new here, need support for coping with ABF...
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Join Date: Nov 2011
Posts: 57
new here, need support for coping with ABF...
Hello,
I came across this online group when I was up the other night, desperately looking for some insight into what's going on in my life by googling "cocaine addict boyfriend disappears." Seems I'm not alone.
I grew up with two alcoholic parents and my sister is a recovering opiate addict, so codependence is nothing new to me. I met my ABF about two years ago. He was dating someone else at the time, but we developed a special friendship, especially when we both lost our mothers at about the same time a couple summers ago. I knew all along that he was a pot smoker, but I smoke pot now and then, too, and wasn't much bothered by it. He mentioned to me that he had done cocaine in the past, but said he was done with it. He seemed sweet and gentle to me when we first met. I didn't yet know about his other side.
After his mother died, his relationship with his ex-girlfriend started to seriously sour and they broke up. When he was going through this, I felt sorry for him. He was unemployed, but he claimed that he had tried to get a job but just couldn't find one, and he needed a little money to get him through. He said that his mother was very wealthy and he was going to inherit some money from her and could repay me, and so I embarked on a pattern of lending him money. He went to the country where he was born, to claim his inheritance from his mother's estate he said, but somehow it never happened. He says his relatives are fighting him in court. Who knows the truth. A couple months later, he came to visit and pick up some possessions he'd left with his ex, and we began sleeping together. After that, he began to tell me that if he could borrow just a little more money, he would be getting some soon from a very large trust fund that his grandfather left to him. So I loaned him more money. I knew that he had been doing cocaine around the time that his mom died, but he told me he'd given it up since then, and I wanted to believe him, although I see now that he was probably spending a lot of the money I gave him on drugs.
Anyway, to make a long story short, we have been carrying on a long distance relationship for the past year. We visit sometimes, but he has been living in his country and I have been living in the US. He has been promising that as soon as he gets the money from the trust fund he is going to come live with me. Meanwhile, I have been loaning him more and more money. I knew that he was using cocaine again this past spring, but he swore up and down that since then he'd given it up. A couple weeks ago, he came to the US, and he said he was working with a lawyer to claim his trust fund money, and he told me that he expected to get the money any day now and would be coming to see me as soon as he did. And then he just disappeared. I haven't heard from him now in eleven days, although I know he's alive and not in jail because I've noticed his phone being turned off and on, and also that he has logged onto skype. The only explanation I can imagine is that he's using cocaine again. I know that he becomes very paranoid and avoids me when he does.
Who knows if any of what he says is true about the trust fund. I have certainly caught him in other lies. Little things, like he lied to me about the price of a wrench that I gave him money for, and big things, like he told me that he had gotten an expensive ticket while driving my car in order to do me a favor, and I gave him money to pay it, but later I checked on my state's court record website and found no record of him ever getting the ticket. And it's not just the lying. He is also terribly moody. I visited him for two months this summer in his country, and the whole time he was terribly moody and temperamental, having bouts of paranoia where he would accuse me very angrily of being a bad partner, not listening to him, and all sorts of other nonsense.
And yet, somehow, I have had a very hard time letting go of the relationship. It makes me very ashamed of myself that I can't let go, but I worry about his well-being and feel responsible for him, even though I know consciously that he is not my problem. I have a good job and am very responsible, pay my bills on time and so on, but somehow I have learned to accept so much less from my ABF. Even now, when he is avoiding me, I feel torn. I feel terribly angry and sad, and also just wish to hear from him and have things be good somehow. I know I should break up with him, but my inability to give up on fixing him is making it hard. I also have been reluctant to dump him because I keep hoping I'm going to get paid back eventually. He owes me about $12,000 at this point. I know he will show up again eventually, remorseful, and I am trying to figure out how I am going to stand firm when I know I will also feel the urge to fix his unhappiness, and that I will also feel scared of how he will react if I try to end things. I have been seeing a therapist, but sometimes I feel like a broken record whining about him week after week! Anyway, thanks for listening to me vent. It's nice to find a community that can understand. Any advice is greatly appreciated!
I came across this online group when I was up the other night, desperately looking for some insight into what's going on in my life by googling "cocaine addict boyfriend disappears." Seems I'm not alone.
