Treading New Waters

Old 12-21-2011, 05:28 AM
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Treading New Waters

Hello SR Family,

Just to update:
My 2 AS is living with me, one is going to a Mental Health Clinic, the other is doing nothing but being obnoxious. They both get up and begin their day with energy drinks. My house is a mess, my threats to clean up do not work.

I also have an AD with her child (grandson) that comes home every other week b/c she has 50/50 custody and he is enrolled in school here. It doesn't matter how chaotic it is here, she shows up with him, probably due to the child support that she would not get if she did not have him with her.

I have recently gone to a very dark place in my mind. No, I did not contemplate suicide, but understood where someone needs to be to do it.

It is in this dark place that I let go and let God. I surrendered all to him because I had nothing left inside of me. There was no fight.

I reached out and began contacting friends, reading and FINALLY went to my first appt with a counselor. After discussing my situation, it became crystal clear that I cannot hold on to the maddness anymore....I cannot save them. There is just not enough of me to do that.

So, I've decided my goal in the near future is to live alone. I have Plan A and PLan B which I have related to my ACs:

Plan A - Give them the therapist card, tell them to make an appt and we will all eventually do Family Therapy. They must all agree or leave (I have threatened/thrown them out, but to no avail).
Plan B - Put my house up for sale. I have but few good memories here and they seem to think it will always be their home, since their father died.

THE END RESULTS WOULD BE THE SAME, NO MATTER WHAT...I LIVE ALONE.

It took no more than 60 seconds to deliver the message to them. I wanted no discussion, nor did I want to hear their comments.

One thing the therapist said was I love my ACs with a Mother's love and I will be sad. I guess I just kept wanting to avoid the sadness, but it is liberating that at 57 yrs old (young?), I can actually plan out the rest of my life without having this heavy weight bringing me down.



I'm asking for support and would like to hear from parents who have been there/done that. I've read a recent post on similar and it strengthens my will to get this done.

Huggs to all
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Old 12-21-2011, 06:07 AM
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I get strenght from reading posts like yours. You have strenght and I wish you luck.
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Old 12-21-2011, 07:46 AM
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Hope2B: You are treading on new and vulnerable waters. My experience as a parent who decided not to have my AS live with me is that it was absolutely the right thing to do for me and for my AS. But things are not smooth-sailing after that. My son put up resistance, mainly with guilt. I really had to come here a lot, go to meetings a lot, pray a lot, read a lot. I found the book "The Lost Years" to be very helpful. (If you google it, there are two books with that name - the one I mean is the one where the recovering AD and mother co-author the book). And 5 years later I still have to keep my 12-step connection because holidays are hard, his birthdays are hard, his crises are hard. Being the mom of an addict is not for weenies.

Good for you, mom, and keep coming back!
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Old 12-21-2011, 08:53 AM
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On January 1, 1979 my family held what was an intervention back then. I was told in no uncertain terms that I HAD A PROBLEM. That I had to FIX that problem and until I did, there would be NO MORE BAIL OUTS, NO MORE STAYING AT THEIR HOMES, if I came to their door it would be shut in my face, if I called them on the phone they would hang up, and if I stole from them they would call the police.

It took me another 2 1/2 years to find recovery, and the last 1 1/2 years I lived on the streets of Hollywood.

It was THE BEST THING MY PARENTS and FAMILY EVER DID FOR ME!! I was 33 1/2 years old, and 3 weeks shy of my 36th birthday when I found recovery.

I am glad you are seeing a therapist, and please continue to post here. You might also like to try some Naranon or Alanon FOR YOU. I mention Alanon, because many times there are a lot more meetings of Alanon than Naranon, and some areas do not even have Naranon yet. You will be welcomed by folks who have gone through or are going through what you are.

Also, please continue to post and let us know how YOU are doing. We are walking with you in spirit!!!!!

Love and hugs,
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Old 12-21-2011, 10:07 AM
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what a loving gift you are giving your family!

You are giving them the ability to find their dignity, self-love and self-respect to get themselves in a recovery program and find a healthier way of life ~

Doing the same thing over and over again and expecting different results is INSANITY ~

YOU want something different you have to do something different!
You have taken that leap!
How brave!

It won't be easy and there will probably be many tears and painful words said by them to try to manipulate you ~ be strong - remember you are doing what is best for YOU & for them!

PINK HUGS,
Rita
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Old 12-21-2011, 04:41 PM
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hugs to you. i know this is hard but i can see u want to do this. it will b so much of a better life for you. you have finally said "i have got to take care of me." that is such a good thing. your children will always b your children reguardless of how they behave.
my a.s. has grown so much since he realized he faces the consequence of his actions.
i wish i had found this site when he first started drugs. we both would have been better off. the 3 c's are i did not Cause it, i can not Control it, & i can not Cure it. when i learned this i was able to set rules & stick to them. i was ready to help myself. prayers going up for u & your children.. God bless you,
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Old 12-21-2011, 11:07 PM
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what about a plan C? they move out now...because it is time they leave the nest...and then, if it works out you can still go to therapy.

how old are they? are they paying rent? are they paying for maid service?

if they are being taken care of and coddled and enabled then the household is dysfunctional and unhealthy for everyone concerned because it isn't fair for you to be in that role, it is unhealthy for you and for them too!

it's time for a change to stir up the dust!
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Old 12-22-2011, 04:02 AM
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Thanks for all the support, encouragement, for this is not easy for a full time Codie! It's very hard to step back from all of the controlling that I have done and let them take a fall.

