Christmas in Rehab
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Christmas in Rehab
Hi everyone, my son is still doing well in his new rehab, we visited him yesterday and they did a wonderful holiday dinner and carols, etc. We will not be in town on Christmas, which is the next day that is available to visit with him. I didn't tell him anything yesterday about our going out of town for two reasons.
1: Didn't want to disappoint him
2: Don't want him knowing we wont be home because of his past violations of our home.
Now I wonder how we let him know we wont be visiting him on Christmas? Any advice?
PS: He is doing well, but I am not ready to trust him yet. Too much issues in the past to still work through.
We are allowed to give him a gift, which I am going to drop off on 12-18 for the office to deliver to him.
1: Didn't want to disappoint him
2: Don't want him knowing we wont be home because of his past violations of our home.
Now I wonder how we let him know we wont be visiting him on Christmas? Any advice?
PS: He is doing well, but I am not ready to trust him yet. Too much issues in the past to still work through.
We are allowed to give him a gift, which I am going to drop off on 12-18 for the office to deliver to him.
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Join Date: Nov 2011
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That is such a tough one... does he have grandparent who can visit him instead, as a surprise? When I was a teenager and hated my parents, I always stayed very close with my grandmother no matter what was happening, because she never judged me and I could always talk about how unreasonable I thought my mom was being... and end up getting the sympathy I hoped for :-)
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I was worried about not spending time with my brother over Thanksgiving, too.
The family had decided to have our meal in another city, even though we often have it in the same town where he's currently in rehab. Last year we'd never connected, because he was deep in addiction and no one wanted him to be there. It wasn't up to me, since I live far away and wasn't hosting, but it felt horrible to leave him alone and I know it hurt him.
It was tough. I didn't want him to feel alone or unloved or to be reminded of the previous year, but I didn't think I should miss Thanksgiving with everyone, either. I also didn't want to drive him there and be responsible for him. I knew there would be drinking and I didn't want him to be around that. But we don't really have a good way of getting in touch with him, and he never called to make any arrangements or find out the plan, so I just went ahead to the family dinner.
Turns out he didn't mind at all. He called during our meal and told me he had to work security that night, anyway, and that it wasn't about him. He said he was busy working on his recovery (he had a ton of writing to do) that he hadn't thought much about it. This was a big difference from the emotional mess he'd been in the past.
Just let your son know you love him, will miss him and and are looking forward to the years of good times ahead of you. He'll be fine.
The family had decided to have our meal in another city, even though we often have it in the same town where he's currently in rehab. Last year we'd never connected, because he was deep in addiction and no one wanted him to be there. It wasn't up to me, since I live far away and wasn't hosting, but it felt horrible to leave him alone and I know it hurt him.
It was tough. I didn't want him to feel alone or unloved or to be reminded of the previous year, but I didn't think I should miss Thanksgiving with everyone, either. I also didn't want to drive him there and be responsible for him. I knew there would be drinking and I didn't want him to be around that. But we don't really have a good way of getting in touch with him, and he never called to make any arrangements or find out the plan, so I just went ahead to the family dinner.
Turns out he didn't mind at all. He called during our meal and told me he had to work security that night, anyway, and that it wasn't about him. He said he was busy working on his recovery (he had a ton of writing to do) that he hadn't thought much about it. This was a big difference from the emotional mess he'd been in the past.
Just let your son know you love him, will miss him and and are looking forward to the years of good times ahead of you. He'll be fine.
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Thank you Hanna. We met so many loving recovering addicts yesterday and many are quite fond of our son. I know it will be okay. It is sad since this is the first Christmas we wont be with him, but then this is his path and no matter what, he will have other times in his life that he will have to be alone to deal with. The center is very strong in community and I know that many of the residents will bond together if their loved ones cannot make it.
To answer TallTrees, sadly only one of his Grandparents is still alive (my Mom) who lives in Richmond Virginia and is undergoing her 4th round of Chemo. She did get to see him on Thanksgiving however. I am resisting the guilt and the part where I try to "fix it" for my son
To answer TallTrees, sadly only one of his Grandparents is still alive (my Mom) who lives in Richmond Virginia and is undergoing her 4th round of Chemo. She did get to see him on Thanksgiving however. I am resisting the guilt and the part where I try to "fix it" for my son
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Chino, I think I am going to tell him when I deliver his Christmas gift that we are going out of town. Since we aren't leaving until 12-23, that is still almost 2 weeks from now. Hopefully he is working then since his program has labor force available after 45 days. That way he will be busy with work.
I also think that I am awfulizing the whole outcome of him being tempted to go into our house. We have very close neighbors who are aware of this situation with our son, and we can let them know in NO WAY is he allowed to be near the home. Also we have a stay away order through his probation that he is not allowed within 500 feet of our home and he is quite aware of that.
