my 18 yr old whos addicted to opiates
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my 18 yr old whos addicted to opiates
I have an 18 yr old who's been an addict (mostly Heroin/Roxys) for five years. She shoots up the drugs. She's been in six treatment centers for a total of two years. She's prostituted herself on the internet. She's been to NA meetings and counselors. She's been in jail over 15 times and has overdosed twice. Her last overdose was three weeks ago. She had pulmonary edema and was in intensive care for six days. She almost died. She used five days after leaving the hospital. She's gone months without using while in treatment and uses within days of her release. I've made her leave my home because my rules are no drug use while living with me. I love her more than life itself, but don't know what I can do for her anymore. She's a vagabond now, drifting from dope hole to dope hole. I won't take her calls and asked her to leave my property when she came home stoned a few days ago. I'm trying to think positive, so I don't manifest a bad result, but deep down I think she's going to be dead within a few months. How do I help someone who refuses help? How can I save her? She's such a good girl, but she doesn't believe that.
We ran out of money, so our resources are limited now.
We ran out of money, so our resources are limited now.
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Join Date: Nov 2007
Posts: 1,294
It's heartbreaking to read your post; I'm so sorry for your circumstances.
Welcome to SR.
We can't tell you what you want - how to save her.
You cannot save her; she has to save herself.
At best, you have already given her all the opportunities she needs to get the tools she would need and the network, for recovery. You cannot give her any more.
You can save yourself. You can express to her you love her and know she can change her life if she ever chooses. You can prepare yourself for the worst. Those are the things you can do.
There is a lot of support available here for you, and in face to face places such as Nar-Anon and Al-Anon meetings. I hope you will feel welcome at these places and begin your own journey of recovery.
Addiction is a ravaging disease, and leaves so much collateral damage.
CLMI
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I'm conflicted about having no contact with her. She seems to do worse when I throw her out of my home. I can't watch her die and I've removed myself from her life. I'm trying to save myself now, since I'm not able to save her. She calls me every few days, and it takes everything to not take her calls. I told her that I will support her 110% if she chooses life, but I won't be there to help her die. I don't understand why she chooses drugs and hanging around homeless, drug addict criminals over her safe, clean home and family.
Thanks for the advice!
Thanks for the advice!
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Join Date: Nov 2007
Posts: 1,294
It is VERY hard for "normies" to understand that addiction responds to PAIN. It responds very little to cushy support. This is why we say the addict must hit a bottom - the point where the PAIN of using exceeds the PAIN of doing whatever it takes to stop using. Usually, when we take away their pain, we delay them from hitting their bottom.
Please stick around, share more with us, read, and post. Try some local meetings of Nar-Anon or Al-Anon - they are free and the best support possible for a family member needing support!
We care about you!
CLMI
Please stick around, share more with us, read, and post. Try some local meetings of Nar-Anon or Al-Anon - they are free and the best support possible for a family member needing support!
We care about you!
CLMI
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Do you think that I shouldn't let her live with me? Do you think that making her leave was the best thing? Her addiction has caused me severe hair loss, sleep problems and anxiety attacks. My ex thinks that I should let her come home, so I can "manage" her addiction. I told him that he's an idiot and has no understanding of addiction.
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Join Date: Nov 2007
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In recovery, we try very hard to learn that we own the consequences of our actions and decisions. We try not to tell others what to do or what decisions to make, but support their journey toward the strength of figuring out their own best path.
What are the consequences of your daughter's decisions to use?
What are the consequences of your decision to allow an active drug user into your household?
You have every right to protect your own needs and to allow your daughter to face the consequences of her own decisions. You must search within yourself to act in your own best interest and not take on the results of others, the ignorance of others, the problems of others. We each own our own decisions and what follows from them.
It's when we get confused, about who owns what, that things go awry. Your daughter cannot self-correct if she is never allowed to fully own her decisions in life.
Said with gentle support, we know how hard this is, or we wouldn't be here on this board by the thousands, seeking mutual support!
CLMI
What are the consequences of your daughter's decisions to use?
What are the consequences of your decision to allow an active drug user into your household?
You have every right to protect your own needs and to allow your daughter to face the consequences of her own decisions. You must search within yourself to act in your own best interest and not take on the results of others, the ignorance of others, the problems of others. We each own our own decisions and what follows from them.