I grew up with two alcoholic parents and my sister is a recovering opiate addict, so codependence is nothing new to me. I met my ABF about two years ago. He was dating someone else at the time, but we developed a special friendship, especially when we both lost our mothers at about the same time a couple summers ago. I knew all along that he was a pot smoker, but I smoke pot now and then, too, and wasn't much bothered by it. He mentioned to me that he had done cocaine in the past, but said he was done with it. He seemed sweet and gentle to me when we first met. I didn't yet know about his other side.
After his mother died, his relationship with his ex-girlfriend started to seriously sour and they broke up. When he was going through this, I felt sorry for him. He was unemployed, but he claimed that he had tried to get a job but just couldn't find one, and he needed a little money to get him through. He said that his mother was very wealthy and he was going to inherit some money from her and could repay me, and so I embarked on a pattern of lending him money. He went to the country where he was born, to claim his inheritance from his mother's estate he said, but somehow it never happened. He says his relatives are fighting him in court. Who knows the truth. A couple months later, he came to visit and pick up some possessions he'd left with his ex, and we began sleeping together. After that, he began to tell me that if he could borrow just a little more money, he would be getting some soon from a very large trust fund that his grandfather left to him. So I loaned him more money. I knew that he had been doing cocaine around the time that his mom died, but he told me he'd given it up since then, and I wanted to believe him, although I see now that he was probably spending a lot of the money I gave him on drugs.
Anyway, to make a long story short, we have been carrying on a long distance relationship for the past year. We visit sometimes, but he has been living in his country and I have been living in the US. He has been promising that as soon as he gets the money from the trust fund he is going to come live with me. Meanwhile, I have been loaning him more and more money. I knew that he was using cocaine again this past spring, but he swore up and down that since then he'd given it up. A couple weeks ago, he came to the US, and he said he was working with a lawyer to claim his trust fund money, and he told me that he expected to get the money any day now and would be coming to see me as soon as he did. And then he just disappeared. I haven't heard from him now in eleven days, although I know he's alive and not in jail because I've noticed his phone being turned off and on, and also that he has logged onto skype. The only explanation I can imagine is that he's using cocaine again. I know that he becomes very paranoid and avoids me when he does.
Who knows if any of what he says is true about the trust fund. I have certainly caught him in other lies. Little things, like he lied to me about the price of a wrench that I gave him money for, and big things, like he told me that he had gotten an expensive ticket while driving my car in order to do me a favor, and I gave him money to pay it, but later I checked on my state's court record website and found no record of him ever getting the ticket. And it's not just the lying. He is also terribly moody. I visited him for two months this summer in his country, and the whole time he was terribly moody and temperamental, having bouts of paranoia where he would accuse me very angrily of being a bad partner, not listening to him, and all sorts of other nonsense.
And yet, somehow, I have had a very hard time letting go of the relationship. It makes me very ashamed of myself that I can't let go, but I worry about his well-being and feel responsible for him, even though I know consciously that he is not my problem. I have a good job and am very responsible, pay my bills on time and so on, but somehow I have learned to accept so much less from my ABF. Even now, when he is avoiding me, I feel torn. I feel terribly angry and sad, and also just wish to hear from him and have things be good somehow. I know I should break up with him, but my inability to give up on fixing him is making it hard. I also have been reluctant to dump him because I keep hoping I'm going to get paid back eventually. He owes me about $12,000 at this point.
I know he will show up again eventually, remorseful, and I am trying to figure out how I am going to stand firm when I know I will also feel the urge to fix his unhappiness, and that I will also feel scared of how he will react if I try to end things. I have been seeing a therapist, but sometimes I feel like a broken record whining about him week after week! Anyway, thanks for listening to me vent. It's nice to find a community that can understand. Any advice is greatly appreciated!
I'm no angel!
Join Date: May 2005
Location: tampa, fl
Posts: 6,728
Welcome,
To me, you are simply codependent. Perhaps a woman who garners their self worth from
having a man, any man.
The red flags are waving in your face, he is playing you, you are his sugar momma. I wouldn't hold my breath waiting for the fictional "Inheritance", you'll have expired and there still won't be any money.
You can stop this...if you want to....just say NO, it is a complete sentence.
Have you considered therapy? What about reading Codependent No More, it is a good starting point. I would also suggest that you read all the stickies at the top of this forum, lots of helpful information, right at your fingertips.
Keep posting, we are here for you.
To me, you are simply codependent. Perhaps a woman who garners their self worth from
having a man, any man.
The red flags are waving in your face, he is playing you, you are his sugar momma. I wouldn't hold my breath waiting for the fictional "Inheritance", you'll have expired and there still won't be any money.
