Heartbroken0608

I heard from my son and somehow over the course of the conversation I let him railroad me.. it started with me saying, as I told myself I would, that I loved him and that I hope he will choose to get into treatment, etc etc etc.. but by the end of the conversation I had agreed to "help" him if he found a place to live. He was suppose to make some calls and get back in touch with me later -- he never did. I KNOW helping him get setup with a place to stay is not the help he needs. I KNOW his assurances of getting a job and going to counseling -- if he has a place to stay -- will probably never happen. I KNOW all this.. why do I cave the minute I talk to him?? It's not like he was even particularly manipulative. I just totally forgot everything I have been learning and immediately resorted to my old "mommy will take care of everything" mold.

I tossed and turned all night with anxiety over how much I messed up the conversation and the knowledge that I now have to tell him I've changed my mind. I have a therapy appt scheduled for this afternoon thank goodness and will be attending my first FA (families anonymous) meeting tonight, so I'm sure those two things will help, but I need a kick in the butt from you all (be nice though - lol). I guess I just don't know how to respond without offering "help".. I had practiced in my head saying "let me think about that" if he asked for something I didn't think was appropriate, but even that eluded me while I was on the phone. The more I think about the conversation.. I don't even know that he asked.. I think I just offered!!???!! what is wrong with me?

outtolunch

You are a mom with a full blown case of codependency. This compulsion to fix our adult children is unhealthy for both the parent and the child. I nearly bankrupted myself financially, physically and emotionally trying to sustain my own fantasy that I could control and fix my then, seriously whacked -out 19 year old daughter. From my perspective, recovery from addition or codependency cannot be contemplated until it's almost a life or death matter.

There is a VOP in another state hanging over his head. He may be seriously mentally ill and trends towards violence. You did not cause this. You cannot control this. You cannot cure this.

Not pressing charges and continuing to pay for food and shelter is not helping him and right now, he does not appear to want to help himself.

The more I " helped" my daughter, the sicker both of us became.Letting go was the hardest thing I have ever done and I needed therapy to help me do it. Your reactions and healing yourself are the only things you control.

Ilovemysonjj

Heartbroken, you did just what any "Mom" would do. What we have learned through the hard way is that addicts don't know their "Mom's" anymore. We become a resource and they use us as they need to. Heartbroken is the best word to describe how we feel since we still love our "kids" , but the truth is they are not really ours and they are not really kids. I am learning daily and remember this phrase.... "wait for the question.". I too try to manage, fix and support. What I have to vow and remember is, getting involved may be a trigger that causes a setback and or will not help the situation. Please continue to work out your feelings. This site is my first and last thing I do EVERY day to reinforce my awareness of how I react to things.
Best wishes, hugs, and support.
Teresa

Heartbroken0608

Thank you both.

I did file the complaint with the police department. There's a very good chance he has a warrant out for him but I do not know that for sure. I seem OK with not worrying too much about the legal stuff because I know no matter what there is nothing I can do on that front -- it's totally out of my hands.

The problem for me is when there is something I can do (even though I know I shouldn't do it), it drives me crazy. Emotionally I just want to save him from himself but intellectually I know that is impossible. The other thing that is really tough for me is that I'm fairly certain he has a serious mental illness. It makes it harder. I think to myself -- would I behave this way if I had a son who was a diabetic but refused to take insulin? But then again the diabetes doesn't cause the havoc that SA does. And in the end, whether the root problem is mental illness or substance abuse (or whether the MI caused the SA or the other way around).. the end result is still the same. Until he decides he needs help there is nothing I can do. I can't make him take medication, I can't make him NOT take illegal drugs. I can't make him do anything as much as I'd like nothing more than to be able to.

I'm just rambling now so I'll stop. thank you for the words of encouragement -- they really do help.

KariSue

I can sympathize. It is just very, very, very hard. I wish I would do better with all this as well. Plus even when I'm ready to do something then my husband isn't so it is a pain in the butt for sure.

Kari

dollydo

I'd suggest that you print out the letter your wrote to him. Post it around the house, and convince yourself that enabling him is not the answer.

Your enabling is part of the problem, the reason he has not reached his bottom.

I know that you want to save your "little boy" however he is now an adult and you CANNOT save him, it is all up to him.

useyourwords

Also, you could consider writing down the statements you had been practicing and keeping them by the phone. the visual trigger might make it easier to remember the things you want to say. no need to obsess about what was said this past time, just focus on working on now so you can be prepared for the next time. take care!

LifeRecovery

I don't have any ESH to share in this, but I really like the idea of writing down what I might say in certain situations so they can be my fallback. Heartbroken I can't imagine what this feels like and I am sending kind thoughts toward you.

I am starting a list for myself:
"I am sorry you feel that way..."

Thanks

TitiEmily

Heartbroken, I don't have any answers for you, because I am at the very very beginning of this journey myself. Just wanted to say that I COMPLETELY relate to what you are describing...I find myself doing the same thing with my son ALL THE TIME. My son is only 17, so it is maybe a tiny bit different (I do still have some legal responsibility to him as he is a minor), but I am perpetually giving in to him even when I have mentally prepared myself not to, and then perpetually wondering, what is wrong with me?????

