RAD w/baby moved in, need advice please
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Oct 2008
Location: WA
Posts: 75
RAD w/baby moved in, need advice please
My 21yo RAD and her baby moved in last Tuesday. She graduated from a 6 month treatment program and is still on methadone, decreasing her dose once a week until she's completely off.
I made a mistake by not writing down boundaries before she moved in. Up until today, I have done pretty good at not worrying about what she's doing for her recovery. My husband and I offered rides in the evening if she wants to go to meetings. We're being careful not to push things. She hasn't gone to a meeting or found a new sponsor since she left treatment. It has only been 8 days and it's starting to bug me. There seems to be some problem with her starting outpatient treatment as well. I overheard her talking with the clinic so I know this was true last week, but that was 7 days ago and I'm not sure why it hasn't been resolved. Someone is apparently "sick" or does not return her calls.
Today on my lunch break, I opened my Facebook and my newsfeed showed a post from her, asking all 650 of her friends if they wanted to go to a meeting, hang out, or "what not." She was using the typical slang talk that most teens and young adults do, I guess I was hoping that slang language might upgrade to mom speak now that she has a baby, but it hasn't. More so, I was concerned that she was telling her friends what city she lived in and that she had no transportation. I called her when I saw the post and reminded her that no one was allowed over. She got very defensive and said that wouldn't happen. I emailed her shortly thereafter and said we needed to go over our boundaries and I would like to do that tomorrow night. She replied that if she was going to cross my boundaries, she would not do so on facebook, and that she did not feel she crossed them. I emailed her one last time saying that we hadn't even gone over boundaries so she would not know if she crossed one or not. I added that going to the methadone clinic, and to appointments involving social services ($$) did not equal working on her recovery and that one of the boundaries was that I needed to see that she was working on herself every day. That started a full blown attack towards me. I didn't respond because so much of what she said was untrue. I won't go into details. I know that my laziness/codependency has bitten me in the bottom because I did not want to rock the boat or bring up a contract for her and the baby living in the home. It is difficult for me to come up with a contract when I don't know what the consequences will be when a boundary is broken and there is a baby involved.
I just really need help here. Basically, I want her to show me that she is working at bettering herself so she can be on her own one day. We have talked about her going back to school and many times she has said she wanted to do that. I also want to see her going to meetings and working on the steps with a sponsor again.
She is living rent free and is getting assistance from the state. She has probation fees to pay in two states, one state in particular to get her driver's license back. I would like to see her making some effort to take care of these things, but I don't know if it's possible to express these specifically in detail as a boundary.
I could really use some advice. She is now sitting at home telling a family friend she is depressed and is afraid of failing. I don't know if this is a pity party because of my bringing up the need to discuss boundaries. Whether it is or isn't, I still need to figure out how to express my boundaries constructively. I could really use some advice.
I made a mistake by not writing down boundaries before she moved in. Up until today, I have done pretty good at not worrying about what she's doing for her recovery. My husband and I offered rides in the evening if she wants to go to meetings. We're being careful not to push things. She hasn't gone to a meeting or found a new sponsor since she left treatment. It has only been 8 days and it's starting to bug me. There seems to be some problem with her starting outpatient treatment as well. I overheard her talking with the clinic so I know this was true last week, but that was 7 days ago and I'm not sure why it hasn't been resolved. Someone is apparently "sick" or does not return her calls.
Today on my lunch break, I opened my Facebook and my newsfeed showed a post from her, asking all 650 of her friends if they wanted to go to a meeting, hang out, or "what not." She was using the typical slang talk that most teens and young adults do, I guess I was hoping that slang language might upgrade to mom speak now that she has a baby, but it hasn't. More so, I was concerned that she was telling her friends what city she lived in and that she had no transportation. I called her when I saw the post and reminded her that no one was allowed over. She got very defensive and said that wouldn't happen. I emailed her shortly thereafter and said we needed to go over our boundaries and I would like to do that tomorrow night. She replied that if she was going to cross my boundaries, she would not do so on facebook, and that she did not feel she crossed them. I emailed her one last time saying that we hadn't even gone over boundaries so she would not know if she crossed one or not. I added that going to the methadone clinic, and to appointments involving social services ($$) did not equal working on her recovery and that one of the boundaries was that I needed to see that she was working on herself every day. That started a full blown attack towards me. I didn't respond because so much of what she said was untrue. I won't go into details. I know that my laziness/codependency has bitten me in the bottom because I did not want to rock the boat or bring up a contract for her and the baby living in the home. It is difficult for me to come up with a contract when I don't know what the consequences will be when a boundary is broken and there is a baby involved.
