How does this end? Confused Crack addict's wife
Member
Join Date: Feb 2011
Location: Up and onwards... :)
Posts: 274
oneday, maybe your husband WILL seek the treatment he needs to get better... but everyone is right on this post that it is up to him. He knows where to get drugs right? So he knows where to get the help to make himself better. It took me a while to really sink that into my brain. I didn't need to convince him or save him or remind him etc. I only had to do those things for myself! wow! 
I think it's wonderful for all of us to express our love to our addicted loved ones. Why would we all be on here otherwise!?! It's the stupid crack, heroin, meth, alcohol that has fecked up their (and ours if we let it) lives and it's okay to mourn the loss of our loves.
You have lost your husband at this time and I liken it to a death. I mourned for mine (and still catch myself at times doing it). I have come to face the unimaginable of getting the call or a knock at my door to tell me that he's passed away. He is only 37, had the potential of being a professional golfer, extremely attractive, funny, a very sweet and gentle person... but with drugs & alcohol and then coming 'down' from them was/is another story: blaming, lying, stealing, staying out all night, put downs, manipulations... you name it, the shell that was my husband was/is doing it.
I knew I was going crazy from worrying, obsessing, calling to bars to see where he was, going to bars to bring him home (and make sure he wasn't drinking and driving), pulling him away from creepy people at said bars who wanted to sell him cocaine, cry, etc. repeat all of the above and that was me for almost FOUR YEARS.
Some of us start taking care of ourselves sooner... some don't. But I truly believe we can and will all get there. I didn't think I ever would, but I am here to say it's possible to lay in bed at night and not break out into sweats, or an aching chest, or roll over and realize he/she is not next to you and start bawling. I am content with just me (and my 2 kitties) under my covers and wake up each morning and look forward to starting my life again.
Big hugs to you and everyone here!
I think it's wonderful for all of us to express our love to our addicted loved ones. Why would we all be on here otherwise!?! It's the stupid crack, heroin, meth, alcohol that has fecked up their (and ours if we let it) lives and it's okay to mourn the loss of our loves.
You have lost your husband at this time and I liken it to a death. I mourned for mine (and still catch myself at times doing it). I have come to face the unimaginable of getting the call or a knock at my door to tell me that he's passed away. He is only 37, had the potential of being a professional golfer, extremely attractive, funny, a very sweet and gentle person... but with drugs & alcohol and then coming 'down' from them was/is another story: blaming, lying, stealing, staying out all night, put downs, manipulations... you name it, the shell that was my husband was/is doing it.
I knew I was going crazy from worrying, obsessing, calling to bars to see where he was, going to bars to bring him home (and make sure he wasn't drinking and driving), pulling him away from creepy people at said bars who wanted to sell him cocaine, cry, etc. repeat all of the above and that was me for almost FOUR YEARS.
Some of us start taking care of ourselves sooner... some don't. But I truly believe we can and will all get there. I didn't think I ever would, but I am here to say it's possible to lay in bed at night and not break out into sweats, or an aching chest, or roll over and realize he/she is not next to you and start bawling. I am content with just me (and my 2 kitties) under my covers and wake up each morning and look forward to starting my life again.
Big hugs to you and everyone here!
Member
Join Date: Dec 2011
Posts: 2
Thank you lesliej.
She's been drinking for 35 years, since she was 14. Everyone made excuses for it, just as they have for any other alcoholic in the family. 6 years ago, that I know of, she started using crack.
Always, of the two of us, she was my mother's favorite. I know this because my mother would say, "I love her more". And - "take care of your sissy".
For years, neither of us lived in our home town, where our parents are (were). 11 years ago, when I moved, I began to be able to slowly distance myself from her. I only got calls from her in the middle of the night, telling me she needed money. $200 for kitty litter. $100 to get the dog out of the pound. She quit calling me altogether 5 years ago after I told her I would support her only emotionally, and only in sobriety. This is what started my unentanglement with her. She's been to rehab for crack twice, but left early each time. Each time she says she has no intention to quit drinking. She moved back to our home town and tells anyone who will listen she was called back to care for our elderly parents. It's really because she was arrested for possession and snitched and had to leave that town, that state.
My dad told us in June that he had lung cancer and was not going to seek treatment. He was so very ill when he told us, it was only 12 weeks later that he passed away. He left several beneficiary matters untended to, so we have been forced to communicate, and cooperate with each other to resolve them. The house, left in both our names. Sell it, let her live there free, rent it out so she can collect the rent, so she doesn't have to work, why - the possibilities are endless.
