Need some reminders on not enabling...
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Nov 2011
Posts: 227
Need some reminders on not enabling...
I just found out my son has been kicked out of the place he was staying. That means I'll probably be getting some collect calls very shortly begging for "help". I need some encouragement and reminders that I am doing the right thing. It's just goes against every fiber of being a parent to tell your child "too bad, live on the streets" even though I know it is his decisions that put him in the position he is in.
Actually phone calls might be the least of my worries... It feels like my blood pressure must be about 300/200. Trying to breathe...
Actually phone calls might be the least of my worries... It feels like my blood pressure must be about 300/200. Trying to breathe...
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Join Date: Feb 2011
Location: Up and onwards... :)
Posts: 274
Someone here just posted that her AH died yesterday from an overdose...
All of us who have addicted loved ones live with this fear in our lives but really, it is out of our hands as to what their fate will be. We may prolong their lives by enabling them, but at what cost to our mental and physical health?
I too am waiting for 'the call'. Either from my separated AH to try to get more $ or 'his stuff' (to sell for drugs) from me, or from the police. It's these types of fears that we all have to let go and let God... otherwise we will go nuts.
If you have a friend nearby, maybe go out for a brief walk with him/her to get some fresh air... try to clear your mind from the clutters of "what ifs" --- and then go home and distract yourself with things just for you.
I know i know... easy to say, but I've had to do this kind of thing and it does work if we put a true effort into it. My mind still wanders sometimes to the negative, but then I just say "letting go... letting God." and keep saying that until I know that I cannot DO anything that will make it all better for him. I (and we) can do things to make it better for us tho!
My thoughts are with you tonight. I hope it will eventually be peaceful and you get a good night's sleep.
Hugs,
All of us who have addicted loved ones live with this fear in our lives but really, it is out of our hands as to what their fate will be. We may prolong their lives by enabling them, but at what cost to our mental and physical health?
I too am waiting for 'the call'. Either from my separated AH to try to get more $ or 'his stuff' (to sell for drugs) from me, or from the police. It's these types of fears that we all have to let go and let God... otherwise we will go nuts.
If you have a friend nearby, maybe go out for a brief walk with him/her to get some fresh air... try to clear your mind from the clutters of "what ifs" --- and then go home and distract yourself with things just for you.
I know i know... easy to say, but I've had to do this kind of thing and it does work if we put a true effort into it. My mind still wanders sometimes to the negative, but then I just say "letting go... letting God." and keep saying that until I know that I cannot DO anything that will make it all better for him. I (and we) can do things to make it better for us tho!
My thoughts are with you tonight. I hope it will eventually be peaceful and you get a good night's sleep.
Hugs,
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Nov 2011
Posts: 227
It's after 11 and about 20 degrees here so no walk for me! But I did stick my head outside and took a few deep breaths of the brisk air, it helped. I think I'm going to shut my phone off and go to bed. There is nothing I can do about the situation and I need some sleep for work tomorrow. I took my blood pressure and learned I am not dying.. Just a little crazy I guess but I can live with that. Letting go and letting God and remembering that where there is breathe there is hope.
Member
Join Date: Oct 2011
Posts: 115
No one gets kicked out of their place because they are on the right track! letting him stay at your place will not get him on the right track. all it will do is suck you into his chaos. i am sure as a parent it goes against all those parental inclinations, and i have no words of wisdom to change that. he had a place to stay and got himself kicked out - let him live those consequences. you are doing the right thing!
I'm no angel!
Join Date: May 2005
Location: tampa, fl
Posts: 6,728
I keep reminding myself that "No" is a complete sentence thus I do not need to engage or expound on the reasoning behind my decision. Seems the more I would engage, the more likely I was to enable. Works for me.
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Nov 2011
Posts: 227
This was originally posted by Cynical One.. I've read it about 5 times already this morning :-) Thought I'd post it again in case it can help someone else:
Get out of God's way! Stop enabling the ones you love!
~CIC
Do you have someone in your life who seems to always teeter on the edge of trouble? Someone you love very much, yet you seem to be at a loss as far as "helping them" is concerned?
Are they continuously caught in a trap of their own making? Are you finding yourself following behind them, attempting to clean up their messes and wondering how their mess became your own?
