chaparrita

Hi there.

My husband of 8 years (we have 2 small children together) just admitted he has been taking cocaine on and off since before he met me and pretty steadily the last 4 years, about 3-4 times a week. I had NO IDEA. We have had a very rocky time of it, particularly the last 4 years, coincidentally, with him sometimes staying out all night, lying a lot, irresponsible/unreliable with his home and family responsibilities....and I just attributed all this to our age difference and a tendency to drink too much. Reading about cocaine addiction I can't believe how obvious it is that our problems have been due to this. It is in fact somewhat of a relief to know what it is.

He says he wants help and went to one AA meeting. says he only does coke when he drinks so that if he could stop drinking he thinks he could stop cocaine. He also called a counselor's number i found for him but he seems to be acting like he can deal with this on his own. I don't know much about it all yet but I'm thinking a 10+ year cocaine habit can't be that easy to end.

But what do people do in these cases, go to AA or NA? and what does recovery look like..how long?

I told my mom and sister today...and I had never spoken to them about all the problems we've had. i just told him that they know and he is very upset about it...family birthdays and christmas coming up, etc. I don't know if I should have told him that they know. and I also wonder if I should tell his parents...they live in another country.

also not sure what my role should be in all this. what can I/should I do?

Thanks for reading. I can't believe I am writing on an addiction forum, and also I can't believe I didn't realize that was the problem in my marriage. I look forward to your insights.

neferkamichael

Chaparrita, do your best to help your husband, but make him understand he has to do the work to get sober/straight. He wont be graduating from a course of recovery, he will be changing his way of life permanently if he expects to stay sober.

Windblown

I am learning that alcohol is addiction same as drugs. So NA or A.A....but he will find his own way. Don't feel bad about not knowing. I didn't know or maybe I knew on some level but didn't want to deal with it. It was easier to just say...oh all the kids out there are just 'experiementing'. Addicts are very good hiders...they have to be to keep the addiction they feel they must have in order to function. What they don't realize is that's the lie addiction tells. It is actually slowly killing them.

So if you're on the other side...Naranon and Alanon meetings have helped me alot. Google the meetings in your area and just show up. Addiction is a family disease...we all need recovery and we can only change ourselves.

dollydo

I do believe that alcohol does highten ones inhibitions, however, I don't believe that is the reason he does crack. He is cross addicted, not unusual for an addict. My exabf smoked pot to stop drinking, then he drank and smoked. Then he drank to not use crack, then he drank and used. Then he got addicted to pills to stop using crack, then porn...you get my drift.

Children should never be raised in a home of an addict. They hear and see everything, they have already inherited the gene that predisposes them to addiction, and will carry their childhood into adulthood.

What are your bounderies? You cannot help him, he has to want recovery more than anything else in the world, fewer than 10% of addicts stay clean for life, so, I would suggest that you work on you.

Read all the stickies at the top of this page, read others posts, get yourself to Alanon and/or
Naranon meetings, knowledge is power, and, support is essential.

Keep posting, we are here for you.

Chino

If your husband is truly taking the first step towards recovery and keeps on, everything will change for him. It has to. Who he was lead him to where he is. Since he was already an addict when you met him, that means you've only known him one way.

If it feels like your world was rocked, that's because it was. And it's a long, long road before it all settles down. It's a wonderful thing that you've reached out, please continue doing that. Go to meetings and, if you can afford it, find a therapist for yourself who specializes in addiction.

We always inform and remind members of the 3 C's: we didn't cause addiction, we can't control it, and we can't cure it.

However, as a member has reminded me, we can definitely contribute to the addiction. We do that by enabling and attempting to control. We have to learn how to break our own learned bad habits and unhealthy ways of thinking. We have to learn to let our addicted loved ones fully own their disease, and that leads us to owning our part and learning to control the only person we can -- ourselves.

outtolunch

My screen name defines how I felt when I first came here. Like many, I was stunned to eventually learn that my daughter was an addict. How the hello did this happen? I really had no clue.

Anyway, whatever your husband is telling you is not the whole truth. Addiction demands he protect and sustain it at all costs. He's not using at you or the family. It's not personal. If our love could cure this, none of us would be here.

Do what you need to do to protect yourself and your children. No one just snaps out of addiction and saying and doing are different things. As for telling the rest of the family.....that's your call. examine your own motives for doing so. They, like you, can't fix him. He owns his addiction and recovery.

Hanna

My brother is an alcoholic and an addict, and attends both AA & NA depending upon what is available. I think you will find many addicts in an AA meeting, but perhaps in the closed meetings where people may get into details it helps to be at an NA meeting.

Their root cause are the same, and the mental treatment and recovery is the same. The physical recovery is different and the experiences of an Addict and a Alcoholic may vary.

chaparrita

thanks for your replies. I am going to be looking for a group/meetings to join, and I am going to return to a therapist that I have seen on and off over the years.

I realize in reading about addiction that I have been enabling him by keeping his bad behavior a secret from my family for so long. I realize now in retrospect that by putting up with the behavior, by not leaving him and by not telling people how he was treating me, I have allowed him to keep doing what he was doing, even though I didn't know it was drugs.

I am just wondering what your thoughts are about having told some of my my family now...and how much should I tell, and who. He was upset with me telling my mom and sister, and wanted me to promise not to tell his parents. I said I wouldn't promise that but that I hoped he would tell them himself. Your thoughts about telling friends and family? any links to resources and posts about this?

outtolunch

People tend to treat us the way we allow. That's our role in all of this. Take time to define your own boundaries which begin with " I will/ willnot...." For example, "I will not live with someone who takes off on drug binges" is a boundary. It does not attempt to control the addict or his outcome. When faced with a binge, you remove yourself from the situation, either leave or don't let him back in.

Attempts to control other people usually begin with " you will/ will not..... or else" Attempts to control other people don't work. Heck, if they did work, none of us would be here cause Lord knows, we have all tried to control and fix the addicts in our lives.

Getting back to his parents.....what's your motivation? Setting the record straight? Drawing a line in the sand? Expecting them to side with you or do something? Do you need or want financial or emotional support from them? How much do they understand about the addiction beast? Are they prone to codependency? Blood is thicker than water and often times the parents of adult addicts blame the spouce, have their own enabling thing going on or out of ignorance believe their adult child will just snap out of it.

So what's the outcome you expect after telling your inlaws?

Chino

"We're only as sick as our secrets."

I didn't share my daughter's addiction with family, because it was her secret to tell. But if I had felt that doing so would help ME begin to heal, I would have. As it is, my mom is a substance abuse counselor and codie. History told us she'd attempt to control and it would get ugly.

Justlizzyd

I used to talk freely with AH mother about his addiction after a big blow up that she was made aware of. Since my AH sister passed away last year due to a car wreck and my MIL was in a very bad state of grief. I decided not to go there even if she asked. I just said, "he's doing" and left it at that. Not for AH or for me but for her. That is about to end as I feel she is doing better with her grief.

If his parents wind up enabling him, yes, I believe a conversation is well needed.

I take this stance for me. If asked, I tell the truth but I don't volunteer information. I am not going to cover up but I am not going to be an open book to others who might not understand.