Cunning Baffling...help!
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Cunning Baffling...help!
So it's been a week since I had my ABF moved out. He came and picked up his things on Wed.
So today I am walking around the lake, its my form of meditation...and this is what came up: I am afraid that I am the only one who really knows more of his truth of where he is at. I know that he lied to his sponsor. I know that he lied to a treatment center about how much he had used so that he might get in for a relapse program. I don't know if he has told anyone the truth because he has the classic symptom of his crack addiction compulsive lying. He is also bipolar. (severe childhood abuse etc.)
My thing is this: when we were together I thought I could help facilitate his capacity to be honest. I live my life and was in relationship with him and maintained transparency. I made myself a figurehead in his recovery circle and communicated with his friends and family (especially one sister).
Now as I am letting go more than I ever have before...I get this feeling like I should send out one more "communicado" letting people in on how much he was really using. It feels like a burden to me, to carry his truth with me while his community most likely remains unaware. I really see the addiction in the disease model and his lack of honesty about the level of his use as another symptom.
As I let go I fear that he will operate in secrecy and end up dead.
I feel the responsibility to let a few people know that he was lying.
I am going to post this, because it will help me see where I'm at. Sometimes it's a fine line between codependency and compassion. If I was his sister I think I would want to know. If I was his sponsor it would be helpful for me to know that he was lying. Let go and let god? sometimes I truly believe that the "we" is a big part of HP and that love is part of that.
totally crazy? another facet of obsession? or need-to-know information that I don't need to carry alone.
So today I am walking around the lake, its my form of meditation...and this is what came up: I am afraid that I am the only one who really knows more of his truth of where he is at. I know that he lied to his sponsor. I know that he lied to a treatment center about how much he had used so that he might get in for a relapse program. I don't know if he has told anyone the truth because he has the classic symptom of his crack addiction compulsive lying. He is also bipolar. (severe childhood abuse etc.)
My thing is this: when we were together I thought I could help facilitate his capacity to be honest. I live my life and was in relationship with him and maintained transparency. I made myself a figurehead in his recovery circle and communicated with his friends and family (especially one sister).
Now as I am letting go more than I ever have before...I get this feeling like I should send out one more "communicado" letting people in on how much he was really using. It feels like a burden to me, to carry his truth with me while his community most likely remains unaware. I really see the addiction in the disease model and his lack of honesty about the level of his use as another symptom.
As I let go I fear that he will operate in secrecy and end up dead.
I feel the responsibility to let a few people know that he was lying.
I am going to post this, because it will help me see where I'm at. Sometimes it's a fine line between codependency and compassion. If I was his sister I think I would want to know. If I was his sponsor it would be helpful for me to know that he was lying. Let go and let god? sometimes I truly believe that the "we" is a big part of HP and that love is part of that.
totally crazy? another facet of obsession? or need-to-know information that I don't need to carry alone.
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you may be right.
I have watched him lie to his recovery community and to his family.
I have watched them believe his lies.
maybe others would be more active and intervene...as in long term rehab. he has been in and out for twenty years.
I have a sponsor, a sister and a friend who are all CD counselors and he has gotten past them with his lies before.
We all need a witness, and he is losing his. I hope my letting go speaks to him and his community. I can well imagine he will minimize why I said "go". I do think god exists in the connections between us. I understand why I am breaking mine with him...just felt the need to express my truth to his circle before I left. His family is all long distance and most often don't know that he has used and all the consequences of his life. He wears the mask...if they knew maybe...
I just think transparency is key.
Maybe my expressing his truth is just more interference. Confusing.
Thank you for direct reply!!
I have watched him lie to his recovery community and to his family.
I have watched them believe his lies.
maybe others would be more active and intervene...as in long term rehab. he has been in and out for twenty years.
I have a sponsor, a sister and a friend who are all CD counselors and he has gotten past them with his lies before.
