Windblown

My 18 year old son just called beeging me to get him out of jail. He said he was in a town an hour away from here. He said he hadn't eaten in three days and stole food from Wal-Mart and got caught. I asked him what he was doing in that town. He said he was driving to Atlanta. Well that is not the way to get to Atlanta. It's the wrong direction. I asked him why he hadn't gotten a job and he said he was homeless because we didn't want him here anymore. I reminded him that HE was the one who CHOSE to leave our home because he didn't want to follow the new house rules after he got out of detox. He begged and pleaded...Mom...I can't stay here for 17 days. You just don't care Mom...you don't care about me. I told him I was in a program of recovery called Naranon for friends and family members of addicts and that I would have to call my sponsor. He said please Mom...Please. I said I didn't know but he could call me later tonight after I had talked to her. I told him, the drug problem he had was why he was where he was. He said...I'm clean...you can come up and drug test me! I told him by his actions I knew he wasn't telling me the truth.

I called my husband, my sponsor and the Officer at the police station. They ALL told me...do NOT bail him out. He needs to learn where his bad choices get him. Do NOT put money on the books as this is enabling. I asked if I should visit and my sponsor said...that is up to you. She told me when he calls me tonight to say NO, I can not get you out of jail because I am working on a healthier way of life and it would not be emotionally good for me. She said don't even bother telling him this is where drugs put him bc he won't listen. The policeman said his daughter was an addict and the worse thing I could do is bail him out. He said my son stole from two stores, cigarrettes from one and 12 items...some food and some not from Walmart and that he had someone with him and he was not beingbstraight with me. He told me not to visit but to tell my son to write down what his life plans would be when he got out. He said my son would probably try to come home but my husband won't let him. The policeman said he didn't look like he was ready to get clean and that he will say he wants to do rehab just so I will get him out.

They have no halfway houses or rehab in the little town where he is. Where will he go ? Should I find a rehab for him? Should I let my Mother pay 15000 for the one here? People are teliing me to let him find his own way and to tell him to grow up.

This has never happened to me. My son is in jail. I am not going to bail him out. He will hate me but it is the more loving thing to do...even though it hurts like hell. Please pray for me and Art and mynhusband Jon.

Dee74

prayers for you and your family windblown.

D

Windblown

Should my husband and I go visit him in jail? The policeman said...no. My sponsor said it was up to me. I am calling rehabs again. I am insane again. My son has no idea what he has put me and my husband through. If he only knew! Should I tell my oldest son who is coming here for three weeks over Christmas? Should I set up a rehab and take him immediately upon release from jail. He can't just go homeless. God, this is awful. Now Christmas, and his birthday which was on Dec. 6 and Thanksgiving is going to be a mess. But maybe not...I'll try to pull it together. It's not my fault, I keep telling myself this. But the policeman did tell me he stole more than just food. My son was trying to make me feel guilty. This is an insidious disease...and there is nothing I can do!!!

Thank you for your prayers. I have been praying to God for my son to get better in the way God sees fit. This must be part of God's plan. My son is going to hate me. I may lose him...I really tried. i feel desperate and sad. I wish he knew how much I loved him...but I don't think he does.

Bless you all.

lesliej

I am praying for both of you. I am proud of your courage and strength. Reaching out to everyone is so helpful, don't let yourself get isolated in enabling him...
I hope he chooses recovery, I am glad for you that you have. Peace be yours for doing what it takes to help you and your son...and that is not getting drawn into enabling him.

dollydo

Your son will not hate you. He is young, and, if this is his wake up call, he will, sometime, in the future thank you. Believe me when I say this.

He will be fine, he has 3 hots and a cot. He is off the street, every basic he needs will be provided.

You are doing the right thing. When out he can go to the Salvation Army, their rehab program is free. No, don't find him a rehab, no, don't ask your mother to waste her money on a rehab program.