I just really need help here. Basically, I want her to show me that she is working at bettering herself so she can be on her own one day. We have talked about her going back to school and many times she has said she wanted to do that. I also want to see her going to meetings and working on the steps with a sponsor again.
She is living rent free and is getting assistance from the state. She has probation fees to pay in two states, one state in particular to get her driver's license back. I would like to see her making some effort to take care of these things, but I don't know if it's possible to express these specifically in detail as a boundary.
I could really use some advice. She is now sitting at home telling a family friend she is depressed and is afraid of failing. I don't know if this is a pity party because of my bringing up the need to discuss boundaries. Whether it is or isn't, I still need to figure out how to express my boundaries constructively. I could really use some advice.
Last edited by 357girl; 12-07-2011 at 04:00 PM. Reason: typos
Nature Girl
Join Date: Mar 2002
Location: By The Lake
Posts: 60,328
Boundaries are different than rules, although the two are similar in many ways.
Boundaries are about what is and is not acceptable in your life, and the consequence to anyone who does not respect them.
Some examples of boundaries I set for my son when he lived with us were...
I need my sleep so the doors are locked at 11 pm. Consequence for being late...belongings would be on the front porch and he would have to find another place to live.
I will not be spoken to disrespectfully. If any conversation gets heated or angry, it is over right then. It may be resumed some later time when cool heads prevail. Consequence for continued disrespect is immediate eviction with busfare to the nearest shelter provided.
Active addiction cannot live in my home. To live in my home, he must be actively involved in some recovery activity...meetings or counseling or both. And he must work at least part time and pay for his own needs. I would provide food and shelter, he must pay for his own clothing, cigarettes and toiletries. There would be no using drugs, inside or out, while living in my home and any suspicion on my part meant I could search my entire home, including his room at any time. Consequence for crossing any of these boundaries was "I will love you just as much living anywhere else". Instant eviction.
Giving a time frame for eviction did nothing except prolong the inevitable. He never once found another place, that allowed him to play the guilt card.
The times when he had to leave were not because "I put him out" but because he knowingly crossed my boundaries fully aware of the consequence. It was his choice...respect my boundaries and live with me or live however you want someplace else.
Your boundaries are about what is acceptable for you and may be quite different from mine. And truthfully, it never once worked with my son living at home. Each time I thought it would, each time I had promises from him, but sadly each time addiction won once again.
My prayers go out for you and your daughter. This won't be easy for either of you.
Hugs from one mamas heart to another.
Boundaries are about what is and is not acceptable in your life, and the consequence to anyone who does not respect them.
Some examples of boundaries I set for my son when he lived with us were...
I need my sleep so the doors are locked at 11 pm. Consequence for being late...belongings would be on the front porch and he would have to find another place to live.
I will not be spoken to disrespectfully. If any conversation gets heated or angry, it is over right then. It may be resumed some later time when cool heads prevail. Consequence for continued disrespect is immediate eviction with busfare to the nearest shelter provided.
Active addiction cannot live in my home. To live in my home, he must be actively involved in some recovery activity...meetings or counseling or both. And he must work at least part time and pay for his own needs. I would provide food and shelter, he must pay for his own clothing, cigarettes and toiletries. There would be no using drugs, inside or out, while living in my home and any suspicion on my part meant I could search my entire home, including his room at any time. Consequence for crossing any of these boundaries was "I will love you just as much living anywhere else". Instant eviction.
