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trying to stay strong on no contact with ABF

Old 11-20-2011, 03:49 PM
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trying to stay strong on no contact with ABF

I have spent so much time worrying and wondering since I changed my phone number and removed my ABF from my skype contacts. I'm scared for my ABF, because I'm pretty sure he is binging on cocaine and I know how crazy and even suicidal he gets when he does that. Of course, this is also exactly the reason why I decided to set these boundaries! But it's a struggle to let go of my need to monitor him. I sent him a text message today (there's a way to do it from skype with no return number) explaining that I have changed my phone number and deleted him from my skype because I need to focus on myself and think about what kind of relationship I want. I said that I was very hurt by his disappearance and feel that I can't trust or count on him, and so I've decided that for now we should have no contact. And I asked him to send me a check for the money he owes me. Maybe I was just stirring the pot by doing this, but I just wanted to get it off my chest. I wanted him to know why I've distanced myself and also know that just because he doesn't have my number any more doesn't mean I don't expect him to pay me back. I know that I have to surrender the fantasy that I will ever see a dime from him, but I just felt like I had to say those things clearly to him before I could let go. I hope that from now on I can resist contacting him. It's hard to be left with so many questions about why he disappeared. I know he's probably on a cocaine binge, but I will probably find myself trying to comprehend it for a long time. I am trying to work toward enjoying the freedom to NOT worry about him, though! I keep reminding myself that although this may hurt, the beauty of these boundaries is that he is officially no longer my problem. (Not that he ever was! But I sure acted like it for a while!) Thanks to all of you for your support this week, and I wish you all peace and joy over the holiday!
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Old 11-20-2011, 04:19 PM
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Well, what's done is done. Now let it go and move on. He has his life to live and you have yours.
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Old 11-20-2011, 04:50 PM
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You did it, you are a codie, and, that's what codies do, make excuses, guilt themselves into
believing that if they stay no contact they will be responsible if the addict overdoses, the problem with all that codie thinking is that the codie actually is not that powerful and has absolutely no control over another persons actions or behaviors.

I know, I am codie in recovery, been there, done that.

Dust yourself off, get back up on your feet and let go of him, forget about the money, you are just using that as an excuse to contact him. You and I both know he will NEVER pay you back.

Enjoy your holidays, be thankful that he is out of your life.
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Old 11-20-2011, 07:40 PM
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Play the tape all the way thru. Just what are you trying to accomplish by contacting him. What effect do you think you are going to have on him. Do you think you are going to be his inspiration to change into a decent human being?

He stole $12000 from you. How much is enough?
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Old 11-20-2011, 08:16 PM
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Thanks, you guys, for your support. I like SR because you guys keep it real. Sometimes it takes an honest outside perspective--someone to call me on my BS! I'm having a hard time getting over my frustration and sense of being cheated about the money, and that's def part of why I wrote him. And I wanted to be clear with him that I have decided we shouldn't have contact, in case he got any crazy ideas about flying to my city and showing up at my door. But maybe that's the codie talking--making contact to tell the person you don't want contact! Classic. :/ It was also certainly an excuse--one last attempt to try to show him how much pain he's causing and maybe get him to think twice--fix him somehow. But I've said my piece to him now, and I really hope I can stick with not contacting him. $12k is enough. Too much. On Thanksgiving (and every day, for that matter) I am going to try to be thankful for being free from the verbal abuse, financial drain, and emotional exhaustion that went along with being involved with him.
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Old 11-21-2011, 10:18 AM
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eyeswideshut,

stay strong. Each day gets easier. Are you currently attending alanon or naranon? Alanon has helped me to keep my strength and my boundaries in place. Hugs and prayers.
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Old 11-21-2011, 05:07 PM
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it took a costly semester or two of grad school studying mental health and substance abuse for me to accept my own codie issues and the reality of my sisters addiction. i am still paying student loans on those lessons every month if i were you i'd just accept that the money was your own $12,000 lesson in your codie issues and the reality of his addiction. until you let the money go it will always be an excuse in the back of your mind for you to get back in touch with him. stay stong and have a great holiday!
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Old 11-21-2011, 05:24 PM
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gosh you should charge him rent for being in your head so much!

please go to AL ANON and/or NAR ANON...i woke up from my unmanagable life with the help of these groups...
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Old 11-22-2011, 06:22 PM
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Thanks for your support! I am seeing a therapist, but I've never been to an al-anon or nar-anon meeting. I've thought about it. I'm sure it would be a learning experience for me. Besides my ABF, I also have a sister who is a recovering opiate addict, and grew up with two alcoholic parents, although they have both passed away. Their drinking killed them both. But I have some anxiety about attending meetings. I'm a very private person and worry about telling my story to a group of strangers. One of the reasons this site appeals to me is because it's so anonymous. My job makes me a somewhat high profile person in my community, and I worry about whether confidentiality is really respected by all who attend meetings. Do you guys have thoughts on this?
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Old 11-22-2011, 07:30 PM
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Eyes,

I am the daughter of two alcoholics. My deceased dad stopped drinking 20 years ago, my mother is almost 86 and continues to toss em down.

Children of alcoholics/drug addicts have a 50% chance of hooking up with alcoholics/addicts as adults. I did, married two, both deceased, then in my sick head I hooked up with an addict/alcoholic and part time sex addict...a real must miss! My point? I
carried my childhood into adulthood, my bad choices in men were directly related to my
toxic enviorment.

Meetings helped me to get my marbles all back in one bag. Everyone at the meetings I attended were there for the same reason as I was...to get well. I had no shame, I am simply a human being, I have and will continue to make mistakes.

It is not so much the circumstance I am involved in....it's how I handle it.
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Old 11-22-2011, 07:38 PM
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get thee to a meeting! you never are required to share anything, you can sit silent and listen if that is what you need to do. I have never ever ever felt that there was any threat whatsoever to confidentiality. everyone in that room knows why we are there. to heal. to grow. the need for support, the love, and the spiritual principles just don't leave any room for anything akin to gossip. please go and report back, the love and support and encouragement is not to be missed.
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Old 11-22-2011, 07:42 PM
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in early recovery...in those first meetings, even today at the potluck gratitude meeting, I often am in tears. I am in the middle of a breakup, what else would I expect. when you step through the doors of al anon you are quietly, gently, lovingly embraced in a world wide fellowship of people who can empathize with where you are at. crying is allowed, and through the tears you will see the smiles, wisdom and serenity of a lot of intelligent loving people...just like you.
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Old 11-23-2011, 02:21 AM
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Meetings are amazing.... It took me a few before I found one I liked and felt comfortable in... So dont be discouraged... I also was afraid of being recognized because of my job and I live in a smaller community...i quickly learned that wasnt a concern. I read an interview with robert downey jr... He goes to regular aa meetings every day...so do a lot of other celebreties...u never hear what they say leaked...these people go to starbucks and its in us weekly....but never the intimacies shared at meetings....thats why meetings are so amazing... Hi, Im _______ sharing our common experiences knowing it will be heard with love, empathy, and acceptance... Its was a powerfully healing gift for me to be listened to openly and to unburden your heart to those who understand
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