You can stop this...if you want to....just say NO, it is a complete sentence.
Have you considered therapy? What about reading Codependent No More, it is a good starting point. I would also suggest that you read all the stickies at the top of this forum, lots of helpful information, right at your fingertips.
Keep posting, we are here for you.
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Nov 2011
Posts: 57
Thanks, Dolly, it's good to have an outside perspective. I tend to doubt my own perception of things and want to believe the best about people. Like the "inheritance"--I'm sure you're right that it would be better to just kiss the idea of being repaid goodbye and try to get out before I end up lending him even more money. I'm 37 and I've never been in a relationship where I was such a sugar mama, but I guess I ignored the red flags and chose to believe for a while that he would repay me. I think I got a little greedy and even hoped he was going to be rich enough to support us in style. (That's what he told me.) Anyway, maybe it's worth giving up on getting repaid in order to be free of this heartache. I just ordered "codependent no more," thanks for the suggestion. I've been seeing a therapist, but talking to and reading the posts of others on this board helps--nice to know that I'm not alone and others struggle with the same issues, it helps with my sense of shame about getting myself into such a bad sitch...
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Join Date: Nov 2011
Posts: 57
LOL, thanks, Cynical One, for making me laugh at the absurdity of a situation that I've only been able to view with unhappiness lately. It really would have to involve a kidnapping scheme for his manipulations to get any more absurd!
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Nov 2011
Posts: 57
One problem I have is that he has threatened suicide in the past when things are going badly between us, and I'm afraid he will do the same if I break it off. Anyone have suggestions for how to cope with suicide threats? Maybe no contact is the best thing at this point, even if it does mean giving up on the 12k up as a hard lesson...
RIP Sweet Suki
Join Date: Apr 2008
Location: In my sanctuary, my home
Posts: 39,908
What I usually recommend to someone who's addict threatens suicide is to call 911 and report it. Then, step back and let them handle it. If he is serious, he will be in the best possible hands and if he isn't serious, the inconvenience and trouble he will have to go through (some places automatically hold a suicide threat for up to 72 hours) will keep him from pulling a stunt like that again. Of course, that is when the addict is in the same country as you. 
If he's in a different country, there wouldn't be anything you can do for him anyway. All suicide threats should be taken seriously enough to call 911, but many, many of them are merely attempts at manipulation. By only calling 911 and not going to him yourself, you've covered all the bases.
I highly recommend going no contact. Blocking him from your phone, email, and all other communication devices.
If he's in a different country, there wouldn't be anything you can do for him anyway. All suicide threats should be taken seriously enough to call 911, but many, many of them are merely attempts at manipulation. By only calling 911 and not going to him yourself, you've covered all the bases.
I highly recommend going no contact. Blocking him from your phone, email, and all other communication devices.
Member
Join Date: Nov 2005
Location: CA
Posts: 51
OH no... Listen, I relate 100% to the shame you feel... We all do, we all have lost our dignity and self-respect doing things we know aren't good for us and putting up with more than we know we deserve....
I particularly love this post Cynical did:
http://www.soberrecovery.com/forums/...like-dirt.html
I particularly love this post Cynical did:
http://www.soberrecovery.com/forums/...like-dirt.html
Last edited by humnbird; 11-16-2011 at 01:34 PM. Reason: that post wasn't old, boy am I late to the game.
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Join Date: Apr 2010
Posts: 1,288
Tell this international casanova, that the ATM machine he's been using in the USA is closed for business and will not reopen until HE provides a $12,000 in bail out money.
I wonder how many others he has doing the same thing. The inharitance story sounds just like that a "story".
I wonder how many others he has doing the same thing. The inharitance story sounds just like that a "story".
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Join Date: Sep 2011
Location: massachusetts
Posts: 121
Originally Posted by eyeswideshut1 
One problem I have is that he has threatened suicide in the past when things are going badly between us, and I'm afraid he will do the same if I break it off. Anyone have suggestions for how to cope with suicide threats? Maybe no contact is the best thing at this point, even if it does mean giving up on the 12k up as a hard lesson...
Member
Join Date: Feb 2008
Location: Chicago area
Posts: 4,269
He's a con artist.
No is a complete sentance. No, because....opens the door to negotiation. Don't go there.
No reason to ever take a call, respond to a text or email from him, again.
If he has the keys to your place, change the locks.
No is a complete sentance. No, because....opens the door to negotiation. Don't go there.