If he is ready for recovery HE will seek it. Just being in jail, he will learn from others there where the rehab facilities are. Just as he learned where to buy the drugs, he can learn where to find recovery. Hands off the addict, your friends are right, don't start trying to resolve his issues for him....because....you cannot do that, you do not have the power.

Listen to the police officer, listen to your sponser, listen to others on this board, they are very wise people with years and years of history behind them.

Calm down, stop overeacting, get a grip, he will be fine. Honestly, you are putting yourself through this, as soon as there is an issue with him you go off the deep end,
this behavior is counterproductive to all concerned.

NoGround

"I reminded him that HE was the one who CHOSE to leave our home because he didn't want to follow the new house rules after he got out of detox. . . . I told him I was in a program of recovery called Naranon for friends and family members of addicts and that I would have to call my sponsor. . . . I said I didn't know but he could call me later tonight after I had talked to her."

Windblown, you were really able to keep your focus during that phone call.

lesliej

your son is not going to hate you. as an active addict he may get angry that he cannot use you and manipulate you...that is not the same as your son hating you!

lesliej

seventeen days is a really great gift of clean time...

outtolunch

You have received so much rock solid advise from your sponsor, your husband and the Police.

I am sure that others who are in recovery will be along soon, to share with you, in their own words, how grateful they are that their families stopped enabling them.

He committed crimes. He's in jail. He's off the streets. He will have food and shelter and further consequences . Jail is not sleep away camp where the rents arrive on visiting day with homemade cookies.

Addiction and codependency demand to be protected and sustained at all costs. Projecting hate is the addiction talking. Feeling he will hate you is your codependency talking. Can you give him the gift of dignity to own his consequences? It's the only hope for recovery.

OwlFeathers

my 23 yr old daughter is facing serious jail time and it won't be the first time she's in jail. I only wish they had not been so lienant with her the first couple of times. I wish her friend had not just bailed her out this time. That being said...
Leave him in there. Gather up information on rehab options available to him, such as Salvation Army but don't do any deals with him such as, ok if you go thru rehab then you can come home. Now more than ever let him deal with this. You will only regret it it later if you don't.

I agree with NoGround.. you really kept your focus during the phone call. Kudos to you. I know that must have been hard.

love and light!

suki44883

You did well on the first phone call. I hope you do equally well on the next one. He knows you love him and that is why he is using guilt and manipulation on you. He knows what buttons to push to make you do what he wants so you'll be proving that you love him. The thing is, the best thing to do if you love him is to allow him to learn that lousy choices equal lousy consequences.

Ilovemysonjj

Wind, he will NOT hate you. He will realize later after he is off drugs and when he is ready, that you saved his LIFE. Jail is not great, but it is way better than him going off on his own where he may OD or get hurt trying to steal from someone else. Please know I am praying for your sanity. It is the most heart wrenching thing you are going through, but YOU did nothing to put him there, it was entirely by his doing. This way he can learn early and hopefully somewhere soon he hits the bottom. As everyone will tell you, it is NEVER EVER over until the A hits their bottom, Then the uphill climb begins.
My heart and prayers are there for you.
Teresa

Windblown

Thanks everyone. Las Vegas is an awful place to find treatment and his being so young...is where I feel he needs some guidance to the very slim resources available here. Vegas has been hit hard by the economy...basically Salvation Army is a 5 month wait and $5000.00 for 4 1/2 months...it used to be free and always had a bed available...not anymore. This city is broke. There is Westcare and that is also $2700.00 for 4 months...and it is a men's facility ten miles out in the desert...but they have not called me back. He has to be assessed first...happens one day a week... And where is he supposed to stay until he gets there if they even have room?. Then there is the 15,000 30 day treatment rehab with an extra $2400.00 for 60 day outpatient.

