missgardenarm

I'm new here, i'm new to addicts and addiction...and i'm in a spot where i feel like i don't know if i'm making the right decision.

My girlfriend is a heroin addict.
I got to know and fell in love with her when she was clean for over a year.
In August i found out she was using. She tried to get off it herself and i watched her fail and try to hide it and lie to me repeatedly. I told her i was willing to walk beside her if she was willing to stop lying to me and just treat me like an ally and get help. Which is obviously like asking the impossible of an addict i've since learned...and yet i keep asking for that one little thing. The last two months have gone from denial and lies, to willing to go to inpatient treatment, but now, back to jail.

Without writing a book, what has happened in the last week is that she had a dirty ua in treatment. She swore that she wasn't dirty (and there have been enough messed up aspects to the way this treatment center works, that i was willing to come and get her and take her to her po's office and get another ua since they refused to retest her at the treatment facility). It was on veteran's day...i hadn't realized (last friday). So we couldn't get her tested at her po's office, but i took her home and gave her a home test, which was clean. We went in to her po's office that following monday morning and she tested clean again. So they told her to check back in a week while they worked on getting together another treatment program arranged for her, but in the meantime they got the results back from the ua they took while she was in treatment that they had sent into the lab for further testing. It was dirty, so they took her to jail.

She called and asked me to come see her, i told her no. i told her i'm done. All i've asked is she stop lying to me...and i feel like i have to follow through on having consequences to that. But is this an inappropriate time to say that? She's wanting and willing to be in and go back to treatment...and i know they say relapse is a teaching tool for an addict, so because she's still willing and wanting to get help, do i accept it as that and stand beside her?

DarrenW

That is way out of my area. I am the problem in my marriage. I suppose you must look at the history, lies, good times, bad times, and just pray about it. You dont want to enable, and you dont want to walk away from what might be a great relationship. I know if my wife would have told me to quit drinking or she was leaving I would have done everything to quit. I suppose follow your heart.

JoySeeker

My ex who had the same DOC passed every weekly UA on probation, but still managed to use all the time. I don't get it, never will and at this point it doesn't even matter. I think he had it down to a science how to pass. In the end of us, it was just too much to take. The lies and manipulation were the worst and having young kids was even worse. I wish I had walked away 2 years ago, but I am very saticfied that I left 3 months ago and will never go back.

Gavetoomuch

I'm in the same boat as you right now. What I am learning from others on here, no you are not wrong. Stand your ground. My ex is addicted to pain pills (shooting them none the less) and he told me over and over again that he was going to get help. He would go to rehab centers and leave for some reason or another. I went through this roller coaster for three years and just finally left him this past Tuesday. I agree with JoySeeker when they say that the lies and manipulation are the worst. For me, it just never seemed to stop. If you have gotten to the point where you can't trust her, then I would stand by what you said to her. If she didn't stop with the lies then you were done. Be strong, I know it's hard.

missgardenarm

Wow...ok. Ok. Wow. It hurts so, so, sooo bad...and that is exactly it. The lies, the using, the feeling like a fool. It hurts.

missgardenarm

I think i'm going to need some abbreviation decoding around here! lol
What do those mean?

But, i know. I've been dumbfounded by what the system does, how they function, what they don't do...it makes no sense to me. I had no idea. The first time my girlfriend got arrested for a parole violation (using + possession of heroin) and theft, while she was in jail waiting to be released into treatment they did an "Emergency Release" and put her back on the street at 2 in the morning!!! And to ad insult to injury that told her she couldn't wait for me to pick her up on the property. They wanted her to go wander around downtown to wait for a ride. It's insanity.

missgardenarm

Thanks, and agreed fellow oregonian.

Gavetoomuch

I understand the emotions that you are feeling. Not to the same degree, going based off what was told. Everything makes you question the situation and yourself. I wish I had some wish words of wisdom, but passing along what I've been told. You are strong enough to get through this, no matter what your decision. It's hard right now and you may feel worthless, but time will make things better, with or without your girlfriend.

outtolunch

Her actions demonstrated she was not ready to be done. No system can help those unwilling to help themselves. Treatment is not a magic bullet. At best, it will teach highly motivated people about recovery tools. It's up to them to use those tools or not. Addicts are responsible for their own recovery. None of us can d it for them. Lord knows, many of us tried.

lesliej

relapse is a teaching tool for a codependent too...it took me at least seven before I finally heard the truth in what everyone around me had been saying for two years.
being terminally unique isn't just for addicts anymore