justonestep

So this is my first post, My boyfriend is a narcotic addict. Has been for the better part of 7 yrs but when we met he was sober for almost 8 months. He told me early on about his addiction problem, so he was very open about it and his stuggles to control it. He was forced to move 1000 miles away due to bench warrant in another state. He moved back to that state to 'face the music'. Those theft charges, while not drug related, were indirectly drug related. While he was back in his home state awaiting the courts/lawyers to do their thing, he started using again after some minor dental surgery. I being the naive girlfriend believed him when he said he could control it. He was having one issue on top of another and he was popping vicodin like it was candy. but he kept telling me, it's ok, I can control this. It's not bad. I know when it will be a problem. Anyways, so while he was 'controling his non-problem' he got together with a friend he used to use with very early on and although I am shady on the details he was arrested with another guy for robbing a series of houses in his hometown and stealing items to pawn. He was arrested the day before he was to come back to where I am.

He's been in jail now since April. I haven't been able to talk him except in letters. He now has court ordered rehab that he has to attend but he keeps saying he doesn't need it. That during the 8 months he has been in jail, he no longer feels the need to do drugs. That it is the people and situations he is in that cause him to want to do this. He is a good guy when he is sober. A great father. Deep down I know he needs rehab. He says that if he just leaves his home state again and those people he will be fine, b/c he did fine here. I am willing to let him move in with me. However, I have a chronic pain issue so I have to keep a small amount of vicodin on hand for my use. I feel like I should push this rehab harder. As much as I miss him, I know he needs it. Once he comes back, how do I handle the fact that I have a narcotic in the house? I can't just hide it from him. I have already told him I don't want to be the reason he relapses again.

Sorry for the novel. I just needs some advice, I feel uncomfortable talking about this with my friends/family since most of them are not supportive of me being with him in the first place.

lesliej

"friends and family un-supportive of the relationship"...isolation, eventually dishonesty...
wondering about hiding or not hiding drugs in your house.
hiding, dishonesty...

your post reads like a dead end street
"love" is a very powerful drug and it sounds like you want your drug back
doesn't matter if he has untreated addiction
(abstinence due to jail cell doesn't count as "recovery" time)
doesn't matter if he robs and steals
doesn't matter if your family and friends don't approve

just what does matter????
you want your drug back

suki44883

Sounds like jailhouse remorse. It's easy for them to say they are done when they aren't in a position to get the drugs. Are you sure this is the life you want?

Welcome to SR. You will find a lot of support here, but you will also get honesty. Please take the time to read the stickie posts at the top of this forum. You will find a lot of helpful information there.

Impurrfect

(((Justonestep))) - welcome to SR! In addition to having loved ones who are A's (addicts/alcoholics), I'm in recovery myself. There is nothing, absolutely nothing you can do or not to to cause his relapse or keep him clean. When we want to use, we will use any excuse.

I've been in jail, I thought it would be enough to get me clean forever, but it wasn't. It was a start, don't get me wrong, but it wasn't until I had relapsed and faced the possibility of prison that I finally had had enough and chose recovery.

Rehab is not a cure, either. All the love in the world is not a cure. I do hope you read around different post and the stickies up top. I spent a few decades with 3 different bf's, all who had a really good side, but were also addicts/alcoholics. I've learned that it's important to look at who the person is, not what they could be or used to be. It took me a while to get to that point, though.

Hugs and prayers,

Amy

dollydo

Welcome, to me there is no recovery in jail, it is only forced abstenance. Here is something you may want to read:

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------

Things Addicts SAY from Jail

1) THIS time is it/I'm done
2) I'll do ANYTHING you want if you go back with me/help me
3) You can hold all my money
4) I'll go to meetings/treatment
5) Give me a break
6) Work with me on this
7) I'm sorry, I'm sorry, I'm sorry
8) I want to quit, but...I can't do it without you
9) I know what I have to do
10) You drove me to use, I'm worse now because you put too much pressure on me
11) Don't abandon me
12) I need you as a friend
13) I wouldn't leave you in jail/abandon you if you were here
14) I don't belong here, I'm an addict, I'm not a bad person
15) I need to stay clean for myself
16) I'm getting too old for this $hit
17) I don't want to use
18) I've found God
19) I have a long climb ahead of me to get out of this pit I've dug for myself
20) Look at the damage I have done to (fill in the blank)
21) I am so far in debt, I owe so much to so many people who have helped me
22) I want to be respected and will have to work really hard to earn that respect back
23) I will do anything to make it right
24) I am going to kill myself.
25) I am so lonely in here
26) If you were the addict, and had this disease I would stick by you 100%
27) Forget the past and look forward to our future together.
28) I'm so ashamed
29) I will change
30) I'm hungry, can you put some money on my

**************************

Plus I believed exactly what you believe "He no longer feels the need to do drugs", my exabf convinced me of that....it was all a load of crap. One month out of prison, he was back on drugs.