I would not be so freaked out if he was 25 years old. He's 18 and I know he's smart enough to sell drugs but he stole pork chops and cigarrettes. He's not thinking straight. I also think, and this is just for me, that if I don't guide or offer a place for recovery when he gets out of jail...I won't feel I did my best. He's only lived in Vegas a year and a half. He may not even choose to take the offer of help when he gets out of jail. And my husband doesn't want to even offer at all...wants him to find it himself. I understand the logic there...but if he is willing, why can I not offer? Even if he relapses...he knows what to do. And I will never offer to find it for him again. He is destitute...yes...by his choice.

O.k. God is telling me...I don't need to have all the answers today. Dear God...please continue to give me the words, thoughts and actions as I place my will into your hands. I am now going to pace and smoke a cigarette. Sorry guys...wish I was better. But hey thanks...I did good on the phone call. That was God and the angels....

I want to MAKE my husband let me offer him rehab. If I don't guide him somewhere after jail and he croaks or goes back to jail I will have even more guilt. Step 1.
Powerless...unmanageable...insane...turn it ALL over.

I am so thankful to have you guys on here. I love you all. I am very grateful for you are my angels too.

of jail...I won't know in my heart I did the best I could.

suki44883

You will do whatever you decide to do, but please remember that unless HE is ready to quit the drugs and everything that goes along with that, it won't matter how much you spend or how nice the facility; it won't work. Also know that he is 18 years old and in the eyes of the law, he is an adult. Even if you manage to get him into a rehab facility, he has the right to leave at any time. You won't get a refund on your money, either. Just some food for thought.

laurie6781

First, DO NOT look for a rehab for him.

Second, there are TONS in Las Vegas:

https://www.google.com/#hl=en&cp=11&...w=1356&bih=614

Third that there are hundreds of AA and NA meetings in Vegas also.

Fourth, there is not only Salvation Army, there is St Vincent De Paul's.

Please do not visit him.

This is ON HIM now. He gets to 'feel' some of the consequences of his actions. He gets to be an 'adult' and make his own decisions, whether to continue this life or seek some help (not from you).

If you 'guide' or 'offer' when he gets out of jail, than you are DENYING him his choices and his 'lessons to be learned.'

When I was 3 or so years sober and clean my mother told me if they had not SHUT THE DOOR ON ME TOTALLY and refused contact of any kind, that both she and dad would have ended up in padded cells for life. I have also said repeatedly over and over, since my recovery, that of ALL that my folks did for me, THE VERY BEST THING THEY DID WAS TO SHUT ME OUT. Close door in my face, hang up if I called, etc

Please keep going to your meetings, talking with your sponsor and posting. I understand your concern, we all do. That is YOUR SON, you WANT TO SAVE HIM. But in reality, if you enable in any way you will be PROLONGING his getting into recovery.

You see with most humans, if we have to 'work' for something, it means a lot more to us than if something is just 'given' to us. And we A's are no different. When I had to 'work' for my recovery, it became and still is a very 'valuable treasure' to me. Had I been 'offered' rehab after rehab as a lot are nowadays I in all likelihood would have become 'institutionalized' going to one rehab after another for some respite and then right back out on the streets.

J M H O

Love and hugs,

dollydo

"I want to MAKE my husband let me offer him rehab."

Honestly, to me, your husband deserves the husband of the year award, how he puts up with all of this, is beyond me. His ideas, to me, are right on the mark.

At 18 your son has a better chance of embracing recovery, than if he was 25 and using for another 6 years.

If there are not any free programs available in your immediate area, then research others in the state of Nevada, I would imagine that there must be a Salvation Army program in another town in the state. He does not need to be in your back yard to recover and work a program.

You will do what you want to do, no one can stop you, I hope that you make the right decision for your son...My Best....Dolly

Impurrfect

(((Windblown))) - I'm an RA (4-1/2+ years off of crack) and a recovering codie. I've been on both sides of the street, and have a niece who is teetering on the edge of ending up where your son is..I have no kids, so she is the closest thing I have to a daughter.

I have boundaries with her, and have repeatedly been told she hates me, among other really-not-nice things. However, she's been enabled by my dad/stepmom (her guardians...mom died when she was 1 in a car wreck, bio-dad and every single relative she has has had an addiction issue, or still does).