LeslieJ: No, they do not pay rent or anything. My home has been a circus and revolving door. They no longer have transportation, through their own bad decisions. I realize that I should have never, ever let it get this bad for ME, but I can't look back. I'm working on forgiving myself for letting things get out of hand, as it is now.


It has been so hard for me to let go of the "family dream". That is why I just can't throw them out at this point....too close to Christmas. I am claiming the year 2012 as my freedom year and hopefully, theirs too.

I know there are a lot of parents out there who have been through this. It's very agonizing to know that I will be the one to set the catalyst in motion for their pain. However, the choice of continuing like this leaves no room for growth on their part and no peace for me.

I'm sad today, and maybe that's where I have to be. I lay my heavy heart at the foot of the cross and pray once more to let go and let God.

Huggs to all,
Hope
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Old 12-22-2011, 07:58 AM
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It's very agonizing to know that I will be the one to set the catalyst in motion for their pain.
NO NO NO. You are not the 'catalyst'.

THEY ARE.

They are the ones that have CHOSEN to continue to use. THEIR ACTIONS, THEIR CONSEQUENCES.

You didn't Cause this.

You can't Control this.

You can't Cure this.

The onus for everything that is happening and will happen to them is DIRECTLY ON THEIR OWN SHOULDERS.

J M H O

Love and hugs,
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Old 12-22-2011, 09:24 AM
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Originally Posted by laurie6781 View Post
NO NO NO. You are not the 'catalyst'.

THEY ARE.

,
Thanks for reminding me of that Laurie. Of course I'm not the catalyst!


I do appreciate all insights and chew on them. I have fouled myself for a long time that I was responsible for all of their outcomes, since I am their Mother. I still feel sad when I think of the manner in which it has to end. No matter - I will feel what I need to feel and move on (easier said than done, but determined).

I know it's time I let go and let them grow up.
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Old 12-22-2011, 01:15 PM
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the christmas fantasy thing is really a handicap in the world of recovery

I even found myself thinking maybe I should invite my recent ex ABF over for the holidays...out of "compassion" and "welcoming", and "open heartedness"...etc

then I realized that when he is using (has been using/is just recently back from a binge episode) and I decide to behave in those ways that for me are beautiful... then I am being compassionate, welcoming, and open hearted to the DISEASE of ADDICTION

I would be giving "it" a warm cheerful place amidst my loved ones to pretend like "it" is okay, like "it" deserves a groovy little holiday season...the addiction would get "its" belly full of holiday treats and say to the man I love "see...crack isn't bad...they all still love you even when you use! why bother quitting?! Why bother doing the really hard work it takes to really get recovery...

that man needs to spend some serious time seeking out recovery...and spending xmas in his reality...meaning where he is REALLY at versus some xmas cheer borrowed from someone else's life...is some serious time for reflection. this is the first year I think where his well off family is not footing the bill for him to travel home, and I am not inviting him in.

I will not have my compassion, hospitality, and open heart turned into enabling an addict to continue believing "everything is ok"

I am so thankful that his family is not rushing in to save his holiday

maybe this xmas...without the fantasy...will give him a clearer picture of where his choices in addiction have landed him. what a truly great gift that would be...clarity, if even for a moment.
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Old 12-22-2011, 05:06 PM
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hi hope,

im just about where you are right now, right before my son left for rehab he was about to be thrown out of the house, we gave him a choice he took rehab , but I do not want him back in my house, I just have this strong feeling that if i dont get away from him and him from us if i dont let go and he doesnt grow up it will all just get much much worse than where we are at now, my son is about to turn 21 , hell at 21 i had two children to take care of and my son cant hold down a job, ive decided and he agrees a job is waiting for him when he gets out , i will help him find an apt and pay the first months rent just to get him on his feet, and what happens from there will be his own doing , honestly im tired of his problems being my problems let him figure it out . Im having much opposition to this plan of from family but i dont care what they think , Im giving this child of mine an opportunity a chance to learn something from rehab a job and a place to live and consequenses to face all on his own i feel like this is his last chance either way hewould have been out on the street kicked out of the house , i dont want to control him i want him to learn on his own , stay true to your feelings go with what feels right for you
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Old 12-22-2011, 06:30 PM
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My 21 year old AS went to rehab twice (90-day programs) and did well. He always gets praised for his leadership, his personality, his manners, his willingness to help out, etc.

After the first rehab my ex husband and I paid for an apartment for him so he could go to community college full time. He made it one semester, then relapsed. I let him move back into my house, supposedly to get a job and work for a while (with the usual promises that he would go to meetings, work a program, etc.). Six months later, he went to rehab again. Same story -- did really well...then he went to sober living and got a part time job. Now he has relapsed again. My ex and I have now cut him off both financially and emotionally.

