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Old 11-21-2011, 09:07 PM
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Lost.

They say to take it "One day at a time". I've been taking this relationship one day at a time for so long with no change, that I'm so ready to give up..But, not yet. I can't yet. I need to seek some kind of therapy for myself to learn what to do and how to handle the situation and do every last thing I need to do to keep my "family" together, or whatever there is of one. Our baby girl is 3 months old. We've been together for 2 years now, and nothing really has improved. If it has, it's gone back to the norm. or worse, within weeks/months. I do blame myself for some of the behavior because I'm uneducated in how to deal with an addict and the way I handle it sometimes is by acting violent/blaming/screaming/making deals. It's all too familiar to me.

He started by using drugs when he was 21 or so. So..7 years ago. Went from the gateway drug of course to eventually his drugs of choice being painkillers & crack/cocaine. He used and abused drugs while in a relationship with his ex-girlfriend of 5 years. They had a child and they ended up splitting up, of course because of the drug use/him stealing/him leaving to do drugs. All of the regular stuff.

I started dating him and saw tiny warning signs here and there but didn't really know the extent of it until about 3 months into the relationship. He was shooting up suboxone for about 6-7 months before I met him, and continuously doing it while we were together.

A perfect story of a man who had new cars, a bank account with a large sum of money, his own home..and lost it all to drugs. Handsome, clean cut, but a drug user, and an IV drug user. He has always had access to needles because he has diabetes, and he abuses drugs to the fullest.

Since we've been together he's made promise after promise. He's told me that he "could" stop. Suboxone is a tough subject for me because that's what he was abusing when we started dating. He has only had a few relapses on other drugs (crack, and painkillers a couple times) and this has been in the last YEAR. But, the entire time we've been together besides 2 months of the time, he's been taking suboxone, and shooting it up whenever he felt like it. There'd be a few weeks here and there where he'd stop using needles, but always goes back. He is now shooting up WATER when we argue, because he takes the suboxone strips which supposedely he is UNABLE to shoot up.

I don't agree with suboxone, so every time he goes to some other IOP to get prescribed to it, I always tell him to "get off of it" and he says it's part of his recovery. Well, it's been three years and I'm sorry but, I don't feel comfortable with him being prescribed to suboxone because I'm always worried of him trading them for pills so he can IV them, bla bla bla etc. etc. I know it's not "my choice", but suboxone shouldn't be a forever thing, right?


It's all just madness. I'm disgusted and sick of it. He's depressed, has no sex drive, no emotions, we fight, we try to stay afloat, I try to bargain with him, he makes promises he doesn't keep, and I am left hurting, once again.

I don't want to give up and every time I make him leave, I always want him to come back. Becase I do love him, but I moreso am attached to him and want to make our family work.

What do I do? Where do I go from here? I'm so lost.
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Old 11-21-2011, 09:39 PM
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I know how you feel. Yes you need help and you will find it here {and in nar-anon there are 5 groups in Maine.} It's a disease that affects the whole family. We to are going through the same feelings you are.

Read some of the stickies above. One thing you must know by now is you can't control it. But we will help you get control of your life back. He need to go to NA and start working the program.

Others will be along soon with better advice.
Keep posting.
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Old 11-21-2011, 10:04 PM
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Since he's an active addict (has been all along) and addicted to the needle on top of it, it doesn't matter what drug he's using and abusing. He's not going to stop until he does, and nothing you say or do will make that happen. What matters are you and your baby.

You first posted here a year ago and nothing has changed. You can't change him or his drugs, but you can change your circumstances by "working the recovery program you wish he would."

We become just as addicted (literally) to our addicts as they do to their drug of choice. We have to hit our rock bottom too, and, just like the addict, that can mean jails, institutions, or death. However far down you fall, please remember your baby will be along for the ride.
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Old 11-21-2011, 10:29 PM
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it took me a long time to understand what my sponsor meant when she said I was "in love with a fantasy" because I didn't want to believe her. in my loving relationship there was a ton of really great stuff...biking, picnicking, swimming, chess, cooking, reading, camping, sex, romance, affection, movies, music, ON & ON & ON...always punctuated by a relapse and lies and disappearing. life with all of its fun and treats and delights became just too damn slippery.

what is the reality of your life? where is the joy? you say it is madness.
some of us just don't have any idea of what a real honest loving relationship is like
so we refuse to let go of whatever it is we have because we're terrified that there isn't enough love out there, or that we don't deserve better...so we just hang on to the madness and sickness and destructiveness and pain and ON & ON & ON.

where is joy?
addiction?
where is love?
addiction?
where is your baby's father?
addiction?

it's time for you to get your life!
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Old 11-22-2011, 04:51 AM
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Your first responsibility is to your child. You are your daughters voice. A child should never be raised in a home of an active user. She has already inherited the gene that will predispose her to addiction and living in a toxic home will only make matters worse. As she will carry her childhood into adulthood.

Are you attending Naranon meetings? What do you know about codependency?

Read all of the stickies at the top of this page and others posts.

Nothing changes, if nothing changes, you knew he was an addict when you hooked up with him, he hasn't changed and you haven't changed so, what do you expect the outcome to be?
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Old 11-22-2011, 05:51 AM
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Welcome.

Take baby steps to achieve the life you want. Read co-dependent no more. Attend some al-anon meeting or a nar-anon meeting. You can bring your baby with you. Get a sponsor. Work the steps. There is a better life out there for you and your daughter. You just have to want it MORE than you want to be stuck in misery.

There's a reason we punish ourselves (and doom our children to repeat our mistakes)... ask yourself what are you getting out of this?
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