Homeless Teen
 

My teen chose to leave 6 weeks ago and is now in jail for 17 days. My husband will not let him back in the house because he hasn't wanted help for drug problem....yet. But now that he's been in jail, I am hoping he wants help. I am going to visit him tomorrow. I feel sorry for him...though I know his choices led him to be in jail.

But doing nothing doesn't feel right either. Teens on the street are victims of violence, compromising sexual situations that can lead to std's, stress of living on street can turn them back to drugs. I feel if we don't let him back in...we are putting him into danger and he may not make it out. O.k. So I have been practicing the tough love thing...but is this not a bit far. What if he wants another chance? Well I'm outta' luck there...hubby says no...the kid will steal from us. I don't even care if he does. I just want him to be safe and clean and have a home. Sorry...but is tough love always the best answer?

If he wants help, I will take him to the rescue mission or salvation army. This sux. I know he made the choices to be where he is but if his cerebral cortex isn't fully formed until he's 23 don't I have the obligation to help a sick son?

(((Windblown))) - I understand that "doing nothing" goes against everything you feel, as a mom. Unfortunately, if he wants to keep using, he will do it right under your roof. Having him home is not going to prevent anything. I'm saying this as both an RA and recovering codie.

There was a 19-year-old kid in my old home group. He had 4 years clean and sober...yep, realized he was an alcoholic when he was 15. His cerebral cortex hadn't matured, either, but he sought recovery.

We A's are very resourceful. Honestly? I wish I'd been faced with consequences when I was younger as I might have sought recovery a few decades earlier.

I'm so sorry you're going through this, and am sending extra hugs and prayers for you all.

Amy

Thanks Impurrfect...guess for now I've lost him anyway...

Yeah...you guys never fail at holding me up when I start sliding back into the snake pit.
Wish I could stay strong every day. Tomorrow will be gritty hard...but I'm going to tell him I love him. I will pray for the right words to say and have a coaching session on the phone with Naranon sponsor before I leave...and maybe on the way home too. Thanks for the support.

Windblown.....

My heart goes out to you. I have been where you are in thoughts and actions.

It is JUST SO DIFFICULT......I get it.

We are on year 17 of my daughter's addiction. She is 32 now. She is sitting in prison. Again..... 2nd degree burglary.

I was in denial way too long. I minimized her behavior way too long. I enabled her way too long.

My standard comment is: When you are clean and sober and working a program of recovery....you are welcome to contact me.

"He doesn’t yet have a string of codependents that he can swap out as they catch on. The older and more savvy he gets, the easier that part becomes."

Oh Cynical One...I have been one of many on a string...so true that as time goes by the manipulation grows. My denial finally fell away when I witnessed the "shell game" my addict used with his large circle of enablers that he has collected after twenty years!

Nip it in the bud Windblown!! Don't succumb...be strong! If you don't he is learning how to hook an enabler by methods that worked with you!

Windblown....

Did I understand correctly (from another thread) that your husband is using as well?

The frontal cortex stores rewards and consequences. Every bit of enabling is stored as a reward. Each and every firm boundary is stored as a consequence. Which one does his addict brain need?

O.K. I'll DO IT dang it...I'll do it. I will.

Doing the right thing is hard but I'm listening, willing and just open-minded enough to change. After all, I have a life too...right...and isn't my life worth something too?

You guys are the messengers from my H.P. Funny how the message is always the same and I get turned around so easily. Like an addict...I got an easy forgetter too! I came from a long line of enablers...my Grand-Mother, my Mother, my Sister...and I'm the only one trying to change! No one in my family has ever sought recovery...but You guys are my family right! I feel it here. Thank God for all of you. I can actually go to bed now with some prayers and peace...if he would just cut that music down.....arrrrrrgh!

I'm not scared. I choose God. I choose love. I choose truth. Goodnight.

He doesn't have to choose the street, Windblown, he could choose the Salvation Army Rehab which is free, he could choose going to meetings and connecting with other clean and sober people who could maybe connect him with housing or Sober Living.

"We" are not the solution, but if we interfere enough "we" can become a big part of the problem. I did and I was for too many years. When I knew better I did better.

Keeping you both in my prayers. Hubby too, just because he disagrees with you doesn't mean he doesn't love your son as much as you do, he's just seeing it from a clearer perspective. My hubby did too and he was right.

Hugs

Re-wrote this on my own thread. Realized I was taking over Overblown's thread.

Overblown, please let us know what happens today. You have my prayers.

((((windblown)))) You are in my thoughts today!! You have gotten great advice already, but just wanted to add my 2 cents from the homeless service perspective. As I have posted here before, I am a social worker. I work in grief and bereavement counseling now, but for years I worked in Homeless Outreach (working with adults with mental illness, substance abuse, HIV and/or chronic homelessness).

No one wants to imagine their child homeless. No one. But the reality is the things you fear --that "Teens on the street are victims of violence, compromising sexual situations that can lead to std's" is not a outcome of homelessness, it is an outcome of addiction. Teens SUFFERING FROM ADDICTION are victims of violence, compromising sexual situations that lead to stds, etc.

Being homeless is obviously never ideal, but there are resources -- there truly are. Many people working in homeless services have a special soft spot for teens and in many areas there are teen-specific shelters (not sure about vegas). The vast majority of people who experience homelessness do not experience chronic homelessness -- they go through it once, for a few weeks or months, get help, and get back on their feet. They vast majority are not victims of violent crimes, compromising sexual situations, etc. If he is committed to recovery he will have resources. Depending on your state, being homeless can actually be helpful in access to certain resources because you get priority. If he continues using, he will still be high-risk for violence, stds, and other issues even if he is under your roof! Take care and stay strong!!

Uhm, wait a minute. How old is this "teen"? If he's under 18 years old, I'm pretty sure (not positive) you cannot legally throw him out. Biological mothers automatically have "parental responsibility" to their children, to house and provide for them. It is illegal to throw a child under the age of 18 out of your house and discontinue providing for them. I believe it can be considered neglect. Yeah, it's not fair when you're kid is using and making terrible decisions, but its something to think about. If he's over 18, by all means, go for it, but younger than 18 you're kind of bound by the law until he is of age... You might want to look into the law before making any decisions.

Jason, her son is 18 and chose to leave home after they found he was using and distributing heroin, coke and meth.

Well nevermind then :). Thanks suki.

Windblown- It may seem like you can protect your son from being victimized on the streets by having him home but the truth is you can't protect him from himself. I thought we were doing my AD a favor to let her stay home so she would not do something rash like become a prostitute but I later learned that she had been doing that anyway even while under our roof. We weren't sparing her from anything because her drugs always demanded more.