If you can relate to the above, then this article may save you future pain and heartache.
This writing applies to anyone who's loved one is trapped by an out of control lifestyle.
Enabling ends up hurting those we enable much more than it does us. We are thinking we're helping those we love when what we're really becoming to them is a crutch. A sorry stand in for a life of making responsible decisions and taking positive actions. They become addicted to our help. In the end they cannot function without us propping them up. If we attempt at any time to withdraw our enabling behaviors, they will squall like babies and then we truly find we have a mess on our hands.
As time goes by I meet more and more people who have little or no control over the most important areas of their lives. This chaos that many live under seems to know no boundaries. At one point in my life, I was a chronic enabler of many. I was one of those people that others looked to in order to depend on. But you see, I lost "myself" due to my constant catering to and problem solving all in the name of "others" that was going on. Many times in my past, before God straightened me out, I would complain about my life and many times was heard to say "I don't have a life".
Have any of you made a statement like that?
Looking back on those times, it was true. I did not have a life. But one thing I always failed to see was whose fault it was that I didn't. It was my own, that's what I had to realize, and in time I did.
By the time I had come to this realization, I would be totally burned out from the hours spent worrying or doing for others. Precious time that I could not get back. But do not think that those I was doing for lost a night of sleep over me. They would, in the end and much to my distress, still be living the destructive and dangerous lives they had for many years. My actions and help did not change them, did not help them, if anything it had made them worse.
I would pray for people who were trapped by the nets of their own making and nothing - not even prayer seemed to help them. I struggled to look at myself and learn if there was something I was leaving out, something I'd neglected doing for or saying to them.
It was then that I heard as plainly as I can explain to you now..
"What aren't you doing for them"? The answer? NOTHING
I had been available to them in every way imaginable. If he or she needed money, I was their bank. If they needed a baby sitter while they went out to paint the town red and maybe even get into a little mischief, I was their nanny. If I had important plans, they were all gone at the drop of a hat if I was called on to "help out" those who could never manage to help themselves. There was no limit to my helping.
Gradually I got worn down and discouraged. I could not say NO to them when they called on me for my help. Like so many others who are enablers, I was blinded by my love and concern for them. I had never once stopped for a second to realize that by my helping, I was prolonging that inevitable area of their lives that they had to get fixed.
The part where they must take responsibility for their own actions and their own life.
I couldn't see that no matter what I was able to do for them, that in the end, they would have to face responsibility and make choices themselves without me near them, without me giving them advice, handouts,etc.
One very important will that God has for all of our lives is that of being a responsible and mature adult. And I had been blocking God's will for the ones I was constantly enabling. This leads me to relate a very painful fact of life-----it's your life, God gave you only one, and it's far too short for us to scramble around "enabling" those who have chosen to lead a destructive lifestyle. Life is too short on this earth for you to be concentrating every fiber of energy you have on those who haven't hit rock bottom yet.
What is rock bottom? It is the place that all of us will arrive at if we continue to buck against what is Godly and Holy.
It is being in the "gutter" without anyone to call out to and to help us except God himself. The prodigal son went there to this place I speak of and was the better for having arrived there. I have been there. If one continues in sin, they will understand what Rock Bottom is. But only if they are absent of the enabler in their life.
We often feel "sorry"" for those we are enabling. I was one of these. I know what I am talking about. I thought on this : If I was leading a destructive life - a life in which I shirked responsibilities and did nothing to help myself but relied on everyone else to take care of me, would I expect to gain the sympathies of others? NO Would I expect it ? NEVER
Get out of God's way
It was during an especially painful run in with a friend who had gotten himself in financial trouble that I finally realized the truth. The more we bail people out of their problems and tragic situations, the longer it takes for them to change.
If you had the choice between a get out of jail free card or a two year jail term, which one would you choose?
The truth is that if you want to play, *lead a destructive and dangerous lifestyle* then you have to pay. Consequences are harsh , yet how many are not willing to pay the consequences for their selfish and destructive actions?
Many People who are still leading destructively selfish lifestyles are only continuing in them because they are not allowed to hit rock bottom. They have not had to face the consequences of their actions. They have not had to face the consequences of the sad life they have led. They are not allowed to get down in the muck and mire and face what they and their life has become due to their own wrong and selfish choices. Others are never forced to stop due to their alternative options plan (the enabler in their life). In essence, they are still being given the option of that get out of jail free card by someone - And who offers it? Their "enabler" does every time they choose to bail them out of their latest "mess".