It's been different this time around. She REALLY tries to yank me around, daily if I respond to her calls and texts. I think she does it for sport. I won't bow down to her, give her what she wants. Sometimes it's monetary, sometimes its just some form of affirmation from me. She wants kudos for working 12 hours a week, some weeks. She wants attention and sympathy for the chronic conditions her addictions have given her. I'm done with that, though. I won't agree or disagree, and it enrages her. This time, I've been firm. I had to get a lawyer. But every time I do stand my ground, I am astounded at her attempts at bullying and manipulating me emotionally, to get me to change my mind. I can't believe the things she pulls out of her... hat to get what she wants. She comes back and back and back. She is being abused, by her dealer bf. shes bleeding to death, she might have cervical cancer, she might have to have surgery. She has turned almost everyone in the family against me. I believe I am the first person in our family not to just say screwit, take what you want and leave me alone. i scare them because I'm different, and there might be a scene at a family meal. It's been lonely in the onslaught.
I think it might almost be over. We have a buyer for the house.
But, being in contact with her again, with her active addiction, and behaviours, I find myself re-living all the old emotion I had, the favoritism before the addictions - that I thought I had stepped away from. The zen is gone!! The anger is worse? maybe because I now allow myself to feel it. Self righteous anger. I'm entitled to it, right? Or maybe because of grief of losing my dad. I can't seem to staunch the flow. I don't want to hate. It's wearing me out.
She's been drinking for 35 years, since she was 14. Everyone made excuses for it, just as they have for any other alcoholic in the family. 6 years ago, that I know of, she started using crack.
Always, of the two of us, she was my mother's favorite. I know this because my mother would say, "I love her more". And - "take care of your sissy".
For years, neither of us lived in our home town, where our parents are (were). 11 years ago, when I moved, I began to be able to slowly distance myself from her. I only got calls from her in the middle of the night, telling me she needed money. $200 for kitty litter. $100 to get the dog out of the pound. She quit calling me altogether 5 years ago after I told her I would support her only emotionally, and only in sobriety. This is what started my unentanglement with her. She's been to rehab for crack twice, but left early each time. Each time she says she has no intention to quit drinking. She moved back to our home town and tells anyone who will listen she was called back to care for our elderly parents. It's really because she was arrested for possession and snitched and had to leave that town, that state.
My dad told us in June that he had lung cancer and was not going to seek treatment. He was so very ill when he told us, it was only 12 weeks later that he passed away. He left several beneficiary matters untended to, so we have been forced to communicate, and cooperate with each other to resolve them. The house, left in both our names. Sell it, let her live there free, rent it out so she can collect the rent, so she doesn't have to work, why - the possibilities are endless.
It's been different this time around. She REALLY tries to yank me around, daily if I respond to her calls and texts. I think she does it for sport. I won't bow down to her, give her what she wants. Sometimes it's monetary, sometimes its just some form of affirmation from me. She wants kudos for working 12 hours a week, some weeks. She wants attention and sympathy for the chronic conditions her addictions have given her. I'm done with that, though. I won't agree or disagree, and it enrages her. This time, I've been firm. I had to get a lawyer. But every time I do stand my ground, I am astounded at her attempts at bullying and manipulating me emotionally, to get me to change my mind. I can't believe the things she pulls out of her... hat to get what she wants. She comes back and back and back. She is being abused, by her dealer bf. shes bleeding to death, she might have cervical cancer, she might have to have surgery. She has turned almost everyone in the family against me. I believe I am the first person in our family not to just say screwit, take what you want and leave me alone. i scare them because I'm different, and there might be a scene at a family meal. It's been lonely in the onslaught.
I think it might almost be over. We have a buyer for the house.
But, being in contact with her again, with her active addiction, and behaviours, I find myself re-living all the old emotion I had, the favoritism before the addictions - that I thought I had stepped away from. The zen is gone!! The anger is worse? maybe because I now allow myself to feel it. Self righteous anger. I'm entitled to it, right? Or maybe because of grief of losing my dad. I can't seem to staunch the flow. I don't want to hate. It's wearing me out.
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Sep 2011
Location: California
Posts: 99
Wow Adularia.... That is truly truly heartbreaking.... She sounds like she is deep in her addiction....u r doing all the right things.... Getring a lawyer was smart...keeping your distance is smart... They are truly insane when they are in active addiction....i hope u dont beat yourself up over doing what u need to do....stay strong...i hope u get out of that daily drama soon.. Im so sorry... Please take care of yourself...your sister...like my husband doesnt want help....
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