first family therapy session a disaster, she broke up with me

Old 11-19-2011, 10:57 AM
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first family therapy session a disaster, she broke up with me

well i went to our first family therapy session, and it was a disaster, first the counselor asked me a few questions about my family background and if i was ever a addict or anyone in my family and the answers where no to both of them, and asked if my parents where still together, thier 40th anniversary this weekend, so we start talking about trust issues, and then she drops a bomb on me, she says that she doesnt feel she can come home to our apartment for fear of relapse, she said that she doesnt want to be in a realtionship right now with anybody, and then i got the enabler thing, because she did it here, and that we fight all the time, and she was unhappy, but the fights where about the drugs, and we talked about that before she went to rehab, ill try to keep this short, but i told her many of times that i want her to stop and then she said that she wants to stop to, she just cant detox from heroin on her on, so i said you need to get help, and if she doesnt stop using I dont want to be with her if she is not going to stop and she made the calls to get to the rehab and within 5 days she was there, that was 2 and half weeks ago, then she breaks up with me, is this part of the program, she said she needs time to get herself together, i have been there for her thru all of this and nothing makes me madder than to say that my house isnt safe to come home to, and if shoe doesnt come here she goes to her mothers, where she has gotten high there to, and she even said it during the meeting, she is an addict and if she wants it she will find a way to get it, and her mother only lives and works 10 minutes away, and still never see's her unless she needs somebody to keep her company, so i would be the person who for 2 and half years supported her and pushed her towards recovery, and she made the choice to go, and now even after she said that she has called me 2 days in a row, and is worried about what my family might think and that she probably wont be out of there until next week so she wont be at thanksgiving, and she tells me she loves me. my head is spinning, is this a part of rehab?
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Old 11-19-2011, 11:05 AM
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I'm sorry, but it's not at all unusual. It is quite common when the addict decides to enter recovery that they want to distance themselves from everyone and everything that reminds them of their past. At this point, she is very confused and isn't sure what she really wants, but she is right that she isn't relationship material right now. Her main focus should be on her recovery. You may be right that her mother's place isn't the best place for her to be after rehab. The best place would be a sober living facility where she can transition herself back into life.
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Old 11-19-2011, 11:13 AM
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When I was in rehab I didn't want my family to come to family day. I felt it was my 7 day vacation from them and detoxing and I didn't need them cause they're the ones that stressed me, which made me feel to drink even more.

However, after rehab, I have been learning how to set "boundaries" of what I allow to distract me in my life, and that included my kids.

Now I'm in charge of how they affect me, not them.
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Old 11-19-2011, 11:48 AM
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well i told her that before she went in and even in letters i sent her and she knows full well that i am willing to support her and go to therapy and and be there for her, i undrstand she needs her time and space to get herself together, i just dont feel that there was a need to break up, i can step back and let her have her space and still be her boyfriend. and here is the next situation, when i said i was going to come up and visit, she said that she didnt want any visitors not even her mom, and now yesterday, when she called she told me her mom was going to visit her today and with her own money could i get her a carton of cigs. and her mom will pick them up on her way to see her, she asked me how i was feeling and i told her im hurting, she said to just bare with her, and be striong for her, and she sounded like everything was ok between us, she said she loves me and she had to hang up,i said no problem, visiting hours where between 1-3 and her mom never called to come get the cigs. and today she calls me and says can i send one her hoodys up with the cigs. and her mom from our closet, and she sounded like she was miserable, and that things werent good between us, adn when i said i love you, she said it back, but not the same way as before, im going nuts here
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Old 11-19-2011, 11:56 AM
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i hear ya cynical one, its tough to shut down those feelings after all this time, but it also hurts even more that she can be so cold about it at one point and then sound like everything is going to be good the next, im glad she got help, and i had enough of her using and put the ultimatum there, if you want to be with me you gotta stop, and within 5 days she was in rehab. I just dont want this to go on forever, she is supposed to get out within the next couple of weeks, and then what?
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Old 11-19-2011, 05:53 PM
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you know cynical, that is probably the best advice i heard so far, I have gotten that advice from other friends and family and she has also said that to me, i understand the need for me to back off, she said that she doesnt want a relationship right now, and she said she is not saying anything about the future either, she's not gonna promise anything, I just didnt think that it warranted to kill our relationship, she just could have said to back off, knowing she was coming back would have been better to handle, than having the unknown, in one of her last phone calls she did ask how i was doing because of the break up, and just asked me to bare with her and to be strong for her, and i understand it cant be on my time frame, and what you said about wanting to run and going thru the emotions after the past going on 3 weeks tuesday makes sense, i have been to meetings, i have learned a few helpful things that made me realize a few places that i was wrong, but i dont know how to tell or show her that i am fixing that, so it can help her later with whatever decision she will make. but yes im backing off.
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Old 11-19-2011, 06:19 PM
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after having done tons of work, digging really deep on my own issues in double winner style, I have discovered some less than pretty truths about my recalcitrant desire to be with my addict...
when I realllllllly dig deep in inventory the truth is that I was addicted to him. I "used" him. granted I think that as human beings we all "use" and "manipulate" in relationship...it is just to what degree. Healthy boundaries are key. When someone is in the throws of addiction and someone else just "wants to be with them" it is a form of use. That person needs love and support of every kind...of course. But the demands, emotional, mental, physical and spiritual on any human being to be in a reciprocal healthy relationship is a lot to ask...even more so when someone is in early recovery.

I am in recovery. I am practicing spiritual principles of AA and Al Anon and CoDA. Still, when I get really honest...I WANT that man, I WANTED than man. He has to go heal. To expect more from him, to lie in wait, to request and hope and desire... is to want to steal away his spirit from where it belongs in early recovery...with self and god where the real healing needs to take place.
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