ttay

I'm not personally an addict, but I've come here to seek help from others because my boyfriend was (is)?
We have been dating for almost two years. Early on, he disclosed to me that he had a problem with drugs (crack) and had been to rehab twice. He said he wasn't using everyday, and wasn't a 'crack head'. When we started dating he had been sober for a year and a half or two. He is an amazing person, who never treats me badly. He is kind, smart, and hard working. However, there are things about our relationship that are unraveling. I'm worried I'm either ignoring the signs of an addict or making them up because of his past. Basically:
I've found vodka bottles, whiskey bottles, you name it, hidden around the house, in his car, above the cabinets... over the past 7 months or so. But he NEVER appears drunk. He says he can't drink... I find empty bottles... we fight... he says it will stop. Then it happens again. OR he will drink some of my wine (I rarely drink) and fill the bottle back up with water! He also fills the occasional bottle of alcohol up with water- does he think no one will notice?? Drives me crazy. He also drank my prescription cough medicine from when I was sick, filled it up with water, and put it back under the sink. Why would he do this if he knew I would eventually see it was filled with water?
Also, I suffer from ADD and APD. I have prescription for adderall, which I take a few times a week when I'm in school. It has been disappearing and running out faster than I take it. I have resorted to counting them, yet my bf still denies taking them. Finally, I found orange powder in the bathroom and pieces of orange pill on the floor. He admitted he got some from a friend... but not mine?? I got a lock box (3 code combo from staples) and caught him trying to break into it with a carving knife. He claims he was 'bored'. Is this addict behavior- is he selling my pills- how do i tell if he is addicted? What are the signs?
I love him, but do not want to be sucked into a vicious cycle of ups and downs for the rest of my life. I'm heartbroken he steals from me and continues to lie about taking my medication. The thing is- he never acts 'high'.
Has anyone else gone through this? Can a former addict change?

laurie6781

First let me say WELCOME to Sober Recovery. I am glad you found us but sorry for why you had to.

Read your post again, you have listed the signs.

Read the 'stickys' at the beginning of this forum, read some of the threads.

You might want to check out Naranon or if very few Naranon meetings in your area, Alanon.

There are no guarantees with addiction. You will find that some of us are 'double winners' not only overcoming our addiction but also our co dependency traits.

However, recovery from either or both is not easy.

I cannot tell you to go or stay, however, I will suggest that you do a "Pro and Con" list on staying with him, if everything stays the same as it is now, if nothing changes, if he continues to steal prescriptions and lies. And keep in mind that addiction always gets worse, never better.

There will be others along to welcome you and pass on some of their Experience, Strength and Hope (ES&H).

One thing we have all learned ............................ WE CANNOT LOVE OUR A BACK TO HEALTH.

Please keep posting and let us know how you are doing as we do care so very much. Feel free to rant, rave, scream, cry, and even laugh.

We are here for you.

Love and hugs,

outtolunch

Sounds like you maybe fell for the guy you wanted or needed him to be, instead of who he is.

He is an addict in active addiction doing what addicts do, protecting and
sustaining addiction at all costs.

Are you OK in a relationship based on manipulation, lies and theft? It is not normal to have to stash your meds and/or money in a safe. Speaking of money, protect your bank accounts, ATM, credit/debit cards and check book. It is not uncommon for checks in the middle of the deck to go missing. Such is life with someone in active addiction. It's progressive.

Boundaries ( your bottom line) begin with "I will/will not..." as in, for example, " I will not live with someone in active addiction". A boundary does not seek to control other people or the outcome. A boundary demands you take responsibility for it. If you find yourself, in this example, in a relationship with an active addict, you remove your self from it and do so to protect yourself from the insanity if it.

Attempts to control other people usually begin with " you will/ will not....or else". Attempts to control are doomed to fail. You can't fix him. You don't have the power. None of us do.

ninja

Ooooh.....we must have the same boyfriend! I went through all that stuff. He even drank my vanilla and filled it with coffee! I tried the lock box for my prescriptions and he broke it open. Eventually my doctor was starting to think I was an addict! I started hiding my meds.....he'd find them so I'd find a new spot. I had to re-hide them so many times I started to forget where I hid them! What a circus! I played the game for seven years. He got into my bank account and stole from my kids. It was horrible, but I hung in there. The kicker was when I wanted to go on a trip with my daughter and realized I didn't trust him alone in my home. If he didn't burn it down while stoned, he'd have sold everything in it including my dogs. Kicked him to the curb. I wish I'd have done it a lot sooner. I've moved to a new place and didn't give him my new address or phone and life is peaceful and wonderful.

Hanna

Hi ttay, Welcome to SoberRecovery.
Reading your post was tough, because you are going through the same "crazy making" that many of us have gone through. The best way to tell you are dealing with an addict is that you are starting to wonder if you are nuts yourself! Questioning your own judgement? Seeing things that don't make sense? Seeing a person behave in a way that defies logic? Sounds like you are dealing with an addict. Healthy people just don't behave the way you've described.