Giving a time frame for eviction did nothing except prolong the inevitable. He never once found another place, that allowed him to play the guilt card.
The times when he had to leave were not because "I put him out" but because he knowingly crossed my boundaries fully aware of the consequence. It was his choice...respect my boundaries and live with me or live however you want someplace else.
Your boundaries are about what is acceptable for you and may be quite different from mine. And truthfully, it never once worked with my son living at home. Each time I thought it would, each time I had promises from him, but sadly each time addiction won once again.
My prayers go out for you and your daughter. This won't be easy for either of you.
Hugs from one mamas heart to another.
Member
Join Date: Oct 2011
Posts: 115
hi 357 . . . so sorry for what you are going through! why is your daughter living with you? finding the initiative to work on the things you are hoping she will work on when you are allowing her to live in your house rent-free may prove difficult for her. i know it is always hard when there are little ones involved, but if it were me in addition to talking about your boundaries, i would be setting a time limit for her living there and a rent amount to start paying immediately. she is getting $, there is no reason she shouldn't be paying rent! if i could live somewhere rent free indefinitely, my motivation to keep myself on track with anything i am sure would dwindle quickly!!! just mho 
good luck!!
good luck!!
Member
Join Date: Feb 2008
Location: In a good place
Posts: 4,482
My personal boundaries and house rules aren't for discussion. When my daughter lived here, I typed them up and that was that, there they were in black and white.
It was hard for me not to remind her about my house rules. The more I reminded (attempting to control), the more tension I caused. It was also hard for me at first not to monitor her recovery, to allow her to own it. As with everything else, I had to let go and let her succeed or fail.
Ultimately, I ended up moving my daughter out. That was one of the smartest decisions I ever made. Turns out my issues really had nothing to do with her recovery, it was all about me needing my space, just as much as she needed hers. We have a beautiful relationship now
I called her when I saw the post and reminded her that no one was allowed over.
Ultimately, I ended up moving my daughter out. That was one of the smartest decisions I ever made. Turns out my issues really had nothing to do with her recovery, it was all about me needing my space, just as much as she needed hers. We have a beautiful relationship now
Living in a Pinkful Place
Join Date: May 2006
Location: Louisiana
Posts: 7,545
((357girl))
Do you know what boundaries and rules you want followed in your home?
It might be a good time to write down those rules - so that you can have time to think it out - write them down in a non-confrontational manner. Like you would a contract.
Direct and to the point - non-accusational - just fact based.
Examples. . .
In order to maintain the sanitary standards of our home, everyone is responsible for cleaning their own room, laundry and dishes.
So that a sufficient supply of items maybe available for everyone's use ~ when you use the last of a certain item, please add it on the grocery list on the side of the refrigerator.
To be curteous to everyone's sleep habits in our home, all TV's, radios, computers should be kept at a low volume after 10 pm.
For the safety & protection of our home, all doors are locked at 10 pm during the week & 11 pm during the weekend. Anyone not home by those hours will need to make arrangements to stay the night somewhere else.
Just a few examples for general household stuff, as you can see, I tried to make the statements, non-threatening and including all - especially to say "our home" so that everyone feels a part of the family.
Wishing you & your family the best !
PINK HUGS,
Rita
Do you know what boundaries and rules you want followed in your home?
It might be a good time to write down those rules - so that you can have time to think it out - write them down in a non-confrontational manner. Like you would a contract.
Direct and to the point - non-accusational - just fact based.
Examples. . .
In order to maintain the sanitary standards of our home, everyone is responsible for cleaning their own room, laundry and dishes.
So that a sufficient supply of items maybe available for everyone's use ~ when you use the last of a certain item, please add it on the grocery list on the side of the refrigerator.
To be curteous to everyone's sleep habits in our home, all TV's, radios, computers should be kept at a low volume after 10 pm.
For the safety & protection of our home, all doors are locked at 10 pm during the week & 11 pm during the weekend. Anyone not home by those hours will need to make arrangements to stay the night somewhere else.