Love
It is simply because we do love them that we must choose to stop enabling them, We must allow them to grow up and be responsible for their own lives and actions.
Chronic enabling only lengthens the time that the destructive person stays in his current messy situation.
If and when you decide to stop aiding in their prolonged agony by enabling them, your loved one will swear that you never loved them. They will say you are the most selfish person on earth. A little ironic isn't it? You and I, the very ones who have been unselfish and catering to their every whim and THEY now characterize US as selfish. Don't be astonished at this. All they've been used to is how you've catered to their desires and needs. They have known nothing else from you. They have known no other side of you other than this one they've been used to for so long. It is just like a little child who wants something, you hold it back from him and he throws a tantrum.
Managing their own lives
What you can't see right now is what will become of them after they've stepped up to the task of managing their own life. It's always tough to think of ourselves while a loved one is going through pain, We feel like we are not worthy to say NO to anyone except ourselves. I know this was true for me. I felt I was expendable when it came down to doing for me or for others.
It is essential that you stop enabling those who refuse to take responsibility for their own lives, God cannot do for them while you have your hands in matters that can only be fixed through him.. Along with the troubled person's quality choices.
The father in the prodigal son did not go out looking for his Son. He stayed home, and when the son came to himself he returned and he returned better than he was before he left his father. He had to go through pain and loss before he came to himself.
Our children grow up, become responsible and mature adults and leave us to begin their own lives, this is often a sad time but it is also a blessing and a fact of life. In the same way, those we love MUST grow up, become mature adults, responsible for their choices and actions and accept the circumstances of both.
Get out of God's way! Stop enabling the ones you love!
~CIC
Do you have someone in your life who seems to always teeter on the edge of trouble? Someone you love very much, yet you seem to be at a loss as far as "helping them" is concerned?
Are they continuously caught in a trap of their own making? Are you finding yourself following behind them, attempting to clean up their messes and wondering how their mess became your own?
If you can relate to the above, then this article may save you future pain and heartache.
This writing applies to anyone who's loved one is trapped by an out of control lifestyle.
Enabling ends up hurting those we enable much more than it does us. We are thinking we're helping those we love when what we're really becoming to them is a crutch. A sorry stand in for a life of making responsible decisions and taking positive actions. They become addicted to our help. In the end they cannot function without us propping them up. If we attempt at any time to withdraw our enabling behaviors, they will squall like babies and then we truly find we have a mess on our hands.
As time goes by I meet more and more people who have little or no control over the most important areas of their lives. This chaos that many live under seems to know no boundaries. At one point in my life, I was a chronic enabler of many. I was one of those people that others looked to in order to depend on. But you see, I lost "myself" due to my constant catering to and problem solving all in the name of "others" that was going on. Many times in my past, before God straightened me out, I would complain about my life and many times was heard to say "I don't have a life".
Have any of you made a statement like that?
Looking back on those times, it was true. I did not have a life. But one thing I always failed to see was whose fault it was that I didn't. It was my own, that's what I had to realize, and in time I did.
By the time I had come to this realization, I would be totally burned out from the hours spent worrying or doing for others. Precious time that I could not get back. But do not think that those I was doing for lost a night of sleep over me. They would, in the end and much to my distress, still be living the destructive and dangerous lives they had for many years. My actions and help did not change them, did not help them, if anything it had made them worse.
I would pray for people who were trapped by the nets of their own making and nothing - not even prayer seemed to help them. I struggled to look at myself and learn if there was something I was leaving out, something I'd neglected doing for or saying to them.
It was then that I heard as plainly as I can explain to you now..
"What aren't you doing for them"? The answer? NOTHING
I had been available to them in every way imaginable. If he or she needed money, I was their bank. If they needed a baby sitter while they went out to paint the town red and maybe even get into a little mischief, I was their nanny. If I had important plans, they were all gone at the drop of a hat if I was called on to "help out" those who could never manage to help themselves. There was no limit to my helping.
