Press charges against my son ?
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Nov 2011
Posts: 227
Press charges against my son ?
My 19 year old son has a history of drug use and mental health issues. I truly do not know if the current issue is due to drugs or mh or a combo of both (intuition is telling me a combo). He's been told he could no longer stay in the house because of prior "issues" but we have a pool house and we allowed him to stay there as long as he was working on getting on with his life. That was almost 2 months ago. In those 2 months he hasn't really tried to get a job, hasn't gone to court ordered therapy and has only very minimally complied with his probation. I've been enabling by buying him food each week, providing cigs and such (I'm an a bonafide codependent..I know this and am working on it. That's the background.. Now onto the current incident...
Long story short, he became enraged thinking my husband had taken something of his out of the pool house. He was banging on the back door with a metal pipe and ended up completely demolishing the pool house- tore doors off the hinges and smashed them, broke all the light fixtures, tearing them off the wall, smashed every piece of glass, tv, bathroom fixtures, etc etc. my husband had left the house prior to this and didn't actually witness it. The police were called when but they did not arrest him bc they couldn't prove he did it (????) I called a crisis unit and had him involuntarily committed for psychiatric evaluation. He refuses to sign a release for the dr to talk to me and he
will not speak to me. I've tried calling and he slams the phone down on me. My husband filed a restraining order but I did not so I could maybe speak to or see him while he was in the hospital (but my husband's ro will keep him out of the house or give us recourse if he tries to return). The hospital can only keep him for 3 days involuntarily, and that's up today. I have no idea as to the results of his tox screen or his current mental state.
My dillemma now is whether we should press charges or not. If we do he goes to jail on a VOP in another state where he knows no one.
I need advice. I know he needs serious help but don't know if jail will provide the help he needs. If I do nothing he may end up on the streets. Ecause he really has no one.
Long story short, he became enraged thinking my husband had taken something of his out of the pool house. He was banging on the back door with a metal pipe and ended up completely demolishing the pool house- tore doors off the hinges and smashed them, broke all the light fixtures, tearing them off the wall, smashed every piece of glass, tv, bathroom fixtures, etc etc. my husband had left the house prior to this and didn't actually witness it. The police were called when but they did not arrest him bc they couldn't prove he did it (????) I called a crisis unit and had him involuntarily committed for psychiatric evaluation. He refuses to sign a release for the dr to talk to me and he
will not speak to me. I've tried calling and he slams the phone down on me. My husband filed a restraining order but I did not so I could maybe speak to or see him while he was in the hospital (but my husband's ro will keep him out of the house or give us recourse if he tries to return). The hospital can only keep him for 3 days involuntarily, and that's up today. I have no idea as to the results of his tox screen or his current mental state.
My dillemma now is whether we should press charges or not. If we do he goes to jail on a VOP in another state where he knows no one.
I need advice. I know he needs serious help but don't know if jail will provide the help he needs. If I do nothing he may end up on the streets. Ecause he really has no one.
Guest
Join Date: May 2007
Posts: 2,968
One of the most difficult decisions one must make as a parent is to charge
them or not?
I have had to this as well to my son...we also have a small independent space
in our back yard hoping as well that our son would have some sort of comfort
rather than the streets.
It really didn't matter to him as his addiction as your sons addiction, drugs rule them..you are
as I have found out nothing more than a means to an end.
I had to think outside of the normal ( our own flesh)..if he were a tenant or anyone other than
my son..What would be my reaction?
I made my terrible but needed decision based on this factor..
Another thought..if in jail at least they are getting regulated to a point..
not necessarily the help that you or I would like..but at least a time out
to get detoxed, reasonably healthy with having meals and a bed.
It is a journey that we really cannot control for the addict, only our own
reactions.
Our love for them is from birth on..we lost them somewhere along the path
and we did give them the dignity of making choices..however bad their choices
are or will be we cannot take responsibility, we can only give them the dignity
of facing the consequences.
lauren
them or not?
I have had to this as well to my son...we also have a small independent space
in our back yard hoping as well that our son would have some sort of comfort
rather than the streets.
It really didn't matter to him as his addiction as your sons addiction, drugs rule them..you are
as I have found out nothing more than a means to an end.
