Holly21

My AS kept asking me to bail him out when i went to the jail tonight. I told him this was not going to happen. He does not want me visiting anymore. He says he will be on his own and that he will never come home again. I have made the worst decision of my life that is going to ruin his life. I told him amid my tears that he has to man up and face the consequences, change his attitude, and do his best in there. It was a terrible visit and I am heartsick but I do think I did what I needed to do. I only hope and pray that he will come around. God give me strength to get through this.

lonelystar

hi there holly,

i hear your pain im sorry your going through this, i can imagine how hard a decision that is to make, im not sure of what has been going on before this or what landed him in jail but dont be so hard on yourself jail is not the end of the world it seems there are darker and scarier places to be

lauren

Holly, you did not make the worst decision of your life by not bailing out your son. Emotional blackmail is very difficult when you are told that you are not wanted because you do not comply to your son's wants. Please understand that it took great courage and strength to give the most loving gift a parent can give to their child being that by his own choice he now has to live with the outcome whatever and however it happens.
You are tired and mentally weaken by this and need a time out, sometimes we need to look at it as a divine intervention so that we can get our perspective back and strength ourselves to see addiction and destruction as a choice that we did not make. We love our children and would never have introduced them to the lifestyle of hurt and UN-naturalness.
As a parent you aren't or were not equipped with the how to's of dealing with an addict..you were equipped with how to support, love and nurture a young one into adult hood. You build a foundation and show them how to expand on that foundation to complete the cycle of life.
I admire you for taking a stand and letting your son see the seriousness of his actions.
Give yourself this time to heal and honor his wish to not visit.
I understand your sadness, it is a hard road to travel and it takes a lot of stamina to follow through..

lauren

steelmagnolia

love goes out to you holly. i understand your pain in both your heart and your head. please allow yourself to know that you are doing the best possible thing for your son. you need to know this. please take this time away from him to be good to yourself. focus on you. you have given many many years of your life for this young man. it is time for him to...yes....man up. you told him exactly what you should have. take this time and discover who you are today. be kind and loving to yourself for a change. good luck and good love....mags

TitiEmily

Holly, you definitely have the strength to get through this, even though I know it is devastating and heartbreaking. But the fact that you are not bailing your son out now is demonstrating that you have enormous strength, the kind that I hope to have myself one day.

My son is also in jail. When he was arrested, he had already missed a court date to answer a violation of probation charge, and so the judge would not allow him to be bailed out. I am so thankful that the judge took this choice completely away from me, because I do not know if I would have had the wisdom or the strength to leave my son in jail, and that was definitely where he needed to be. Every time I spoke with him he talked about how much being in jail had opened his eyes and taught him a lesson, how he was a changed person, how he was so sorry for everything he had done, how he was never going to use drugs again because look at what they had done to him, etc. etc. etc.

He was lucky enough to get sent to residential drug treatment instead of serving time in jail. He lasted only three weeks before absconding. The SECOND he was back outside, he returned to all of his previous behaviors, including the drug use. I know the exact same thing would have happened if I had bailed him out of jail.

I do not know your son's story, but I know that, if you are choosing not to bail him out, then you have a good reason for doing so. He may be angry now, but I have faith that he will come around. It makes me think of my Naranon literature...to help your son right now, you don't have to DO anything, you have to BE something. You are being a loving, firm, mother, even in the midst of his anger and your heartbreak. You have my admiration, and one day, when he can see clearly, you will have his too.

Hugs to you. Stay strong. You are amazing and doing the right thing for your son.

outtolunch

See this for what it is. He's having a temper tantrum in the time- out corner of his life.

Accepting that we have no power/influence over our adult children is humbling stuff. Please know that you did not cause this. You cannot control this. You cannot cure this.

You gave him the the best gift, the gift of dignity to bear the consequences of his choices and crime.

Vale

"You gave him the the best gift, the gift of dignity to bear the consequences of his choices and crime."

-What a powerful statement outtolunch....-

thank you for it!

MsPINKAcres

Hate you are in pain, but I agree with outtolunch

although your son may never see it - you have given him a wonderful gift and opportunity - the ability to find his dignity and self-worth to find a better life for himself.

You have made wise and healthy choices for yourself - now you are allowing him to do the same thing. . . that is true healthy parental love . . .

My daughter is in jail as I type this ~ this is the 5th or 6th time - right now it is looking like she may have to serve 5 yrs for violation of her probation - she has been given constant opportunities to make healthier choices - she made them for a while & then she relapsed . . .

so the disease continues -

When they are at their worst - we need to be at our best -

Take good care of you and your recovery!
YOU deserve it!

PINK HUGS,
Rita

Hanna

I recently ruined someone's life too, by failing to continue supporting his addiction. Funny, I noticed the other day he's still posting on Facebook. Quack Quack.

You did the hardest thing, which is the absolute best thing for your son. I will keep him and you in my prayers.

ctg492

My deepest thoughts are with you. I am struggling with perhaps not taking a call from AS in Rehab and it hard, so I can only imagine what pain you are in. Be strong and know many are thinking of you.