We all need a witness, and he is losing his. I hope my letting go speaks to him and his community. I can well imagine he will minimize why I said "go". I do think god exists in the connections between us. I understand why I am breaking mine with him...just felt the need to express my truth to his circle before I left. His family is all long distance and most often don't know that he has used and all the consequences of his life. He wears the mask...if they knew maybe...
I just think transparency is key.
Maybe my expressing his truth is just more interference. Confusing.
Thank you for direct reply!!
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Join Date: Feb 2008
Location: Kansas
Posts: 10,182
It's not your responsibility to "inform" all of these people.
Truly letting go is such a freeing thing.
Have faith that he has a higher power just as you do, and you're not it.
Sending you hugs of support.
Truly letting go is such a freeing thing.
Have faith that he has a higher power just as you do, and you're not it.
Sending you hugs of support.
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Join Date: Aug 2011
Location: Upstate New York
Posts: 1,928
Some posters have said that it's not your responsibility, and that's correct - but it does not go far enough. It is not your right. His life, his choice. Maybe if you were still together or married. Current circumstances it's none of your business. More importantly, it wouldn't do a darn bit of good.
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It's day ten since I made the decision that he needed to move out. That was a major decision for me and the space between us has felt like the right thing to do. I am being gentle with myself and letting the parts that were our relationship be and the parts that were his addiction come into better relief. Its somewhat hard because he would disappear on a binge, just one month ago we returned from a family trip (his) to Europe. He paid for my flight. Everyone knew we were on a track to marriage if he could stay in recovery. When we left for Europe he had 8 months and was doing well.
My desire to let a few people know is because of my concern of his dual diagnosis.
I do believe there can be some significant issues with the added mental illness part.
Maybe this is just more of my own co-dependence denial?
It is most bizarre to be living together and traveling and planning toward the future and then have him be gone. I guess part of my instinct is to let his one sister who is closest know. I am pretty close with his family. I guess, then again, if they wanted to know they would contact me, right?
It feels like a responsibility because I am the one that knows the truth of his use and he masks it to everyone else. I feel like if he dies from it I will be the one that should have said something to his family about how bad it was?
My desire to let a few people know is because of my concern of his dual diagnosis.
I do believe there can be some significant issues with the added mental illness part.
Maybe this is just more of my own co-dependence denial?
It is most bizarre to be living together and traveling and planning toward the future and then have him be gone. I guess part of my instinct is to let his one sister who is closest know. I am pretty close with his family. I guess, then again, if they wanted to know they would contact me, right?
It feels like a responsibility because I am the one that knows the truth of his use and he masks it to everyone else. I feel like if he dies from it I will be the one that should have said something to his family about how bad it was?
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I said he "paid for my flight" because it was a sign for me. He never stole from me, he stayed on track and worked to be equal contributor to our life. His paying for me to go with him was a sign that he was getting even better. Maybe he just wanted me to go with him to his family as a "beard" that would be the worst. However, it sure didn't feel like it...he was so loving and warm and affectionate.
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I asked him to leave on this last binge because I realized two things...I didn't want to minimize his addiction. My denial fell away because he had lied to me about his use...the lies deny the presence of trust and I need trust in a relationship. That simple.
I am asking because I think it is a fine line between letting someone hit bottom and someone who is so significantly affected by mental illness and issues combined with the crack use that they are too terrified to reveal their truth and get the help they need.
Maybe my desire to share his truth with his family is interfering. I don't know his sister and dad are both doctors and I feel like they should know. But as you say I don't have the "right". Even though his sister was calling me her future sister in law...
I am asking because I think it is a fine line between letting someone hit bottom and someone who is so significantly affected by mental illness and issues combined with the crack use that they are too terrified to reveal their truth and get the help they need.
Maybe my desire to share his truth with his family is interfering. I don't know his sister and dad are both doctors and I feel like they should know. But as you say I don't have the "right". Even though his sister was calling me her future sister in law...
