athomewaiting

ok my agf, who i lived with for 2 and half years, went to rehab 23 days ago, after she said that she didnt want a relationship right now while she was in recovery, a week ago today, she got dropped off at her moms house, and then called her mom, then me, to my suprise i didnt know she wasnt supposed to get out for another week, but they let her go and now she has iop, she is staying at her moms till she figures it out getting herself together, wanted to see me, so i went, she says she loves me very much and but doesnt want to comit to a relationship yet, but we talked about some of our problems, but its her first day back and literally wasnt home for a half hour so we kinda left the emotional stuff alone, but she brought it up and we did talk about somewhat of getting back together at some unknown point or time down the road, could be a week or whenever, but her mom said she didnt think she should see me yet, and ive been nothing but great for her, and i do love her very much, im having a hard time shutting off the love feelings, after i saw her, and left , she called me about 2 hours later, and made plans to go out for a little bit, 2 hours later, i go get her we go out for about 2 hours and talk a little more and are on the friends thing, but sort of realtionship, she still babe this, babe that, I go to bring her home and she is worried if her mom will find out she was with me. my problem is how do you shut off the emotional stuff and just trust what she is saying since we both know that i want her to come home and be back together again, i understand she is trying to fix herself, and thats great, i just dont like the grey area, of not knowing. im having a tough time backing off.

dollydo

Whats the rush? She has only begun her journey into recovery, less than a month is a drop in the bucket.

I'd suggest that you give her some breathing room, if it is mean't to happen, it will.

Chino

my problem is how do you shut off the emotional stuff

Consider taking this time of limbo to learn how to deal with your emotional stuff, instead of turning it off. In the long run it's much more emotionally healthy

outtolunch

Life is one big ole grey area. She's a heroin addict. Within a few hours of returning home, she sneaking around with you....

Does she work? Have a valid driver's license? Have her own paid for car and insurance? Pay for her own cell and her share of rent, food and utilities? In other words, is is demonstrating being a responsible adult and owning her own baggage?

lesliej

leaving rehab early and yes, outtolunch, ALREADY SNEAKING around. giant red flags, emotional push/pull/pressure...
her mind/heart/soul is scrambled right now...ask any addict
you CAN love someone to death

athomewaiting

yes i have known her for 12 years, before she was an addict, she was 15 and i was 22 and she told me she like me, i told her to come back when she is 18, i didnt see her for about 7 years and then we got together, and she had been truthful and upfront and honest with me about everything, she was in rehab and her ex got her hooked, then after a 2 years of living with each other, she started using again, i never have had an addiciton, ive done marijuana but never needed it, the rehab released her and she starts her intensive out patient on mon.
Im actually fighting myself right now, because one side of me is fed up and the other still wants to love her, im trying to be strong, the whole premise of our break up while she was in rehab was because she thought she might relapse here, but she can relapse at her moms also, and i think she already has, my reason for thinking that is i had to pay the phone bill which both the my phone and hers is on, and there shouldnt have been any calls on it accept the one to me and her mom, and i recognized a # that she used to get high with before, and that was the first half hour she was home, and then after we went out for a bit shs said she had to get home because her mom was taking her shopping for bath supplies and things she needs, i gave her the rest of her money that she left at home, about $60, well that didnt happen, when she called me later she said she fell asleep and didnt do that, so later on when i picked her up and went out, i said are you hungry, i always pay, but anyway, shes says she doesnt have any money, and she looked like she was high. and i said to her if i didnt know any better i would sware you where high, and she said that all of the medicine she is on, make look messed up, so im mad as hell because now im the losing side either way, and i cant seem to kick my feelings for her, i know i got let her go, just cant bring myself to do it, she texted me about 6 hours ago and said happythanksgiving and was cooking with her mom and would call me later, havent heard a word since,

dollydo

Well, sounds like her stab at recovery has failed.

Are you going to Naranon meetings? You do realize that you are enabling her by paying her phone bill...right?

