gforecoveringca

Hey everyone it has been quite a while since I have been here I have had so much to happen hell still have so much happening anyways! It seems I have been fooled once again . I for a second thought (or had the illusion ) that the man I love dearly was actually changing . Of course in the back of my head that stupid voice (thqts usually right) was screaming run! Man I'm stqrting to think I should have listened . Now I'm stuck in a hard place at the moment bc I need him. Ok let me explain someone set my house on fire almost a month ago and wo him for one me and my kids may not be alive . I never. heqrd the fire alarm . And second he is fidingg all the damage and moving all of my stuff. Don't get me wrong he still does not stay alone w our children I give him a second chance w us and not a week later I ended up finding out he wa using around our kids and I had to go them in the miedle of the night and and take them to work with me . He swys hes going to start going to meetings but I think its just because I was pushing it. After I am back in my house I could not break things off bc that would be using him. I truely do love him with qll my heart. I'm starting to think that most of the drama is bc of him well I guess I know itw bc of him. All except for the house I dnt thinly that had anything to do with that. Guess I could use a little insigjt support advise I dnt know something ! Besides I should j cut my losses bc that's j not an option at yje moment I'm not ready to let go of the only man I've ever loved I have been w him since i was 16 we have two children he's been jthere threw everything . I j can't stand the thought of giving up on him.

hello-kitty

Instead of giving up on him, can you focus on saving yourself? Try Alanon or Naranon and read CoDependent No More. We are as sick as the addicts. We should work the program we wish they would work. If you aren't willing to get into recovery, work a program and make changes for the better, then it's not really fair to expect him too, is it?

Why should he change if you're not going to?

outtolunch

He's not interested in recovery and you are not interested in loosing the hopeful fantasy that some day, he's going to change. Quite a dilema.

Addiction demands he protect and sustain it at all costs.

Our codependency also demands the same from us.

Addiction is progressive. This will get worse.

There are likely some Alanon meetings in your area. Empower yourself and go. You are the responsible parent and will put them, their need for stability, before your own.

Cephas

"I have been w him since i was 16"......Red flag.

I was also married to young. It is not an easy way to go. The problem is you both don't love and respect yourselves enough to set boundaries.

A boundary is simply loving yourself enough to be you and be happy.

You are lovable above and beyond what you believe of yourself. You will be amazed at the inner peace and joy you will find when you accept that.

:ghug3

hopeful0323

My AXBF and I also have two children together. I made the decision about 5 months ago to seperate from him. And he shows me EVERYDAY that I made the right decision. Just because you have been together for a long time and have children together does not mean that you "have to" stay together. Life has no guarantees.

I loved my AXBF so much and I noticed my enabling behaviors were not helping or even pointing him in the path of recovery. Thats when I realized if I really loved him I would have to do what was best for him and me. I had to let go.

I am now learning to love myself. I am lovable and deserve to be happy. As you are. If you are not currently attending alanon or naranon, I strongly urge you to do so. Alanon and soberrecovery have given me strength I never knew I had. Without my own recovery path, I would still be in the dark world of addiction with AXBF. Prayers and hugs for you.

gforecoveringca

Ok ok i will admit when I first read the comments I was a bit upset bc I have been working on myself and boundaries but I do have faith that he will change but yes that could also just be fantasy its just hard to belive that such a good man is going to become an addict and only an addict . He had got really bad but when he started being himself agian I had hope and I can not get upset for someone to assume I have no boundaries when I have not said so. But he has not lived with me in 8 months plus I do not allow unsupervises time with the kids. i do not pay his bills but I do hold onto his money which I personally dnt see anything wrong with that. I am not married although he proposed 3 years ago I said yes but I j wasn't ready then last year he started doing drugs. I know I do have low self esteem and anxiety also. We split for a little while and I must say i was miserable wo him I missed him very much . I would love to go to meetings myself but there are none within an hour away I work 15 hour shifts and have to find time to spend w my babies so I cant drivw an hour to go to a meeting I can barely get a baby sitter for wrk! But wo me telling yall that how would you know? So I do see what you all are saying. But I do have boundaries bit at the same time o know my faith in him could be fantasy b/c the reality is he has not showed any proof of him trying besides saying so

laurie6781

That my friend is ENABLING. He is not a child or teenager, he is an ADULT. Your are not his mommy. Give him his own money back. You say y'all are not living together, is he paying child support, or giving you money for feeding the children, clothing, medical, etc?