All I can say is...be smarter than me....think with your head not your heart.

justonestep

He actually started some counseling while he has been serving. and some sort of 'rehabilitation program' sponsored through the facility he is. I guess to me that counts as a type of recovery effort. He was attempting to get clean again when he was arrested. He says he wants to change and doesn't want his life going down the road it was headed

Im not wanting to hide the perscription meds I have to keep in my house, I'm just curious if anyone else has ever dealt with this issue and if there is a way of having them in the house without posing a threat to his future sobriety.

I do love my boyfriend, and yes I do want him in my life once he is clean and out. I appreciate the honesty, its not something I get much of as my family and most of my friends haven't met him and just jump to the conclusion that he is a horrible person and that is that.

anyways, thanks. Glad I found a place I can come to

Ovid

I think your family and friends have concerns for you and the welfare of your children.The court ordered rehab are usually not a choice and can be hardcore rehab.I've sponsored people with similar situations with the fear of going back to jail on a compounded charge kept them sober long enough for the program to sink in.My ex brother inlaw was a professional person with a wonderful job not a parking or speeding ticket never any trouble with the law.Then suddenly he was arrested on a possession charge and did no time,But.lost that job.Then a year later at 30 years old was arrested on a charge of burglary of homes and while out on bail for that charge,He was arrested again for theft he was sentenced to 6 full years in prison.My sister divorced him.It was devastating to the kids and his family.I always think of his story on How bad could it get.He had the highest integrity,Compassion for life,First class,The last person anyone would pick to have a problem happen like this.He is sober today and one of my best friends.You never know what can happen

Impurrfect

(((justonestep))) - I have a friend, here, who is in recovery from opiates. Her husband takes them for chronic pain. Though she doesn't want them (she has pain issues too) because of where her addiction led her, she simply asks that he put them out of sight.

Please understand that recovery takes time. It was pretty easy for me to stay off the dope when I was locked up - no temptation. However, getting back out in the real world? Whole different story. It also didn't matter where I was - I could find my DOC today, if I wanted it...I just don't want it.

I'm not saying dump him or stay with him - that is totally your choice. I'm just saying be aware of what you're getting in to. Yes, we can choose recovery and never relapse. Maybe read around the forum and see what others have been or are going through? Addiction is a lifelong thing. I'm not cured, but I have chosen recovery, every day, for over 4-1/2 years. That's MY choice. My latest exbf chose to keep using. That's why he's an ex. I finally realized that, even if he had years clean, I still wouldn't be able to trust him and without trust? I just don't see a relationship.

Hugs and prayers,

Amy

outtolunch

Nothing forced him to move out of state. He did so to avoid the bench warrant for a crime. A change in geography does not cause relapse or cure addiction. Drugs are everywhere. Any addict worth his salt knows how to score.

Only thing certain here is that you don't know the truth. Whatever he's said is only part of a story and even that may not be true. An addict in recovery is going to decline Vicodin from a dentist. An addict is more likely to make up the whole story or seek pain meds for ficticious ailments. Just ask anyone who works in an ER about things addicts do when seeking drugs.

Abstinence in prison is not recovery. Attending counseling in prison is not recovery.
It takes no effort on his part to remain clean in prison.

I assume he is the bio father of your child. If so, let him walk the talk of being a responsible parent and doing so outside of your home. Wait till he's employed full time, sustaining his own life and contributing to the support of your child. These are all things responsible adults do, every day. That's the begining of recovery and maturity.

lesliej

I am trying to understand the timing of your description.
"He has been an addict for the better part of 7 years but when you met him he was 8 months "sober"." Does that mean that you met him 7 years ago and that since then most of the time he has been struggling? (But he had 8 months when you first met.) So you have been with him for the past 7 years and he has been using, right?

Then when was he "forced to move"? Because now he is saying that it was "being back around the old haunts that caused the relapse"? So does that mean that he was clean for the better part of the time you have been together...or "has been an addict for the better part of the last 7 years"?