My son entered residential drug treatment 9 days ago...I know I have to start working on MYself as he is working on HIMself. Just wanted to say thank you for this post...it is good to know I am not the only parent out there who is experiencing this.

butterfligh

I am right there with you other Moms...my son just turned 21 and after 6 years of dealing with his addiction, rescuing him, covering up for him, supporting him financially and emotionally, I am finally resolved to step away let him fall...I have done everything I could do, and much more than I should have. As the wise posters on here have advised me, we have to let our addicted children/loved ones find their way on their own. I have gone No Contact. I am coming to this site frequently for moral support, knowing that you are all dealing with similar experiences. Blessings to us all! xxxooo

Heartbroken0608

I spoke with him again today. He asked if I'd help fix his car, I said no. Then I told him I had changed my mind about helping him get a place to live. He asked what he was supposed to do, I suggested he find a rehab (and did offer to help him locate some resources). He wasn't interested... His choice. It felt so good to stand up for myself. I think I've been afraid of his reaction all this time if I took a stand, but it wasn't nearly as horrible as I had envisioned it would be. He's not happy, but then again I haven't been happy for a long time so I guess we're even. I'm not sure I'd be as resolute if I knew he was on the streets, but it's progresd

Windblown

I still have guilt over not letting my son come home after his jail sentence when he asked. I offered him resources for recovery. He had been stabbed too as a result of his choice of being a drug dealer. So at that point in jail when he was crying and asking I could barely speak. He ended up not finishing his time and they have a warrant out on him. I wrestle with....unconditional love. And what would Jesus do? And now my son is gone...fled the state....so now I wrestle with acceptance. I sure hope I did the right thing. I did what other people before me suggested to do...stop enabling. I changed in 6 weeks...the chaos is physically gone...but my heart is trembling. My son is gone...like he's dead. I did the best I knew how to do at the time....same as you did. And the craziness for me is gone. We have the right to change our minds. You listened to your inner voice and did the best thing for you and him. Everyone evolves at their own rate of speed. We can't force our will on another human being because when people do that to me I run the other way. I am learning to put my feet in another's shoes...but sometimes I feel their pain and want to help them. I have to leave emotion out and look at the overall picture. Unconditional love is allowing people to be who they are and loving them no matter what...but If I want to learn unconditional love...I have to love myself that way first. I have to protect and nurture and feed myself in a spiritual sense. If someone continually robs me of my safety, money and peace...and I continue to allow that...how is that loving me? Isn't it true that in order to wholly love another, I must love myself first? And yet...why does this seem so opposite of what I learned as a child? Peace to you...setting boundaries creates happier people...

lesliej

Deciding to NOT enable, as enabling has been defined over and over, including by recovering addicts...deciding to NOT enable IS unconditional love...
To try to do what is right in the situation of active addiction, the disease, we are told by everyone NOT to enable. It is REALLY hard NOT to enable.
Maybe that's proof that it really is unconditional love...that it doesn't feel good to love that way, that it isn't easy to love that way, that it tests us to love that way...
the greatest test of love, to let go of the dysfunctional enabling bond in order for healing to begin.
That seems very unconditional to me. The recovery community that knows my exABF (many hard core drug addicts in recovery now) kept telling me, every single one of them, that letting go would be the greatest show of love for him.
It was hard for me, and I love him, I pray for him, he knows this.
Unconditionally.

Nina Kay

Hi Heartbroken. As a Mother of a grown addict son, I just wanted to tell you that I can understand from experience everything that you are saying & feeling. I really understand. It sounds like you're progressing pretty well in your recovery though. I don't really have anything to add to what everyone else told you, but I really like the idea of putting the reminders of what & what not to say, by the phone. It's just hard to remember things sometimes when we're in the actual throws of the situation. ********{HUGS}}}}}

Ann

I found that telling my son, "Sorry, I have no money" worked better than anything. How do you argue with "no money".

They will use or not use regardless of what we do or don't do. It's just that when we "do" it may take them longer.

When I found my own recovery, enabling my son was no longer an option for me. Nothing I did or didn't do affected his addiction...but finding recovery saved my life.

You'll be okay, it took me a while to get the hang of this but once I did my life changed and became livable again.

Hugs

TitiEmily

My son certainly found ways to argue with that excuse! He would usually stick to telling me I was lying, which was always ironic since usually the reason I didn't have any money was that he had stolen it all

I swear, only an addict would steal from you, and then accuse you of lying about the fact that the money was stolen...

Ovid

IF YOU NEED TO "OFFER HELP" LET IT BE " SOBER LIVING HELP", RENT PAID FOR 3 MONTHS, IN A SOBER LIVING HOUSE, WHERE HE WILL BE AMONG SAME PEOPLE WORKING ON GETTING WELL...... IT WORKED WITH OUR FAMILY IN THE PAST!
aND GO TO AN ALANON MEETING TO GET YOUR SUPPORT......

Windblown

An addict will not only steal from you but they'll help you look for it too!