Work on you, get yourself healthy, there is nothing you can do her....except....allow her to reach her bottom.

athomewaiting

so what we have here is alot of BS, i know her to well, im gonna keep it short but will probably have to add a few details if i miss them. in short, went to rehab to get clean, 2 weeks in tells me she doesnt want a relationship during her recovery, ok i dont like it, but understand after some narmeetings, 23 days in she is home at her moms instead of our house, that we lived in for 2 and half years, i think she comes home and calls this person that will be the only one to take her to get high, and then calls me for her money she left home, she then bs's a story about shopping with her mom so she can get back in time for this person to come get her and bring her back to her moms before her mom gets home, who is clueless, and then i find out that the mom says she shouldnt see me yet because its to early. ok, but yesterday mom doesnt have time to take her to a meeting she says she wanted to go to, so i offer a ride, she says thanks but no, 2 hours late she calls me we go out for a few hours and then i take her home, didnt give her any money, actually had a good time and just talked. so today she texts me, and is happy and texts me here and there, and then tonight she says she is in a bad mood, and blah. doesnt feel like talking, i say ok, she says she'll call me before she goes to bed and she loves me, ok. this people is called manipulation, she doesnt want to come home to the apt. yet, and she knows im not gonna just hand her money to supposedly go out with mom, and mom doesnt want her around me, and since she just came home out of rehab, she is trying to squeeze in between mom at work and getting high and if it takes 72 hours to clear your pee her last day of partying is messed up,and she hasnt worked so she has no dollars, plus she has i.o.p on mon. at 7am, with pee test. so i think she came home wanted to get high for a few days, and then it will be out of her system by mon.

athomewaiting

and by keeping me hanging and thinking im sooo in love with her she can have me sit here and wait, knowing that i would be sitting here with all her belonings and that probably moms wont work out, shes playing the game, but im ahead of her, and she is probably right now on the phone trying to find old druggy friends to give her a ride or manipulate them to take her,because her mom is clueless, and doesnt really look to make sure who she is leaving with, as long as she comes back in an early hour say 10-12, and she is staying at moms because if shes here, and we are back together right after rehab, she cant risk telling me she is getting high, she just cant have whoever come over, because me being her bf and i would be like wtf is this. so she cares but wants to have her cake and eat it to,and the reason for this game is, and im not tooting my own horn, but i have a great family, im well off, and they would do anything for her, not give her money, but if she needed clothes or a ride, and is included in everything even 2 trips to mexico, and loved by them all, she really is a great girl, just the heroin wont let go...

suki44883

She is an addict, hon; an addict who isn't done yet. You are probably right in what you are thinking, so, what does that mean? It means that you have to decide whether to continue a relationship with her, knowing she isn't yet done with the drugs.

It sucks, I know. But it's good that you can see the manipulation on her part. I hope you decide that you deserve better, because you do.

athomewaiting

you know suki, its really ashame, i would do anything in the world for this girl, sure we had our fights, and we had gotten miserable from it, so i can understand why she would want to not be in a relationship at this time, so she could focus on recovery, but what recovery? and the fights where all caused by drugs. when she is high she is happy and still a great girl, but i want her clean, she is still great then to, but to waste money, and her future and health on it is just to much. but thats what im thinking is going on, and she feels that if she has no responsability to me, she can have whomever pick her up to go get it without me finding out and tossing her to the curb, she never would do anything nasty for it, tell a sob story to 10 different friends and there you go.

suki44883

Well, she is sending you mixed signals. She told you she doesn't want to be in a relationship right now, but then she calls you and tells you she loves you and you two see each other and spend time together and she starts the manipulation and then you catch her in the lies, and so on and so on. That is life with an addict. She isn't ready for recovery, but rather than say that, she lets you believe that she is and that she still needs your support.

