exABF showed up...
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Nov 2011
Location: Minneapolis
Posts: 924
exABF showed up...
I went to my church today, not only to attend the service but also to deliver some of the props that I will be using for the solstice celebration. I have been thinking about my ex because he would have so been a part of helping my with this expression of my spirit...he was always willing to take part in my creative play. I have also been considering whether or not to extend a welcome to him to come to the service which is all about light (hope) within the darkness...
so lo and behold I pull up with my things and there he is standing backlit in the sun, ready to help me load my lanterns into the sanctuary.
we sat together for mass, then he helped me move things around for my monday eve rehearsal...then we went for a walk in a place where we often walked together and it was the place of our first date...a place I regularly walk for meditation.
but...we ended up fighting horribly. it seems like he knows exactly which buttons to push which escalate my anger into a screaming and swearing match. he always says how negative I am, how hard it was to deal with me, how I don't own my own "s@%t" and I need to seriously take my own inventory. it's maddening, downright crazy making.
the truth is that I really DO try to be self aware, i almost daily take inventory on my self and actions, I check in with people...yet still he gets under my skin in the biggest way
then, because I react so angrily...pure and total frustration...he gets to use my anger as confirmation of his accusations...and then even use it to blame the failure of our relationship...and that my behavior is just as bad as his using, which of course he says is never as bad as anyone else in the recovery community claims it to be.
mudslinging, name calling, blaming...that's what I got out of this contact, I think because he could tell my boundaries were more intact...at first he tried the soft way and when he found out it didn't work he tried the hard core blasting. abusive. now he gets to walk away having smeared some of the mud on me...spreading the blame and accountability...
my sister said it is just god having him show up to remind me I am making the right decision to walk away...
so lo and behold I pull up with my things and there he is standing backlit in the sun, ready to help me load my lanterns into the sanctuary.
we sat together for mass, then he helped me move things around for my monday eve rehearsal...then we went for a walk in a place where we often walked together and it was the place of our first date...a place I regularly walk for meditation.
but...we ended up fighting horribly. it seems like he knows exactly which buttons to push which escalate my anger into a screaming and swearing match. he always says how negative I am, how hard it was to deal with me, how I don't own my own "s@%t" and I need to seriously take my own inventory. it's maddening, downright crazy making.
the truth is that I really DO try to be self aware, i almost daily take inventory on my self and actions, I check in with people...yet still he gets under my skin in the biggest way
then, because I react so angrily...pure and total frustration...he gets to use my anger as confirmation of his accusations...and then even use it to blame the failure of our relationship...and that my behavior is just as bad as his using, which of course he says is never as bad as anyone else in the recovery community claims it to be.
mudslinging, name calling, blaming...that's what I got out of this contact, I think because he could tell my boundaries were more intact...at first he tried the soft way and when he found out it didn't work he tried the hard core blasting. abusive. now he gets to walk away having smeared some of the mud on me...spreading the blame and accountability...
my sister said it is just god having him show up to remind me I am making the right decision to walk away...
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Nov 2011
Location: Minneapolis
Posts: 924
it's frustrating because I get SO SO angry when I fight with him, and then I feel like he is right...that I am a dishonest, lying, denial ridden negative person...
I don't get this angry with anyone else...I am certainly not a pollyanna, and I have a wee bit of a beyatchy edge...but I feel like he tries to lower me down by getting me so angry and then telling me I should be able to always be kind, compassionate and not so angry...that my behavior is deplorable.
I don't get this angry with anyone else...I am certainly not a pollyanna, and I have a wee bit of a beyatchy edge...but I feel like he tries to lower me down by getting me so angry and then telling me I should be able to always be kind, compassionate and not so angry...that my behavior is deplorable.
RIP Sweet Suki
Join Date: Apr 2008
Location: In my sanctuary, my home
Posts: 39,871
Let him think whatever he wants. Let him honestly believe that everything was your fault. It doesn't matter anymore. I know it's hard and I know it takes time, but you'll know you are there when whatever he says or thinks won't matter one whit. Hang in there, keep doing the next right thing. You'll make it. 
Member
Join Date: Dec 2011
Posts: 7
I have to agree with suki. Let him think what ever he wants to. It doesn't matter.
I have close family members who do the same thing to me. They know what buttons to push and have called me everything under the sun. Even told me on multiple occasions that Im going to hell. I took me years to realize that they can say what ever they want. In the big picture I know me. I know I am a good person and am doing what I need to in order to be happy. So as long as I am happy with me, my family members can call me whatever they want. Doesn't matter to me.
The trick is not to let them see my anger and frustration during these fits. The more I react to their accusations the more power I give them. So now, I say that I am sorry that they feel that way, but I live my life the way I want to. and walk away no matter if they are yelling behind me (which does happen).
... is frustrating when people know how to push your buttons though
I have close family members who do the same thing to me. They know what buttons to push and have called me everything under the sun. Even told me on multiple occasions that Im going to hell. I took me years to realize that they can say what ever they want. In the big picture I know me. I know I am a good person and am doing what I need to in order to be happy. So as long as I am happy with me, my family members can call me whatever they want. Doesn't matter to me.
The trick is not to let them see my anger and frustration during these fits. The more I react to their accusations the more power I give them. So now, I say that I am sorry that they feel that way, but I live my life the way I want to. and walk away no matter if they are yelling behind me (which does happen).