Just a few examples for general household stuff, as you can see, I tried to make the statements, non-threatening and including all - especially to say "our home" so that everyone feels a part of the family.
Wishing you & your family the best !
PINK HUGS,
Rita
Let go and Let God!
Join Date: Sep 2011
Location: Ohio
Posts: 352
When I decided to get clean and I lived with my mom her boundaries were fairly easy. At least for me, because I wanted to be clean. I had a 3 yr old daughter when I moved in with her.
The boundaries were as follows:
-One meeting a week
-Had to be in school or working
-Had to buy my own things (clothing, cigarettes, ect.)
-Doors were locked at Midnight (with the exception of Holidays because where I live they have meetings every two hours all night long and I attended those)
-No guys allowed to spend the night
-I did mine and my daughters laundry
It all worked out until I had a hard time staying clean. I moved out. Now I have over 8 yrs clean and live back with my mom. Boundaries are a little different now, due to her knowing that I work a program and that my clean time is the most important thing to me. We have a wonderful relationship!!
Set your boundaries and stick to them. As a recovering addict the best thing is people not enabling us. Good Luck!!
The boundaries were as follows:
-One meeting a week
-Had to be in school or working
-Had to buy my own things (clothing, cigarettes, ect.)
-Doors were locked at Midnight (with the exception of Holidays because where I live they have meetings every two hours all night long and I attended those)
-No guys allowed to spend the night
-I did mine and my daughters laundry
It all worked out until I had a hard time staying clean. I moved out. Now I have over 8 yrs clean and live back with my mom. Boundaries are a little different now, due to her knowing that I work a program and that my clean time is the most important thing to me. We have a wonderful relationship!!
Set your boundaries and stick to them. As a recovering addict the best thing is people not enabling us. Good Luck!!
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Oct 2008
Location: WA
Posts: 75
again, this is all very helpful. I started reading up on boundaries the other day as I came to the conclusion (after re-reading my post several times) that I sounded like a complete newbie after 3 years of this. I simplyl have not done my homework.
This is the first time in nearly 3 years that we have allowed our daughter to move in with us. I believe this is what gave her the incentive to stay in treatment for 6 months, she really was excited about living with us again and I had told her several times when she wanted to leave treatment that she could not live with us until she graduated. Because she has always been labeled as high risk and would always go back to using just days after leaving rehab, our entire family and her counselors felt it was best for her and my new granddaughter to be at home with us. If my daughter relapses, the baby will be with us and not in an Oxford House or elsewhere. I realize everyone has their opinions about letting a sober addict move in, and yes, most are justified because most of the time it does not work! But, I have to give this a try for my grandaughter. My husband and I are bonding with her and are doing what we can to give her a safe environment. If my daughter chooses to relapse, the first phone call is to child protection services.
I don't want my boundaries to be demands or rules as to what my daughter needs to do for her recovery. Trying to control what she does (i.e. how many meetings she goes to, etc.) does not seem healthy to me. This is really hard.
This is the first time in nearly 3 years that we have allowed our daughter to move in with us. I believe this is what gave her the incentive to stay in treatment for 6 months, she really was excited about living with us again and I had told her several times when she wanted to leave treatment that she could not live with us until she graduated. Because she has always been labeled as high risk and would always go back to using just days after leaving rehab, our entire family and her counselors felt it was best for her and my new granddaughter to be at home with us. If my daughter relapses, the baby will be with us and not in an Oxford House or elsewhere. I realize everyone has their opinions about letting a sober addict move in, and yes, most are justified because most of the time it does not work! But, I have to give this a try for my grandaughter. My husband and I are bonding with her and are doing what we can to give her a safe environment. If my daughter chooses to relapse, the first phone call is to child protection services.
I don't want my boundaries to be demands or rules as to what my daughter needs to do for her recovery. Trying to control what she does (i.e. how many meetings she goes to, etc.) does not seem healthy to me. This is really hard.
Member
Join Date: Feb 2008
Location: Chicago area
Posts: 4,269
Originally Posted by wow04 
When I decided to get clean and I lived with my mom her boundaries were fairly easy. At least for me, because I wanted to be clean. I had a 3 yr old daughter when I moved in with her.