I really hope you try some Alanon meetings and/or get with a therapist, one that specializes in addiction.

There is no 'become an addict' here, he already is ONE.

Addicts lie, and addicts manipulate, I know I am one, albeit sober and clean many years, but I remember like it was yesterday. You honestly DO NOT KNOW how long he has been using, you only KNOW when he couldn't HIDE it anymore.

None of above is said to 'put you down' or make you feel bad. Just sharing what I know from my own ES&H from my own many years in recovery and working with many.

Alanon and/or a therapist will help you set 'healthy' boundaries for you and your children.

Please don't be a stranger, keep posting and let us know how YOU and the children are doing as we do care very much!

Feel free to rant, rave, cry, scream, and yes even laugh.

Love and hugs,

hello-kitty

Velveeta!

gforecoveringca

I do appreciate the advise although I cant say i completely agree w everything I will admit that the money issue is not the best of ideas that was his 0arents Ido realize there are other men out there that does not mean I want one I want him the real him whatever happened to having faith after all isn't that what relationships are about? I mean are we really sopose to just bail kn our partner when things get tough? Yes he has put ne through hell and back but he has always been there for me. Now I just can't see leaving him when he needs me the most eventuality if he shows bp effort that's a different story I'm not gonna waste my life waiting on something that will never be but I am however gonna give him a chance

hopeful0323

He bailed on you and your children when he picked up the drugs. As did mine. Addiction is a progressive disease, it will get worse, way worse. My AXBF does not even attempt to contact his kids or me anymore. He could give a s*** less, he is too wrapped up in addiction. I hope you look into some type of support group, it is the only way you can get sanity and clarity back in your life. Prayers for you.

hopeful0323

I love your analogies anvilhead!!! This one is definately one of my favorites!

dollydo

I agree with Lauri & Anvilhead, they, to me, are right on spot. It is your life, however, you do have children who should not be exposed to addictrion, they will carry their childhood into adulthood, they have already indherited the gene to predispose them to addiction, to me, that's enough of a hurdle to overcome.

As far as unsupervised visits with your children, that would not fly with me. If CPS gets a
drift of this, it would really open up a hornets nest, one that I personally would never want to deal with.

Hope this all works out as you have it planned.

gforecoveringca

@dollydo I dnt think you read that right I do not allow him alone with our children. And I realize that I can't expose my kids to that lifestyle that is y I can not let him live w me but ad long as he helps.support them and wants to be in thete life I will not keep them from seeing there daddy . His family are the only people that help me at all. @anvilhead he has been there threw my problems with my bipolar before I was diagnosed but you are absolutly right I have give him tons of chances but right now I need him in my life or else in a month I will have no where to live bc he is the only person rebuilding my home drom the fire but yes I have give him tons of chances I know i deservw better and I hate that +y kids are going to have to be affected no matter what choice I make :'( I hate that so.+uch.bc the6 do not deserve that but unfortunately I can not control his decision and actions if it becomes to where he is using around them supervised that will come to a stop too.

dollydo

Sorry if I misread your post, ok, good that he does not have unsupervised visitation.

gforecoveringca

@dollydo that's ok I was pretty sure you read that wrong !

gforecoveringca

I just want to say thank yall I was a little irritated about the replies I got yesterday while I still may not agree w everything but the comments made me realize that I truely am hurting myself bc he has to chose to get better I can not do it for him . As far aa holding on to his money that is only prolonging this terrible disease . I am almost positive that he is gonna go down hill once I quit trying to control him. but I do have to wair j a little while bc of my situation but I know prolonging things are going to hurt.me in the end. I hate to see him get worse but I dnt wanna waste my life on a fairy tale that may never happen if it does that would be great but it is out of my hands so thank you all for helping me realize that