It's when we get confused, about who owns what, that things go awry. Your daughter cannot self-correct if she is never allowed to fully own her decisions in life.
Said with gentle support, we know how hard this is, or we wouldn't be here on this board by the thousands, seeking mutual support!
CLMI
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Join Date: Oct 2011
Location: Bay Area, CA
Posts: 27
Dear kittenkaboodle,
Your story is heartbreaking. I am so sorry that you are having to go through this. My 21 year old son is a heroin addict and I am not in contact with him. I am so glad you found this site. It helps me get through each day. The stickys are fantastic and the support from our fellow posters is wonderful.
Have you ready the book "Addict in the Family" by Beverly Conyers? I am reading it now and it is helping me a lot. The stories and patterns she describes are so familiar. Slowly I am seeing how living with my son's addiction caused me to change my behavior in unhealthy ways. Looking back, it seems so obvious how warped my thinking was...but at the time, I couldn't see it. Now that I am not in contact with him, it's time for me to release myself from the burden of HIS problem and focus on healthier thoughts and behaviors for myself.
Have you been to an Al-Anon/Nar-Anon meeting? That is my next step. I am challenging myself to attend at least one meeting next week. (I have trouble with procrastination and anxiety -- if I make small goals for myself it helps.)
Most of all, be kind to yourself. As is often quoted here, remember this: You didn't cause it. You can't cure it. You can't control it. <3
Your story is heartbreaking. I am so sorry that you are having to go through this. My 21 year old son is a heroin addict and I am not in contact with him. I am so glad you found this site. It helps me get through each day. The stickys are fantastic and the support from our fellow posters is wonderful.
Have you ready the book "Addict in the Family" by Beverly Conyers? I am reading it now and it is helping me a lot. The stories and patterns she describes are so familiar. Slowly I am seeing how living with my son's addiction caused me to change my behavior in unhealthy ways. Looking back, it seems so obvious how warped my thinking was...but at the time, I couldn't see it. Now that I am not in contact with him, it's time for me to release myself from the burden of HIS problem and focus on healthier thoughts and behaviors for myself.
Have you been to an Al-Anon/Nar-Anon meeting? That is my next step. I am challenging myself to attend at least one meeting next week. (I have trouble with procrastination and anxiety -- if I make small goals for myself it helps.)
Most of all, be kind to yourself. As is often quoted here, remember this: You didn't cause it. You can't cure it. You can't control it. <3
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Join Date: Feb 2008
Location: Chicago area
Posts: 4,269
[QUOTE=kittenkaboodle;3206470]
I'm trying to save myself now, since I'm not able to save her. She calls me every few days, and it takes everything to not take her calls. I told her that I will support her 110% if she chooses life, but I won't be there to help her die. I don't understand why she chooses drugs and hanging around homeless, drug addict criminals over her safe, clean home and family. /QUOTE]
At this point, she does not have much choice. Addiction controls her brain and demands she protect and sustain it. Just when we moms think our kids have reached their rock bottom, so many just keep on digging.
Your assessment of him and the situation is spot on. Maybe he should bring her into his home and give managing his daughter's addiction his best shot.
My biggest fear is if she dies and I didn't do everything in my power to prevent it from happening.
If our love could cure them, none of us would be here. We don't have power over other people. All the money in the world, rehab and treament opportunities will not make a dent, unless the addict is 150 % committed to and responsible for their own sobriety and even then, it's a long hard road.
Come what may, know in your heart that you have already done everything possible and then some. She is living her life as she see fit to do.
Know that my daughter, now 23, was in a similar spot at 19 as your daughter.
I almost bankrupted myself emotionally, physically and financially trying to save/fix her. I lost massive amounts of hair and came down with Shingles- likely my body's reaction to stress I imposed on myself. Accepting I was powerless over her and addiction was humbling. I eventually chose to save myself, the only person I control.
Know that while it seemed impossible at the time, my daughter eventually decided on her own she was done with dope. Thus far, she has remained done. Tomorrow will take care of itself.
I'm trying to save myself now, since I'm not able to save her. She calls me every few days, and it takes everything to not take her calls. I told her that I will support her 110% if she chooses life, but I won't be there to help her die. I don't understand why she chooses drugs and hanging around homeless, drug addict criminals over her safe, clean home and family. /QUOTE]
At this point, she does not have much choice. Addiction controls her brain and demands she protect and sustain it. Just when we moms think our kids have reached their rock bottom, so many just keep on digging.
