First visit with son in rehab
 

I visited my son in rehab today for the first time. He has only been in for a week and a half, so, not much change yet, surprise surprise! He was trying all his usual manipulative tactics...first asks me to let him use my cell phone, totally casually, like it isn't a big deal at all, even though it is against the rules. When I say no, gives me the charming smile and says, "Please?" about 700 times. Still no. Now he's a little annoyed, but holding it in. A few minutes later, tells me to bring his girlfriend up next time I visit...don't worry about the no boyfriends/girlfriends rule, I can just say she is his sister. Again, No. This time, he says fine, he'll just have his grandmother do it. (He is not my bio son, he is my foster son, so one of his favorite--and, ashamed to say, most successful--manipulative tactics is to tell me that his REAL family would do it for him.) I just shrug. Truth is, I don't think his grandmother will bring his girlfriend, I think it is his attempt at getting me to say, Oh, ok, if grandma would do it, then I will do it. So, as our visit is coming to an end, he tells me that he doesn't want me to be involved in his treatment there. No family counseling, no calling his counselors and talking to them, don't even bother to visit anymore. (You know, unless he needs new name-brand boots or something, in which case I'm sure I will be more than welcome to bring those to him on a visit!) So there's the final manipulative tactic/punishment for not giving in--If you aren't going to do what I want, then I will shut you out of my life. This one has also been very successful in the past...this time I just said to him, "I will have to think about that." He did NOT like that.

I'm having mixed feelings tonight...proud of myself for standing firm against breaking the rules, while also avoiding getting sucked into any arguments. Scared because I know he will start ratcheting up the pressure and the "punishments" for not giving in to him. Heartbroken at the whole situation, wishing I could just wave a magic wand and have my son back home healthy and whole.

I am planning to go to my first Al-Anon meeting tomorrow night...hoping it will help me with all of this.

So I am guessing he is in court mandated rehab?

I know it's hard, but if he doesn't really want the help and you showed up he was probably looking for enabling? Cause I am sure none of the staff were falling for his line of BS.

Good luck. You sound like a great mother. It's important to know that you didn't cause it, you cannot control him and you cannot cure it.

TitiEmily,
All I can really say here is WOW. You really handled all of that well. It sounds to me like you really know what you're doing. I am very sorry that you're heartbroken & how much you miss him. You do seem like a really good Mother. I hope that you will be able to continue to withstand his tactics of manipulation, for your sake as well as for his. I hope that you do make it to that Al-Anon Meeting tomorrow night. They really do help.

Oh how very much like my son this behaviour is. My son also tried to use the "birth family" ruse but not often because in his case his birth family was abusive and addicted also.

You did well, and personally, if I was treated like that, I wouldn't go back for another visit. My son didn't treat me with respect until that was the only behaviour I would accept.

He's only in week one. Week two is often when they want to leave...then you get the stories about how bad the place is. After that, if they stay and make it that far, things tend to get better I think.

I'm glad you have found your own meeting. I really hope meetings help you as much as they helped me and many others here.

Hugs

Yes, it is court mandated rehab...otherwise he would not need to be there, you see, because he doesn't even HAVE a drug problem anymore...he hasn't smoked for the past two months (while he was in jail) and is never going to smoke again, so OBVIOUSLY he does not need drug treatment. And he certainly doesn't need any counseling...it's not like his life of being abused, neglected, and abandoned, kicked from one place to the next, has affected him EMOTIONALLY at all. So the only goal he can possibly imagine working on while he is there is his education. (Just in case there is any doubt, I am sarcastically repeating my SON'S explanations here...I know he needs to be there!)

And yes, he has already started with the complaints about the facility...

I am just hoping that the staff there will be able to connect with and engage him and start to get him to look at his life a little more clearly. I mean, this is their area of expertise, right??? Sometimes I worry that he will be too manipulative even for THEM...especially since the Unit Supervisor I spoke to was full of praise about how mature and grounded my son is, more so than the rest of the kids they have there. Ha! I told him I'd call him back in a couple months and see what he has to say then...was that bad???

(((Emily))) - I think you did GREAT, and no, I don't think what you said to the counselor is a bad thing. Rehab folks are pretty good at not being manipulated, but they're human. Most are RA's, so while he may SEEM more mature and grounded for a little bit, it sounds like his true addict self is coming out and they are used to this.

He's young, he's in denial and still thinks the world revolves around him and what he wants. Good for you on not falling into his manipulative tactics, for seeing them for what they are. He may not realize it yet, but he is truly blessed to have someone who doesn't fall for the manipulation (said as an RA).

Hugs and prayers,

Amy

********************** Emily}}}}}}}}}}}} I know, it sucks. You did great. Your a wonderful mom. Much love and hugs. :grouphug:

sounds like my daughter, all nine times in treatment. hang in there, life gets better for you when you stop giving in. ((hugs))

This all sounds exactly like my son when he was in Rehab at around your son's age. And this is what the counselors used to say about my son too, everytime that he's been in Rehab or incarcerated anywhere. They are so so good at pulling the wool over anyone's eyes.

You are doing absolutely awesome with dealing with your addict son. Keep it up.

i am so proud of you. yopu handled this so well. i would not go back until i could hear some change. if this is his 1st rehab & court ordered you probley will not see any change. that sounds so negitive but it usually does not happen the 1st go. prayers for u & your son..

be present, be there , be firm, be kind, be full of hope...and go to alanon.....

You showed real love. Why do I get almost exstatic when I see other codies pulling than rug out from under the addict. You scored another win for us and him. How fortunate for him that the seed is being planted. You did GRRRRReAt...like Tony the Tiger Great!!!