I had to think outside of the normal ( our own flesh)..if he were a tenant or anyone other than
my son..What would be my reaction?
I made my terrible but needed decision based on this factor..
Another thought..if in jail at least they are getting regulated to a point..
not necessarily the help that you or I would like..but at least a time out
to get detoxed, reasonably healthy with having meals and a bed.
It is a journey that we really cannot control for the addict, only our own
reactions.
Our love for them is from birth on..we lost them somewhere along the path
and we did give them the dignity of making choices..however bad their choices
are or will be we cannot take responsibility, we can only give them the dignity
of facing the consequences.
lauren
Last edited by lauren; 11-18-2011 at 05:55 AM. Reason: spelling
Guest
Join Date: May 2007
Posts: 2,968
I'm so sorry for your sorrow..my husband asked me to take all the pictures
of our son down and place them in the attic. It helped him find relief..we
will never stop loving what they were as we have so much history with our
children. We must do that which needs to be done to get ourselves in a
better place.
Be comforted dear lady..many here feel your tears.
lauren
of our son down and place them in the attic. It helped him find relief..we
will never stop loving what they were as we have so much history with our
children. We must do that which needs to be done to get ourselves in a
better place.
Be comforted dear lady..many here feel your tears.
lauren
Member
Join Date: Aug 2008
Posts: 521
Heartbroken... my thoughts and prayers are truly with you. I don't have any idea of what I would do in this situation. I don't have children so I don't feel comfy offering advice. So, I just thought I would say I will pray for you and your family.
Let go and Let God!
Join Date: Sep 2011
Location: Ohio
Posts: 352
Heartbroken....I am so sorry you are going through this. My prayers are with you.
As a recovering addict, I am thinking I would press charges. I know it's easier when you are on the outside looking in. My saying has been if you can't help them up help them down. Help him to hit is bottom. My mom did that to me and it was the best thing she could have done.
If your son has consequences to his actions, he is more likely to hit bottom faster. My dad saved me so many times. It just kept me using longer, I knew my dad would bail me out every time. He didn't know any better.
Good luck and know that we are here for you....
As a recovering addict, I am thinking I would press charges. I know it's easier when you are on the outside looking in. My saying has been if you can't help them up help them down. Help him to hit is bottom. My mom did that to me and it was the best thing she could have done.
If your son has consequences to his actions, he is more likely to hit bottom faster. My dad saved me so many times. It just kept me using longer, I knew my dad would bail me out every time. He didn't know any better.
Good luck and know that we are here for you....
Member
Join Date: Nov 2011
Location: Minneapolis
Posts: 924
the bed pad that sat on a concrete slab in jail was the foundation of my brother's recovery.
god bless you.
no one can give you the answer, that's part of what is so difficult. maybe speak to an investigator and see if pressing charges can be based on psych report?
praying for you...
god bless you.
no one can give you the answer, that's part of what is so difficult. maybe speak to an investigator and see if pressing charges can be based on psych report?
praying for you...
Member
Join Date: Oct 2011
Posts: 1,698
Dear Heartbroken, I had to make the choice, it was the choice that saved my sons life. He was using Heroin, and was stealing from us even after we let him in for a second time. He served time in jail (4 months) and then was transferred to a court ordered inpatient rehab unit. He is 21. It is early in his recovery, but we had one very good conversation, he and I agreed that the arrest was the only thing I could do and that saved his life. He has a long way to go, but at least now he is where people who have the same desire are surrounded by him. It is the ONLY thing you can do for your son right now. He needs that bottom before there is any light at the end of the tunnel.
My thoughts and support go out to you this is a very hard thing to face.
Love
Teresa
My thoughts and support go out to you this is a very hard thing to face.
Love
Teresa
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Nov 2011
Posts: 227
thank you all. You have no idea (or maybe you do) how much your words mean to me.
hello-kitty - NO.. he can not come back to the house (or property). I can no longer live like this.. and it's not fair to my younger daughter who is suffering over all this as well.