Originally Posted by kittenkaboodle 
Do you think that I shouldn't let her live with me? Do you think that making her leave was the best thing? Her addiction has caused me severe hair loss, sleep problems and anxiety attacks. My ex thinks that I should let her come home, so I can "manage" her addiction. I told him that he's an idiot and has no understanding of addiction.
Originally Posted by kittenkaboodle
My biggest fear is if she dies and I didn't do everything in my power to prevent it from happening.
If our love could cure them, none of us would be here. We don't have power over other people. All the money in the world, rehab and treament opportunities will not make a dent, unless the addict is 150 % committed to and responsible for their own sobriety and even then, it's a long hard road.
Come what may, know in your heart that you have already done everything possible and then some. She is living her life as she see fit to do.
Know that my daughter, now 23, was in a similar spot at 19 as your daughter.
I almost bankrupted myself emotionally, physically and financially trying to save/fix her. I lost massive amounts of hair and came down with Shingles- likely my body's reaction to stress I imposed on myself. Accepting I was powerless over her and addiction was humbling. I eventually chose to save myself, the only person I control.
Know that while it seemed impossible at the time, my daughter eventually decided on her own she was done with dope. Thus far, she has remained done. Tomorrow will take care of itself.
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Join Date: Sep 2007
Location: Atlanta
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(((kitten))) - I'm so sorry you are going through this. I'm an RA (recovering addict) and have loved ones who are still A's (addicts).
As far as letting your daughter live at home? If my family had done that, this is what I would have felt:
1. I would have lost respect for my family, that they allowed me to do whatever I wanted to do, and gave me a safe place to do it.
2. I wouldn't have had those glimpses of how they went on with their lives, despite what I was doing. Eventually, I saw that and wanted to BE a part of their lives again.
3. I wouldn't have had to deal with the consequences of my using, which is why I eventually chose recovery.
I'm waaaaay older than your daughter, but addiction sucks, no matter what the age. I came close to death, more than a few times. I was locked up, lost everything and am still dealing with the career/financial/legal fall-out of my poor choices, almost 5 years later. My xbf continued using crack (our DOC) and died.
However, I will always be grateful to the people who loved me enough to let me find my own way to recovery. I did the prostitution, I did the living-in-one-crack-place-to-another and I lived on the streets. I see my niece, the same age as your daughter, heading down a similar path, though it is with alcohol. I can't stop it, I can't fix it. The best I can do is show her how life can be WITHOUT the stuff, set boundaries of what I will, and won't tolerate, and pray that she gets it before it's too late.
Hugs and prayers,
Amy
As far as letting your daughter live at home? If my family had done that, this is what I would have felt:
1. I would have lost respect for my family, that they allowed me to do whatever I wanted to do, and gave me a safe place to do it.
2. I wouldn't have had those glimpses of how they went on with their lives, despite what I was doing. Eventually, I saw that and wanted to BE a part of their lives again.
3. I wouldn't have had to deal with the consequences of my using, which is why I eventually chose recovery.
I'm waaaaay older than your daughter, but addiction sucks, no matter what the age. I came close to death, more than a few times. I was locked up, lost everything and am still dealing with the career/financial/legal fall-out of my poor choices, almost 5 years later. My xbf continued using crack (our DOC) and died.
However, I will always be grateful to the people who loved me enough to let me find my own way to recovery. I did the prostitution, I did the living-in-one-crack-place-to-another and I lived on the streets. I see my niece, the same age as your daughter, heading down a similar path, though it is with alcohol. I can't stop it, I can't fix it. The best I can do is show her how life can be WITHOUT the stuff, set boundaries of what I will, and won't tolerate, and pray that she gets it before it's too late.
Hugs and prayers,
Amy
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Join Date: Dec 2011
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Thank you guys so much for your helpful words.
She wasn't in six treatment centers in two yrs. She spent over two full years in six centers within a four year period. The adults in her life (myself included) didn't always act appropriately, and now she's paying the price. I allowed my own pain, dysfunction and weaknesses to affect my kids, and now both are emotionally struggling. I said that the cycle would be broken with me and I just perpetuated it. I'm so sorry for that.