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Join Date: Feb 2008
Location: In a good place
Posts: 4,482
Sometimes I share my truth with others when they ask and or when I'm reaching out for help for me. Outside of meetings, this forum, and my therapist's office, I no longer share my daughter's truth with anyone. Not even my husband or son, unless her truth directly affects them. I respect her right to privacy and self determination.
leslie, I understand the desire to want to protect and help him. We all do
leslie, I understand the desire to want to protect and help him. We all do
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(((((Lesliej)))))
Well first of all:
You didn't Cause this.
You can't Control this.
You can't Cure this.
I am sure his family and others are 'aware' that something is wrong with him. They may be in denial, but they are aware.
Oh, and don't kid yourself, the 'Recovery Community' he has been deceiving ....................... there again, those with any recovery at all have a pretty good BS meter already and those with longer recovery have an EXCELLENT BS meter. The only one he is really fooling is himself.
As to his mental issues. I have to tell you, that over the last 30+ years that I have worked with those attempting recovery, 85 to 90% come in with 'mental issues.' There is no way to know until ALL the toxins are out of their body for a period of time whether the mental issues were caused by the addictions or the addictions came from 'self medication.' Addiction can and does MIMIC other Mental Issues and can also make existing 'mental issues' much worse.
I was sober and clean 9 YEARS before I was diagnosed with Bipolar 2. In '71 I was diagnosed by really well though of Psych Doctor as being Manic Depressive/Schizophrenic (that is what the psych professionals used to call BiPolor, roflmao) but 'buried' that information real real deep. Always said 'she was the crazy one.' lol
The only person on this earth that you help to fix is YOURSELF.
You can worry about him or not worry about him and his actions and future will still be the same, so ............................. I know it's hard, but give him over to his HP and take all that energy and effort and use it on YOURSELF.
Only you can stop renting him space in your head. It is not easy but it can be done. I found the best way for me to 'give it up' was when I do my daily meditations, I simply ask the person's HP to watch over that person, and say to that HP 'your will not mine.'
I have shared the following before, but believe it is time to share it again:
My recovery from alcohol and drugs was not easy. However, each day that went by did get better and better. I used to say it was the hardest thing I have ever done in my life. However, there is something that has been harder ............................ getting my co dependent actions IN CHECK. Sheesh This 'Co Dependent Stuff' can POP UP anytime, and not just about the A's I work with. My kids, my grand kids, neighbors, friends, etc Guess I have the 'Fix it' gene real bad, in addition to the 'addiction gene.'
Please give yourself a break. Take care of you. He will find recovery or he won't and there is not one damn thing you can do to help.
J M H O
Love and hugs,
Well first of all:
You didn't Cause this.
You can't Control this.
You can't Cure this.
I am sure his family and others are 'aware' that something is wrong with him. They may be in denial, but they are aware.
Oh, and don't kid yourself, the 'Recovery Community' he has been deceiving ....................... there again, those with any recovery at all have a pretty good BS meter already and those with longer recovery have an EXCELLENT BS meter. The only one he is really fooling is himself.
As to his mental issues. I have to tell you, that over the last 30+ years that I have worked with those attempting recovery, 85 to 90% come in with 'mental issues.' There is no way to know until ALL the toxins are out of their body for a period of time whether the mental issues were caused by the addictions or the addictions came from 'self medication.' Addiction can and does MIMIC other Mental Issues and can also make existing 'mental issues' much worse.
I was sober and clean 9 YEARS before I was diagnosed with Bipolar 2. In '71 I was diagnosed by really well though of Psych Doctor as being Manic Depressive/Schizophrenic (that is what the psych professionals used to call BiPolor, roflmao) but 'buried' that information real real deep. Always said 'she was the crazy one.' lol
The only person on this earth that you help to fix is YOURSELF.
You can worry about him or not worry about him and his actions and future will still be the same, so ............................. I know it's hard, but give him over to his HP and take all that energy and effort and use it on YOURSELF.
Only you can stop renting him space in your head. It is not easy but it can be done. I found the best way for me to 'give it up' was when I do my daily meditations, I simply ask the person's HP to watch over that person, and say to that HP 'your will not mine.'