My point is, even if an A goes to rehab and seems to be doing well, you can't let your guard down, and need to draw hard boundaries. I had to learn the hard way. I love my son immensely, and he is a wonderful kid in many respects...but he still hasn't "gotten" it yet -- that it's not just abstinence, but recovery that he needs to pursue. If he decides to do that, it will be his choice, not because his Mom and Dad pressured him into it.
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Old 12-22-2011, 09:23 PM
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Lonelystar...
"I've decided and he agrees a job is waiting for him when he gets out , i will help him find an apt and pay the first months rent"

that still sounds very involved. job. house. rent money.
talk to the counselor at the rehab
it might be time to just let him go...you're already ready to just pick right back up again the minute he gets out of rehab why are "you deciding" about a job for him

let go.
let rehab do their job
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Old 12-23-2011, 09:04 AM
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Originally Posted by lesliej View Post
that still sounds very involved. job. house. rent money.
talk to the counselor at the rehab
it might be time to just let him go...you're already ready to just pick right back up again the minute he gets out of rehab why are "you deciding" about a job for him

let go.
let rehab do their job
Leslie, your words are hard to swallow(gulp), but the truth rings out so loud.

I too, keep thinking how am I going to let them go out into the world with nothing more than what they can carry.

Labor pains were easier than letting go
Hope
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Old 12-23-2011, 03:16 PM
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Lonely, I have to say that you are still attempting to control his life, if you do this, I'll do that. You have given your son every opportunity and he has chosen to fail.

It is of coarse your choice, however, to me, you are on the wrong path..red flags are waving everywhere....sure hope that what you want to happen works out...for you.
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Old 12-23-2011, 07:21 PM
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reading my own post i can sense the control part in me but the thing is this , when he gets out of rehab i dont want him living with in our home anymore, there are alot of other reasons besides the drug use for which he can no longer stay , his relationship with his father being one, he feels like we suffocate him being 2 and a whole bunch of other issues,so in a last effort im offering him this, id like to know what is wrong with trying to help someone out if they are willing to try even if it is an addict, I have made the agreement of paying the first months rent and the job opportunity just came up for him. I feel he needs to see for himself if he uses drugs what the consequnces will be , example he might loose the job not be able to pay rent etc...., im letting him go in a sense which is what he wants , just because im offering to help out in the beginning i plan to stick to my agreement as to that is as far as the help will go. oh and sorry for hijacking the thread here but thanks for the comments maybe i am missing something here
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Old 12-23-2011, 08:01 PM
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maybe i am missing something here
Yes you are lonelystar. You are depriving him his obligation to do this for himself. He can find a sober living house with his counselor's help. He can then struggle to find a job like EVERYBODY ELSE. He is in this situation because of his ACTIONS. Please, please allow him to FEEL THE CONSEQUENCES of those ACTIONS to the fullest.

Allow him to take on his OWN RESPONSIBILITY.

That is a big PART of RECOVERY.

Believe me, for I have done it, the A in honest recovery can and will find a place to live (Sober Living Environment) and a job. You are free to tell him at any time that you have changed your mind and he will need to look for a SLE with the help of his counselor.

Read my first post on this thread. I had no help. I didn't even call them until I was over 6 months sober to let them know I was sober, and it took almost 3 years to be invited back into the family on a 'limited' basis, while they formed their own opinions on whether I was 'sober' and 'recovering.'

Love and hugs,
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Old 12-23-2011, 08:03 PM
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Lonelystar,

I had the same thoughts at first. I told my son I would pay his first month in an apartment to help him get on his feet. I then changed my mind. What if he spent that month using drugs? I would have then been directly responsible for giving him a comfy place to do so. my situation was different in that my son was not in rehab, but I think my thinking was the same... Give him the chance to live on his own and do the right thing. It would also have given me the peace of mind of knowing he had a safe place to live. The more I thought about it the more I realized a lot of my motivation was for my peace of mind, not that it was neccesarilly the best thing for him.

When someone comes out of rehab their real challenge is just beginning as they have to learn to live in the "real world" without the crutch of drug use which is all they've known. Might your son be better off in a sober living environment where he will have others around him who are also working on recovery and where there are rules in place to hold him accountable for his recovery? You could offer to pay for a few weeks if you feel you must help, but places like this are designed to teach them to live independently and to take responsibility for their own lives. He'd be able to work and start living his life but would have the support he's going to need in the transition from rehab to independence.

This situation is so hard. As mothers we want to protect our children and make sure they're safe. The more I read and learn the more I realize that in the long run the best thing I can do for my son is to step back and let him learn that his life is his responsibility, otherwise he will always be dependent on me. He doesn't want that and neither do I. My sons life is not easy right now, but he's making the best decisions he's ever made and he's doing so because I made it clear I was no longer going to cushion his fall. It hurts to see him uncomfortable.. More than I can describe.. But I know it's the path he needs to take and I can clearly see that this process is slowly turning him into an adult! A few months ago I didn't think that was something that would happen.
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