Why does everyone (including me) have a cat as part of their screen name or avatar? We're a bunch of cat ladies.
She wasn't in six treatment centers in two yrs. She spent over two full years in six centers within a four year period. The adults in her life (myself included) didn't always act appropriately, and now she's paying the price. I allowed my own pain, dysfunction and weaknesses to affect my kids, and now both are emotionally struggling. I said that the cycle would be broken with me and I just perpetuated it. I'm so sorry for that.
Why does everyone (including me) have a cat as part of their screen name or avatar? We're a bunch of cat ladies.
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Join Date: Sep 2007
Location: Atlanta
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(((kitten))) 'cuz we LOVE our kitties?
Don't beat yourself up for the past. My dad, who is pretty darned firm when it comes to MY addiction, is very much a codie when it comes to that of my stepmom and niece. Sometimes we just don't know better. Addiction seems to make everything we think is loving and caring seem wrong.
It's not like we get a book, "how to deal with an addict", though there are some like that written. We make mistakes, but we learn. It was the same way when I was using...okay, that didn't work, let's try this...until the consequences overwhelmed me.
Most of us have never dealt with addiction until it's in our face, and it's someone we love dearly. Hell, I've made mistakes with my niece, and I'm an RA!! I just keep reading here, telling myself "okay, THAT didn't work, let's try something else". Slowly, but surely, I am moving to a place where I can let her make her mistakes, and realize it has nothing to do with me. I try to set a good example, but she may not see it. We do better when we know better.
Hugs and prayers,
Amy
Don't beat yourself up for the past. My dad, who is pretty darned firm when it comes to MY addiction, is very much a codie when it comes to that of my stepmom and niece. Sometimes we just don't know better. Addiction seems to make everything we think is loving and caring seem wrong.It's not like we get a book, "how to deal with an addict", though there are some like that written. We make mistakes, but we learn. It was the same way when I was using...okay, that didn't work, let's try this...until the consequences overwhelmed me.
Most of us have never dealt with addiction until it's in our face, and it's someone we love dearly. Hell, I've made mistakes with my niece, and I'm an RA!! I just keep reading here, telling myself "okay, THAT didn't work, let's try something else". Slowly, but surely, I am moving to a place where I can let her make her mistakes, and realize it has nothing to do with me. I try to set a good example, but she may not see it. We do better when we know better.
Hugs and prayers,
Amy
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Join Date: Oct 2011
Posts: 1,698
Hello Kit, I dont have any other good advice here, but the one thing I can say is , I think it is a lot harder with a daughter/mother than with the mother/son. I myself know that my daughter is MUCH more vulnerable and able to be "hurt" in life than my son.
My prayers and support go to you as a fellow participant in this ongoing madness called addiction. I was a former addict when I was in my 20's before I married my husband, and that was also a contributing factor to my ongoing codie behavior and enabling of my son thinking he would "grow out of" the drug use like I did DOH!
My prayers and support go to you as a fellow participant in this ongoing madness called addiction. I was a former addict when I was in my 20's before I married my husband, and that was also a contributing factor to my ongoing codie behavior and enabling of my son thinking he would "grow out of" the drug use like I did DOH!
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Kittenkaboodle....my heart is right there with you. Oh do I know how you feel!! This is such a miserable place to be in our lives but probably even worse for them. (My son - opiate addict - just turned 25) It has been a battle for me to realize that I can't control what this boy does. I've tried everything....love...stability....support....tough love...you name it..and still he continues on his addictive journey. It wasnt until I realized how his addiction was affecting MY health that I began to think....its not about him anymore...its now about me. I am focusing on my recovery from HIS addiction!! Stay strong...you sound like you are on the right path with this. Know that everyone here is with you and supports you! xoxo
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I finally got the strength and courage to attend one of the only TWO Nar-Anon meetings in my town last night (for the first time), only to be told (after I arrived) that they no longer have meetings there. How in a city with more than 3 million people, can there only be ONE Nar-Anon meeting, and it's 45-60 minutes from my home?
Btw, I live in the cocaine capital and I don't mean Bogota. Addiction is through the roof here and only one meeting?
Btw, I live in the cocaine capital and I don't mean Bogota. Addiction is through the roof here and only one meeting?
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