I am so glad you found this forum. Please keep posting and reading here.

A former addict may be able to change, but they have to actually be a former addict. Pretty sure that's not what you are dealing with today.

Hugs and Prayers.

dollydo

Welcome...

Plain and simply put, he is an addict. He is doing what addicts do.

I would suggest that you read all the stickies at the top of this forum, and read others posts.

Work on you, decide if this is the way you want to spend the rest of your life. He will be an addict all his life, it is just a matter of whether he is clean or not. There is no cure for this disease, and, it is progressive.

siblingofaddict

ttay, welcome. read the posts from the wise people on this forum, and read up on addiction. In my opinion, your RA is an active addict.

My brother is the addict in my life - here is part of my story that I hope helps you avoid some of what I had to experience in order to make the right decisions: My A was kicked out of my house when I was 12/13 for dealing drugs out of our basement, and then spent 8-9 years spiraling down while dealing and using drugs in and out of our house. By year 8, he was arrested for heroin possession and intent to distribute. He ended up going to jail for over a year. He was clean during jail and insisted when he got out that he was not an addict (despite a bender within the week that resulted in police).

Now, the part you'll be interested in - When he moved back into my family home, I saw signs almost immediately, but didn't understand addiction at the time. I pretended things were okay for quite a while and ignored the symptoms.
He stole from me.
He took my adderall prescription (for ADD) and emptied the capsules out - then put the empty capsules back in the container.
He stole my wine and would either drink then hide the bottle or add water to it. The same with my mother's rum and any other alcohol in the house.
He would obsessively take OTC pain medication, even though he has no reason to, as well as cold medicine.
He lied about everything - if his mouth was moving, he was lying.
He took things of mine and used them, then would lie when confronted and attempt to put them back later to pretend he never took them.
He was a master of pretending to be sober, even when I KNEW he'd been drinking.

Because he didn't drink or use every day, I let my life descend slowly into hell living with him. I enabled him and covered up things for a long time (my parents always left me alone with him for days at a time). I depended on my now exbf for physical and emotional support in covering up or fixing my brother's misdeeds. We took over his responsibilities and allowed completely unacceptable behavior to go on...My ex finally left me, and the next time my parents left - I came home from work one night, my brother was very high and very drunk, and got a DUI the next morning then became violent with me (breaking my cell phone when I tried to call the police). That is the rock bottom it took to break me out of my denial that he is an addict and I have a problem.

You are ahead of me so much just by being here before hitting rock bottom! But when you look at the list of things you see happening around you, ask yourself...do you really not know if he is an addict still or not?

thanks for letting me share part of my story.

believeinangels

I'm new here too, and as I read this I had tears in my eyes because I am dealing and living with a crack addict as well. He too is a wonderful guy when he is sober, he treats me like a queen. But then there is this side of him that I don't know, he has one thing on his mind and that is to get high. I've trusted him, but this last time he went out on a bender, he had my cell phone with him. I don't know how he did it, but he met a woman, I prefer to call her a coke ho and somehow, part of their conversation was recorded into my voicemail. Imagine my dismay when I heard him ask her for a kiss, tell her how attracted he was to her when he saw her in the bar and how happy he was that he met her that night. I was crushed and all I could do was cry. I deal with my emotions in poetry, so I wrote this and I'm glad I found someone to share it with because living like this....I have no one to talk to because I'm ashamed for my family and friends to know how terribly wrong things are going when they too love him because they see, mr wonderful too, but they don't know his deep dark secret. He was 10 years sober when I met him, or so he said. He started using a month after we met...and it's been almost 3 years now. I believed him to be faithful because he was so hurt when an old girlfriend cheated on him....he tried to tell me it wasn't him on the voicemail and got really angry....angry because he was caught. Here is my poem:

The Fine Line

With a fine line between love and hate,
I find my mind in a hot debate
I thought you knew between right and wrong
But you crossed the line, now my trust is gone.

With a fine line between love and hate
Perhaps it was maybe a touch of fate
Divine intervention, some might say
But it was a rude awakening for me that day

With a fine line between love and hate
It was you that left me at home to wait
I can’t believe you could do that to me
Where were your morals and honesty

With a fine line between love and hate
Maybe your words to her were fake
But I heard the kiss with my own two ears
It pierced my soul and brought me to tears.

With a fine line between love and hate
You know how much I perseverate
You can’t deny what I know I heard
To dismiss my feelings is completely absurd

With a fine line between love and hate
The path of our future I contemplate
You broke my heart and now I cry
All because you were getting high

With a fine line between love and hate
My final decision will have to wait
You threatened the bond between me and you
I LOVE who you are but I HATE what you do.

I worked in a drug and alcohol treatment center when I was in college and I know that his actions are a direct result of his addiction, but it's hard to not take it personal when I'm right in the middle of it.

outtolunch

Powerful stuff, sibling.

Really like the way you framed this. Taking responsibility for our choices, what we have allowed, our denial, enablement and our own problems.... instead of focusing on people, places things we have no control over.