kblock0401

Awhile back I shared that I had a hunch my husband had relapsed (again) but that he hadn't come out and admitted it and I was struggling with how to handle the situation. Well, that was a month ago. He did finally tell me the truth but I didn't ask him to leave. That was the first time he had ever come right out and told the truth on his own without being backed into a corner. Progress not perfection? Well he asked his sponsor to be his sponsor again and started going to meetings. He had almost 30 days clean until Monday. This time I asked him if he had used and he didn't fight it. He told me the truth and even knew that he had to leave. No dramatics, no excuses. Weird, huh?

He checked himself into a sober living house last night.

And yet...I'm ANGRY! Maybe the hormones (I also shared that I'm 6 mos pregnant.) Or maybe I'm just fed up with this ****. I am working my program, have a really good relationship with my sponsor but I'm exhausted. I'm starting to think maybe I want off this crazy train. I'm relived that he's out of the house and I don't want him coming back anytime soon. I'm going to seek counseling and I told him that if he can get 30 days clean then maybe he can come with me to counseling.

Being pregnant, working full time, raising my 5 year old from a previous relationship and having my husband in a sober living house less than a week before Christmas... yep it's a bit much.

I'm trying to see the silver lining...he's becoming more honest. Even if it is about relapses, that's a milestone compared to how things use to be. He also found this sober living house himself. The last time I asked him to leave he went to his parents house who enable the **** out of him. They do everything but go to the dope man for him and he knows it. That would have been the easiest thing to do but he didn't do that.

So do I keep holding out hope or am I wrong for questioning if I want to work on this anymore? I know that's something only I can answer for myself but it's not like I have a magic 8 ball... they say when you don't know what to do, do nothing.

Heartbroken0608

I think you can do both... Hold out hope while at the same time detaching from the craziness.

Read all the stickies at the top of this board, then read them again and again.

You and your unborn baby deserve peace and a happy, stable home. Let him prove to you that he can (or cannot) provide that.

((hugs))

Ann

I agree, we can live in hope, pray a lot and then find a better way to live each day without worry and resentment.

He sounds like he is trying hard, my prayers go out for him and I really hope this works. We have several members here who are not only recovering codies but also recovering addicts too, and they made it. Some do, some do not, and the timing is not ours to control.

Right now just taking care of yourself and your baby are the most important thing. Try to focus on that and let life unfold as it will.

Hugs

lesliej

no wonder you're exhausted...besides being pregnant you've got to deal with the "hunches" you feel, and then "struggling with how to handle them", you're making decisions about whether to ask your mate to leave or not, you're trying to power a lie detector station in your head, "questioning", hormones, despair, "anger", "crazy train"

so so so much energy and work! it is totally exhausting!! I've been there.

right now it sounds like a good situation to have...let him stay on in the SLE for awhile, you don't have to know your decision RIGHT now, right? It seems like just giving yourself some time, a nice healthy break from all the hunches, wondering, questioning, anger, frustration...is going to do wonders for your energy and your clarity!

I am amazed at what six weeks of freedom has done for me. boundaries intact, life...beautiful life filling in all around me, support, time, rest, peace...
just give yourself a nice L O N G break! please, let your mind body and soul take a rest for your baby's sake. turn it over...are you attending al anon? it is a gift...a spa for the soul

kblock0401

Thanks for the responses guys...

I've been doing good with not talking to him or seeing him. My sponsor thinks I need to ignore him through Christmas. She said he needs to stay at the sober living house. I'm really struggeling with this and she suggested I get other opinions. So what do you guys think? His mom is prepared to back me up not have him over either. Part of me understands where she's coming from and the other part of me thinks it's a little harsh considering he's doing the right thing here.

outtolunch

Checking in to a sober living house is not recovery.

kblock0401

Yes, I know checking into a sober living house is not recovery but it is progress. And I know ignoring him for a few days isn't gonig to create a drastic change, it's something that is gonig to take a lot of time. He didn't get sick over night and he isn't going to get better over night either. I've been working naranon for a year so I know those things but I am still finding it difficult to not see him on Christmas. I wonder if that's really necessary?

kblock0401

Well for not talking to him, my reasoning was to give myself a break. He used last Monday and I wanted to give us both a break and not focus on each other. In the past, he would focus more on me than recovery. This time he's respected that and hasn't tried any manipulation tactics. He isn't begging to come back or asking to come over.

As far as Christmas, my sponsor says it's "tough love." So yes I guess her thinking is that it's a consequence but I'm not sure I think it's necessary. I don't want to sound like someone who justifies bad behavior but isn't being kicked out of the house the consequence for his using? I mean...do we really need to shun him on Christmas even though he's doing the right thing? As long as he knows that after Sunday we are still living separate and not seeing/speaking to each other while he gets help I just don't see the harm in it...

kblock0401

Oh and no it's not to avoid and drama or chaos. Honestly, not having him there would cause more drama. His dad does not work a program and blames me for his being in a sober living house. He thinks I forced him to go there. So showing up without Adam might create drama. And also, my family is not accepting of his disease so I cannot share any details with them. Again, showing up without him might cause drama even though I can make up a crafty excuse. It almost seems like more of a headache to not have him.