Logically I believe pressing charges is the right thing to do, but I keep feeling like that will mean that I'm the one who put him in jail (I know.. his actions are what caused that, and maybe it's just trauma from all the guilt he's laid on me all these years, but I can't shake the thought). My husband is also kind of pressuring me to find another way to get him help. He doesn't understand how the system works and sometimes thinks I can perform miracles. Other family members aren't very supportive in terms of me "getting my son in trouble".
Thank you again for all your responses. I very much appreciate your concern and prayers.
hello-kitty - NO.. he can not come back to the house (or property). I can no longer live like this.. and it's not fair to my younger daughter who is suffering over all this as well.
Logically I believe pressing charges is the right thing to do, but I keep feeling like that will mean that I'm the one who put him in jail (I know.. his actions are what caused that, and maybe it's just trauma from all the guilt he's laid on me all these years, but I can't shake the thought). My husband is also kind of pressuring me to find another way to get him help. He doesn't understand how the system works and sometimes thinks I can perform miracles. Other family members aren't very supportive in terms of me "getting my son in trouble".
Thank you again for all your responses. I very much appreciate your concern and prayers.
Member
Join Date: Apr 2007
Location: Seattle, WA
Posts: 3,335
Jail can save an addicts life. It will get them off the street, get them sober, and give them some time to think about their actions. 3 hots and a cot - not a bad place for a drug addict compared to living under a bridge or in a crackhouse.
But... neither the system or parents can perform miracles. The desire to get and stay clean has to come from within the addicts own mind, and that's something no outside force can control. Although logical consequences for behavior and firm boundaries established by loved owns can sometimes help them realize the fallout from addiction isn't worth the high.
I'm glad you are protecting your younger daughter. Go mom! Have you thought of attending an Al-anon or Nar-anon meeting in your area? You will find a lot of face to face support there. It might help you be able to think a little more clearly about what the WISEST choices are when it comes to your family and your son.
Welcome by the way! You'll find lots of support and wisdom on this board.
But... neither the system or parents can perform miracles. The desire to get and stay clean has to come from within the addicts own mind, and that's something no outside force can control. Although logical consequences for behavior and firm boundaries established by loved owns can sometimes help them realize the fallout from addiction isn't worth the high.
I'm glad you are protecting your younger daughter. Go mom! Have you thought of attending an Al-anon or Nar-anon meeting in your area? You will find a lot of face to face support there. It might help you be able to think a little more clearly about what the WISEST choices are when it comes to your family and your son.
Welcome by the way! You'll find lots of support and wisdom on this board.
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Nov 2011
Posts: 227
I have thought about attending meetings -- I have compiled a list of when and where there is a meeting each day within a 30 mile radius... just haven't gone yet. I think that's going to change tonight. I need SUPPORT. I've always been the only one truly dealing with all this and I've reached my limit.. I can't pretend to have all the answers anymore because I do not. I need other people, like yourselves, who have been there and can help me make the WISE choices (thanks for pointing that out..I know what you mean).
Member
Join Date: Feb 2008
Location: Kansas
Posts: 10,182
Originally Posted by catlovermi 
If you do not charge him, what lesson have you taught him?
CLMI
CLMI
She is no longer welcome in my home, and you can count on me pressing charges should she ever destroy any of my property.
She's currently in jail on felony drug-related charges, and hasn't called me because she knows better. This mom has had her fill.
Belgian Sheepdog Adictee
Join Date: Apr 2004
Location: In Today
Posts: 6,101
Welcome to SR. I am glad you found us, but sad for the reasons you had to.
I hope you can go to some meetings soon as they will help a lot.
You will learn The 3 C's:
You didn't cause this.
You can't control this.
You can't cure this.
Please understand that by pressing charges you will be allowing your son to feel the consequences of HIS ACTIONS.
We don't do our A's any favors by not doing what we would if it was a stranger.
I know it is hard because we 'love' them, but I had to learn the hard way like many of us have, that my enabling didn't help, but only hindered my loved one's finding their 'bottom'.
Please keep posting and let us know how YOU are doing as we do care very much! Feel free to ask questions, cry, rant, rave, scream, and yes even laugh with us.
Love and hugs,
I hope you can go to some meetings soon as they will help a lot.
You will learn The 3 C's:
You didn't cause this.