I am not going to remotely bring this up with him though. I am just going to let him know we chose to see our family in San Jose and he is more than welcome to call us when he can on Christmas and everyone can wish him well.
I also think that I am awfulizing the whole outcome of him being tempted to go into our house. We have very close neighbors who are aware of this situation with our son, and we can let them know in NO WAY is he allowed to be near the home. Also we have a stay away order through his probation that he is not allowed within 500 feet of our home and he is quite aware of that.
I am not going to remotely bring this up with him though. I am just going to let him know we chose to see our family in San Jose and he is more than welcome to call us when he can on Christmas and everyone can wish him well.
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Sounds like he's in a good place. It will likely be much harder on you than on him.
I think just telling him you are going out of town is perfect.
I awfulized alot, too. Then someone told me they were taught by their dad growing up "not to put our umbrellas up before it starts raining." Whenever I start stressing about scenarios I remind myself of that saying.
I think just telling him you are going out of town is perfect.
I awfulized alot, too. Then someone told me they were taught by their dad growing up "not to put our umbrellas up before it starts raining." Whenever I start stressing about scenarios I remind myself of that saying.
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I was in your shoes 4 years ago. My daughter was addicted to heroin, too.
Like your son, my daughter stole anything/everything that was not nailed down. Unlike you, we did not call the Police or press charges because I did not want to ruin her life. Back then I did not realize she was doing a terrific job of ruining her own life. Instead, I manipulated her into 3 back to back rehab stints because at the time I was convinced I could fix her. I was insane at the time.
Like you, we were unable to visit her on Christmas and she was 3000 miles away. So instead, I showered her with all sorts of gifts.
Most of the other guests went home for the holidays. Several returned packing drugs. My daughter traded gifts for pills in rehab. She also relapsed within hours of her eventual return home.
Looking back, the whole gifting thing was my own way of preserving my own fanasty that this was somehow normal which tied into my own sense that I somehow caused addiction and therefore I could fix it. Afterall, I never, not once, told my daughter to not shoot heroin:0
If I had a do over, I would have sent her a tin of cookies and called it a day. I would not use the holidays as an excuse to pretend all was well. There is nothing normal about heroin addiction. And anything and everything can be traded.
That your son could return to steal while you are out of town is a risk. Consider letting him know that you have installed a substantial alarm system, regardless if you have done so or not.
Like your son, my daughter stole anything/everything that was not nailed down. Unlike you, we did not call the Police or press charges because I did not want to ruin her life. Back then I did not realize she was doing a terrific job of ruining her own life. Instead, I manipulated her into 3 back to back rehab stints because at the time I was convinced I could fix her. I was insane at the time.
Like you, we were unable to visit her on Christmas and she was 3000 miles away. So instead, I showered her with all sorts of gifts.
Most of the other guests went home for the holidays. Several returned packing drugs. My daughter traded gifts for pills in rehab. She also relapsed within hours of her eventual return home.
Looking back, the whole gifting thing was my own way of preserving my own fanasty that this was somehow normal which tied into my own sense that I somehow caused addiction and therefore I could fix it. Afterall, I never, not once, told my daughter to not shoot heroin:0
If I had a do over, I would have sent her a tin of cookies and called it a day. I would not use the holidays as an excuse to pretend all was well. There is nothing normal about heroin addiction. And anything and everything can be traded.
That your son could return to steal while you are out of town is a risk. Consider letting him know that you have installed a substantial alarm system, regardless if you have done so or not.
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Hi OTL, good to chat again . Yes I also believe that even if he "looks good", there is so much more work for him to do. The hard part for me is that "Talk". Saying the words, "dont come over to the house" because in the rehab he is in, they are very very strict. They do not allow them off site passes except for sponsored visits to NA meetings and or job hunting. This rehab is about 20 miles from our home. If he chose to leave the rehab during the holidays that would be the time I would be concerned.
Just curious, when your daughter was recovering during her relapse times, did she continue to steal or did she get to the stealing point after the relapse and eventual meltdown of their self control? Right now, he looks and acts better than he did before he started doing heroin or drugs. He is positive minded and even in this strict environment, he is managing. The theft of our possessions came when he moved back in after a near OD and relapsed big time. He had NO MONEY and NO JOB and resorted to stealing to support his habit. Also I should mention, after our losses, we got a safe that has both a combination and a key and both keys are safely tucked away with our key rings which never leave our possession. The only valuable things we have left that aren't locked up are the flat screen TV and the Play station 3. Not a lot left at this point LOL.. As far as the gift, I am making a scrapbook for him with family photos. We haven't given him ONE CENT for anything and will not do that. He has to fend for himself as far as that goes. we have given him some clothes, writing materials, toiletries and now this photo album. The center will only allow one gift per resident.
Thanks for the advice!