Gradually I got worn down and discouraged. I could not say NO to them when they called on me for my help. Like so many others who are enablers, I was blinded by my love and concern for them. I had never once stopped for a second to realize that by my helping, I was prolonging that inevitable area of their lives that they had to get fixed.
The part where they must take responsibility for their own actions and their own life.
I couldn't see that no matter what I was able to do for them, that in the end, they would have to face responsibility and make choices themselves without me near them, without me giving them advice, handouts,etc.
One very important will that God has for all of our lives is that of being a responsible and mature adult. And I had been blocking God's will for the ones I was constantly enabling. This leads me to relate a very painful fact of life-----it's your life, God gave you only one, and it's far too short for us to scramble around "enabling" those who have chosen to lead a destructive lifestyle. Life is too short on this earth for you to be concentrating every fiber of energy you have on those who haven't hit rock bottom yet.
What is rock bottom? It is the place that all of us will arrive at if we continue to buck against what is Godly and Holy.
It is being in the "gutter" without anyone to call out to and to help us except God himself. The prodigal son went there to this place I speak of and was the better for having arrived there. I have been there. If one continues in sin, they will understand what Rock Bottom is. But only if they are absent of the enabler in their life.
We often feel "sorry"" for those we are enabling. I was one of these. I know what I am talking about. I thought on this : If I was leading a destructive life - a life in which I shirked responsibilities and did nothing to help myself but relied on everyone else to take care of me, would I expect to gain the sympathies of others? NO Would I expect it ? NEVER
Get out of God's way
It was during an especially painful run in with a friend who had gotten himself in financial trouble that I finally realized the truth. The more we bail people out of their problems and tragic situations, the longer it takes for them to change.
If you had the choice between a get out of jail free card or a two year jail term, which one would you choose?
The truth is that if you want to play, *lead a destructive and dangerous lifestyle* then you have to pay. Consequences are harsh , yet how many are not willing to pay the consequences for their selfish and destructive actions?
Many People who are still leading destructively selfish lifestyles are only continuing in them because they are not allowed to hit rock bottom. They have not had to face the consequences of their actions. They have not had to face the consequences of the sad life they have led. They are not allowed to get down in the muck and mire and face what they and their life has become due to their own wrong and selfish choices. Others are never forced to stop due to their alternative options plan (the enabler in their life). In essence, they are still being given the option of that get out of jail free card by someone - And who offers it? Their "enabler" does every time they choose to bail them out of their latest "mess".
Love
It is simply because we do love them that we must choose to stop enabling them, We must allow them to grow up and be responsible for their own lives and actions.
Chronic enabling only lengthens the time that the destructive person stays in his current messy situation.
If and when you decide to stop aiding in their prolonged agony by enabling them, your loved one will swear that you never loved them. They will say you are the most selfish person on earth. A little ironic isn't it? You and I, the very ones who have been unselfish and catering to their every whim and THEY now characterize US as selfish. Don't be astonished at this. All they've been used to is how you've catered to their desires and needs. They have known nothing else from you. They have known no other side of you other than this one they've been used to for so long. It is just like a little child who wants something, you hold it back from him and he throws a tantrum.
Managing their own lives
What you can't see right now is what will become of them after they've stepped up to the task of managing their own life. It's always tough to think of ourselves while a loved one is going through pain, We feel like we are not worthy to say NO to anyone except ourselves. I know this was true for me. I felt I was expendable when it came down to doing for me or for others.
It is essential that you stop enabling those who refuse to take responsibility for their own lives, God cannot do for them while you have your hands in matters that can only be fixed through him.. Along with the troubled person's quality choices.
The father in the prodigal son did not go out looking for his Son. He stayed home, and when the son came to himself he returned and he returned better than he was before he left his father. He had to go through pain and loss before he came to himself.
Our children grow up, become responsible and mature adults and leave us to begin their own lives, this is often a sad time but it is also a blessing and a fact of life. In the same way, those we love MUST grow up, become mature adults, responsible for their choices and actions and accept the circumstances of both.
Member
Join Date: Feb 2008
Location: Chicago area
Posts: 4,269
This is the same son who was living in your pool house and refused to take any responsibility for sustaining his own life? This is the same son who caused $10K in damages to the pool house?