Bottom line is...she is just an addict doing what addicts do.

lesliej

just two weeks ago the scales of denial fell from my eyes and I witnessed the full manipulative force of the addict in my (ex) ABF. it's not even like he did anything godawful to me but it all added up to manipulation and lies...deceit to use.
it is kind of amazing to see your growth in these posts over the last few days...it sounds like you are breaking through denial.
denial is dangerous for both of you. the codependent starts to minimize the use to a certain degree, because we can't imagine leaving the "love" behind.
when denial starts to break apart we see the truth.
it's not like I don't love the ex, it's just that I finally saw the maneuvering of the addict. I think my going no contact is the most loving thing for both of us. he needs to wake up, and in the meantime I am waking up...waking more free. and I'm getting more hindsight everyday too...hindsight that breaks away more denial and reinforces my decision.
I wish you the best my friend. you are growing and becoming stronger.
I think I will always love the ex...but he is buried deep in the addict and he has to decide that HE is worth breaking free...until he does that he won't do it for anyone else, that's for sure.
Love. Compassion. Peace. Gratitude. Prayers.

Ovid

Hi Athome
Is she attending meetings?.If she's is on a slippery slope she won't want to go.I'm sure everyone wants the best for her and there are alot of emotions flying around.Backing off maybe the best advice which doesn't mean you don't care or love her.But just giving her the space to make her own mistakes without anyone to blame or take blame.The addiction is way smarter and cleaver and usually the people hurt are not the ones using,However they are the ones blaming each other for the addicts actions.It takes along time to understand the dynamics.Have you been attending Alanon meetings?.That's a great place for support and understanding.

lesliej

an addict, or a recovering addict, attending meetings is not an accurate barometer of whether they are clean or not...I have known way too many people to show up at meetings and mask their way through the hour.

same with al anon I guess

we can only be responsible for our own honesty, dig deep, be compassionate with self, find truth, honor, love and dignity for forward action

dollydo

She is playing teenager games, she has the emotional IQ of a 15 year old, and, thus far she has gotton away with her behavior.

So, the ball is in your court, are you going no contact yet, or, are you going to play into her
childish nonsense?

You have choices, make the right one for you.

Ovid

Getting sober involves honesty nothing else.Most of the people I know that go to meetings go to stay sober.Not sure about how long people last thinking they know everything without going.Personally the moment I think I figured it out I know absolutely nothing

lesliej

oh, absolutely Ovid, I most certainly go to my al anon and AA meetings to bring, receive and share a message, it is sacred healing space and a necessary joy to attend.

I am just stating that I have known addicts/alcoholics who attend while they are actively using in order to try to hide the fact from their community...INCLUDING the man I thought I was going to marry two weeks ago...come to find out he was lying through his mask to me, to his sponsor, to everyone in the rooms. really sad.

just saying that someone attending meetings is not "proof" of sobriety.

Ovid

I have 23 years in AA.I've been going to alanon for 10 years.I go to 2 alanon mettings a week.4 AA.I've been fortunate enough to enjoy a stunning lifestyle, 2 wonderful kids and my issue is always the same about 1 person and 1 person only.25 years of marriage.I just renewed my wedding vowes in a church in Rome Sept 6.She is again at it and it's difficult to keep my mouth shut.So I prey and hope.I've have wounds from past years of battle the disease is far to cleaver and I have grown tired

lesliej

Ovid,
I have been at meetings for almost six years, and al anon for a year now.
The only treatment I ever received was a fabulous retreat on codependency and a weekend al anon family program while he was in the last treatment.

My exABF has been at meetings for twenty, in and out of at least seven treatments,
sober houses, etc etc. He is one paper away from a masters in counseling.

You are right the bottom line is HONESTY. IF they have the capacity to be honest.
I was pretty creative in my codependency, thought I could "facilitate" his incapacity...networked with his community and family, had everyone dialed in, set up a private page on facebook as his recovery "journal"...tried to keep everyone on the same page so he couldn't shell game us and sneak around...handled his money, kept the ledgers, etc etc.

I had to get HONEST with myself!!! what a life sucking drain, and my return? romance with a twist=distrust. deceit, lying Now I am honest with myself. I wanted him to recover because I wanted him. I wanted to marry him. It must be really deeply crazy making when you are ALREADY married!