TT
. Yes I also believe that even if he "looks good", there is so much more work for him to do. The hard part for me is that "Talk". Saying the words, "dont come over to the house" because in the rehab he is in, they are very very strict. They do not allow them off site passes except for sponsored visits to NA meetings and or job hunting. This rehab is about 20 miles from our home. If he chose to leave the rehab during the holidays that would be the time I would be concerned.Just curious, when your daughter was recovering during her relapse times, did she continue to steal or did she get to the stealing point after the relapse and eventual meltdown of their self control? Right now, he looks and acts better than he did before he started doing heroin or drugs. He is positive minded and even in this strict environment, he is managing. The theft of our possessions came when he moved back in after a near OD and relapsed big time. He had NO MONEY and NO JOB and resorted to stealing to support his habit. Also I should mention, after our losses, we got a safe that has both a combination and a key and both keys are safely tucked away with our key rings which never leave our possession. The only valuable things we have left that aren't locked up are the flat screen TV and the Play station 3. Not a lot left at this point LOL.. As far as the gift, I am making a scrapbook for him with family photos. We haven't given him ONE CENT for anything and will not do that. He has to fend for himself as far as that goes. we have given him some clothes, writing materials, toiletries and now this photo album. The center will only allow one gift per resident.
Thanks for the advice!
TT
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Location: Chicago area
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The stealing occured before I knew what was going on and made it my life's mission to fix her. One night it was so bad that I caught her crawling on her hands and knees on my bedroom floor looking for my wallet or car keys. That was the night that I got some rope and physically tied her to me so that I could get some sleep. Did I mention I was insane at the time?
Her drug buddies would come around at night and scratch on the windows. Must of been some sort of code. Maybe the plan was for her to pass stuff to them through the window, pre alarms. I was so looney that I would wait and confront them and they were far more afriad of me than I was of them. At that point, I figured I had nothing to lose.
Once home from rehab I physically searched her anytime she left the house. I probably should have considered searching her when she entered the house cause she was shooting in her bedroom, right under our noses. I came across these teeny tiny empty baggies while up to my elbow in the heating vents, on one of my routine household searches.
As you can imagine, I don't advocate for bringing adult children back home from rehab, anymore.
I really like your photo book, idea. Good for both of your souls. BTW, my daughter has been clean for some time now. She did it on her own, in her own timeframe, well after moving out. The streets are harder on women.
Her drug buddies would come around at night and scratch on the windows. Must of been some sort of code. Maybe the plan was for her to pass stuff to them through the window, pre alarms. I was so looney that I would wait and confront them and they were far more afriad of me than I was of them. At that point, I figured I had nothing to lose.
Once home from rehab I physically searched her anytime she left the house. I probably should have considered searching her when she entered the house cause she was shooting in her bedroom, right under our noses. I came across these teeny tiny empty baggies while up to my elbow in the heating vents, on one of my routine household searches.
As you can imagine, I don't advocate for bringing adult children back home from rehab, anymore.
I really like your photo book, idea. Good for both of your souls. BTW, my daughter has been clean for some time now. She did it on her own, in her own timeframe, well after moving out. The streets are harder on women.
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Thank you OTL, I also had the hands and knees stealing scenario, I didn't tie him up but I enabled, and when my screams woke up my husband, I just said I had a bad dream 
. What a relief to think of how I lived for about 7 months, with every bone in my body saying something is wrong, me not acting on that, and then the finale of the police taking him away.. That is not my life anymore. I never wake up in the morning when my husband is rolling out of bed worrying that something is missing OR that my son isn't home when he is supposed to be, etc.
I truly truly believe in my case, that his separation and ability to find connections with other people who are working on recovery, are MUCH better than living under my roof and hanging out with heroin addicts and other enabled, non accountable people of his age.
TT
. What a relief to think of how I lived for about 7 months, with every bone in my body saying something is wrong, me not acting on that, and then the finale of the police taking him away.. That is not my life anymore. I never wake up in the morning when my husband is rolling out of bed worrying that something is missing OR that my son isn't home when he is supposed to be, etc. I truly truly believe in my case, that his separation and ability to find connections with other people who are working on recovery, are MUCH better than living under my roof and hanging out with heroin addicts and other enabled, non accountable people of his age.
TT
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We had a similar safe. Two keys and a combination, weighed a ton, took 3 men to carry it into the house and we had it bolted to the floor in our bedroom closet. Didn't realize that given enough time, like the 8 or 9 hours a typical person is at work, it could be cut open with a hacksaw. Very determined burglar...
I'm very glad to hear your son is doing well! I'll be praying he continues to do well. Enjoy your holiday, it sounds like your son is in a great place and will be just fine.
I'm very glad to hear your son is doing well! I'll be praying he continues to do well. Enjoy your holiday, it sounds like your son is in a great place and will be just fine.
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