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Ending A Relationship With An Addict, But Still Wanting To Help Them

Old 12-20-2011, 05:24 PM
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Ending A Relationship With An Addict, But Still Wanting To Help Them

Ending a long term relationship is never easy for anyone. After finding out my boyfriend had relapsed I didn't know what to think or feel. He came over to my place to talk about everything but it was him trying to justify his relapsing. When I asked him if he wants to be sober and healthy, he never gave me a flat out yes or no. He kept talking in circles about the things he wanted and how he wants to be sober (non of which made any sense nor had to do with him being sober) and it became aggravating.

When I woke up today I wasn't sure on how to go about my day. He called me and didn't have anything new to say. I then asked him again if he wanted to be sober and live healthy, again not getting a flat out yes or no. It finally clicked that he'll never want to be sober and I have to start taking care of myself instead of him for a change. I can't be with someone that can't take care of them self. Not to mention he didn't have much of a reaction to me ending the relationship.

Although I've been trying to forget about ending my 4 1/2 year relationship by sleeping for most of the day, I'm feeling ok. As sad as I am about the relationship being over and him making it clear that he's not ready to be sober, I'm just wondering where to go from here? A part of me wants to be there for him but the other part thinks that having no contact will help him. What am I supposed to do? How do I move on worrying about him and wondering if there is anything I can or supposed to do?

I'm new here and so far I've appreciated reading other stories and receiving advice. Any input is always appreciated.
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Old 12-20-2011, 05:43 PM
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Dear Panda,

Isn't it sad that after 4 1/2 years, he didn't have much of a reaction to your ending the relationship? I suppose it's because his addiction is more important than anything, including you. I know that sounds harsh, but it's true.

I have been dealing with my son's addiction for 5 years. I recently joined this forum and started going to Al-Anon because I finally got it through my head that I cannot fix him, and that even as close as we are (or used to be), his addiction is his priority. I have now decided to have No Contact with him, and that has been going on for almost a month. It was incredibly hard at first, but it's getting better. I feel that I am reclaiming my life.

I have also been in a relationship with an alcoholic, though thankfully it wasn't for that long. He was a fantastic guy, and when he wasn't drinking we were fantastic together. However, he has demons that he is dealing with that are deep-seated, and he drinks...I cannot be part of that. So I ended it.

I will always be involved in my son's life to some extent...but with a lover, I won't. My advice is for you to cut all ties with your boyfriend and concentrate on building a new life for yourself. Get out with friends, read, exercise, volunteer, etc., and date when you are ready. But as part of being ready, try to determine why you put up with your boyfriend's behavior for 4 1/2 years, so you hopefully will not get drawn into a similar situation.

Just my opinion...

Best, Susan
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Old 12-20-2011, 06:04 PM
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Thank you for your honesty. That's what I need after all of the lies I endured. This Forum is already helping me get through everything.
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Old 12-20-2011, 07:02 PM
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welcome to S.R. what makes u think u can help him now you could not do it in 41/2 yrs? you have not been helping him you have been enableing him. he has told u to help yourself & that is my advice. work your recovery & detach from him. i do not mean to be to the point but there is a good life out there for u.. read around at all the post & the stickys at the top of the forum. prayers for you,
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Old 12-20-2011, 08:40 PM
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hi Panda,
you may find your process of detaching from this person in your life difficult...or maybe you will just cut and be done. it is up to you and how you move forward...chances are it is going to be difficult for you. if you find it to be difficult to let go and move on it is because you are not dealing with a "normal" relationship or breakup...whatever normal is, it's always hard, but it is entirely confusing when addiction is in the cards

I should correct that and say it is absolutely insanely crazy making confusing IF IF IF you try to figure it out! active addiction includes manipulative twisting, talking in circles, lying, etc etc. I can pretty much guarantee you that you will not discover anything that makes sense, except for excuses.

if it is difficult for you (vs. simply and solidly detaching with love...) you will really and truly benefit by giving yourself the support you will find here but also at face to face meetings. so important to have support. you will need to be reminded that you are dealing with the insanity of addiction.

simple
the total insanity of addiction
that insanity trumps everything...everything
free yourself in whatever way works for you
detach from the insanity in the million ways you will find it can connect to you
just keep detaching
get help figuring out how.
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Old 12-21-2011, 02:34 PM
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I would say if I could take back the last year of my life of trying to help my addicted ex boyfriend, I would. I would never make the same choices again, which was to continue to try and "help him" which meant taking him back, putting up with lies, manipulation, etc etc etc. It just basically messed up my head. I finally was able to block him, cut off all contact and feel a little better. I wish I would have done it a year ago. It's going to be difficult for you to detach, but it is the best thing for you.
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Old 12-21-2011, 07:26 PM
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understanding

I can totally understand where your coming from. I'm pretty much right in the same spot but I have four little girls to think about. My husband and I have been together for 7 years and I can honestly say I have caought him using once every year he has never gone more then 6 months with out using. The horrbile part is I knew everytime he did it. we would argue , I would cry and plead my case and he would repeat his the same things. it was like a play stuck in repeat. at first he owuld act like I was crazy and paranoid. he would delete anything that he thought would be anything to tip me off, and thats when i would know. I love my husband and I know every line every movement of his face I know by looking and listening to his words when he has used. I'm lost, I dont want to be his reason for using, even though I know in my heart he doesnt need a reason to use, he just needs the opportunity. I have debated leaving over and over and over. But his parents keep talking me out of it. They have been here before he has been in rehab, I thought they woulkd know what I should do to help him. Now I honestly feel if I dont take our children and leave he will never understand what he has done. He is an only child and has had everything handed to him. And he is 32 years old and still feels he deserves to keep it that way.

My question is should I go? should I force him to feel the bottom? He admitted to using this time, but in my head he is saying the same things a new way. making excues defending the use. My mother says that might just push him and give him a reason to use. He does not know how to handle the hardships of life he wasnt taught how to deal with life.


What do I do now? where do I go? he loves our children and is a wonderful dad and they love him, but I havent trusted him in so long I'm afraid of how he will react.
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Old 12-21-2011, 07:51 PM
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You have so much to think and deal with. In my situation, it became clear that my now ex-bf doesn't want to be sober and there was nothing I can do about that. He made excuses for his using and I had enough of it. It seems like the men we love and hurt us in return have had everything handed to them and we feel this need to take care of them. I'm starting to see that walking away and starting to take care of myself was the best thing I had to do. He started to see that he needed to take care of himself before being with me and all I can say is that I hope he wants to get help and stay sober.

Hang in there hun and think about what it is that you want and what's best for you and your kids. I'll say a prayer for you and keep you in my thoughts.
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Old 12-21-2011, 09:46 PM
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You're afraid of how he'll react?

I've been there with my son, I continued enabling because I was afraid of his reaction if I put my foot down and forced him to deal with his own life. I finally did though and ya know what? It wasn't as horrible as I thought it would be. Tonight he made an adult, responsible decision and I know the only reason he did so is because I refused to give him the comfy cushion to land on as I've always done in the past.

Give your husband the dignity of dealing with the consequences of his bad choices. Someone who spends his children's food money and baby's formula money on drugs is not a "loving" dad no matter how you look at it. He's only doing these things because he knows you are there to cover for his misdeeds.

The most loving thing you can do is "help" him reach his bottom by showing him what he loses by choosing drugs over his family. Nothing changes if nothing changes...

Best wishes to you. Keep the best interest of those precious babies foremost in any decision you make!
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