Windblown

O.K. So I have bought him a couple pair of jeans, a hoodie, socks, and a t shirt. I really want to send him a couple of $100.00 bills. He used to always get birthday and Christmas money from my Mom and Dad. They did not even send a card. I understand. But I also understand he is sick. I know he still loves me. Is it wrong to share what I have?

I already know the answer.

I sent him only gift cards to macdonalds and burger king for his birthday. Which was Dec.6 but he only gave me his address today...because he wanted me to forward his mail with a credit card in it. We texted. I told him I love you and he said I love you too Mom and thanks. It made me feel so good. I miss that son of mine. I also sent him the NA big book and told him if he didn't want it to leave it in a phone booth or something so a random miracle might happen for someone else.

What are you all doing for Christmas gifts for addicted loved ones who are far away? Or close?

LiveAndLove

I am saying this from a daughter's perspective of my mother. I am an adult and old enough to make adult decisions. I do not, nor should I expect, anything from my mother. Of course I love my mother and cherish those times when mom would spoil me with presents as a kid. But now as an adult time spent with my mom in person is more valuable then any material thing.

You sound like a proud mom and the decision of what to give your son is only up to you. I think you did make a wise decision on not giving him the $ though.

Ilovemysonjj

Wind, I bought my son some clothes and since he is in rehab, we can only give one gift. He has everything else he needs , food, shelter, toiletries and new clothes and shoes. We are making him a photo album and most likely I will throw in a burger king card since there is a BK close by. I am not giving any money as it would send a mixed message, we are holding him accountable with love for the theft of over 10,000.00 of our stuff which the court has ordered that he begin restitution to us after rehab. I understand your situation is different but know that cash is not a good idea for an Addict, it will just trigger him to want to spend it on the stuff you don't want him to have.
Hugs,
Teresa

Impurrfect

(((Windblown))) - I definitely would not send the money. I understand you love him and he's always gotten stuff for b'day and Christmas, but he's got one thing on his mind.

The choice is yours, but I can tell you that when I was actively using, $100-$200 would have kept me happy and high for a little bit, but then I'd be right back out there, getting more dope.

FWIW, my dad did buy me clothes when I was out on the street - they were left behind when I got locked up, but I did appreciate them at the time.

Hugs and prayers,

Amy

Windblown

Yeah...I would like to see my son at Christmas but he moved away two weeks ago. I don't think I should plan to visit him at this point after all the chaos that just went on. I thank you for your very mature post. Sounds like you got it together! Keep up the good work!

Windblown

Impurrfect...when my AS moved here he had nothing. When he left he had a closet full of nice clothes and shoes.i doubt any of that made it to GA or his car or motorcycle. So perhaps just the clothes. It's a change. In my family between parents and children...it's always money at Christmas. I can't remember when my Mom or Dad actually shopped, wrapped and mailed me a gift. But I still do that for them and my children...because I think it is nice to think of others...and wrap a pretty present for them to open. I didn't buy anything for me to open though. Well my husband and I each bought some gloves while we were out and I can wrap those up. I could care less about presents or Christmas hoopla but I still do it. Still stresses me a bit...try to make it just right!

This is the first year my two sons haven't been together at Christmas. I will enjoy my well son. He is 21. Whatever will we do for 3 weeks. I always feel like I have to have a plan or an activity. I'm so off sometimes. Gotta' let it unfold.

ownedbypugs

My AS is 21 yo also, and I was having the same issue of wondering what to get him. He gets out of rehab this Friday and will be going into a sober living facility on Monday. We usually give our kids money every year, and this year, I already told him I'm not giving him money. He wants a PS3 to take to his new "home" so I am either giving him a gift card towards it, or taking him to buy it. He typically gets laid off every winter, and he is laid off now, and is getting unemployment. He has over $1,200. on his card. It's his card, and when he leaves here I will give it to him. So, I just hope he uses it for his rent at the halfway house. They will be drug testing upon his arrival, and randomly so the choice is his. But I can tell you this, if he would come up dirty on a test, he's not coming back here.

useyourwords

I adopt a family every year in my sister's name. She is always appreciative of this, even when she was in the height of her addiction and stealing all the time. Over the years we have gotten almost completely away from gifts in my family, focusing on adopting families or making other donations and we all are so much happier for it! Helping those in need, not dealing with the mall, and not stressing about anyone selling their gifts for drugs i also like the idea someone mentioned of photos/photo album.

mattparadise

Gift cards for a grocery store would be helpful. Cell phone mins can also be useful. Like another user mentioned, a photo album with pictures sounds like the perfect gift. I know I really didn't like the "books" my mom would always try to pile on me during my days in AA. Hence, I'd avoid those kinds of gifts. My big book is being saved for my one year sober date. I'm going to burn it in a bonfire as a note of my accomplishment.

outtolunch

Consider the gift of dignity to experience the consequences of his lousy choices.