My daughter was diagnosed with multiple mental illnesses, including Schizoaffective and/or Schizophreniform disorders. I was told that she would need to be medicated for the rest of her life to have any sort of function and that she would never be able to sustain herself.
So I did my homework and learned that psychosis like these are the proverbial chicken or the egg thing. Drug addiction can cause psychosis in some and serious mental disorders may cause those afflicted to self-medicate. Only thing certain is that I did not cause this. I cannot control this. I cannot cure this. I also could not live with this.
She evetually decided to be done with dope and did so in her own timeframe. The more time and distance there is between her and drugs, the better her cognition. I assume her brain is healing and maturing. She will likely always be a literal thinker unable to infer meanings. She has learned to compensate and do so without any medications or street drugs. Life will likely always be more challenging for her but as long as she stays sober she can and does function reasonably well.
The point of all this is that you don't know what's going on with your son. Short of kidnapping and tying him down, you cannot keep him safe from himself. Until he has been drug free for an extended period of time, it's unlikely anyone can diagnose him with any accuracy. Drug induced psychosis looks like psychosis, regardless of cause.
Our homes are not mental health units in hospitals, detox centers or places of recovery. We do not have the skills to manage these situations.
My daughter was diagnosed with multiple mental illnesses, including Schizoaffective and/or Schizophreniform disorders. I was told that she would need to be medicated for the rest of her life to have any sort of function and that she would never be able to sustain herself.
So I did my homework and learned that psychosis like these are the proverbial chicken or the egg thing. Drug addiction can cause psychosis in some and serious mental disorders may cause those afflicted to self-medicate. Only thing certain is that I did not cause this. I cannot control this. I cannot cure this. I also could not live with this.
She evetually decided to be done with dope and did so in her own timeframe. The more time and distance there is between her and drugs, the better her cognition. I assume her brain is healing and maturing. She will likely always be a literal thinker unable to infer meanings. She has learned to compensate and do so without any medications or street drugs. Life will likely always be more challenging for her but as long as she stays sober she can and does function reasonably well.
The point of all this is that you don't know what's going on with your son. Short of kidnapping and tying him down, you cannot keep him safe from himself. Until he has been drug free for an extended period of time, it's unlikely anyone can diagnose him with any accuracy. Drug induced psychosis looks like psychosis, regardless of cause.
Our homes are not mental health units in hospitals, detox centers or places of recovery. We do not have the skills to manage these situations.
Member
Join Date: Nov 2011
Location: Minneapolis
Posts: 924
having just engaged in an episode with my ex...bipolar/crack addict (chicken/egg)...
the enabling becomes very insidious and sly
just by having given him a hug and let him take a walk with me (after 5 weeks barely any contact)
what ensued?...now I am a Narcissistic Abuser just like his Father was.
Now...because I had contact with him and it became heatedly conflictual
I am another "abuser" in his life.
If the addict can't have an enabler to make it easier on them
they will twist the enabler into another horrible reason/excuse to use
there is no "winning" in trying to interact
my life is no longer a game
my love and support and encouragement will be given to those who do not abuse it
including myself
the enabling becomes very insidious and sly
just by having given him a hug and let him take a walk with me (after 5 weeks barely any contact)
what ensued?...now I am a Narcissistic Abuser just like his Father was.
Now...because I had contact with him and it became heatedly conflictual
I am another "abuser" in his life.
If the addict can't have an enabler to make it easier on them
they will twist the enabler into another horrible reason/excuse to use
there is no "winning" in trying to interact
my life is no longer a game
my love and support and encouragement will be given to those who do not abuse it
including myself
Member
Join Date: Oct 2011
Location: Bay Area, CA
Posts: 27
I am doing it too...just stepping back and letting my AS's life unfold...it hurts, it's foreign to me, but it's also rather freeing...I just keep coming on here, reading my supportive books, and going to meetings...stay strong!
Member
Join Date: Dec 2011
Posts: 29
I find it difficult to stay away from my AD because she's so much fun to be around. She's brilliant, loving and hilarious. We laugh 24/7. I wouldn't miss her so much if she was unlikable, but she's a charmer. I miss her, but not the insanity. My last text to her were the lyrics to this beautiful song that reminds me of how vulnerable and fragile she is:
Some say love, it is a river
That drowns the tender reed.
