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The Holidays - Its Hard to Stay Detached

Old 12-17-2011, 01:25 AM
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The Holidays - Its Hard to Stay Detached

How are you doing it? Detaching with love during the holidays.
My AH wants me to spend christmas with him... offered to buy airplane tickets to for us to go away to visit his brother... offered to take me away for the weekend. I said no.. I already have plans to see my family. I don't want to see his brother who is an alcoholic and who will want to do drugs with him.
He says he's either going to spend it with me or alone and he's not trying to guilt trip me.
We haven't seen each other in six weeks. I feel bad for him but he needs to face the consequences of his addiction and I don't want to spend Christmas with him while he's actively using or crashing. We'll fight and I really can't see myself having sex with him right now. I may have dinner with him after christmas but only if I feel like it and he acts decently. This is horrible. Should have been our first christmas together as a married couple. Instead he's probably high now, we don't live together and I'm wondering how long this can go on in limbo like it has.... one day at a time.
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Old 12-17-2011, 03:55 AM
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OneDay, let me first say, I love that quote by Joseph Campbell

well, he doesn't have to spend Christmas by himself. If he was going to fly the both of you to his brothers, what is stopping him from flying just himself? He can visit with his brother without you, and is just trying to manipulate you with guilt. And if you give in you will most likely from the sounds of it, have a horrible depressing time.

It sucks that you hoped for more this first Christmas than you are heading for, but, maybe you can spend it with your family, or helping at a soup kitchen, or neighbors, or something wonderful and meaningful anyway.

****{hugs}}}}
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Old 12-17-2011, 10:01 AM
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Originally Posted by oneday66 View Post

I feel bad for him but he needs to face the consequences of his addiction and I don't want to spend Christmas with him while he's actively using or crashing.

Obvious what he needs and what you think he needs are two differnt things. Not wanting to spend Christmas with him while he's actively using is a healthy boundary for you.

We'll fight and I really can't see myself having sex with him right now. I may have dinner with him after christmas but only if I feel like it and he acts decently.

Is something going to change between Christmas and after Christmas? Sometimes we attempt to impose punishment and /or try to control others with our so called boundaries. I know I did.

This is horrible. Should have been our first christmas together as a married couple. Instead he's probably high now, we don't live together and I'm wondering how long this can go on in limbo like it has.... one day at a time.
This is indeed horrible. What you thought should have been is not the reality of the situation. It will go on for as long as you allow it to do so. You can either accept him as is/where is or not. It's that tween spot you are in that's a real killer, one day at a time.
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Old 12-17-2011, 10:31 AM
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maybe I am just kind of a cold beeyatch or numb or something...
but all this talk of christmas...christmas...christmas. it's like a major trigger for those of us with challenged boundaries. it's a big inflated excuse to question our decisions, weigh and use it as a measure of how "bad" the addiction is. why, when we are dealing with life challenging and life changing issues, do we let another day on the calendar torture us so??!!

I celebrate Winter Solstice myself...which is where the church-determined date for xmas came from... it represents the longest night of the year...a time for hibernation, reflection, germination of dreams and insight...AND the rebirth of the SUN! (read: SON as in Jesus and all of his most excellent spiritual principles of compassion!!! NOT PITY!!)

if it wasn't xmas it would be a birthday, an anniversary, new years eve (ohhhhh the kiss)
easter, halloween (that was a big one for me! & it's his bday too!!!) etc etc etc.

There was a time when I lived very far from my family and had to spend xmas day alone. it was actually quite peaceful and quiet and relaxing. also as others have mentioned...there are awesome and fulfilling volunteer activities.

I, for one, don't need to hype up the fantasy of a perfect xmas brought to my by hallmark and walmart. take it easy. take a breath. appreciate the "return of the sun" and live one day at a time.

just my opinion, sorry!
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Old 12-17-2011, 04:06 PM
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You are right Leslie.. Its just another day.. We r not religious (he was raised Jewish) but christmas has always been a lot of fun days surrounded by family (we usually went to mexico for a week). I guess its just another illusion I have to give up. He is dying... Spiritually, physically. I have to let him do what he wants to with that noose around his neck.

Ive had the flu for a couple of weeks and have been out of sorts. Im feeling better and am going back to yoga, meditation classes and al anon mtgs. Someone told me to pretend lie he was in a coma... U dont expect much from someone in a coma. Ill just pray for him to wake up one day, not see him and leave it to God and get on with my life. Thank u everyone for your support and helping me maintain my boundaries in a moment of weakness.
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Old 12-17-2011, 04:26 PM
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a coma is an apt metaphor if he is using using using...

my ex is back at work in recovery again, without living here as an enabling distraction (?)
the other metaphor/comparison that I occasionally use is that he is off at war..."employed" on the front lines. god bless him

certainly it is not the same as men who are called to service in the wars that our country engages in...

but the man is fighting an intense battle
sometimes the enemy ambushes
sometimes the soldier is not keeping guard according to orders
sometimes the battle is lost

it is not my battle
I do hope he one day returns to his home, stable, immersed in the victory of recovery and ready to receive welcome and love, whether that is with me or someone else
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Old 12-19-2011, 08:09 AM
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[QUOTE=lesliej;3208742

...all this talk of christmas...christmas...christmas. it's like a major trigger for those of us with challenged boundaries. it's a big inflated excuse to question our decisions, weigh and use it as a measure of how "bad" the addiction is. why, when we are dealing with life challenging and life changing issues, do we let another day on the calendar torture us so??!! [/QUOTE]

Sometimes I think Christmas should be called Codependence Day. We use the day/time of year to rationalize anything and everything, espcially our own fantasies and egos. Then the hangover begins.
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