The boundaries were as follows:
-One meeting a week
-Had to be in school or working
-Had to buy my own things (clothing, cigarettes, ect.)
-Doors were locked at Midnight (with the exception of Holidays because where I live they have meetings every two hours all night long and I attended those)
-No guys allowed to spend the night
-I did mine and my daughters laundry
It all worked out until I had a hard time staying clean. I moved out. Now I have over 8 yrs clean and live back with my mom. Boundaries are a little different now, due to her knowing that I work a program and that my clean time is the most important thing to me. We have a wonderful relationship!!
Set your boundaries and stick to them. As a recovering addict the best thing is people not enabling us. Good Luck!!
The boundaries were as follows:
-One meeting a week
-Had to be in school or working
-Had to buy my own things (clothing, cigarettes, ect.)
-Doors were locked at Midnight (with the exception of Holidays because where I live they have meetings every two hours all night long and I attended those)
-No guys allowed to spend the night
-I did mine and my daughters laundry
It all worked out until I had a hard time staying clean. I moved out. Now I have over 8 yrs clean and live back with my mom. Boundaries are a little different now, due to her knowing that I work a program and that my clean time is the most important thing to me. We have a wonderful relationship!!
Set your boundaries and stick to them. As a recovering addict the best thing is people not enabling us. Good Luck!!
The intention of boundaries is to control our own reactions/behaviors.
Congratulations on your clean time.
Member
Join Date: Dec 2003
Location: twilight zone,usa
Posts: 3,909
i started with baby steps when i came to s.r. it took me a long time to finally catch on. some things sound cruel but when we pratice our recovery we find out it really works even if the do not get sober. we can live normal lives & feel good again.
Member
Join Date: Nov 2011
Location: So Cal
Posts: 58
Originally Posted by wow04
When I decided to get clean and I lived with my mom her boundaries were fairly easy. At least for me, because I wanted to be clean. I had a 3 yr old daughter when I moved in with her.
The boundaries were as follows:
-One meeting a week
-Had to be in school or working
-Had to buy my own things (clothing, cigarettes, ect.)
-Doors were locked at Midnight (with the exception of Holidays because where I live they have meetings every two hours all night long and I attended those)
-No guys allowed to spend the night
-I did mine and my daughters laundry
It all worked out until I had a hard time staying clean. I moved out. Now I have over 8 yrs clean and live back with my mom. Boundaries are a little different now, due to her knowing that I work a program and that my clean time is the most important thing to me. We have a wonderful relationship!!
Set your boundaries and stick to them. As a recovering addict the best thing is people not enabling us. Good Luck!!
The boundaries were as follows:
-One meeting a week
-Had to be in school or working
-Had to buy my own things (clothing, cigarettes, ect.)
-Doors were locked at Midnight (with the exception of Holidays because where I live they have meetings every two hours all night long and I attended those)
-No guys allowed to spend the night
-I did mine and my daughters laundry
It all worked out until I had a hard time staying clean. I moved out. Now I have over 8 yrs clean and live back with my mom. Boundaries are a little different now, due to her knowing that I work a program and that my clean time is the most important thing to me. We have a wonderful relationship!!
Set your boundaries and stick to them. As a recovering addict the best thing is people not enabling us. Good Luck!!
Member
Join Date: Dec 2010
Location: Louisiana
Posts: 216
357girl:
Thanks for your post. It made me realize that I had to once more "get my head out of the sand" and come back to basics.
I too have 3 AC living with me and some of the support postings have made me realize that I need to dust myself off, bandage my skinned knees (due to falling), and start on the recovery path again.
Huggs from one mom to another!
Thanks for your post. It made me realize that I had to once more "get my head out of the sand" and come back to basics.
I too have 3 AC living with me and some of the support postings have made me realize that I need to dust myself off, bandage my skinned knees (due to falling), and start on the recovery path again.
Huggs from one mom to another!
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