No reason to ever take a call, respond to a text or email from him, again.
If he has the keys to your place, change the locks.
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Join Date: Feb 2008
Location: Chicago area
Posts: 4,269
Originally Posted by kiki5711
I wonder how many others he has doing the same thing. The inharitance story sounds just like that a "story".
Member
Join Date: Feb 2009
Posts: 774
hi eyeswideshut-
funny, last night i thought that was a good name for me! yeah, its a tough one to swallow when we feel used, but the positive spin is that you can step away, rather easily sine it is so long distance and remember that it can get worse the longer you stay. i dont mean that it is emotionally easy, but it is not like you can run to see him or something,. the distance helps me deal with my situation.
suicide threats- my gf pulled that a couple times and as much as i thought it was an attention thing, i called 911. we were in a city where there is a big bridge across a big river and she threatened that she had been feeling suicidal and jumped out of my car an ran. so i called 911 and gave a description. she went to the bridge and was sitting on the steps that lead to the deck. would you believe the cops went and questioned her, but she convinced them it wasnt her?!? no, it was the other girl with long black hair in a blue tshirt.
latter she said that she was thinking about it but couldnt do it, it was more just a reaction to not getting her way. plus she was mad i called the cops. my thought is that if she did do something i would have felt worse for not calling. i think its good to take it seriously just in case, but i wouldn't put too much merit in the words of it.
about you, you recognize that you are codependent and that he uses drugs. and if you don't know those addicts can be quite charming and convincing. as the distance can make it easier to part ways, it may also add to staying involved from a codie point of view. for me, i wonder that since i am a codie and i have something about emotional closeness, that it is easier to live in the fantasy of a romantic relationship when there is so much distance. we dont get to see the reality of things and can thrive on our romantic dreams and fantasies. it is easier to be in denial from a distance too, because we dont see the proof that would help us to see things differently.
i dont want to put salt on any wounds, but you visited over seas and he was moody and temperamental, thats a big red flag. it could be a he was unable to use while you were there and that was make him edgy. either way, i am glad you found this site and hope you benefit from it. those foreign guys just use their accents to pick up women anyway. just kidding about that.
funny, last night i thought that was a good name for me! yeah, its a tough one to swallow when we feel used, but the positive spin is that you can step away, rather easily sine it is so long distance and remember that it can get worse the longer you stay. i dont mean that it is emotionally easy, but it is not like you can run to see him or something,. the distance helps me deal with my situation.
suicide threats- my gf pulled that a couple times and as much as i thought it was an attention thing, i called 911. we were in a city where there is a big bridge across a big river and she threatened that she had been feeling suicidal and jumped out of my car an ran. so i called 911 and gave a description. she went to the bridge and was sitting on the steps that lead to the deck. would you believe the cops went and questioned her, but she convinced them it wasnt her?!? no, it was the other girl with long black hair in a blue tshirt.
latter she said that she was thinking about it but couldnt do it, it was more just a reaction to not getting her way. plus she was mad i called the cops. my thought is that if she did do something i would have felt worse for not calling. i think its good to take it seriously just in case, but i wouldn't put too much merit in the words of it.
about you, you recognize that you are codependent and that he uses drugs. and if you don't know those addicts can be quite charming and convincing. as the distance can make it easier to part ways, it may also add to staying involved from a codie point of view. for me, i wonder that since i am a codie and i have something about emotional closeness, that it is easier to live in the fantasy of a romantic relationship when there is so much distance. we dont get to see the reality of things and can thrive on our romantic dreams and fantasies. it is easier to be in denial from a distance too, because we dont see the proof that would help us to see things differently.
i dont want to put salt on any wounds, but you visited over seas and he was moody and temperamental, thats a big red flag. it could be a he was unable to use while you were there and that was make him edgy. either way, i am glad you found this site and hope you benefit from it. those foreign guys just use their accents to pick up women anyway. just kidding about that.
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Join Date: Mar 2009
Posts: 1,334
I had some of your behaviors until I decided to take care of me. My therapist said my integrity got me out. I can hear your frustration......It helps to remember the bad stuff.....I finally accepted he wasn't who I was romanticising he was. One very good girlfriend said he's just an addict ! and the other girlfriend said he's just a jerk !..I knew I was being used. I stopped. Now 4 yrs after divorce I am happy ! Remember the bad stuff ! Stay mad. If you are mad you won't be sad. and take him to court for your $$$$$$$$ file a civil judgement !
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