I have shared the following before, but believe it is time to share it again:
My recovery from alcohol and drugs was not easy. However, each day that went by did get better and better. I used to say it was the hardest thing I have ever done in my life. However, there is something that has been harder ............................ getting my co dependent actions IN CHECK. Sheesh This 'Co Dependent Stuff' can POP UP anytime, and not just about the A's I work with. My kids, my grand kids, neighbors, friends, etc Guess I have the 'Fix it' gene real bad, in addition to the 'addiction gene.'
Please give yourself a break. Take care of you. He will find recovery or he won't and there is not one damn thing you can do to help.
J M H O
Love and hugs,
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Join Date: Nov 2011
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thank you, I love that this forum allows the space for cross talk, advice and direct replies. a dose of strength, experience, compassion is just what I need...especially in the land of "Minnesota Nice". Sometimes I almost feel like al anon is too soft. the lies, deceit and manipulation that go along with addiction are so much deeper than I imagined...along with aspects of my denial. My eyes are opening more each day...in a peaceful way really, which surprises me.
I think that I may just keep it really simple. Since I am close to his family and they are long distance I feel like it I would be letting go by sharing the burden. I just feel the need to say "I hope you have some idea of how bad he has it...I didn't and I was living with him...and I'm the one who knows the most about his use outside of him. Just felt the need to let you know as I have had to let him go..."
I feel like it is FOR ME...to bring me serenity to know that I shared the burden of knowing how bad he is as I walk away...
My fear is what would happen to MY serenity if he dies and I never said anything to his family about how bad it was...
It's not about his recovery, it is about my fear of feeling at fault in the future if I did not send a very simple message out to his "need to know" family. It feels like part of my letting go. My parting glance. Is this just a rationalized crazy layer of my denial of my own co-dependence???
I think that I may just keep it really simple. Since I am close to his family and they are long distance I feel like it I would be letting go by sharing the burden. I just feel the need to say "I hope you have some idea of how bad he has it...I didn't and I was living with him...and I'm the one who knows the most about his use outside of him. Just felt the need to let you know as I have had to let him go..."
I feel like it is FOR ME...to bring me serenity to know that I shared the burden of knowing how bad he is as I walk away...
My fear is what would happen to MY serenity if he dies and I never said anything to his family about how bad it was...
It's not about his recovery, it is about my fear of feeling at fault in the future if I did not send a very simple message out to his "need to know" family. It feels like part of my letting go. My parting glance. Is this just a rationalized crazy layer of my denial of my own co-dependence???
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Join Date: Nov 2011
Posts: 71
If you are really letting go, and are considering just this one last thing..remember that there is a possibility he's going to lie again, and you're not going to be there to tell anyone.
I can understand the want to notify his family if you are close to them. I don't think there would be any harm in sending a letter or emailing them, and stop there. It is a good idea to keep it simple like you said. Consider asking them to keep it confidential, because most likely he would use the letter as a reason to communicate with you or give him false hope that you aren't letting go completey. You can always give them permission to contact the sponser with the confidential information if THEY think it will help. This is no longer your battle.
I'm sorry you have to deal with this, the pain must be similar to dealing with a death.
I can understand the want to notify his family if you are close to them. I don't think there would be any harm in sending a letter or emailing them, and stop there. It is a good idea to keep it simple like you said. Consider asking them to keep it confidential, because most likely he would use the letter as a reason to communicate with you or give him false hope that you aren't letting go completey. You can always give them permission to contact the sponser with the confidential information if THEY think it will help. This is no longer your battle.
I'm sorry you have to deal with this, the pain must be similar to dealing with a death.
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well...I did send a message.
pretty much a transcript of what I have written. I knew she would understand and she was kind and receiving...seems she has more codie recovery than me! I do feel relief.
Also, according to her, there wasn't any "abuse"...one of the ongoing hopelessly tragic sad excuses he uses to use. Just another manipulative confabulation. good for me to know...another strand let go to the higher power.
thank you. letting go. peace.
pretty much a transcript of what I have written. I knew she would understand and she was kind and receiving...seems she has more codie recovery than me! I do feel relief.