You can't control this.
You can't cure this.
My dillemma now is whether we should press charges or not.
We don't do our A's any favors by not doing what we would if it was a stranger.
I know it is hard because we 'love' them, but I had to learn the hard way like many of us have, that my enabling didn't help, but only hindered my loved one's finding their 'bottom'.
Please keep posting and let us know how YOU are doing as we do care very much! Feel free to ask questions, cry, rant, rave, scream, and yes even laugh with us.
Love and hugs,
Forum Leader
Join Date: Dec 2004
Location: The Burgh
Posts: 1,991
Originally Posted by cynical one
If they tell you to do something different or try to play the blame or guilt games, simply put a huge smile on your face and say “Thank you. I’ll call my son and tell him that you are going to allow him to live in your home.” And, then quickly walk away.
Heartbroken, I was also the mom that didn't want my son to go to jail ( I ran interference on many occassions). But he did end up there regardless. All I had done was prolonged the wait, and during that wait he spiraled further down.
It was important to me also that I not be the one to put him there, however what did land him in jail was an accident that could have hurt innocent people, and that resulted in a debt of over $30k in restitution now hanging over him.
Had I gone ahead and pressed charges I do believe he would be further along now. I can't prove it but it stands to reason.
I would hands down rather my son be in jail than be on the streets.
Keep posting, we're walking with you now.
(((Hugs)))
Member
Join Date: Oct 2011
Posts: 1,698
Dear Heart Broken, that guilt that you "Feel" is not real. YOU did not ruin your pool house, YOU did not threaten your family with a metal bar. The son you love is not the person you are dealing with right now. That is the hardest thing to understand, I know believe me. All we Moms want is our kids back and we are bound and determined to save them. I risked everything I had to try and do that. The only thing that saved my son is the cold hard bitter reality that he no longer can lie and steal from me. Now perhaps we can start over at some point when he is committed to his recovery and I wait for that day with hope. Get help and support. I tried the "solo mio" thing for 4 months and developed a nasty wine drinking habit that caused me to also question my recovery
Better now and finally on track by asking for help and letting GO.
Hugs
Teresa
Better now and finally on track by asking for help and letting GO.
Hugs
Teresa
Member
Join Date: Feb 2008
Location: Chicago area
Posts: 4,269
Sounds like quite a life , free shelter, food, cigs and a cell.
The violence of the most recent situation suggests he is a danger to himself and others. I would press charges. Until this guy begins to experience the consequences, he has no reason to consider alternatives.
I would not allow him to return under any circumstances.
Give him the dignity of dealing with the consequences of his choices and behaviors.
The violence of the most recent situation suggests he is a danger to himself and others. I would press charges. Until this guy begins to experience the consequences, he has no reason to consider alternatives.
I would not allow him to return under any circumstances.
Give him the dignity of dealing with the consequences of his choices and behaviors.
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Nov 2011
Posts: 227
I agree, his behavior showed he was a danger which is why I had him involuntarily admitted for psychiatric evaluation. I was wrong in providing things for him in the past...I will never do so again. He is out of the hospital and was brought to a local shelter. I hope he chooses to take advantage of the services they offer but am resigned to the fact that if he doesn't that it his choice. If he shows up here I will call the police, no questions asked. I'm not ok but I know what needs to happen and will not waiver.
Thank you all for your comments. I picked up the form today from the police station to press charges and have it all filled out. Will drop it off to the police station in the morning. This really hurts but I believe it's the best thing to do. I wouldn't have done this without all of your encouragement. Thank you and please keep praying for me.
I didn't make it to a meeting tonight but did spend some time with a supportive friend, got my nails done and had a nice dinner. It felt good to just enjoy myself and not think about my son for a little bit.
Thank you all for your comments. I picked up the form today from the police station to press charges and have it all filled out. Will drop it off to the police station in the morning. This really hurts but I believe it's the best thing to do. I wouldn't have done this without all of your encouragement. Thank you and please keep praying for me.
I didn't make it to a meeting tonight but did spend some time with a supportive friend, got my nails done and had a nice dinner. It felt good to just enjoy myself and not think about my son for a little bit.
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