Justfor1

Christmas is a time of family togetherness & gift giving/receiving. Even addicts should take part in the family functions at Christmas. It will help him feel that he is still part of the family even with his unpopular disease.

dollydo

Any gift card can be sold for drugs. A ten dollar card sold for five and so on, it is a common practice, I have seen it many times at gas stations and Walmart.

Clothes, with tags removed, may be the answer.

The decision is yours, do what you believe is best for him...and you.

MsPINKAcres

This will be another Christmas with my daughter in jail - I wrote her a letter - with NO money enclosed.

It wasn't out of spite, meanness or payback . . . It was because I love her so much I want better for her. I so don't want to be the one thing that has kept her from hitting her bottom.

I told her I loved her, I was praying for her and that I knew she had the strength, courage and wisdom with her HP to find her way to a better way of life. And that regardless of whatever happened - I would ALWAYS love her.

That was my gift to her.

My step-son that is on the same destructive path ~ my gift to him is that I'm raising his daughter, I bought a gift for him to give to his daughter for Christmas; I constantly reassure her how much he loves her when he never shows up; I give her love, stability, peace and compassion when she is hurt & mad about missing him; I never speak ill of him in her presence and I make sure that others respect that boundary.

Mr. Pink may not be at the same place ~ so he may choose to do some little gift from him ~ that's his choice. He is at his own pace in his recovery. I will take our granddaughter to pick out something for her dad, because little ones need to share that gift giving joy.

I know that we have agreed if my step-son shows up to allow him to spend the nite at the house with our granddaughter so that he can spend time with her on Christmas morning ~ but I won't be surprised if he is a no show.

Either way there will be love, healthy compassion and peace in this house

Those are the gifts I know I can give to the ones I love so dearly that are affected by this disease - anything else I am afraid I might relapse into codie behaviors and that isn't good for anyone.

Just my e, s, & h. . .

PINK HUGS,
Rita

Chino

Not in my home when under the influence, and it's an agreement we all made together. Too many holidays were ruined.

We're not giving our recovering daughter any money, or any big ticket items that deprive her of the opportunity to earn it on her own. She's also emphatically stated that we've given enough. I've given her a few small items already, though.

Last year she gave me my presents early (seasonal candles and holders she wanted me to enjoy during the entire holiday). This year, I did the same with her. I also gave her an old fiber optic tabletop tree that was headed for donation. Friday night she'll enjoy the last gift from me -- the Nutcracker ballet. She is so excited

Two days ago, I told my husband and son she finally has gratitude, it's so obvious, but we had to stop giving so much for that to happen. We've all received a miracle and it's the greatest gift we share as a family

newby1961

I am an addict who has been clean for 8 years. My mom used the tough love model with me but instead of it being tough love she just cut me out of her life and the families. My Dad on the other hand would send me money and gifts and I can say when I was using 100% of what was sent I found a way to use it to buy dope. Do not send any electronics or buy them they are always the first to go.

My mom passed away 2 years ago and although our relationship was still strained a bit it was a whole lot better than my using days. Its weird cause she was an alcoholic but she would tell me she was different than me?

It is a terrible thing for a child to grow up feeling unloved by their family regardless of whether they are an addict/alcoholic. Remember we are sick people trying to get well not bad people trying to get good.

I bet even a few dollars on your daughters books would go a long way. Believe me she is already paying dearly being in jail.

Freedom1990

My 33-year-old AD is still sitting in jail on felony drug charges. She's getting a card with a $15 money order to buy basics at the jail commissary. That's it, and she's damned lucky to get that.

tbeit

Hey Matt why would you burn your BB. In my opinion at a year is when you will start really needing it. I still have my original from 1990 and look at it occasionally you may want to rethink that. 1 year is a great place to be but not the finish line good luck man.



Windblown you sound like a good mom and hopefully some day soon your son will come around. Try to enjoy your holiday your worth it

EJG123

I gave my D a framed picture of her extended family and a mug with a picture of her cat on it. I also took her to lunch.