Also, according to her, there wasn't any "abuse"...one of the ongoing hopelessly tragic sad excuses he uses to use. Just another manipulative confabulation. good for me to know...another strand let go to the higher power.
thank you. letting go. peace.
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Nov 2011
Location: Minneapolis
Posts: 924
well...I did send a message.
pretty much a transcript of what I have written. I knew she would understand and she was kind and receiving...seems she has more codie recovery than me! I do feel relief.
Also, according to her, there wasn't any "abuse"...one of the ongoing hopelessly tragic sad excuses he uses to use. Just another manipulative confabulation. good for me to know...another strand let go to the higher power.
thank you. letting go. peace.
pretty much a transcript of what I have written. I knew she would understand and she was kind and receiving...seems she has more codie recovery than me! I do feel relief.
Also, according to her, there wasn't any "abuse"...one of the ongoing hopelessly tragic sad excuses he uses to use. Just another manipulative confabulation. good for me to know...another strand let go to the higher power.
thank you. letting go. peace.
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Nov 2011
Location: Minneapolis
Posts: 924
all of your voices and stories and advice on this site is helping me move into this phase of my life and I am sure it will continue to help me through the process of letting go.
a few of the things that I have done which I discovered here...I posted the "ten ways you know you're ready to let go" on my refrigerator. I "unfriended him on facebook lastnight. I changed his name in my cell phone to "crack addict". I am reaching out, with calls to friends, going to meetings, and checking in here.
I notice that I have almost an obsession with this page, I just notice, and I am gentle with myself about it. I used to have the obsession with his page, his texts...now I just let go and accept that I am coming here, it is a deep well. I need the similarity of stories, the strength and support found here.
I realize that I am also in the middle of a break up, there is grief, anger, bargaining...all the phases that I must try to accept and move through.
But I am also dealing with the break up with "my addict", and breaking up between an addict and a codependent has it's own bizarre added set of qualities.
This is 11 of "almost no contact" (only the bare necessity for moving).
I will admit that there is a part of me that is waiting for his apologies and begging.
I will admit that in the past it was often me who asked him back!
I will love that part of myself that so wanted love.
I will love him enough that I will know he is not capable of giving me what I want in a relationship...the basic foundation of a healthy relationship: trust.
I just notice these things, let them rest for a moment in my mind and heart and then I let them go. It is part of a romantic fantasy that is dissipating. It is a heartbreak slowly stitching itself back together by acknowledging self.
I will not beat myself up for loving, but I will examine why I choose to love an active addict. I understand more and more in all of your stories and support. Thank you.
a few of the things that I have done which I discovered here...I posted the "ten ways you know you're ready to let go" on my refrigerator. I "unfriended him on facebook lastnight. I changed his name in my cell phone to "crack addict". I am reaching out, with calls to friends, going to meetings, and checking in here.
I notice that I have almost an obsession with this page, I just notice, and I am gentle with myself about it. I used to have the obsession with his page, his texts...now I just let go and accept that I am coming here, it is a deep well. I need the similarity of stories, the strength and support found here.
I realize that I am also in the middle of a break up, there is grief, anger, bargaining...all the phases that I must try to accept and move through.
But I am also dealing with the break up with "my addict", and breaking up between an addict and a codependent has it's own bizarre added set of qualities.
This is 11 of "almost no contact" (only the bare necessity for moving).
I will admit that there is a part of me that is waiting for his apologies and begging.
I will admit that in the past it was often me who asked him back!
I will love that part of myself that so wanted love.
I will love him enough that I will know he is not capable of giving me what I want in a relationship...the basic foundation of a healthy relationship: trust.
I just notice these things, let them rest for a moment in my mind and heart and then I let them go. It is part of a romantic fantasy that is dissipating. It is a heartbreak slowly stitching itself back together by acknowledging self.
I will not beat myself up for loving, but I will examine why I choose to love an active addict. I understand more and more in all of your stories and support. Thank you.
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