topdog0627

I started texting her last night. I told her that we can get together and overcome this DSS thing and that I would make it all stop if she would just meet with me. I told her that I loved her and that if she would come back to me and let me help her then we could make ths DSS thing go away.

She said that it was too late and that I told DSS nothing but lies and that she was thinking about coming to me and giving me another chance until I went to DSS and told them lies. She has been in jail and is addicted to opiates. They are there every day ( DSS ). She is really out there now. I have to stop all this madness. I keep getting my hopes up that since her sisterinlaw is getting treatment then she will to. I am wrong in all of this I know. I am guilting her, manipulating her. I love my wife. I want the person that I know to come back out. I am beginning to realize that it may never happen.

We are filing at the courthouse next week. I am going to ask for custody of my daughter. My daughter says that she will never go with me. She is 14. Does she have a choice? If anyone knows anything about this please share.

tjp613

Well, it will be up to the judge, of course. But in most states a child that age has the ability to choose who she wants to reside with. However, I can't imagine that a judge would allow her to reside with her drug-addicted mother as primary custodian. So who would be her second choice? You or her grandmother? Is the grandmother fit to raise her? Why is your daughter against living with you? Is she just angry because you moved away and left her there?

topdog0627

My daughter is very angry that I left them. Her mother is blaming all of this on me. Her mother says that she is not on drugs and that she has a prescription for all the pills. She told my daughter that she went to jail for pills that she was getting me. I have spoken to my daughter once in 5 mos and that was yesterday. My daughter loves her mother very much. She does not and is not capable of understanding all of this. I am barely able to cope and I am not doing a very good job. I do not want to take my daughter away. I have found the courage to do so. I must for her sake. I see this now. My wife has let her become truant from school for at least 2 mos. This is not my wife. I just do not understand all of this.

outtolunch

Mom's addicted and 14 year old daughter is 2 months truant speaks for itself.

Maybe consider giving yourself a break and disable texting.

lesliej

your wife's train of consequences is in motion, has gained speed and you best not step in front of it. do not panic. for all of the reasons you have mentioned you are doing what is right for your daughter.

I would say do some bargaining with the fact that your daughter has been truant, re: part of the "punishment" for truancy is some IMMEDIATE counseling!! maybe consider writing out a timeline and a list of the issues at hand and try to clarify what has been occurring for your daughter to see? text messages and intermittent dis-communication probably have your daughter in a state of utter confusion...there is no clarity.

make efforts to clarify, she does not have the benefit of having any insight into your perspective. if you write her a letter she can read it privately in her own time, without the confused emotions of face to face... just be VERY careful what you put into writing!!!

just an idea???

dollydo

IMHO you are going to have to get a grip. What you are doing is not healthy for anyone, most of all you.

Your wife is gone, accept it.

Are you going to meetings? If not I would, if you are, I would suggest that you start doubling up.

hope213

prayers going up for u & your wife & daughter. do u know the 3 c's? you did not CAUSE it, you can not CONTROL it & you can not CURE it. i live by this. it helps me get thru all of this. i do not feel guilty & i know i am powerless when it comes to the addict & THEIR addiction. take care of you.

phillyds

I have been where you are. I even said I was sicker than he was. I know that you said you would stop if she came back and decided to get help. I was so bad that I just wanted him to come back I stopped begging him to stop using drugs. I am letting you know that the obsession WILL get worse. You accept and accept and accept. What happens when you accept anything just to have her there? It is not a good feeling and in my experience it still does not work.

We have no children together so I have no need to contact him for any reason. I kicked him out two weeks ago tomorrow and it has been more difficult than anything that I have ever been through but I had to do it. I was blamed each time he left and I had to change MY behavior for him to come back. He kept leaving and using and cheating anyway. Being strong didn't work, being a doormat didn't work. Email, IM etc. only left me feeling worse when the contact was over. There was not one time that we communicated that he came back because of something that I said. He always came back when he wanted.

The only difference this time with absolutely no contact is that his hurtful words are not ringing in my head making me feel worse. The pain is there but not that extra knife through my heart that we get when we contact them and get rejected or they contact us and still find a way to reject us. You are not alone!

newnormal4me

I am where you are when it comes to your wife. I understand that pain fully and that overwhelming desire to be back together and "fix" it. Thing is, our spouses don't want to fix it right now, and there is nothing we can do. What you are doing is playing into the hand of a person that CAN NOT think rationally, nor have a rational, reasonable conversation. If that is what you are hoping for, it won't happen. I know this because I have tried for (embarrassed to say) years. My husband was the most awesome guy, hard worker, smart, talented, loving, caring, etc before drugs entered the picture. I was settled in to a forever relationship and was not at all ready or willing to let it all go. I held on for way longer than I should have. I didn't understand drugs! I didn't believe something would ever fully draw him away from me, our family, the kids. But it did...it still is...and right now for me, it's not getting any better. I never knew the lows that were possible. I have had to take a step back and quit with texting, quit with returning calls (unless it deals directly with the kids or a family business based issue). I have done the round and rounds until I'm blue in the face and it only accomplishes bringing me down more than I was when I started. It will be a long process of breaking free for me, I know it will. But I am prepared to take each tiny baby step that I have to if that is what it will take for me.

It's time to get off the roller coaster, and get out of the waiting line for it! Try to look clearly at what has transpired and what you need to do now. Your daughter - goodness, I can't imagine what she has gone through. And she has been left too. Is there a reason why you haven't spoken to her? Scary yet is the missed school. That is not a good sign at all. You will have a battle on your hands, but it will be worth it. Your daughter will be angry, and may not agree with anything that happens. But something needs to be done for her. Counseling sounds like a good first option. Hang in there.

YearForMe

Keep in mind....

Children of addicts usually fall into the caretaker role.
She doesn't want to come and live with you because it is scary for her.
If I leave....who will take care of mommy?

Your wife is probably telling her she "needs" her.

devastated

I don't know what the law is in South Carolina, but in California they would take the child away and place him/her with the Dad, providing there is no record, or immediate family. If the family is not in good standing with the law, i.e., no record, no bad habits, etc., the child would go in the system.

Sounds like the child is a bit "brain-washed" which is what addicts do best.

Stay strong, get the child and perhaps get her counseling.

Hugs, Devastated