It hurts, to see her continue to make bad choices. However, the best thing I can do? Let her deal with consequences as that's how I found recovery. Right now? We aren't speaking. I am living at home, thanks to MY consequences of addiction, but back in school, working..doing things to get back my life. She stomped all OVER my boundaries, and I can't leave..have nowhere to go, but I can go NC (no contact with her).

We've been through this dance for years. My hope is that sees a HEALTHY way of living life through my recovery.

18 seems young, but trust me...when you get involved with dope? You get pretty darned street smart pretty fast. The majority of the boys who sold me dope had years before they turned 18.

He doesn't like being in jail. Neither did I, but it didn't stop me. Spent quite a few times behind bars. Even after almost 6 months, I didn't "get it". Stayed clean for the better part of a year, just "not using" but relapsed. The thought of PRISON (my dad was threatening to call my PO and that's where I was going to go), finally got through.

As far as visiting? My dad/stepmom did come visit me. Unfortunately, they were pretty ignorant of addiction and thought jail would "cure me". They are VERY supportive now, but then I've walked the walk of recovery.

If my niece ends up in jail, it will hurt like hell, my dad will probably bail her out, but not me. I say this because this is what it took ME to find recovery...consequences piled on top of consequences.

My best advice is let him FEEL the consequences. Nothing anyone said or did had more of an impact on me, and I just got sick and tired of the damned consequences. It's giving someone a gift...if they don't feel the BAD stuff that comes from addiction, they have no desire to seek recovery.

Hugs and prayers,

Amy

OwlFeathers

the salvation army might be a viable free option if they deem him homeless, which he would be, but I think he needs to be clean when he goes in, which he would be straight from jail. His best option might be to get his lawyer/public defender to ask the court when they release him to make it a court order for rehab in which case he would have to go, and it would be paid for.But then, I am not that up on Nevada law. But really I think the best you can do is , again, let him know here are options he can look into. He really has to be the one to look into and line it up. If you line it up, it most likely will not do any good.
Laurie,Amy and others who are recovering, obviously can give great advice from their experience so really look at what they are saying.
I do think giving info is fine, just don't place any expectations on it.
Well, I know your head is spinning. I am keeping you in prayer and sending love.

TMZ

(( Windblown ))

You did great !!! And your in a good position now. I am so proud of the way you handled it.

You know where he is. You know he is detoxing. You know he cant get in any worse trouble.
And you know he is not dead. You know he is safe and warm, has food and water, and he has a place to sleep. What were you asking of God before? Let god handle this, you did your job as mom and it is done. Don't interfere with Gods plan.

There is plenty of help in Las Vegas, I spoke with the guy in charge of the NA crisis hot line just this past weekend at the SLACNA convention. All your son needs to do is call. In fact it has to be your son that would want the help before it is even offered. There is help out there for him just like we are here for you, and he knows that. It's just easier to have mom help him as a posed to facing the addiction.

Anything you do for him only lengthens the time he uses.
Step one.

Chino

It still hasn't happened to you, it's happening to your son. Turn the mirror around, Mom; you're OK and it's not about you.

If that stung, it was unintended. The part in bold was said to me, when I was on the verge of a panic attack over my daughter. I was out of town, alone, and racing to the airport at close to 100mph. I was informed that she had been life flighted to the trauma unit with a broken hip, vertebrae, rib, and jaw. Part of her face was missing and her eyeball was free floating.

If you're wondering who spoke to me when I was alone, it was GOD.

I was praying nonstop and that's what I heard, clear as a bell, like someone was sitting next to me. I realized it was true, I was healthy and whole. I remember looking at my hands gripping the steering wheel, and seeing with wonder that they belonged to me. I was fine and I slowed down.

You've prayed and reached out for assistance. If you need a booming voice, too, then ask for it. Just please be sure to accept the gift before you cause harm to yourself and others.