Some say love, it is a razor
That leaves your soul to bleed.
Some say love, it is a hunger,
An endless aching need.
I say love, it is a flower,
And you its only seed.
It's the heart afraid of breaking
That never learns to dance.
It's the dream afraid of waking
That never takes the chance.
It's the one who won't be taken,
Who cannot seem to give,
And the soul afraid of dyin'
That never learns to live.
When the night has been too lonely
And the road has been too long,
And you think that love is only
For the lucky and the strong,
Just remember in the winter
Far beneath the bitter snows
Lies the seed that with the sun's love
In the spring becomes the rose.
The Rose~Bette Midler
Some say love, it is a river
That drowns the tender reed.
Some say love, it is a razor
That leaves your soul to bleed.
Some say love, it is a hunger,
An endless aching need.
I say love, it is a flower,
And you its only seed.
It's the heart afraid of breaking
That never learns to dance.
It's the dream afraid of waking
That never takes the chance.
It's the one who won't be taken,
Who cannot seem to give,
And the soul afraid of dyin'
That never learns to live.
When the night has been too lonely
And the road has been too long,
And you think that love is only
For the lucky and the strong,
Just remember in the winter
Far beneath the bitter snows
Lies the seed that with the sun's love
In the spring becomes the rose.
The Rose~Bette Midler
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Nov 2011
Posts: 227
thank you all for your comments. This is hard.. but I'm doing it and although I've had some moments of craziness (like the night I originally posted this), overall I'm so much better than I would have been a few months ago -- thanks to all the readings, posts, and support from SR. The past week has been a roller coaster.. at first I got caught up in it, but I've since pulled away (for the most part) and I really do trust that events will unfold as they are meant to, regardless of how much I worry.
Kitten: I use to sing (wonder why I don't anymore..) and the first song I ever sang in public was "The Rose". It's one of my favorites! Thank you for your post, I don't think it's a coincidence!
Kitten: I use to sing (wonder why I don't anymore..) and the first song I ever sang in public was "The Rose". It's one of my favorites! Thank you for your post, I don't think it's a coincidence!
Member
Join Date: Dec 2011
Location: Joppa, Maryland
Posts: 61
Well, if nothing else...
The stress of having an AS has made me start exercising again. I am taking the Naranon philosophy to heart and taking care of me. Plus, working out makes me feel better.
Also, my husband and I have started back to church every week, and we haven't been in a long time.
Two things that make me feel good.
Also, my husband and I have started back to church every week, and we haven't been in a long time.
Two things that make me feel good.
Member
Join Date: Jul 2007
Location: Eastern Time Zone
Posts: 1,011
Heartbroken0608: It is hard to "just say no." (Who would have ever thought that phrase would apply to us? LOL.)
Your son is in the midst of a crisis, and it is crisis that we family members can use to move our loved ones out of denial. I agree that you need to say "no" to the request that you anticipate from your son. But with that "no" you could perhaps give him the phone number or tell him the location of a Salvation Army Rehab Center, homeless shelter, or somewhere in your area where he could go to get the help he needs to start the process of leaving drugs and alcohol behind. If he does not have a car, perhaps you could offer to give him a ride there. Or perhaps not.
I guess what I'm suggesting here is that with your "no" you offer something else in place of it. It will help you feel better about the whole thing. If your son is not ready, he will be mad as hell. But we are not into feelings here - we are into intervening in the cycle of this disease in anticipation of your son moving toward recovery.
Hope that helps. If not, take what you need and leave the rest.
Your son is in the midst of a crisis, and it is crisis that we family members can use to move our loved ones out of denial. I agree that you need to say "no" to the request that you anticipate from your son. But with that "no" you could perhaps give him the phone number or tell him the location of a Salvation Army Rehab Center, homeless shelter, or somewhere in your area where he could go to get the help he needs to start the process of leaving drugs and alcohol behind. If he does not have a car, perhaps you could offer to give him a ride there. Or perhaps not.
I guess what I'm suggesting here is that with your "no" you offer something else in place of it. It will help you feel better about the whole thing. If your son is not ready, he will be mad as hell. But we are not into feelings here - we are into intervening in the cycle of this disease in anticipation of your son moving toward recovery.
Hope that helps. If not, take what you need and leave the rest.
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