... is frustrating when people know how to push your buttons though
Member
Join Date: Jan 2010
Posts: 951
I decided that if interaction with a person always ends in me showing my worst side, that's someone I should not be around. I can own my part in it, and it's not really necessary for me to put the blame anywhere but on me. But my conclusion is the same, no matter if it is my own fault or theirs... I need to limit my interaction with them.
If he turns up again you might just tell him that clearly you are not a good person for him to be around given that he feels you are so toxic.
Sending you hugs. That sounds so upsetting and frustrating.
If he turns up again you might just tell him that clearly you are not a good person for him to be around given that he feels you are so toxic.
Sending you hugs. That sounds so upsetting and frustrating.
Member
Join Date: Jun 2011
Location: Right here, right now!
Posts: 3,424
Originally Posted by lesliej 
my sister said it is just god having him show up to remind me I am making the right decision to walk away...
I for one think your sister is right.
Soon-to-be-Ex-Wife of Addict
Join Date: Dec 2011
Location: Clarksburg, West Virginia
Posts: 30
Originally Posted by lesliej
i went to my church today, not only to attend the service but also to deliver some of the props that i will be using for the solstice celebration. I have been thinking about my ex because he would have so been a part of helping my with this expression of my spirit...he was always willing to take part in my creative play. I have also been considering whether or not to extend a welcome to him to come to the service which is all about light (hope) within the darkness...
So lo and behold i pull up with my things and there he is standing backlit in the sun, ready to help me load my lanterns into the sanctuary.
We sat together for mass, then he helped me move things around for my monday eve rehearsal...then we went for a walk in a place where we often walked together and it was the place of our first date...a place i regularly walk for meditation.
But...we ended up fighting horribly. It seems like he knows exactly which buttons to push which escalate my anger into a screaming and swearing match. He always says how negative i am, how hard it was to deal with me, how i don't own my own "s@%t" and i need to seriously take my own inventory. It's maddening, downright crazy making.
The truth is that i really do try to be self aware, i almost daily take inventory on my self and actions, i check in with people...yet still he gets under my skin in the biggest way
then, because i react so angrily...pure and total frustration...he gets to use my anger as confirmation of his accusations...and then even use it to blame the failure of our relationship...and that my behavior is just as bad as his using, which of course he says is never as bad as anyone else in the recovery community claims it to be.
Mudslinging, name calling, blaming...that's what i got out of this contact, i think because he could tell my boundaries were more intact...at first he tried the soft way and when he found out it didn't work he tried the hard core blasting. Abusive. Now he gets to walk away having smeared some of the mud on me...spreading the blame and accountability...
My sister said it is just god having him show up to remind me i am making the right decision to walk away...
So lo and behold i pull up with my things and there he is standing backlit in the sun, ready to help me load my lanterns into the sanctuary.
We sat together for mass, then he helped me move things around for my monday eve rehearsal...then we went for a walk in a place where we often walked together and it was the place of our first date...a place i regularly walk for meditation.
But...we ended up fighting horribly. It seems like he knows exactly which buttons to push which escalate my anger into a screaming and swearing match. He always says how negative i am, how hard it was to deal with me, how i don't own my own "s@%t" and i need to seriously take my own inventory. It's maddening, downright crazy making.
The truth is that i really do try to be self aware, i almost daily take inventory on my self and actions, i check in with people...yet still he gets under my skin in the biggest way
then, because i react so angrily...pure and total frustration...he gets to use my anger as confirmation of his accusations...and then even use it to blame the failure of our relationship...and that my behavior is just as bad as his using, which of course he says is never as bad as anyone else in the recovery community claims it to be.
Mudslinging, name calling, blaming...that's what i got out of this contact, i think because he could tell my boundaries were more intact...at first he tried the soft way and when he found out it didn't work he tried the hard core blasting. Abusive. Now he gets to walk away having smeared some of the mud on me...spreading the blame and accountability...
My sister said it is just god having him show up to remind me i am making the right decision to walk away...
Living in a Pinkful Place
Join Date: May 2006
Location: Louisiana
Posts: 7,545
Just a suggestion. . .
The next time you feel the strong urge to have a conversation with this person, walk to the nearest PINE Tree ~ repeat the last conversation you had, bang your head against the tree and then walk away ~
What will you get??? The same thing with an added bonus I bump on the head to help you remember WHY you might not want to do that again. . .
Ok - just kidding hope that made you at least SMILE
As long he is getting the reaction from you - he is getting his needs met from the relationship ~ if you must talk with him, try to find a way NOT to react. . .
IF we want something different, we have to be willing to DO something different. . .
Just my experience, strength and Hope ~
prayers of comfort and peace for you
PINK HUGS,
Rita
The next time you feel the strong urge to have a conversation with this person, walk to the nearest PINE Tree ~ repeat the last conversation you had, bang your head against the tree and then walk away ~
What will you get??? The same thing with an added bonus I bump on the head to help you remember WHY you might not want to do that again. . .
Ok - just kidding hope that made you at least SMILE
As long he is getting the reaction from you - he is getting his needs met from the relationship ~ if you must talk with him, try to find a way NOT to react. . .
IF we want something different, we have to be willing to DO something different. . .
Just my experience, strength and Hope ~
prayers of comfort and peace for you
PINK HUGS,
Rita
Soon-to-be-Ex-Wife of Addict
Join Date: Dec 2011
Location: Clarksburg, West Virginia
Posts: 30
That's probably my fault. I was reading the new posts, then did some searching, and I responded to this thread without thinking (because I've read so many threads today that I am losing track of where I found them).
I'm sorry.
I'm sorry.
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