I'm confused.

Windblown

Ugh....I see the handwriting on the wall. I would not let him back in my house until he could prove he had 6 months to a year sober. He's a criminal and a drug addict. So is my son. Hurts to say it, but it's true. He's manipulating you to get what he wants but he's not willing to get into a program. Wouldn't work for me. You'll be bringing chaos back into your home. Let him get a job, start paying you some support, work a program and be a freakin' man....make him work for it...don't make it easy. You'll see after a few months where his head really is and if you have not let him back in the home...you were blessed with that time without all the drama. Just my two cents.

justonestep

Sorry, let me clarify. No, I am not the mother of his child. But I have seen him with his daughter. He told me how long he had started using when he got out of HS but I had met him at a point in his life when he was sober. He had come to another state to move in with some family and start over, had a good job as an IT support specialist, had broken up with his girlfriend in the previous state. When he had gone to take his daughter back to her mother after a planned custody visitation he found out about charges his exgf had placed on him, so he stayed there to face the music. The charges were there, not here. Sorry for any confusion. We do not have any children together and I do not have any at all.

lesliej

So you met him at a point he was sober. How long ago was that? How long have you been together and how long has been stuggling/relapsing/using during this time?

I ask in part, because in my own experience there was a distant sense that since my exABF had been clean when we started dating that it wasn't my issue...that since he had been clean when I met him it wasn't as though I chose to be with an active addict.

In some way I thought I was lucky enough to have discovered the beauty and love of this man who had been struggling. My willingness to assist, encourage, and be strong while he struggled with recovery would be the burden I would bear for true love. I found quotes like Shakespeare "the course of true love never did run smooth" and "the greatest of love demands greatest of risk" to ring true for me. It intensified my feelings.

I also wanted everyone to know that he had been clean...even though it was a long rocky path of destruction behind him...that he had not cleaned up yet...because I could feel the judgement and shame of falling in love with an addict. Immediately I was held suspect as being codependent. I was repeatedly asked "what was wrong with me?" that I had "lowered my bar".

I am grieving the loss of that relationship now. I will never know how much was truth and how much was lies. As much as there was an intensity to the love there is an intensity to the loss. I did not want to "face my music"... the grief of lost love.

Addiction is progressive. As some wise folks on this site, in recovery from hard core drugs, have said: it takes 110% commitment. My exABF can't handle the demands of a relationship. I can't demand any less for the kind of relationship I want. I want the bare minimum of some honesty. Addiction is horribly destructive and I have felt the affect on my life by being in love with someone who is an addict.

I have had to face the music...face the grief of losing the love that was there. I no longer care if I was compassionate, encouraging, supporting and loving...or if I was a delusional, blind, naive, enabling codependent. The fact is that a relationship with an active addict is, bottom line, unhealthy. I had to let go.

I wish you the best in your process. Your being here is an act of courage and strength.
Peace,

lesliej

PS my exABF was an old HS acquaintance. he came from a hugely successful and wealthy family, he was very good looking, ex cpt of the football team, tennis state champ and was one semester away from a masters in counseling, he volunteered at a crisis hotline counseling call in crisis victims. he "knew" recovery inside out. the who's who, the history, the page numbers of quotes.

crack still had him in its clutch, and he wasn't willing to keep doing what it takes to tear himself away. 110%. the addiction is insane. insanity is contagious.

cc88

Sounds to me like your mind is made up about your plans from here on out and the only advice you were seeking is "what do I do about MY drugs with an addict in the house?"

If that the case, I'd say this. You could lock them in a hidden safe or you could display them on a well lit truffle dish on the kitchen table; either way it will have zero effect on his sobriety. The only difference is do you want them swiped or do you want to have them when you need them for your pain management.

kiki5711

never mind hiding the pills, DO not give him access to your bank account or any valuable jewelry.

with prison record, what kind of job is he going to look for?

justonestep

I appreciate all the words of wisdom and the insight. At this point I honestly don't know where our relationship will end up once he's out of rehab. That's still months away. Even then there will be months after that before he's allowed to move back to this state. I do know if he wants to get clean, I will support him (but not enable him) whether as his gf or just as his friend. He deserves that atleast. I know I have a lot to think about, but I went into this knowing he had a problem. Not an active problem, but a problem. But again, lots to think about. Again, thanks for the input.