during a fight with bulimia, my brother said the SAME thing to me on the way home from the hospital. Now I know the truth, he was shooting heroin the entire time. What a &*$%@# hypocrite.

Truth is, unless you've fought an addiction, trying to understand it is like me, a 23 year old newly married dude with no kids trying to understand the pain a mother feels having an addict child. It just isn't going to happen until i know it for myself. It'l just waste your time, energy, and emotion. I'd just call it what it is. They can't control their disease, yet they believe the lie that they can. they can only choose to kill the monster if they REALLY want it. and in my opinion, they only REALLY want it when they call you from detox saying "I got myself here on my own volition and I have 90 days clean" Short of that, its b.s.

Sorry you feel fooled. Its a feeling we all feel. You are completely justified in your anger and in not believing a word he says. If he's openly smoking weed, you're right. He's def using other drugs again.

hug.

suki44883

Sorry to hear you got back on the crazy train. I hope you'll stay off it now that you know he hasn't changed, isn't changing, and won't change until he is ready. You can't make him ready. I suggest you do some research on addiction. It's obvious you don't understand it if you think an addict can just put down the syringe and go on their merry way.

Hopefully, you will stop entertaining ideas that this guy is anything other than he is. He is an addict and he'll look you straight in the eye and lie his socks off. Don't spend any more money on plane tickets. He is not going to change.

You don't have to be alone. You have family and loved ones who care about you, so enjoy your holiday with them. You aren't the first person who got in over their head with an addict and you won't be the last. You'll get over it, but you have to cut the ties and let him go.

outtolunch

Sounds like your hopeful fantasy of the man you want/need him to be does not mesh with who he is. And somehow this is his fault?

He's an addict doing what addicts do. It's not personal. He's not using at or because of you. If love could snap an addict out of it, none of us would be here.

His brain has been chemically rewired to protect and sustain addiction at all costs. He's an addict doing what addicts do.

Take time to grieve the loss of your hopeful fantasy. You are worth so much more than anything this guy has to offer.

dollydo

He is an addict and doing what addicts do...what about you? Why have you gone back for more?

Perhaps it is time for you to work on you, there is a reason for your behavior.

Spending the holidays without him is not the end of the world. Enjoy your friends and family.

butterfligh

Dear Caught,

Don't "hang your head in shame to be back here." We are ALL struggling. Welcome back. I think the initial anger helps one to be strong enough to detach. Just do your best to maintain the detachment once it subsides...

Panda13

Don't feel stupid for coming back here. This site, forum, whatever is my new facebook and all of the advice I've received from has helped me immensely. (Not to mention I just signed up for this website earlier this week and I've posted about 4 times) So feeling stupid is the last thing you should be feeling.

I'm kinda in the same boat as you, wishing I was opening presents with the man I love. I just had to accept that's not gonna happen. I do feel better since I've accepted that fact but it's hard when I think about it.

I understand your anger right now, which you have every right to feel, but I hope you'll say a small prayer for him to be safe on the holidays. But first, pray for yourself and give yourself hope and strength to start the new year on a good note. Let your anger out, but remember to give yourself some credit and take care of your needs.

*hugs*

caughthiminject

I feel okay today. I made the final decision to throw away the plane ticket and have emailed his mom to let her know I will not be arriving. I can't bring myself to answer his texts or his calls. The phone has been going crazy but I just can't seem to bring myself to tell him anything. I just can't. I don't know what makes now different except that my dad almost died and was in hospital. I needed someone. Just to call and check on me, to show concern, to help me through a hard time. And he was too high to be there. My dad was dying and I was alone. I literally can't pack a bag and get on the plane. I just don't want to this time. I think I don't love him anymore. Usually I'm crying and sad and I've kind of been wondering all day why I'm not crying. Staying here in my big beautiful house that I own outright with my dogs, just so much better than going to his mom's basement to watch him do drugs. Having my maid bring me breakfast in bed and do all my housekeeping - better than me there washing his clothes and cooking and cleaning for him while he drinks beer. I just don't love him anymore. The thousands of dollars on tickets and presents can just go into the garbage. I don't care. Tomorrow's Christmas and I can do whatever I want in my beautiful resort town. If I was with him, I'd be at his family Christmas party watching him get drunk and his mother cry. I'd wake up to Boxing Day of him vomiting blood. Or even worse, maybe I'll find him shooting up again. I just can't answer that phone. I can't do it. Now that I don't want him anymore, he wants to get engaged. What for? You spent all your own money on drugs and beer, so now you want to get engaged so you can spend mine and come live in my house? I can't even break it off with him. I just can't talk to him at all. Maybe I'll break up via text on Christmas.

Seren

(((caught)))

I don't really think he needs an explanation, does he? He knows what his behavior has been and how things stand between you.

Enjoy your Christmas! Go out and take in all the holiday decorations....have a wonderful meal. Perhaps you could even turn off the phone?

Take good care of you this day!

caughthiminject

That's a good idea. I'm going to be home all day with my dogs because that's what I want to do. My parents can skype if there's an emergency. I will just turn the phone off. I don't feel like talking. I don't want to hear his lies or how sorry he is, or him telling me to **** off. I got more **** off texts this morning followed by I love you texts. There's no telling what I will have to endure if I answer the phone. He knows how I feel and he'll get the message when he drives to the airport tomorrow morning and I don't get off the plane. He still thinks I'm arriving at 7am tomorrow. hahaha

lesliej

do whatever you need to do to take care of yourself.

when I was angry I wanted to punish the addict. I know its a disease, and he suffers horribly from it, still I was angry that he wasn't doing what it took to protect his recovery...and thus, our relationship. the anger is just a sign, it is an emotional reaction that calls your attention...demands your attention. your anger is simply a sign for you, it is your inner spirit screaming out against what is happening...against the situation YOU have put YOURSELF in.

As much as the addict needs to hold themselves accountable and protect their recovery (which can be insanely difficult) so do we...the people who put ourselves back into harms way.

If you feel the need to "punish" re: a premeditated text on christmas...the punishing won't help. I know you are hurt, but your hurtful behaviors may just end up kind of injuring your own psyche/spirit.

You could consider just clearly communicating to him. Send him a simple text that you are done and do not want to speak. You could block his number after that. You could keep it simple, you could keep it clean. For yourself. After your anger clears...when you know you are done and your inner self does not need to scream anymore...and you gain clarity, you may just be happy or proud with yourself for handling this in an adult self respecting manner.

the "my maid serving me breakfast in bed" sounds a little scary, by the way, in my humble opinion...do you feel the need to let us know you don't need him because you are loaded? you are a worthy human being who deserves love. be gentle. be kind. learn from your dogs.

Hanna

I second lesliej's suggestion that you send one simple message to him or his mother - "I won't make it tomorrow. Take care" or something like that. It is the polite thing to do, and will probably reduce the drama.

Next, I would just try to focus on myself. We can question the pull of drugs, the behavior of addicts but our own behavior is all we can control. That means asking tough questions about why we do what we do, instead of worrying about everyone else's motives. You could start with asking why you feel shame - what is the purpose of that emotion in this situation? Personally, I think we have bad feelings for a reason - probably so we stop doing the things that hurt us and make us feel such unpleasant emotions.

Also, I would try to focus on doing positive things for myself. Honestly, breakfast in bed at this point doesn't seem like a good thing, more like wallowing in self pity. I do it sometimes, too but it never makes me feel anything but more depressed.

One thing to be grateful for is that instead of a sad, drama filled Christmas you can have a Christmas of peace - and a day 100% controlled by your own choices. That sounds much better to me than hanging out with some dude in his Mom's basement for the Holiday.