Chino

Tough love is for us, not them. It's when we do the thing we don't want to do, for our own well being.

What is the right thing for you, that you don't want to do?

outtolunch

So having him home for Christmas sustains everyone's fantasy that life is good, eh?

From the way outside of this, looking in, the whole bunch sound very toxic.
Making excuses for addicts/alcoholics is Codependency 101.

The holidays are the perfect storm to rationalize our codependency. We have all been there/done that. The hangover is the killer.

kblock0401

I guess I don't see how avoiding him at Christmas is for my own well being as long as he's clean?

I don't want to see him in a sober living house-but I am.
I don't want to not see/talk to him on a daily basis-but I'm not.

kblock0401

I sent him a text message and asked his opinion. Waiting on a response...

lesliej

This neurosis that surrounds the 25th of December is crazy.

My ex is a little bummed out. His family is not swooping in to fly him home to them.
He is 49 years old. If he hadn't spent his money on drugs maybe he could fly himself home.
If he had a steady job, because he was living in recovery...maybe he could fly himself home..or maybe he would have a relationship with his children and see them here.

Maybe, if he hadn't repeatedly relapsed and disappeared, and lied about his using...and thus hurt me and our relationship and strained the relationships of those who support me...maybe they would want him to come over too...for the 25th of December, when we all gather, in our imperfections, and share company.

Having him here tells him that the using, the lying, the disappearance, the hurt...that it is all okay. Keep living in DENIAL!!!

I don't IGNORE him. I communicate...occasionally. If he really wants to hear my expectations of recovery he can contact me, but he already knows that.

I picture him hanging with other guys on the 25th in the sober house. They can exchange stories, share feelings. I am guessing maybe it will be helpful, therapeutic.
I am glad that I am not inviting him to put on the fantasy mask and show up.

Ignoring???

lilsue1997

He is sober as far as you know, doing the next right thing. How would his absence affect your son on Christmas? Maybe setting a specific time and limit for him to have Christmas with you(his family) may help things? Just keep the conversation steered toward your child as he opens gifts from you and your hubby? I just hate to have the child suffer for the fathers mistakes. Just my opinion

lesliej

Broken promises.
Broken families.
Broken holidays.

Consequences of drug use/abuse/addiction.
If you want to pretend it is okay...and thus avoid the reality "drama" if you want to call it that, then go ahead and pretend for another day.

This is the reality. Just let it be. Sometimes accepting the reality is part of the first steps toward healing.

kblock0401

His sponsor didn't offer much help. He just said he can't really tell me what to do but to "follow my heart" which is ****** advice if you ask me. I don't know what I'm going to do yet but thankfully I don't need to make a decision today or even tomorrow.

I should have made this more clear earlier when I was talking about avoiding drama with my family. I am not trying to pretend everything is okay or make excuses for my addict. However, my mom is kind of nuts. She has a very close relationship with my ex (my son's dad) and she hates Adam. She would make my life a living nightmare if I shared any details about Adam. She is one of those close minded people who do not believe that addiction is a disease and that they can just quit if they want to. I also do not share many details with my son's dad but he is a little more understanding than my mom. When I said I could come up with crafty excuses, I mean that I would have to make up a reason as to why Adam was not there on Christmas. My mom loves opportunites to judge, ridicule, etc. She also pokes fun at naranon and the like so for my own mental health I avoid the subject with her.

I am NOT expecting any miracles or changes in his behavior. I don't have any hopes or fantasies about Christmas. I simply do not see the harm in seeing my husband on Christmas. The sober living house he's in is very lenient. He and his room mates can come and go. They just have a curfew, chores, house rules, etc. I also don't think seeing him on Christmas means everything is okay for a day.

Lilsue- my thoughts are on the same page as yours. Setting boundaries for the day was what I had in mind too.

lesliej

well, there you go.

TiredandSpent

How'd it turn out?

phillyds

I was the same way about Christmas. Ever year for the past four years there was a reason that my addict was not with me on Christmas and it became a dreadful day. He was in a recovery house or was out on a few day run. Always something and it made me miserable. Two weeks ago it happened again. I found out that when he is out there getting high and not coming home he is also with another woman. So, I was back on the Christmas thing. What will his mom think? What will my family think? Do I want to spend another Christmas alone. Then I read something that sooooo much sense.

He is gone Friday and Saturday we can deal with it but because Sunday is "Christmas" it becomes something totally different. Who said that Christmas is a day for couples? We do when we are faced with not being with them that day. What do we gain by putting so much emotion into this day. It makes us ignore everything else because it is "Christmas". We cause this chaos within ourselves.

I love this article, read it over and over and was fine with the fact that he would not be here for Christmas. Ironically for the first time in four years he was here for the family (probably to give them the impression that everything was fine) he made dinner and went to work. It made me no difference because I changed my thinking about how much I would let one day effect my emotions. I am in the same place that I was yesterday, dealing with a lying, cheating addict. Christmas did not change a thing,